Hi everyone, I'm Jen
 

I've been reading here for quite a while and decided to finally post.

The addict in my life is my 41 year old sister. I've been distancing myself from her for the past year and a half because there was too much drama and chaos. I have still had limited contact with her because she lives with my dad (the world's biggest enabler), but I've done well with not taking or returning her calls. She thinks I'm a terrible sister, but I can't have her crap in my life.

My dad typically doesn't tell me any details of what she does because he wants me to want a relationship with her. But yesterday, he called me because he was concerned. There was an incident last week where she called the cops and accused my dad of beating her up. She was obviously intoxicated, so the officer told her to go to bed or he was going to arrest her. She went to bed and then the officer told my dad he should complete paperwork to have her admitted to the hospital. The next morning, he did that (for the 3rd time in a year). They kept her for 6-7 days and she got out on Tuesday. She was extremely angry at him for having her committed, so she came by his house to get her stuff and was screaming and treatening him and my nephew (her son) and being crazy.

While she was there, she kept waving a list around. My nephew grabbed the list to see what all she was trying to take from the house. It was mostly a list of stuff to get (mostly belonging to my dad, not her), but at the bottom of the list she had "gas cans, burn houses" and then my children's names. My kids are 4 and 6. I asked my dad if he had any idea why she would list their names and he said (almost as an irrelevant afterthought), she's been saying she was going to kill them everytime she got mad at you for about a year because she knows that would hurt me more than anything. WTH? What kind of psychopath threatens to kill someone's children? And why the hell did my dad not think he should tell me that? I started yelling at him about not telling me and his response was that she is all talk and threatens him and my nephew all the time too. "She's not going to do anything." I'm almost as angry at him as I am at her. When I told him that I was completely done and was never speaking to or seeing her again & that I wouldn't come to his house if she was there, he said he would like to see peace in the family.

So, I went and got an emergency restraining order against her (which can't be delivered until she comes back to my dad's house because I don't know where she is) and we have to go to court on Wednesday to get the long term order. My dad did say he will go to court and testify since he's the one who heard my sister make the treats. I also called my son's school and daycare and let my husband's family and my neighbors know. I'm calling a friend of mine who is a cop today to see if I can file criminal charges even though I never heard her threaten anyone. So, I think I've done everything I can do.

I know that my dad doesn't think she's crazy enough to do anything, but I'm not that naive.

Thanks for taking the time to read, I vent about it to my husband and friends but thought someone here may understand a little better since they have lived with chaos and craziness.

Hi Lookup: Glad you found SR but also sorry you had to find SR. But you have found a place full of ESH (experience, strength, hope).

You have made some good moves to protect yourself. I think it is wise to hold someone at their word. Your sister's brain is like that of an undisciplined 3-year-old, and undisciplined 3-year-olds say all kinds of crazy stuff. But she is also an adult who can act on her words.

Keep coming back here. There will be others coming along shortly to respond to your post. But also I highly encourage you to find Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area because your sister's addiction has fragmented your family of origin big-time, and there really can be healing from that. You are full of all kinds of negative emotions right now (as anyone would be in your situation), and Naranon/Alanon is a good place to be able to get those feelings out so they do not stay inside your head banging around and causing you all kinds of damage.

Again, welcome to SR !

Welcome to SR, Jen.

I am so glad you are taking this seriously, as sad as it is. Active addicts are not predictable and often have mental health issues that need to be addressed. Problem is, when they are actively using they cannot be assessed for the mental health problems.

At this point it doesn't matter why she is like she is, what matters is the safety of your father and yourself and family. Believe what she wrote, even if it was a passing thought during a dark moment. It could happen again and she may carry through.

We are all here to support you and walk with you through this difficult time.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

Thanks for the Alanon recommendation. I haven't really considered meetings since I had pretty much removed her from my life. But I do have a lot of anger and resentment. I'm struggling with whether or not I want a relationship with my dad. I feel like he put her needs above my safety. I need to get through the anger so I can make a rational decision about what to do.

Jen, Welcome to SR. I agree with the others, certainly check into Alanon/Naranon meetings for yourself, keep posting & reading here. IMO you did the right thing in protecting your family. Your sister may never act on her threats, however it is not something I would lightly when dealing with an active addict.

Hugs & Prayers coming your way.
Chris

As i got to the bottom of your post I was thrilled to see you got an order of prtection..sane people don't say things like that.Ugh! I go to alanon and it really helps me..lots of people ther have lingering issues do to addiction.It could really help you with your dad..the enablers/codependents (and I include myself in that statement!) are as sick as the addicts..can't see clearly anymore..threatening to burn your kids?It truly is a family disease..you would be welcome there.

Welcome Jen,

You know, people do not surprise me anymore. I do not put it past anyone to do anything anymore either. So you doing what you can to make sure your children are protected is the best thing to do. My jaw dropped when you stated that your Dad said your Sister had been threatening your kids for a year. I could not imagine someone keeping that from me. I am so very sorry. Please keep your chin up, take care of your little ones and try to regain some serenity by staying out of the drama...

Progress not perfection.......MissTara

Thank you all for your kind words.

My dad called and said the restraining order was served, so if she tried to contact me or go anywhere the kids are I can have her arrested. She is furious my dad for telling me. He kind of unloaded on a lot of stuff that she's been doing that I didn't know about. It's hard to imagine how he's been living in that environment (and my 21 year old nephew, too). But he's an adult and he gets to decide when he's had enough.

I feel a little safer now.

I am glad the order was served and now you feel a little safer. Your right too, he is an adult and gets to decide when he's had enough, just like us! =)

Lookup
I'm glad that you got a restraining order on her. Addicts can be very unpredictable and add to it an element of emotional instability and possible mental illness and there are the makings of a potential disaster. I suspect that she was just spewing words to hurt and anger you and/or your father but I'm glad you didn't take any chances.

I hope you stick around and learn and share. There is no doubt that the rooms of Alanon and Naranon (and a good therapist) have helped me shed some of the anger, resentment, and anxiety that comes will loving or living with an addict in the family.

gentle hugs

Hello Jen,

I can not even imagine how you must be feeling I agree with what everyone else has said. Sending hugs and prayers your way.