persistent

I finally got the strenght to leave and I did it


But he shows up at my parents house unannounced.Telling me he's really about to stop using.He cant afford rehab but I know there are other options.He want me back .But I told him he need to get sober and change his whole way of living.He says that Im his support.I told him three months clean him working and going to meeting I might come back.I dont know if I should even go back.He is a really nice guy with addicts.Im lost I dont know what to do.

suki44883

Words mean nothing without actions. You were right to tell him that you won't consider going back until he has put together some sober time and is working a program. You have the right to change your mind about how long that might be. Don't let him sweet talk you into believing that if you come back, he will follow through with his promises. It's almost guaranteed that he won't.

Chino

Im lost I dont know what to do.

You listened to your instincts and did the right thing for you

nodaybut2day

At this point, all he's doing is *talking* about getting clean. What is he DOING?

You did the right thing by listening to your instincts and setting boundaries. Keep doing that. Keep looking at his actions before anything else.

MsPINKAcres

I have learned for me the best thing is to base my decisions upon another persons actions not on another persons words or best intentions.

When I see actions and results of positive behaviors, then I make decisions based on those actions - until then I can only make decisions on the behaviors I have seen so far.

That's just what is healthy and recovery oriented for me in making my life Happier, Sanier and Safer

PINK HUGS to you,

Rita

Impurrfect

(((Persistent))) - I agree with the above. I'm an RA, and there were MANY times I talked about getting clean, getting my sh*t together, etc. My actions, however, proved otherwise.

Once I chose recovery, I didn't have to say a word. My actions spoke volumes.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

wildbucky13

Persistant,
Actions do speak louder than words, and they never lie. You can look through some of my old posts, I have experienced the same thing. I found a safe place at my parents, who let me learn on my own, but provided me with some place loving to fall.
What I have learned is that a person will get clean when they're ready, whether you're with them or not. Whether you're there or not. It has to be about them, just like your recovery has to be about you. You each do what you need to do to become two completely healthy people, who only then can make a completely healthy relationship. If that makes any sense.
Sending hugs to you.

hello-kitty

Hello persistent! I think you drew a very strong firm boundary. And sticking with it is a good thing for everyone! Work on yourself as well during these next 3 months.

No contact is always a good thing at this point. If he's going to get clean, it's not because you support him. That's a very manipulative thing for him to say. When he's ready, he'll get clean because he has hit his bottom, has spent some time there and he is ready to do the work necessary to recover from his addiction. He will be a completely changed man. He's not there yet. He's still the same guy and you cannot control his bad (or good) choices. You are not responsible for his behavior.

If your relationship is meant to be, it will still be - even after 3 months of no contact. If not, you will have grown and become a stronger person because of the experience.

steve1840

this is a helpful post for me as i find myself a bit more realistic and whole. i almost feel i can make a big move, maybe not today but soon.

i wonder, in a situation like this, where you say i want to see where you are in a one, 2,3,4 or whatever, is that a time for no contact or can one keep basic contact? i am no longer afraid of lossing this relationship, in fact its long lost. i have removed further from romantic notions and want to know the best way to proceed without feeling guilty.

i don't mean to hijack the thread, but it is a relevant topic.

marteen

So sorry!

Unfortunately, promises are just promises but actions have teeth.

Don't second guess your instincts; don't walk away, run. He needs to do what he needs to do and he will do it with or without you. HIS choice, remember?

Take care of YOU.

Hugs,
Marteen

Kindeyes

It took a lot of courage and self care to draw that strong boundary. Good for you! Taking care of yourself first is the kindest thing you can do for yourself....and for him.
gentle hugs

persistent

Thanks Steve, I was unsure to about the contact or no contact.

persistent

I would like to thank you all for your responds,advice,encouragement. It sure feels good to have you all as a part of my life.You have helped me so much and continue to help me.Im going to keep myself in prayer, stay focused.Because I dont want to go back to where I can me from. I sat down and took a good look at my situation and deep in my heart I said I've had enough.My life was passing me by and time is something we can not get back.I will continue to read and post Hey, you all are a very big part of my recovery.


THANK YOU

keepinon

If someone wants recovery...NOTHING will stop them as it will be their #1 priority..above a relationship, thier children, job, etc. because they know everything hinges on thier sobriety.
Lots of people talk a good talk when push comes to shove,but you will know recovery when you see it. Trust that instinct..living with addiction can silence that little voice we have. I would suggest alanonmeeting for you..they really helped me with boundaries and my daughters recovery.

newnormal4me

time is something we can not get back
Oh so true!!! Coming from me who is trying to come out of 5+ years of this crap. I have a lot of regrets. Losing all those years probably being the biggest.

Stay strong! You can do this.

coffeedrinker

hello, persistant, i think you are doing really well. it's HARD to make the decision to break away from someone you care about, and then when it sounds as though what you dreamed about may come true, to stick to your principles. GOOD FOR YOU!

keep coming here; this site is a tremendous help for many of us.

and WELCOME

lightseeker

I'm with angelstory....the regret over the loss of time can be huge. It's a tough one to learn to live with that.

Oh how I wish that I had had your strength to say....show me three months of clean time and meetings (without ME holding the accountability card) and I'll consider it...... Actions are EVERYTHING..... intention and words are just floating around out there. If I had done what you are doing I would not have been in tears (again) this morning already, discouraged about the whole thing, blah/blah/blah. I can't get that time back but I can quit wasting my time now.....

we are all so different but all so much the same.