Primal Scream
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Primal Scream
Did anyone experience glass breakage this morning? If so, I'll apologize now. It was me. But I do feel a little better for it. lol
I made a grave mistake and those of you who want to say "I told you so" may now step away from the keyboard.
My son has relapsed.....and he's in my house.
He shared with me that he got into a fist fight with a drug dealer on Sunday and the guy pulled a knife on him. His claim is that he had clothing over there he needed to pick up and the guy (because he is a dealer) doesn't like to lose customers and doesn't like the fact that he is trying to get sober. OK....whatever. (I know.....that sounds like a duck talking to me too.) He thinks he has broken a bone in his hand but has not insurance to do anything about it. oh well. As far as I'm concerned, he gets to function with a poorly healed fracture now. I honestly don't care......perhaps a painful reminder would be helpful to him.
I am functioning on reserve right now and utilizing my tools of recovery but I'm holding on to them with white knuckles. The primal scream this morning(during a prayer no less) felt like I was purging myself of all of the negativity he is spewing and I am feeling. It was just what the HP ordered I think because I really did feel much better for it.
I know he is struggling to stay sober. I am struggling to maintain my detachment and compassion. I actually do quite well while I am f2f with him. I listen. I don't interrupt. I don't tell him what to do. I just tuck him into a little place in my brain that says......."oh well I have no control".
I talked with my therapist yesterday. Her opinion is that I am walking on a razors edge and doing it remarkably well. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
I know that he's fighting for his sobriety and he has the devil on one shoulder and his HP on the other. But it's up to my son to determine which team he's playing on.
I was going to title this thread "Don't try this at home". I would never recommend to anyone that they take the addict into their home after rehab. It is not for the faint of heart.
gentle hugs
I made a grave mistake and those of you who want to say "I told you so" may now step away from the keyboard.
My son has relapsed.....and he's in my house.
He shared with me that he got into a fist fight with a drug dealer on Sunday and the guy pulled a knife on him. His claim is that he had clothing over there he needed to pick up and the guy (because he is a dealer) doesn't like to lose customers and doesn't like the fact that he is trying to get sober. OK....whatever. (I know.....that sounds like a duck talking to me too.) He thinks he has broken a bone in his hand but has not insurance to do anything about it. oh well. As far as I'm concerned, he gets to function with a poorly healed fracture now. I honestly don't care......perhaps a painful reminder would be helpful to him.
I am functioning on reserve right now and utilizing my tools of recovery but I'm holding on to them with white knuckles. The primal scream this morning(during a prayer no less) felt like I was purging myself of all of the negativity he is spewing and I am feeling. It was just what the HP ordered I think because I really did feel much better for it.
I know he is struggling to stay sober. I am struggling to maintain my detachment and compassion. I actually do quite well while I am f2f with him. I listen. I don't interrupt. I don't tell him what to do. I just tuck him into a little place in my brain that says......."oh well I have no control".
I talked with my therapist yesterday. Her opinion is that I am walking on a razors edge and doing it remarkably well. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
I know that he's fighting for his sobriety and he has the devil on one shoulder and his HP on the other. But it's up to my son to determine which team he's playing on.
I was going to title this thread "Don't try this at home". I would never recommend to anyone that they take the addict into their home after rehab. It is not for the faint of heart.
gentle hugs
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Kindeyes,
Sounds like you are holding up remarkably well. It is hard enough for me to deal with an exab & brother/alco/addict.....but to imagine my son being an addict....I could not imagine. I feel for you. Keep working your program and anytime you need to scream...well SCREAM girl!! Hugs to you....
Sounds like you are holding up remarkably well. It is hard enough for me to deal with an exab & brother/alco/addict.....but to imagine my son being an addict....I could not imagine. I feel for you. Keep working your program and anytime you need to scream...well SCREAM girl!! Hugs to you....
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Originally Posted by keepinon 
Indeed not..and I consider myself very faint of heart at this point! I am sorry this has happened..what is the plan now?
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Is that what woke me up all sweating from all this way? You a-screamin'? Got to learn to sleep with my head under the pillow.
LOL
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) sweetie. You will be in my thoughts.
LOL
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) sweetie. You will be in my thoughts.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
it is so unfair for a mother to have to be in the position of drug counselor, warden, probation officer, etc... it requires a mother's heart to have to work overtime - bless you, kindeyes, as you are having to deal with this - prayers are with you and your son
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Kindeyes)))
Just remember, dearest, that it is his fight. You know what you have to do.
You are, as always, both in my prayers.
I would imagine that recovery hardly ever goes smoothly. Hang in there sweet.
hugs,
chicory
Just remember, dearest, that it is his fight. You know what you have to do.
You are, as always, both in my prayers.
I would imagine that recovery hardly ever goes smoothly. Hang in there sweet.
hugs,
chicory
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Awe geez. I know the feeling all too well. And I won't say I told you so, because even if I did, its not my place to expect you to act on my experience.
I know now its not a good idea, and I only "know" that because it didn't work...for me. But there was no way I would have been comfortable with at least not giving him a chance.
The bad news is I've been around the block more than I care to admit. The good news is that while it may have taken a while, and almost killed me, my experiences brought me to where I am today ( I think thats good, right?
)
One foot in front of the other until the path becomes clear
I know now its not a good idea, and I only "know" that because it didn't work...for me. But there was no way I would have been comfortable with at least not giving him a chance.
The bad news is I've been around the block more than I care to admit. The good news is that while it may have taken a while, and almost killed me, my experiences brought me to where I am today ( I think thats good, right?
)One foot in front of the other until the path becomes clear
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I could not say I told you so to another mother with an addicted child.
I was gripping my hands together (white knuckled) until I finished reading your post.
Yes, you are hanging in there remarkably well.
More will be revealed.
Okay, i had to giggle about the dealer not wanting to lose a customer, customers are a dime a dozen. My daughters boyfriend's cell phone (selling xanax and weed) would ring night and day, 24/7, 365 days a year.
Beth (mother of two addicted ones, one in recovery, the other a big HP problem)
sorry for the hijack kindeyes>>>>
Now, Live, you know you woke up dreaming about floaties and pig pickin'!
I was gripping my hands together (white knuckled) until I finished reading your post.
Yes, you are hanging in there remarkably well.
More will be revealed.
Okay, i had to giggle about the dealer not wanting to lose a customer, customers are a dime a dozen. My daughters boyfriend's cell phone (selling xanax and weed) would ring night and day, 24/7, 365 days a year.
Beth (mother of two addicted ones, one in recovery, the other a big HP problem)
sorry for the hijack kindeyes>>>>
Now, Live, you know you woke up dreaming about floaties and pig pickin'!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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I was so hoping the outcome would be different...Sounds like your son has more to learn. I'm so sorry KindEyes. You sound like you are handling things very well and keeping the focus where it needs to be. Hope you can stay in serenity as things unfold. Extra-Gentle hugs because I know how fragile this can make us feel. 
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kindeyes))) - Good for you, for letting out a big scream!! It takes what it takes
I'm sorry he's not yet learned his lesson, and yeah...never had a dealer go after me unless I was trying to front more dope AND already owed them money, and then it was just yelling and threats, but then I'm a female, and I only did that once.
I think you are doing remarkably well, though it may not feel that way. I'm pretty interested in what HP's plans are about this, and will be keeping an eye on this thread I've always said I need a neon sign, lightening bolt, or something to HEAR what He has to say, but as time goes on, it's becoming clearer without so much fanfare....hope the same happens with you.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
p.s., here I am...the RA, and I just want to
these people who are causing my SR friends pain, yet I was ONE of those people, 4 years ago...wow.
I'm sorry he's not yet learned his lesson, and yeah...never had a dealer go after me unless I was trying to front more dope AND already owed them money, and then it was just yelling and threats, but then I'm a female, and I only did that once.
I think you are doing remarkably well, though it may not feel that way. I'm pretty interested in what HP's plans are about this, and will be keeping an eye on this thread
I've always said I need a neon sign, lightening bolt, or something to HEAR what He has to say, but as time goes on, it's becoming clearer without so much fanfare....hope the same happens with you.Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
p.s., here I am...the RA, and I just want to
these people who are causing my SR friends pain, yet I was ONE of those people, 4 years ago...wow.
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Thank you all for your kind words and support. You just don't know how much that bolsters me up. I know that I am walking a path that is full of potholes and potential negative consequences for me. I am walking this path mindfully. I certainly understand why it is not advisable to have your loved one move in with you after rehab. It is not the best for them or for the codependent. But I made my decision (wrong as it may have been) and I am going to deal with it in the best way I am able.
At this point I am trying to keep my reactions under control and that's not easy! I'm trying to walk that fine fine line between compassion and enabling. It's no wonder that "boundaries" are the most difficult part of OUR recovery.
I find it very interesting that my AS has no difficulty expressing his boundaries and often it is done in the "King Baby" method of boundary establishment. MY recovery tools have made it very easy to see when these tactics are employed and NOT react in a predictable manner. But BOY can I ever "feel" when those reactionary instincts kick in. Which is good because I can control what I can IDENTIFY in myself.
I will continue to share and explore this process, regardless of the outcome, as it is certainly a test of MY recovery. My goal is to find and keep MY serenity whether my son is using or not. I will share my screwups as well as my successes in hopes that my experience may help someone else.
gentle hugs
At this point I am trying to keep my reactions under control and that's not easy! I'm trying to walk that fine fine line between compassion and enabling. It's no wonder that "boundaries" are the most difficult part of OUR recovery.
I find it very interesting that my AS has no difficulty expressing his boundaries and often it is done in the "King Baby" method of boundary establishment. MY recovery tools have made it very easy to see when these tactics are employed and NOT react in a predictable manner. But BOY can I ever "feel" when those reactionary instincts kick in. Which is good because I can control what I can IDENTIFY in myself.
I will continue to share and explore this process, regardless of the outcome, as it is certainly a test of MY recovery. My goal is to find and keep MY serenity whether my son is using or not. I will share my screwups as well as my successes in hopes that my experience may help someone else.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
From my own experience in temporarily taking in my AD against my better judgment, I reserved the right to change my mind, which I did when I came home to a house reeking of pot. The stay at my house was over.
Is early recovery a struggle? Yes it is, but it is possible to stay clean/sober, regardless of the struggles.
I was 28 years old, the single mother of an 8 year old daughter when I walked out of the doors of rehab, and starting over in a brand new location far away from the abusive EXAH and any family.
There was no time to kick back and relax. I was on foot as I didn't have my car at the time, and put in job applications all over town for a week until I landed a full-time job as a CNA at the nursing home. I walked to and from work every day for a month.
I had to be responsible, and I will be eternally grateful for that time in my life. That's where I began to experience the dignity of being a productive member of society, no matter how hard it was sometimes, or how tired I was (which was a lot early in recovery).
Is early recovery a struggle? Yes it is, but it is possible to stay clean/sober, regardless of the struggles.
I was 28 years old, the single mother of an 8 year old daughter when I walked out of the doors of rehab, and starting over in a brand new location far away from the abusive EXAH and any family.
There was no time to kick back and relax. I was on foot as I didn't have my car at the time, and put in job applications all over town for a week until I landed a full-time job as a CNA at the nursing home. I walked to and from work every day for a month.
I had to be responsible, and I will be eternally grateful for that time in my life. That's where I began to experience the dignity of being a productive member of society, no matter how hard it was sometimes, or how tired I was (which was a lot early in recovery).
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I love how you put into words the struggles we face as co-dependent, potential enablers, etc, etc. Thanks for sharing so much as I have learned so much from you. Still not able to put much of it into use just yet, but I'm trying to get there.
The disappointment must be so intense...yet you are standing strong! Good for you! Don't stop!!!
The disappointment must be so intense...yet you are standing strong! Good for you! Don't stop!!!
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