How do I know?

Old 12-10-2010, 05:03 AM
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Question How do I know?

Two months after he was released from jail and 3 weeks after our daughter was born my*AXBF*called me. He was released from jail at the end of Sept and told his sister and me he was going straight to rehab as part of his conditions of parole. Which of course was a lie. He admitted to me he was *staying with his druggie GF and using after he got out of jail. This was the first time he contacted me since his release. He told me he was staying at a rehab and checked in voluntarily. He wanted to get better for his daughter. I found out it was a sober living home not a rehab.*He said he couldn't leave for 30 days but find that hard to believe.*He asked if I wanted I could go visit him to make sure he's really there. He asked for me to I bring our daughter so he could see her.

*I called the place and he is there. I just don't know if I should take my daughter so*he*can see her. The place is about 2 hours away and I think why doesn't he come out and see her. But at the same time I do want to see how this place is and wonder if he's going to stay there. I wonder what kind of place it is and if it is really helping him. It's been over a week since we spoke and I haven't heard from him. He also asked me to send pictures of our daughter but I don't know if I should. I'm so angry at him but don't want my anger to cloud my judgement. But don't want to give in either. I need peace of mind. I don't trust a word he says but want to support him if he is getting help.*
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Old 12-10-2010, 05:20 AM
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It's always a tough call when they say they want help or they are getting help and they want to pull us back into their world. Take it slow. Think it through. And remember that you and the baby are the priority here.....not him and what he wants.

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Old 12-10-2010, 05:40 AM
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If you feel nervous about taking your daughter to see him, then don't do it. Trust your gut. You don't have to do anything right now. If he wants to get his life straightened out, fine, but it's not anything that you need to get involved in. There is plenty of time to see if he is taking things seriously. It's not necessary for you to do anything right now.
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Old 12-10-2010, 05:50 AM
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Kind Eyes,
thanks for your input. I am trying to take it slow. Usually I would have called or emailed him, but I haven't since we talked over a week ago. I want to send him pictures but not sure if that's a smart thing for me to do. I agree my daughter should be my priority. I think he's using her to manipulate me. He even said in our phone conversation that "it's not about us anymore, we have to think about our daughter". He's telling me who has been taking care of her by myself since day 1!!!

Cynical One,
I guess how do I know if he's lying. I just want proof that he is getting help and serious about it. Yes I know he's already lied to me, that is all he has done this past year but I want to believe him. I wonder why does he lie if he knows I will find out? Dumb question I know. He must think I'm weak. Do I wait 30 days and see what happens? My conditions for him to be apart of our daughters life from him was to go to rehab and therapy. Do I
wait until he goes to rehab and therapy to let him see our daughter? I know I can't force him but not sure how to handle this situation.
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Old 12-10-2010, 05:59 AM
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Suki44883,
I'm more nervous about me seeing him then him seeing my daughter. I think it's best for me not to see him. My sister already agreed that she will take my daughter to see him so I don't have to face him. I'm not sure if he "deserves" it though. For some reason I think I'm running against a clock. Probably because I think maybe seeing his daughter and looking in her eyes will motivate him.
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Old 12-10-2010, 06:22 AM
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It would motivate a "normie" but he isn't one..he is an addict.My daughter was unable to leave her sober living for 30 days..for good reason..they know enought not to trust someone so early in recovery to thier own devices.Take a cue from them...let him prove to you he is serious about recovery..he needs to be the one doing the work here. You focus on yourself and the baby.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:10 AM
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Foreverchanged,

IMHO I believe that seeing his daughter will not motivate him. I think that is wishful thinking. The only thing that will motivate him is his willingness and wanting to change for himself. After all, he cant do it for someone else. I would take all the time you need to make your decisions. I know how it is to be so indecisive, not knowing what is right, what is wrong, but I believe also, that deep down....we really do know! Its just doing it that is the hard part. Stay strong Sister!
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:37 AM
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I don't know what this "place" is that he is in.. But anywhre worth any credibility would Have NEVER told you whether or nor he was there. They aren't allowed to.

I am also not a fan of using children as recovery tools.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:57 AM
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Keepinon,
Good point. I believe he should prove he's serious about recovery. I'm trying to focus on just the baby and me. I thought it would be easier once she was born but I find it just as hard. I'm stuck in the house all day with a lot of time to think which drives me crazy.

Cynical one,
he doesn't have any of the things you listed. He's staying with some girl who's supporting him with a place to stay, car to drive and drugs. He told me while in jail he was going to drop her and get his own place, find a job and get a car. But why would he when she has made it so easy. He hasn't done one thing to prove he's capable of being a dad.
Miss Tara,
it is definitely wishful thinking. He wasn't there for her birth because he was so "messed up" what makes me think seeing her will change him? I do think that him going to a sober living home was his willingness to change and a good decision. Which makes me think maybe meeting his daughter will help him continue on the right path.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:59 AM
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[QUOTE=Foreverchanged;2792866]Keepinon,
Good point. I believe he should prove he's serious about recovery. I'm trying to focus on just the baby and me. I thought it would be easier once she was born but I find it just as hard. I'm stuck in the house all day with a lot of time to think which drives me crazy.

Cynical one,
he doesn't have any of the things you listed. He's staying with some girl who's supporting him with a place to stay, car to drive and drugs. He told me while in jail he was going to drop her and get his own place, find a job and get a car. But why would he when she has made it so easy. He hasn't done one thing to prove he's capable of being a dad.
Miss Tara,
it is definitely wishful thinking. He wasn't there for her birth because he was so "messed up" what makes me think seeing her will change him? I do think that him going to a sober living home was his willingness to change and a good ydecision. Which makes me think maybe meeting his daughter will help
him continue on the right path. I do know what I should do it is actually doing it that is the hard part. Sigh..
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:06 AM
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I've been where you are, and it can be very hard when a child is involved. My exah has been out on the streets, in so many rehabs, and even in jail. I have always tried to help him see our son when it was possible, and when it was impossible for him to come to us. However, I am not responsible to be sure he sees his son. I have left it up to him to make the effort to see him. Where there's a will, there's a way. And even out of rehab and jail, he's sees him sporadically, only when it's convienent for him.
Also, I never sent pictures when asked. Not because I was being petty, but because I felt it's not my responsibility. If he wants to see him, he can come take his own darn pictures.
You will decide what is best for you and your daughter. I placed my son's best interest, and my sanity before my exah's desires/demands. I consented when I didn't feel resentment for the request, and I refused when I did. And I learned to be ok with my choices.
Sending you hugs.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:14 AM
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Flutter,
I do know it is a sober living facility that's it. I called and I asked to speak to him and he was there. We spoke breifly. This is all new to me since I've never had dealt with anybody with an addiction and this is also my first child. I haven't sent pictures as he requested and haven tried to contact him either. I'm so confused now and just Need advice and other peoples perpectives. I'm trying to also find strength to do the right thing for not only myself but my child too.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:08 AM
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Check the motivation for wanting him to meet his daughter.

He the sperm doner.

Does not sound like he has any interest in meeting his child, else he would have done so.

Does not sound like he has any intention of contributing to her support, else he would have done so.

Actually, he sounds like a big ole irresponsible baby who needs a mama to take care of him.

Where's the upside, given he has no interest in the responsibilities that go along with being a father?
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Old 12-10-2010, 12:43 PM
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My sister already agreed that she will take my daughter to see him so I don't have to face him.

You are free to do as you wish; however, there is no way I would allow this to happen. No one, family included, would be allowed to take my newborn child anywhere that is inhabited by recovering addicts. I sincerely urge you to think more about this before you let your child out of your sight.
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Old 12-10-2010, 03:21 PM
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Outtolunch,cynical one and Suki44883,
thanks for the ugly truth I appreciate that.

Cynical one,
his actions show nothing but he's not ready to be a father. Funny his words "I'm not goin to tell you anymore what I'm going to do I'm going to show you". I guess he sure showed me.
As far as my actions as being a responsible parent. I have a job to go back to when I'm off maternity leave. That was one of the things I was able to mantain through all this chaos despite all the stress and being sick throughout my pregnancy. I already have a degree but am still looking for alternatives. I am saving some money to get my own place. Have childcare in place when I do go back to work. And looked into any assistance I can get but unfortunately don't qualify because of my income. I am taking steps to better myself so I can be the best parent I can be.
Suki44883,
I am giving it a great deal of thought to allow my sister to take my baby. That's why I haven't done it and needed others advice. After seeing your perspective it doesn't seem like a wise decision after all. I think I just thought if only hr saw her but that's not realistic at all
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Old 12-10-2010, 04:38 PM
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He got out of jail and now is in sober living. But there was some time inbetween and in that time he did NOT ask to visit his daughter (either by message or directly). He didn't lift a finger to see his newborn baby? I wouldn't bring the baby to him. A loving father of a new baby will move mountains to get a glimpse. I don't use addiction or recovery as an excuse either unless he is inpatient in which case a counselor would have been the intermediary.

You have very good instincts on this one. He has not shown an interest in being a father. Not only that he has shown no interest in even bonding with the new baby. Even if he didn't have the capacity to parent, he should take an active interest in knowing her. I have never heard of a newborn baby brought to the new dad unless he is locked up or in the hospital hooked up to life support. Those are the only two excuses I'd accept

Not sure where he staying but sounds like an intermediary would help you.. a professional one like a social worker, counselor, LAWYER
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:29 PM
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Babyblue,
yes he had a chance to see her in between. Even missed the birth of his 1st and only child. His excuse he was doing thousands of dollars of drugs and so out of his mind. It breaks my heart that he wasn't there and hasn't even met her. But then again it's his loss. It's like he's a different person now.
As far as help from an intermediary, what kind of help do you mean? And do you have any suggestions how I would go about getting help from a counselor or social worker?
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:56 PM
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Sometimes there are prison release programs for families/kids of those incarcerated who have been released. But right now you need to focus on yourself and the baby. Let dad sort himself out.

I only suggested that because if at any point you want dad's involvement, there may be resources/programs that can work with you. Right now it sounds like you are dealing with the stress of a new baby and absent dad Focus on that and sort out details later when you are feeling better.
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Old 12-13-2010, 03:44 PM
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I am giving it a great deal of thought to allow my sister to take my baby.
Please don't do this. He'll have plenty of time to see the baby and develop a relationship with her once he's fully established on the road to recovery. Right now, the baby just needs her mama. She doesn't need to go to a halfway house to visit her half-interested father...

Being a single mom is hard and you deserve support - emotional and financial. But you aren't going to get it from him, not until he's stable anyway.
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:44 PM
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Hello-kitty,
After reading my posts and the replies, I totally agree with you. I feel ridicuolus for even considering taking my newborn to visit him there. He needs to make the effort to see her. And just like babyblue said a loving father will move mountains just to get a glimpse of a new baby. I am still very much in denial. But he is what he is, an addict. And I still can't believe he hasn't attempted to see her but that is reality. Once upon a time all he wanted was to have kids and be a family. Wish he would really get help but now nothing I say or do will change him. And unfortunately not even seeing my beautiful baby girl.
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