Foreverchanged

Hello I am new to this forum. Sorry my post is so long. I have read many posts and feel so many peoples stories and experiences are so similar to mine. I am at the point where I know what I should do but don't seem to have the strength or courage. My EXAB left when I was 3 months pregnant. We were together for a couple years and lived together for almost the whole time of our relationship. When we found out I was pregnant he was exstatic I was scared because I didn't feel we were ready emotionally or financially. I was thinking of terminating the pregnancy which I never thought I would even consider before. Their was something in my gut tellin me something wasnt right. But he convinced me he would take care of us and that we would be a happy family. I believed him he was the most caring and loving guy.*But soon afterwards I noticed changes in him. He started acting strange he had mood swings, was always sick, walked out on his job which happened to be a job with my mom, stayed out late which he never did and then after awhile wouldn't come home at all. Since I was in the early stages of my preganacy I was really sick and also worked full time. I didn't have time to chase him around. I figured he was just scared of becoming a father. after a few months one night he left and didn't come home. . The 2nd night he didn't come home I knew in my heart that he was involved in drugs. I can't really remember the next couple of days because it was all a blur. After a few days I eventually heard from him via text. He wouldn't call me to talk. I can't recall what was said but I know I begged him to come home. All he told me was he was staying with his friend and was lost. He was trying to get his life together. For a whole month we were in contact everyday. Mostly from me asking and checking if he's ok. He would text me in the middle of the night or early morning telling me he loved me, he wanted to leave the town we were in, he was sick and wanted to go to the hospital, his heart was beating so fast etc.. All the while denying he was using drugs. Making me seem like I'm crazy. When we met up the few times we did he always showed up late after 11 or as late as 2:00 in the morning.*He never once admitted to doin drugs and after ahwile I started doubting myself. I've never seen him doing it so I never had proof. Then a month later he was put in jail for violating his parole because he didn't report to his P.O. I found out he was staying with a girl who inner before. *I was told he had her over our*place while I was at work and both were using drugs. I visited him while he was in jail and found out so was she. He promised me he wanted to be a family and finally admitted to me he was doing drugs and using with this girl. I told him the only way that could happen was for him to go to rehab and therapy and he agreed. Meanwhile this girl was still visiting him in jail. He told me he was going to prove to me and show me once he got out. He told me and his sister he was going to mandatory rehab the day he was released and staying for 30 days. He served 3 months in jail. Fast foward to the day he was released and the last words we said to each other was I love you. And I didn't hear from him for awhile. After 30 days I realized he lied and was back to the same life. He didn't even bother contacting his own family. He even missed the birth of his daughter, the one thing he always said he never wanted to miss and couldn't live with himself if he did. My baby girl was in the NICU and stayed for 5 days in the hospital. I had my family around but I still felt so alone and felt sooo angry. After posting some pictures of my daughter on facebook he commented on them and that's the first time I actually heard from him. And that's also how I found out he was living with the same girl since he was out. A week after he called admitting to me he had been using drugs after he was released from jail. And said he was at a rehab trying to get better. And that he wanted to be apart of his daughters life and wanted to get better. I looked up the place it's a sober living facility not a rehab and called to confirm he was staying There. He is. The place he is staying at happens to be in the same city he was staying in with the same girl he's been with. He tried to tell me she doesn't do drugs but I reminded him he admitted to his sister and me she does. Then he changed his story and said she was getting help too. He met this girl in the beginning of the year and ever since I found out he was using. I know this girl she is a friend of his friend and has even hung out with us at our home more than once. She has been in contact with me claiming both him and her don't do drugs making it seem I'm a crazy ex who just needs to move on. Why would he admit to doing drugs if he doesn't and why would she lie saying he doesn't?? I don't get it... I told him that he needed to get help and prove before he could be apart of his daughters life. I have so many questions. Why would he tell me he wanted to be a family and start over knowing he was just going to go back to this girl and use again. Why would he lie about going to rehab? He didnt have to lie he could of dissapeared and just continue his drug use. Instead of giving his and my family and me false hope.*And don't you have to go to a rehab first before staying at a sober living facility?? Dont you have to pay to stay there? He said he couldn't leave for 30 days but I don't believe that. I also told him as long as he was involved with that girl I know he isn't serious about sobriety. Am I being unreasonable with this request? He asked me to send pictures but Im really skeptical since I don't think he deserves. I am so angry at him for abandoning me, his daughter and basically putting me through hell. I stood by his side the whole time he even *after he left me and was in jail. He was given a 2nd chance and be threw it away. I feel like i should just cut off all contact with him since in my heart their is no hope for him and his involvement will only cause my daughter heartache. He doesn't deserve her and I can't believe anything he says. It's just so hard because he is her dad and I don't what I will tell my little girl why her dad never was in her life. It's been over a week since we spoke and she's already 1 month old and he hasn't bothered contacting me to see how she is. I'm angry and hurt. Just like so many others who have dealt with an addict have said I feel like he's a stranger to me. He isn't the same person I choose to be the father of my daughter. It's like he's a monster. He's so selfish and I wish I could just move on and forget about him. I'm reminded everyday I look at my beautiful daughter who looks just like him of the man I once knew. I have so many lingering questions I want answers to.. I dont have the strength to move on. I feel I should but I have this glimmer of hope he can beat this. And I really believe he will. I can't help blaming this girl even though I know he is an adult I think she just makes it too easy for him. Since because of her he has money, a place to stay and someone to use with. Will he ever hit rock bottom?? Sometimes I think I'm just crazy and maybe he isn't an addict just a scared little boy who can't face his responsibilities *

Babyblue

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is often hard to tell what part is the addiction and what part is just the person. In other words, his inability to parent may just be who he is sadly. You may be on to something with wondering if he just is not a responsible person. The drug situation of course makes that fact even more obvious and harder to deal with. Your baby is still so very small so there is still a chance that he may want to be a dad but even if he wants to, the real question is can he. Due to all the turmoil in his life right now, it may be a blessing in disguise that he is absent.

Hope you are getting help and support with your little one. Do you have anyone you can share this with? A new baby as a first time mom (I assume) can make any situation so overwhelming so be sure to take care of yourself. Make that a priority right now

JayneCali

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Read what you wrote and ask yourself what you would say if your best friend just told you the same thing.

he has not proven to be responsible, honest or all that caring. It could be the addiction, or it could be him. she is obviously no better. the problem is, you cant change the decisions either of them make, and worrying too much about them wont make you and your daughters life better. focus on you and your precious baby, if and when he is ready to really change his life and be a part of hers (or even yours) you will know. till then, go to alanon meetings and try to make yourself the best person and parent you can.

i know its easier said than done, but we can only control what we can control, and unfortunately our addicts arent one of those things. best to you!

Foreverchanged

I feel it is a blessing that he left when he did and a small part of me thinks he did because he felt it was the best thing to do. I couldn't imagine living with an addict and trying to take care of a newborn.
I know the right thing to do is break away. Nothing I do or say will change him. Not even the birth of his daughter has had an impact. He always wanted a family or at least it seemed he did. At this point I don't know if he changed so much I don't even know him or if I ever knew him in the first place.
I just don't have the strength to let go. My daughter is my life. I haven't contacted him fir a week but not a minute goes by he doesn't cross my mind. Sometimes I want to send him a picture or an email to help him realize what a blessing she is. He hasn't even seen her. But then I remember all the lies, deciet and broken promises. It's a battle I fight everyday.

crazybabie

Hello Foreverchanged,

Your post was very touching for me if you haven't already please read the stickys at the top of the forum especially what addicts do. Trust your gut most of us here have found that out guts were usually right.

You said you do not have the strength to move on if you can't move on for you maybe you can use the motivation to move on for your childs, sake if that is what you decide is best.

I personally have found that those questions we have usually go unanswered...
Keep, posting and reading there is a wealth of information here.

MissTara

ForeverChanged,

It is my expierence that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Most of the time when I am having a hard time letting go, or thinking about my XAB, I tell myself that I have a choice in how I feel today, I have a choice in weather or not I go back to that insanity. I would like to share something with you, I keep this posted right in front of me on my computer and read it daily....

Todays Reminder:

"This day is mine. It is unique. Nobody in the world has one exactly like it. It holds the sum of all my past excperience and all my future potential. It belongs to me to do with thatever I like. I can fill it with joyous moments or ruin it with fruitless worry. If painful recollections of the past come into my mind, or frightening thoughts of the future, I will put them away. They cannot spoil today for me."

Remember, progess not perfection.......MissTara

Foreverchanged

Crazybabie yes I have read the posts at the top. The post of what addicts do helps me realize why and how he can be this way. But I think it's hard for me to 100% accept he truly is an addict. Silly but I never saw him using and whenever I did see him in person it was for a short time and he seemed sober. But then again I haven't been around an addict before.The last time I talked and saw him he was in jail. He was sober and it makes me second guess myself.
My daughter is the only reason I think I'm able to get through the day. She does give me strength. But at the same time I think that's what keeps me holding on. It's really hard to come to the realization he may never be the father she deserves and she will be without a father in her life. It breaks my heart.

Foreverchanged

Miss Tara,
Thank you so much for that reminder. That will help me each day. I agree we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I don't think I am as strong as I used to be. I used to be so positive. Now I do think I am a different person and I have a negative outlook more now. I'm working on changing that but not there yet.