Why can't I move on?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
Why can't I move on?
Why am I holding on ?? It's like he's giving me an out and I just can't let go. It's so hard. Something happened to him this year and he's not the same. I think in my heart he just needs help and once he gets it he will be the man I know and the father I know he always wanted to be. Why do I think their is hope. Ever since this girl showed up in our lives its been hell. I know it was his decision *to chose to use but we were happy and preparing to start a life together. She introduced him to a drug he had never tried before and that took control of him. *He ended up leaving while I was 3 months pregnant**And worse I feel he has chosen her over his baby girl. Someone who sits there with him watching and participating with him killing himself. Someone who doesn't care and has no respect for herself. *I think to myself how can I compete? She accepts his habit and doesn't ask anything of him. I never been ok with him using. I could barely stand that he smokes cigarettes I've told him he needs help. Needs to go to rehab, therapy,get a job and a place. But I won't help him he needs to do on his own. That he has to show me *that he deserves my trust. But she offers him a place to stay, a job prospective, drugs, and money, no strings attached. It makes me so angry!!!It's hard because I feel he won't get help because he won't hit bottom with this girl around. She supports him*and enables his habit.
***
He didn't even admit to me he was involved with her until he was in jail. Until I saw her the same day I went to visit him. And after he told me he started using with her and lost himself. He wanted to get help and be a family with me. I should be thanking him for letting me go. Instead I'm crying over losing the family I thought we were going to be.
He was the sweetest most respectable man I've ever been with. I never had any reason not to trust him. But then he started sneaking behind my back having her and other friends using at our place all day while I was at work. He started dissappearing at night and sometimes not coming home. Quit his job and used all his money to support his habit. And after he left he claimed he was staying at his friends. Come to find out he was staying with her at her moms. I thought he was going to change after jail. He told me and his sister he was going to rehab after jail. Then we found out he was staying with her ever since he was released. He was hiding from his family and me. Even missed the birth of his 1st child.*
To make it worse this girl has contacted me saying he doesn't do drugs and neither does she. He already admitted to his family and me they do. She accuses me of making it up. I have told him even if he gets help he should stop contact with this girl else he wont have a chance at sobriety. She uses and how can he lead a healthy life with her around. He agrees most of the time but sometimes he tries to tell me she doesn't use. I know it's his choice *but just dont understand. On top of that she has made excuses for him not being a father from me calling the cops on him (which I didn't) "to him living in fear of being forced to abandon the life he wants go build with her". He has told me he isn't healthy and needs help and wants to meet his daughter sober. I dont understand the mind games. I am starting to accept that him and I aren't meant to be and I deserve better. But I do still have a hope he will be the father he promised to be.*
I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks and havent tried to contact him. I'm so hurt for what he has done to me. I still think about him, even have terrible nightmares about him. But I'm even more hurt how he has handled the whole situation with our daughter. I need encoragement and advice. As a new single mother I feel so alone.**
***
He didn't even admit to me he was involved with her until he was in jail. Until I saw her the same day I went to visit him. And after he told me he started using with her and lost himself. He wanted to get help and be a family with me. I should be thanking him for letting me go. Instead I'm crying over losing the family I thought we were going to be.
He was the sweetest most respectable man I've ever been with. I never had any reason not to trust him. But then he started sneaking behind my back having her and other friends using at our place all day while I was at work. He started dissappearing at night and sometimes not coming home. Quit his job and used all his money to support his habit. And after he left he claimed he was staying at his friends. Come to find out he was staying with her at her moms. I thought he was going to change after jail. He told me and his sister he was going to rehab after jail. Then we found out he was staying with her ever since he was released. He was hiding from his family and me. Even missed the birth of his 1st child.*
To make it worse this girl has contacted me saying he doesn't do drugs and neither does she. He already admitted to his family and me they do. She accuses me of making it up. I have told him even if he gets help he should stop contact with this girl else he wont have a chance at sobriety. She uses and how can he lead a healthy life with her around. He agrees most of the time but sometimes he tries to tell me she doesn't use. I know it's his choice *but just dont understand. On top of that she has made excuses for him not being a father from me calling the cops on him (which I didn't) "to him living in fear of being forced to abandon the life he wants go build with her". He has told me he isn't healthy and needs help and wants to meet his daughter sober. I dont understand the mind games. I am starting to accept that him and I aren't meant to be and I deserve better. But I do still have a hope he will be the father he promised to be.*
I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks and havent tried to contact him. I'm so hurt for what he has done to me. I still think about him, even have terrible nightmares about him. But I'm even more hurt how he has handled the whole situation with our daughter. I need encoragement and advice. As a new single mother I feel so alone.**
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hi-
i think that there isa part of you that you consider lucky. but first, i understand hte dream of having a family and you just giving birth to your first child and how much it must have hurt doing that alone. i get that. but, having an active addict and his chaos and drama in your life and your baby's life right now is no good. he is clearly a long way off if he hasn't tried to change his life for his child. i hope you can find support from another single mom who has gone through this.
i do know how you feel about everythnig else. my friend now has some guy paying her rent for a month. it hurts knowing she is living a life i only know a small part of. i don't know the truth. i only get bits and pieces and try to compile the whole picture from that. like your bf, her entire life spiraled down into the world of hard drugs. even with her taking steps to fix things, i see too much that makes those steps seem like lip service.
i can tell you that before i let myself get sucked back in, the less contact i was having, the better i was starting to feel. i am too weak right now to make the cut that your bf is making for you. he may get help and be that guy again, but right now you know he is not. we both know that we deserve better in our lives, and your baby does too, but it is very hard to step away from the one we thought was our love. it is very hard. but with every decision you make, keep your baby in mind as to what is best for her.
i think that there isa part of you that you consider lucky. but first, i understand hte dream of having a family and you just giving birth to your first child and how much it must have hurt doing that alone. i get that. but, having an active addict and his chaos and drama in your life and your baby's life right now is no good. he is clearly a long way off if he hasn't tried to change his life for his child. i hope you can find support from another single mom who has gone through this.
i do know how you feel about everythnig else. my friend now has some guy paying her rent for a month. it hurts knowing she is living a life i only know a small part of. i don't know the truth. i only get bits and pieces and try to compile the whole picture from that. like your bf, her entire life spiraled down into the world of hard drugs. even with her taking steps to fix things, i see too much that makes those steps seem like lip service.
i can tell you that before i let myself get sucked back in, the less contact i was having, the better i was starting to feel. i am too weak right now to make the cut that your bf is making for you. he may get help and be that guy again, but right now you know he is not. we both know that we deserve better in our lives, and your baby does too, but it is very hard to step away from the one we thought was our love. it is very hard. but with every decision you make, keep your baby in mind as to what is best for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Alone is better than living in hell with another person!!!! You are not alone any way!! You have your little precious daughter to share your life with!! You have support here with others who know your pain! He has chosen another life. You have to now choose another path! You already know that road you have been on is dark and broken so find another one! You WILL find happiness again!! I have been there thinking that I will NEVER find another love.....guess what.....there has always been someone else down the road. Right now I am really alone!!! LOl...no children in the house any more, pets are all gone, and no b/f....just me!!! Im doing much better though as I have truly embraced the alone-ness for the first time in my life!! I will emerge stronger and find better relationships as a result!! I hope you will find the courage to go it alone, for your sake and your daughters!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I had to let go of my anger and resentment of my ex in order to be an effective parent to my child. I also had to take resonsibility in the debacle that was our relationship. I did, afterall, get pregnant with a drug addicts baby! What was I thinking! That he was going to change??? Doh.
Then I had to forgive myself, let go and move on.
It is what it is. I can spend all my time looking back, being angry and feeling helpless OR I could look forward and make a life for me and my child.
Your (ex)bf's choices don't have anything to do with you or your child. They aren't about that other girl. They are only about him. He's a drug addict. That means he's selfish and can only think about his addiction. You can be angry, sad, mad, frustrated until you turn blue in the face. But in the end, the person who is responsible for your happiness (and your daughters) is... you.
Then I had to forgive myself, let go and move on.
It is what it is. I can spend all my time looking back, being angry and feeling helpless OR I could look forward and make a life for me and my child.
Your (ex)bf's choices don't have anything to do with you or your child. They aren't about that other girl. They are only about him. He's a drug addict. That means he's selfish and can only think about his addiction. You can be angry, sad, mad, frustrated until you turn blue in the face. But in the end, the person who is responsible for your happiness (and your daughters) is... you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
Steve1840,
Yes I do see how I am lucky. He no longer is telling me lies like he's lost an scared or how much he loves me. Apart * * me misses him trying to convince me he's ok and that he loves me. Sick as it is I feel so rejected. Since he no longer is trying to convince me I know*he doesn't care. I still cry and worry about him. But it no longer consumes me. Which is a good thing.
Thank you for the words of encouragment. I'm truely sorry you can relate and for the situation you are going through. I would never wish this life on anybody.
Time4me1,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragment. I don't know how I got to this point. I feel so broken. I have been through my share of heartache but never have been this hopeless. I don't know how I'm going to trust again. I used to be so independent and always happy. I just want myself
back. * * *
Good for you that you have embraced being alone. I find strength in my little girl. brings me so much joy. I just don't think I'll ever be the same again.
Hello-kitty,
I have so much anger towards him. Angry that he begged and cried for me to have our daughter knowing he had lost control of his drug use when I had no clue, angry he*promised me we were going to be a family and he was going to change knowing he wasn't and angry he hasn't even attempted to see his daughter. How did you forgive yourself, let go and move on? I know all the negative feelings won't change who he is no matter what. I just don't know how to get over it.*
Yes I do see how I am lucky. He no longer is telling me lies like he's lost an scared or how much he loves me. Apart * * me misses him trying to convince me he's ok and that he loves me. Sick as it is I feel so rejected. Since he no longer is trying to convince me I know*he doesn't care. I still cry and worry about him. But it no longer consumes me. Which is a good thing.
Thank you for the words of encouragment. I'm truely sorry you can relate and for the situation you are going through. I would never wish this life on anybody.
Time4me1,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragment. I don't know how I got to this point. I feel so broken. I have been through my share of heartache but never have been this hopeless. I don't know how I'm going to trust again. I used to be so independent and always happy. I just want myself
back. * * *
Good for you that you have embraced being alone. I find strength in my little girl. brings me so much joy. I just don't think I'll ever be the same again.
Hello-kitty,
I have so much anger towards him. Angry that he begged and cried for me to have our daughter knowing he had lost control of his drug use when I had no clue, angry he*promised me we were going to be a family and he was going to change knowing he wasn't and angry he hasn't even attempted to see his daughter. How did you forgive yourself, let go and move on? I know all the negative feelings won't change who he is no matter what. I just don't know how to get over it.*
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Forever, sometimes it's a daily battle not to hate my ex's guts. but if I did that it would seriously paralyze my ability to move forward and make a great life for me and my son. I try to remember that I learned an incredible (albeit painful) lesson from my relationship with him. I try to be greatful for that. Otherwise I'd still be dating losers like him! Or worse, I'd still be with him living that nightmare.
When I feel really bitter or stressed I make a grateful list and I mentally go through everything I have in my life to be thankful for. There are so many things. It's hard to stay angry when I have so much to be thankful for (my son included).
I also take it one day at a time. I remind myself that the difference between a good day and a bad day is usually no more than 24 hours so I just set about the business of living and move on.
I get busy cleaning too. It always helps to keep active and get stuff done around the house. Hard to be mad when my house is spotless and all my laundry is done.
Or I sit down and have some one on one time with my son doing things he likes - like playing cards or checkers. That always takes my mind off being a hater. There's just no way to stay angry when I'm playing matchbox cars with my little boy. He makes me laugh and reminds me that what my ex does or doesn't do cannot take my happiness away.
When I feel really bitter or stressed I make a grateful list and I mentally go through everything I have in my life to be thankful for. There are so many things. It's hard to stay angry when I have so much to be thankful for (my son included).
I also take it one day at a time. I remind myself that the difference between a good day and a bad day is usually no more than 24 hours so I just set about the business of living and move on.
I get busy cleaning too. It always helps to keep active and get stuff done around the house. Hard to be mad when my house is spotless and all my laundry is done.
Or I sit down and have some one on one time with my son doing things he likes - like playing cards or checkers. That always takes my mind off being a hater. There's just no way to stay angry when I'm playing matchbox cars with my little boy. He makes me laugh and reminds me that what my ex does or doesn't do cannot take my happiness away.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Forever,
I feel for you darling and I know your pain. One thing that stood out in your post for me was you saying "what he needs". I remember with my sister, I would continuously say "she needs to do this, she needs that" "she should stop etc"
Unfortunately, your partner is off in
land with drugs. More than likely he is with this girl because she supplies him drugs and stuff he needs. My sister would only be with men who drank and did everything for her. Its sick I know but its called alcohol survival.
Your sadness and pain is real and you are grieving the loss of what you wanted. Honestly, it is so hard to let go of people you love but ask yourself this, can you really spend the rest of your life wondering if hes using and what he is doing, simply because you had a child together. Your child is probably better off with you and your love for now. Letting go of what could have been, is better than hanging on by a thread (not knowing) if what will be., if you get my meaning.
Love JJ
I feel for you darling and I know your pain. One thing that stood out in your post for me was you saying "what he needs". I remember with my sister, I would continuously say "she needs to do this, she needs that" "she should stop etc"
Unfortunately, your partner is off in
land with drugs. More than likely he is with this girl because she supplies him drugs and stuff he needs. My sister would only be with men who drank and did everything for her. Its sick I know but its called alcohol survival.Your sadness and pain is real and you are grieving the loss of what you wanted. Honestly, it is so hard to let go of people you love but ask yourself this, can you really spend the rest of your life wondering if hes using and what he is doing, simply because you had a child together. Your child is probably better off with you and your love for now. Letting go of what could have been, is better than hanging on by a thread (not knowing) if what will be., if you get my meaning.
Love JJ
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hi, forever,
First I want to say I feel for you, I use to wish my AH had another female so I could let go sad but true. I sense alot of your anger is directed at her as well. Even if she left the picture I would be willing to bet he would find someone else that would enable him.
Whatever kind of relationship the two of them have is toxic, you and your baby deserve so much more.
First I want to say I feel for you, I use to wish my AH had another female so I could let go sad but true. I sense alot of your anger is directed at her as well. Even if she left the picture I would be willing to bet he would find someone else that would enable him.
Whatever kind of relationship the two of them have is toxic, you and your baby deserve so much more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
Hello-Kitty,*
Thanks for the advice and sharing your experience. All the things you have said sounds like things I would have told myself or done before this all happened. It's like I lost myself during this whole ordeal. Even my own mother sat and cried saying "what happened to you? You used to be this strong young women. And you let this guy take that away." even during our relationship I always mantained sense of self. He even tried putting some of the blame of his using on the fact I never fully embraced our relationship because I never completely surrendered myself to our relationship. It's hard to move on without any answers to my questions and to feel the person who hurt*you*so much has no real remorse. But I'm going to try. The anger inside me is consuming me. It's time for me to be free.
JJ,*
I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to live like that. For my sake and especially for my daughters. I know our relationship will never be what I thought it will be even if he does get sober. He's not the same and I know that Im not the same either. It's sad because it's like mourning a loss. Our relationship was built on trust. Or so I thought. I never had a doubt in my mind about him. Which probably got me where I am now. Maybe I was too trusting with him. It's hard to accept he is everything I thought he wasn't*
Angie,*
I see where ur coming from. I thought that myself but for some reason I can't let go. I should be counting my lucky stars she came along. I did tell him I think if it wasn't her it maybe would have been someone else. It does hurt that he "chose" another female over me and his daughter. I also have hate towards her. Part of the reason I guess is I met her and she came to our place on several occassions. She was a friend of a friend. She hung around and even covered for him. That to me is so wrong in my eyes. She even drove him at times to meet me after he left and waited hiding so I didn't see her. I myself wouldn't even lie for my own sister in regards to cheating *never condone it never will.
And if she left I'm sure he would find someone else. He admitted he knew i would never forgive him and that he just can't be alone. Which I now see.
** * * **
Thanks for the advice and sharing your experience. All the things you have said sounds like things I would have told myself or done before this all happened. It's like I lost myself during this whole ordeal. Even my own mother sat and cried saying "what happened to you? You used to be this strong young women. And you let this guy take that away." even during our relationship I always mantained sense of self. He even tried putting some of the blame of his using on the fact I never fully embraced our relationship because I never completely surrendered myself to our relationship. It's hard to move on without any answers to my questions and to feel the person who hurt*you*so much has no real remorse. But I'm going to try. The anger inside me is consuming me. It's time for me to be free.
JJ,*
I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to live like that. For my sake and especially for my daughters. I know our relationship will never be what I thought it will be even if he does get sober. He's not the same and I know that Im not the same either. It's sad because it's like mourning a loss. Our relationship was built on trust. Or so I thought. I never had a doubt in my mind about him. Which probably got me where I am now. Maybe I was too trusting with him. It's hard to accept he is everything I thought he wasn't*
Angie,*
I see where ur coming from. I thought that myself but for some reason I can't let go. I should be counting my lucky stars she came along. I did tell him I think if it wasn't her it maybe would have been someone else. It does hurt that he "chose" another female over me and his daughter. I also have hate towards her. Part of the reason I guess is I met her and she came to our place on several occassions. She was a friend of a friend. She hung around and even covered for him. That to me is so wrong in my eyes. She even drove him at times to meet me after he left and waited hiding so I didn't see her. I myself wouldn't even lie for my own sister in regards to cheating *never condone it never will.
And if she left I'm sure he would find someone else. He admitted he knew i would never forgive him and that he just can't be alone. Which I now see.
** * * **
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