Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1
Hello
Hello everyone. I have been lurking here occasionally the past year to gain some knowledge about what to do. You all are very sweet and supportive and honest with each other, and thank you for being good people, for posting online so that folks like me could find some comfort.
Here is my story...
I am a sister of a substance abuser. My little sister and I never really got along growing up. I was the bookish, nerdy kid, she was the social, princess kid. Once high school hit, she was busted for using painkillers and did an outpatient program. I didn't know exactly when that happened, as I was away at Uni and found out through the gossip chain via old HS classmates. Needless to say, I was devastated and felt betrayed.
3 years pass, wounds heal...
When she turned 21, she went out a lot of the time and was drinking, staying out late, etc. When she would leave and not come back she would say she worked late at a sports pub or was hanging out with her boyfriend. She had to get this job because she had been fired from a retail store not too long before. The reason she gave us for that was a girl accused her of stealing money, even though a coworker owing her money gave it to her out of the register. (Turns out she was stealing it for her and her addicted boyfriend). The night she got fired, she broke down on the front steps and confessed she had had an abortion.
I choked. All of the lying and problems we had went to the wayside. I had to help her, support her and make sure she told my parents eventually. So this abortion was where I thought her urgent need of cash came from. And over the next month or so, I made sure to talk to her, offered to take her to follow-up procedures, etc. Even tried to plan how she can tell my mom and dad.
One night last Fall I noticed the silver coins from my big change jar was missing and I called her about it. It wasn't the first time money had gone missing, after all. A few moments later, my mother realized that about 80% of her jewelry was gone. When my sister got home, she was confronted. Here I thought she was pawning the jewelry because of the abortion. So I was holding her hand and trying to gently coax the truth. "You can tell her now, you can tell her now."
Then my mom dropped the bomb, "Are you using drugs again." "Yes." "What are you using?" "Painkillers."
My heart just died. She told me she had an abortion to a) throw me off the trail and b)have me as a secret holder. I had been defending her. I had thought, finally, there was a way I could be a part of her life, and not just an annoying older sister. I had been used. We all had been.
I let go of her hand and backed away. More interrogating. Mostly blaming her boyfriend. "I don't want to be here anymore!" I tackle her to the ground when she starts to run. I tell her I am calling the police or she is going to rehab. At this point, I just wanted to call the cops. I didn't care, I was so angry.
After making some calls to rehab facilities, I drove her and my mom to the ER that night. She copped an attitude at the front desk, saying she didn't want to be here. I thank God that she had pulled the drama card and yelled because if she hadn't given us intentions of suicide, we couldn't have left her in the detox.
I didn't see her for 6 months. We found out after that day she had completely flunked her last semester of comm college, had maxed out a credit card and had gotten a second one, overdrafted bank accounts, had been living out of her car (yup, 4 lawn bags of dirty clothes, drugs, pawn receipts, food, vomit, you name it) and stolen much, much more than just my mother's jewelry. The boyfriend was also wanted in court for forging Rx's. The drug of choice was Oxycontin. She did the detox bootcamp, then was transfered to a halfway house. While in the program, my parents visited regularly, and since her credit is in the hole, my dad manages most of her finances.
After graduating from their program, she found a job, and then found an apartment with a coworker, her first time ever living on her own. She still smokes cigarettes, and still lies to my dad to his face that she doesn't (as the fumes come off her). She lost that job a month or so ago, and has since gotten a new one, with later hours.
I was stubborn and didn't speak a word to my sister for about 9 months. After that I tried to open up little, by little. Taking her to lunch, the rare phone call. She seems different, but the same. Still lies. Still withholds information. I still don't trust her, and still feel so betrayed.
It's the holidays now, we've moved a couple states away. She is coming for our first Christmas (or gathering in general) as a family for a year now. My baby sister and I are terrified she will be manipulating toward my parents again. We're both trying to be positive, we bought gifts for her. But when I express my fears to my mother, I'm shot down for not being supportive or trusting. How can I trust? Or how can I act around her to give my mother some semblance of a Christmas? Is giving her gifts enabling her?
Thanks for reading. Happy holidays.
Sisterheart
Here is my story...
I am a sister of a substance abuser. My little sister and I never really got along growing up. I was the bookish, nerdy kid, she was the social, princess kid. Once high school hit, she was busted for using painkillers and did an outpatient program. I didn't know exactly when that happened, as I was away at Uni and found out through the gossip chain via old HS classmates. Needless to say, I was devastated and felt betrayed.
3 years pass, wounds heal...
When she turned 21, she went out a lot of the time and was drinking, staying out late, etc. When she would leave and not come back she would say she worked late at a sports pub or was hanging out with her boyfriend. She had to get this job because she had been fired from a retail store not too long before. The reason she gave us for that was a girl accused her of stealing money, even though a coworker owing her money gave it to her out of the register. (Turns out she was stealing it for her and her addicted boyfriend). The night she got fired, she broke down on the front steps and confessed she had had an abortion.
I choked. All of the lying and problems we had went to the wayside. I had to help her, support her and make sure she told my parents eventually. So this abortion was where I thought her urgent need of cash came from. And over the next month or so, I made sure to talk to her, offered to take her to follow-up procedures, etc. Even tried to plan how she can tell my mom and dad.
One night last Fall I noticed the silver coins from my big change jar was missing and I called her about it. It wasn't the first time money had gone missing, after all. A few moments later, my mother realized that about 80% of her jewelry was gone. When my sister got home, she was confronted. Here I thought she was pawning the jewelry because of the abortion. So I was holding her hand and trying to gently coax the truth. "You can tell her now, you can tell her now."
Then my mom dropped the bomb, "Are you using drugs again." "Yes." "What are you using?" "Painkillers."
My heart just died. She told me she had an abortion to a) throw me off the trail and b)have me as a secret holder. I had been defending her. I had thought, finally, there was a way I could be a part of her life, and not just an annoying older sister. I had been used. We all had been.
I let go of her hand and backed away. More interrogating. Mostly blaming her boyfriend. "I don't want to be here anymore!" I tackle her to the ground when she starts to run. I tell her I am calling the police or she is going to rehab. At this point, I just wanted to call the cops. I didn't care, I was so angry.
After making some calls to rehab facilities, I drove her and my mom to the ER that night. She copped an attitude at the front desk, saying she didn't want to be here. I thank God that she had pulled the drama card and yelled because if she hadn't given us intentions of suicide, we couldn't have left her in the detox.
I didn't see her for 6 months. We found out after that day she had completely flunked her last semester of comm college, had maxed out a credit card and had gotten a second one, overdrafted bank accounts, had been living out of her car (yup, 4 lawn bags of dirty clothes, drugs, pawn receipts, food, vomit, you name it) and stolen much, much more than just my mother's jewelry. The boyfriend was also wanted in court for forging Rx's. The drug of choice was Oxycontin. She did the detox bootcamp, then was transfered to a halfway house. While in the program, my parents visited regularly, and since her credit is in the hole, my dad manages most of her finances.
After graduating from their program, she found a job, and then found an apartment with a coworker, her first time ever living on her own. She still smokes cigarettes, and still lies to my dad to his face that she doesn't (as the fumes come off her). She lost that job a month or so ago, and has since gotten a new one, with later hours.
I was stubborn and didn't speak a word to my sister for about 9 months. After that I tried to open up little, by little. Taking her to lunch, the rare phone call. She seems different, but the same. Still lies. Still withholds information. I still don't trust her, and still feel so betrayed.
It's the holidays now, we've moved a couple states away. She is coming for our first Christmas (or gathering in general) as a family for a year now. My baby sister and I are terrified she will be manipulating toward my parents again. We're both trying to be positive, we bought gifts for her. But when I express my fears to my mother, I'm shot down for not being supportive or trusting. How can I trust? Or how can I act around her to give my mother some semblance of a Christmas? Is giving her gifts enabling her?
Thanks for reading. Happy holidays.
Sisterheart
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Sisterheart,
I am sorry for your pain and confusion in all of this. I have a brother who is an addict/alcoholic so I can relate. I think your Mom might be in denial somewhat. You seem to have a clear sense of the truth of what goes on with your Sister. I sent some gifts to my brother last week in his halfway house. I don't see it as enabling. Although there is a fine line between *helping* and *enabling* in my book. I hope all goes well with your family gathering, stay strong, listen to your gut instinct and make the best of it girl....
I am sorry for your pain and confusion in all of this. I have a brother who is an addict/alcoholic so I can relate. I think your Mom might be in denial somewhat. You seem to have a clear sense of the truth of what goes on with your Sister. I sent some gifts to my brother last week in his halfway house. I don't see it as enabling. Although there is a fine line between *helping* and *enabling* in my book. I hope all goes well with your family gathering, stay strong, listen to your gut instinct and make the best of it girl....
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome, I'm so sorry for the reasons that find you here but glad that you have posted. Reading here and maybe trying some Alanon or Naranon meetings will help as you deal with the impact addiction has made on you and your family.
I found when dealing with addiction's impact on my life, that I couldn't control other family members and what they would do any more than I could control my loved one who was addicted. I had to focus on my actions and reactions and often bite my tongue to avoid those circular discussions about what everyone "should" be doing.
Trust has to be earned and actions speak, not words, so I can certainly understand why you can not trust her (I wouldn't either) But sounds like your folks aren't ready to handle that at this time. I think just maintaining awareness, protecting yourself (don't leave your purse around, don't loan money - sadly, I know you know the drill) and trying to focus on things other than addiction may help you through the visit.
Folks here often talk about having an exit plan. If you find that she is manipulating and doing things that are upsetting to you, maybe you can go for a walk; visit a friend or find some way to get out of the house for a bit and avoid the drama.
I hope your fears are unfounded and you have a pleasant visit with your sister. Happy holidays.
I found when dealing with addiction's impact on my life, that I couldn't control other family members and what they would do any more than I could control my loved one who was addicted. I had to focus on my actions and reactions and often bite my tongue to avoid those circular discussions about what everyone "should" be doing.
Trust has to be earned and actions speak, not words, so I can certainly understand why you can not trust her (I wouldn't either) But sounds like your folks aren't ready to handle that at this time. I think just maintaining awareness, protecting yourself (don't leave your purse around, don't loan money - sadly, I know you know the drill) and trying to focus on things other than addiction may help you through the visit.
Folks here often talk about having an exit plan. If you find that she is manipulating and doing things that are upsetting to you, maybe you can go for a walk; visit a friend or find some way to get out of the house for a bit and avoid the drama.
I hope your fears are unfounded and you have a pleasant visit with your sister. Happy holidays.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sisterheart))) - welcome to SR!! I, too, lurked for over a year, but am SO glad I finally signed on. The support, the knowing you're not alone, and the genuine compassion for people here is amazing.
I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codependent (had/have loved ones who are A's - addicts/alcoholics). From the RA point of view, I can assure you that I understand your lack of trust. We don't automatically get it back by what we say. For me, it took time and a lot of actions for people to regain their trust in me.
Sometimes part of the family "gets it" and others don't. It's hard when you can't all be on one side. I would do a ((Greet)) said - hide your purse and anything she could possibly sneak out..jewelry, for example. It doesn't mean you're a bad person...it means that you're smart, and you're not giving her the benefit of the doubt until she earns it. I also agree that if things do get bad, have an escape plan or, since it's your house, ask her to leave.
Having an A in the family is hard. I've been on both sides, and to be honest, it's been harder on me being the FAMILY MEMBER, than the A. I was high when I was using...totally oblivious to what others felt. Seeing it from the other side, knowing that there's life after drugs, but unable to make that person see that...it's tough.
SR has been my lifeline, but I know a lot of people go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings (for friends/family of alcoholics/addicts) and it's good to have f2f support.
The only other thing I will add is trust your gut. No matter what anyone says or does, my gut has never failed me. The times I haven't listened to it? I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, if I had.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codependent (had/have loved ones who are A's - addicts/alcoholics). From the RA point of view, I can assure you that I understand your lack of trust. We don't automatically get it back by what we say. For me, it took time and a lot of actions for people to regain their trust in me.
Sometimes part of the family "gets it" and others don't. It's hard when you can't all be on one side. I would do a ((Greet)) said - hide your purse and anything she could possibly sneak out..jewelry, for example. It doesn't mean you're a bad person...it means that you're smart, and you're not giving her the benefit of the doubt until she earns it. I also agree that if things do get bad, have an escape plan or, since it's your house, ask her to leave.
Having an A in the family is hard. I've been on both sides, and to be honest, it's been harder on me being the FAMILY MEMBER, than the A. I was high when I was using...totally oblivious to what others felt. Seeing it from the other side, knowing that there's life after drugs, but unable to make that person see that...it's tough.
SR has been my lifeline, but I know a lot of people go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings (for friends/family of alcoholics/addicts) and it's good to have f2f support.
The only other thing I will add is trust your gut. No matter what anyone says or does, my gut has never failed me. The times I haven't listened to it? I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, if I had.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I'm just sorry that you have a reason to be here.
I think the others have provided some excellent suggestions for you. I would add that if you can find a Naranon or Alanon meeting near you, you may find that the face to face support is very helpful as well. There are also some excellent books to help you recognize the addictive behavior and the codependent behavior. Knowledge is power. Perhaps this season of giving would be a great time to give your parents the gift of some of the wonderful books by Melody Beattie.
Thus far, I think you've instinctively done some very good things FOR YOURSELF by limiting your contact with your sister. Unfortunately, negative consequences are often what eventually gets them to seek sobriety.
gentle hugs
I think the others have provided some excellent suggestions for you. I would add that if you can find a Naranon or Alanon meeting near you, you may find that the face to face support is very helpful as well. There are also some excellent books to help you recognize the addictive behavior and the codependent behavior. Knowledge is power. Perhaps this season of giving would be a great time to give your parents the gift of some of the wonderful books by Melody Beattie.
Thus far, I think you've instinctively done some very good things FOR YOURSELF by limiting your contact with your sister. Unfortunately, negative consequences are often what eventually gets them to seek sobriety.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: old bridge, new jersey
Posts: 4
sisterheart,
I'm also a new member here, though I've been pillaging these forums for information frequently over the course of the past six months. I, like your sister, am addicted to oxycontin/oxycodone. I can relate to her story in ways that you couldn't imagine. Over the course of a year I completely destroyed the person that I had spent my entire life building up with this drug. I pawned every possession of any worth. I stole and sold all of my mother's jewelry. I took cash from her and my younger brother. I lost a job waiting tables that I had held for two years before my addiction, broke up with my girlfriend of three years, and flunked a semester of college.
The capacity of addiction to lead good people to shockingly villainous behavior is incredible. I have always loved my family, but in the unforgiving shadow of this drug I was able to justify my deplorable behavior. No act of betrayal or deceit was too great: I acted with no regard for anything but the pills.
Today I am trying to make things right and straighten out my act. I hate the person that I became on these pills. I feel sick when I think about what I put my mother through. What the hell was I thinking? Who was I? Surely I am not that person. I know that I cannot change what has been done, but I cling everyday to the hope of redemption. I am approaching 60 days of complete sobriety. I did not go to any inpatient rehab, but do attend outpatient meetings.
I hope that you can understand. Your sister is not a bad person. It is this scourge that has led her and your family to so much pain. Try as best you can to be strong for her. Trust takes time to develop - I am witnessing that first hand - but redemption is a really beautiful thing. Be wary and be smart, but try not to be harsh. Her ultimate recovery is in her own hands.
Sorry if I ramble... this is my first post and I'm new to all of this. Best of luck to you your sister and your family.
I'm also a new member here, though I've been pillaging these forums for information frequently over the course of the past six months. I, like your sister, am addicted to oxycontin/oxycodone. I can relate to her story in ways that you couldn't imagine. Over the course of a year I completely destroyed the person that I had spent my entire life building up with this drug. I pawned every possession of any worth. I stole and sold all of my mother's jewelry. I took cash from her and my younger brother. I lost a job waiting tables that I had held for two years before my addiction, broke up with my girlfriend of three years, and flunked a semester of college.
The capacity of addiction to lead good people to shockingly villainous behavior is incredible. I have always loved my family, but in the unforgiving shadow of this drug I was able to justify my deplorable behavior. No act of betrayal or deceit was too great: I acted with no regard for anything but the pills.
Today I am trying to make things right and straighten out my act. I hate the person that I became on these pills. I feel sick when I think about what I put my mother through. What the hell was I thinking? Who was I? Surely I am not that person. I know that I cannot change what has been done, but I cling everyday to the hope of redemption. I am approaching 60 days of complete sobriety. I did not go to any inpatient rehab, but do attend outpatient meetings.
I hope that you can understand. Your sister is not a bad person. It is this scourge that has led her and your family to so much pain. Try as best you can to be strong for her. Trust takes time to develop - I am witnessing that first hand - but redemption is a really beautiful thing. Be wary and be smart, but try not to be harsh. Her ultimate recovery is in her own hands.
Sorry if I ramble... this is my first post and I'm new to all of this. Best of luck to you your sister and your family.
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