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My boyfriend is an addict... Not sure what the drug of choice was

Old 12-08-2010, 10:58 PM
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Unhappy My boyfriend is an addict... Not sure what the drug of choice was

How can u love some one and care about them but not trust them when they tell u things that are deep feelings cause u can't tell If it's complete BS or the truth?
My boyfriend is a drug addict and just got done serving time in jail
He went thru some kind of drug rehab class in jail and claims he hit his brick wall and wants to stay clean Hes on a leg monitor, stuck at home with no car to get to meetings, find a job, etc..., And he is really frustrated about not being able to get a job or have transportation etc...
He says I'm the only one that believes in him and his path to recovery and That while we were broke up last year, he did nothing but screw up And it was because we were apart. He says he "needs me" and "misses me".
We are not exactly BACK together but we are friends and talk everyday
How can I learn to trust him when hes lied and hurt me so much?
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Old 12-09-2010, 12:00 AM
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Welcome to SR!!

I can only tell you my experience, and I'm both an RA (recovering addict - crack) and a recovering codependent.

If your gut is telling you that you can't trust him, I'd let him go. Relationships that work are based on more than love. There's trust, compassion, honesty, and for me, I need someone who will enhance my life...not "complete it" as I always thought back in my more codie days.

How is he enhancing your life. You don't even know what his DOC (drug of choice is)...that's a big deal. Different drugs do different things to people, though they're all bad. He's most likely staying clean, right now, as he has the ankle bracelet (don't know if it's one that detects alcohol/drugs) and is on intense probation, or at least that's what I know it as.

Recovery from addiction is more than quitting dope. He's got some strikes against him..if he had a felony, he's going to have a hard time getting a job. He's an addict for life....we never get over that, those of us who choose recovery, work very hard at not falling back into addiction.

You really know very little about him, and after having 3 XABF's (ex addict/alcoholic boyfriends), I'd say leave now. He needs to deal with his consequences, and that often means losing relationships. Sure, he's in a bad place, but he got himself there. Give him the dignity of finding his way out. That's what got ME into recovery and has kept me there for almost 4 years. Had anyone made my life easier, taken away any of my consequences, I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn.

Think about what YOU want. Do you want someone who's all bummed out because he's facing consequences he earned? Someone you can't trust? Someone who may turn back to addiction as soon as he's not being watched so closely? I don't think so.

I recommend reading posts of others here who have stuck with their A's and see what they've been through. It's not a fun life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-09-2010, 01:35 AM
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Welcome to SR, I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

I would suggest that if you haven't already read the stickies at the top of the forum.
I really have no advice to offer as I am still discovering how myself.
There will be people with more, experience than I have come along soon.
I wish you the best.
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:46 AM
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You cant!!!!
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Old 12-09-2010, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by StandingbyHIM View Post

He says I'm the only one that believes in him and his path to recovery
and That while we were broke up last year, he did nothing but screw up And it was because we were apart. He says he "needs me" and "misses me".
This is called " the hook".

He is not taking responsibility for himself and instead projecting his outcomes on you.

He's a convicted felon, on a leg monitor, has no car and no job. I suspect you have not been convicted of a crime, have not done time in prison, have a car and a job. Of course he misses and needs you.

What exactly makes you believe that being needed by someone who is not willing to take responsibility for himself, who lies and hurts you, is a healthy foundation for a relationship?

I don't know you yet I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than this.
I mean no snark here when I ask if you have considered getting a dog who needs you and unlike this guy, is not going to use, lie or hurt you?
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Old 12-09-2010, 09:32 AM
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I will just share my experienc.e.I am the mom of an addict ..we love her, I stayed home with them when they were little, got my degree in human development..got jobs at thier schools, provided counseling, went to their games, have been married to thier biological father for 21 years. We put her in a shishi rehab in Malibu..people flew from Hawaii, Canada, St.Louis every week to attend the family therapy with and for their addicted children..Right now 3 in that group are clean (that I know ), 2 of them , my daughter included are living in sober living structrured environments.She and the other girl had LEGNTHY relapses on their DOC before seeking help again. The 3rd clean guy..well that was his 3 rd rehab at 16 and he finally got it.
These kids were loved, nurtured, supported and also ENABLED till we learned better.LOVE DOESN'T FIX ADDICTION..that is what I learned for 20 grand and years of torturing myself.The addict is the ONLY one who can fix themselves..we aren't even good supports, not being addicts in recovery.they need their peers. You would benefit from your own recovery at nar or alanon..they will help you set boundaries for yourself.
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by StandingbyHIM View Post
How can I learn to trust him when hes lied and hurt me so much?
You cannot trust someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy time and time again. Action......not words....... and lots of time......that's how you learn to trust someone again. If it's just words and no action, they still aren't trustworthy. If they try to rush you into trusting them, they aren't trustworthy. It's that simple.
gentle hugs
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:37 AM
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Yes I've tried to find the "decent" guys but just haven't had luck
I'm not pursuing anything right now that more than just being friends. I can't bear to get crushed. I mentioned BF in post cause its just complicated feelings that I have towards him. If that makes sence at all! Lol it's like apart of me wants to be with him again but I'm having to KEEP myself from allowing that to happen
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:39 AM
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And I don't need another dog lol I have FOUR who are my babies lol : )
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:43 AM
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I understand that. I had a hard time trying to keep away from XABF#3, but I was conveniently locked up in Atlanta, almost 2 hours away from him, and it gave me time to think.

It takes time. I had to keep reminding the BAD stuff, stop dwelling on the "what if's" and "what he could be". Considering my only relationships were with A's, I finally started really reading and taking in what people were saying about codependency. It's like I was drawn to people who needed "fixing".

I can honestly say, that the time I've spent here, the wisdom I've learned, has helped me tremendously. It's not a quick process, though, but it does work.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-11-2010, 01:28 AM
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Can anyone tell me what the timeline should be for a recovering alcoholic to resume an intimate relationship? I know new relationships should wait a year, but what about the relationship which was damaged? Does this same "rule" prevail?
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Old 12-11-2010, 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by StandingbyHIM View Post
How can u love some one and care about them but not trust them when they tell u things that are deep feelings cause u can't tell If it's complete BS or the truth?
I think you go to a place, as often as possible, where you pay attention to their ACTIONS, not their words.

He misses you? Sure, maybe he does.

He needs you? Ok. Maybe he feels he does.

Those things do not change his behavior. When you set boundaries, you will better know what is acceptable and what you don't want to expose yourself to.

Don't understand that? Stick around.

And...
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