mamaangelique

I was thinking I was almost ready to decide I want a divorce. Then he shows up over here to see our son (for 20 min.) and it completely undoes my resolve and I find myself just wanting him to say he wants to be together and keep our family together. Even though he told me that he is enjoying drinking (even though his DOC was oxy) and that he doesn't feel like being in recovery right now. He said he doesn't think a judge would see anything wrong with him "using my legal right to have a drink as long as I'm not with my son" and that he tried living his life the way everyone else wanted him to and he was put on this pedastal and that he feels a lot better now that he doesn't have all the expectations. I KNOW all of that is his stuff, but I just don't understand it. I don't understand how he can be so wishy washy. Most of all I don't understand why I can't decide what I want, without it being based on what he wants.
I know I'm not making sense and I'm sorry. I've never been this confused in my life. I'm such a fool for him even though I know that he may never be capable of treating me the way I want and us having the kind of relationship I want. But then I am afraid that I am just thinking "the grass is greener" and I have this problem that I am constantly comparing myself and my life to others. Of course I won't take him back unless he's back in recovery. But I'm just lost, floating in space. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want. I have to see him because of our son but I wish it didn't melt me so bad every time. Before tonight I was actually day dreaming about where I might meet the perfect guy for me and what our life would be like. then I see my husband and I'm back to square 1.

mamaangelique

thank you cynical one. I do know that I would need to be on my own for awhile if we divorce but I gess in a weird way the thought of being able to start over and find a relationship that better suits me is exciting. But in the next thought it terrifies me to think of not having this man who I've been with for 15 years in my life everyday. We are very broken, but I do love him.
I attend an Alanon meeting but I don't have a sponsor really so while I have gained a lot from it, I know there is a lot of hard work that I need to do.

newnormal4me

You are making complete sense to me. Yes, in our twisted way. I completely relate to everything you just wrote. I could probably write it. But I made a decision to move forward for ME and MY KIDS. It has not made it any easier...coming upon today, which was our first court date, I had a little voice constantly telling me I shouldn't do this. But I pushed that little voice back and kept taking one step in front of the other. There is this thing about the head and the heart - and for me, I finally realize that I can't trust my heart, but I have to trust my head. Someone here, I think it was Anvil, told me a while back that I had to separate the emotions from it all. And that is what I did. It didn't keep the emotions at bay, they were still they, and they still are there, but somehow I know in my head that I need to start a new chapter in my life and this was the only way. The pain is great right now...immense, it feels like a sea. But I will try with all of my might to continue putting that one foot in front of the other...and rest on faith that my HP is going to see me through this.

Hang in there and keep working at it. You will get to a place someday where you will know. Just realize that your emotions will likely not catch up with your head anytime soon. ****{Hugs}}} to you.

MissTara

I agree as well as I feel like I could of wrote your post. I go back and forth too. From minute to minute it seems like sometimes. But the reality is, in my case, I KNOW he will not find what he needs to recover with me by his side. I am an enabler. I want to fix him, control him, make him need me. So in all reality, by staying away from him (for almost 5 years now) is the best thing for me, and also for him. I do not love him anymore but I do care, and I am drawn to him like no other. I too have also been daydreaming about how a new man would come my way...I have been single for these 5 years, and I find that even dreaming about the possibility of someone new is a very big step. I will say that my XAB just got out of prison and is at a halfway house. He wont be back here in my city until Feb, so I will have to take everything I have learned and all my strength to stick to my decision. Girl, you are not alone. I hope one day the answer comes to you for the decision that is right for you and your son...

tam

I was forced into the divorce process due to money. after being together 30 years and married for 26 he filed.
we have been seperated for a year now, I just couldnt do it. I wanted to, but
then the thoughts of guilt and sorrow for him being so ill kept getting into my head.
I still cannot believe we are going through this. I will always love him, him, not what he has become. I still pray for him to get better. I still worry about him. I still get sad and I still cry.
I will always love him. But I honestly can say I dont think or I know I couldnt live with it again. I lost trust. I hope to be friends someday, I know he would love that but he also knows I will not have a relationship (even a friend) with him high on drugs. I made that perfectly clear and stand my ground, sadly I dont think I will ever see that, but I hope and pray that my HP gives me the chance to someday say goodbye before its too late.
my future?? well, those thoughts give me shivers! panic big time. I dont feel like I could trust a guy right now and it gives me panic to think if I ever will be with someone. The only men I trusted was my loving dad, my brothers, my boss and my husband. I cant be married to anyone of them,lol.
you know, I always said, better stay with the devil you know then go with the devil you dont know and honestly I still feel that way. I still question if Im doing the right thing! I think thats normal as we are scared to move on without them. Projecting doesnt help and thats what we have to work through, projecting our lives when in fact no one knows the future. live for today, live for you and your children right now.
I hope this gives you a sense of normalcy, what your going through is the same for many of us. keep at your support and keep working on your recovery the rest I believe will fall into place. You will know when and what to do once you start working on you. give it time and take a rest