saneagain

I am the mother of three boys that have meant the world to me. I recently divorced their alcoholic/bipolar father. The boys are with me all the time. I finally thought our home would be a peaceful place once again, but I was wrong. My sixteen year old son, who was formerly a straight A student, is now struggling with many of the same issues his father has. He doesn't drink alcohol, but has admitted to smoking pot and huffing. I currently have him in an outpatient treatment program 4 days/week and his drug tests have been negative. Last night he asked me to purchase some spray paint so he could paint his xbox controller. I calmly told him it wasn't a good idea since he had been caught huffing. He went crazy and used the "f" word several times, smashed his controller and threw his brother's computer at the wall, threatened to kill me... This all happened in front of his four year old brother. I can't raise my other two boys in these conditions! I made an appointment for him to get a psychological evaluation, but it'll be a couple more weeks until they can get him in. He never leaves the house and I suspect he has a depression problem - possibly bipolar disorder. What should I do when these outbursts occur? Do I call the police? I feel very much alone and don't have the energy to deal with this after all that I went through with my ex.

Chino

He may or may not be bipolar, it might be withdrawals. Call the police, his treatment program, your doctor, any medical/mental health professional you know and ask all their advice. Please do this now before the next instance, because there will be another since there was no consequence for him this time.

My 23 year old recovering addict daughter had violent outbursts when she was a teenager, before addiction. The biggest mistake I ever made was not finding help for her. I thought we could handle it and I was so wrong. Please utilize every resource you have and God bless you for knowing you can't deal with this.

Kindeyes

saneagain
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with these issues with your son. It is heartbreaking for a mother (I'm the mother of a RAS). I see that you are fairly new here to SR. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us.

So that I don't tell you things you may already know.....can you tell me a little bit about yourself? When you dealt with the issues with your XH, did you attend any Alanon meetings?

You are taking a very proactive approach to your son's drug issues and that is very admirable. Your son is at such a difficult age anyway and throw in the divorce and an alcoholic father and it can be so confusing to a young person. You are very wise to get him the help he needs now.

Personally, I found that I needed a lot of help to deal with my son's issues and I found that help in the rooms of Alanon and Naranon. Have you given any consideration to going to meetings? For me, it helped to talk to others who are experiencing the same issues. I also found great support here on SR.

I hope you'll stick around and post often. We can be here for you as a resource and source for additional support.

gentle hugs

saneagain

Hello Kindeyes. I haven't attended any Alanon meetings, but I've gone to my son's meetings with his counselor. We have our first "family night" meeting on Tuesday. I try to take good care of myself by exercising and eating right. My life is just so hectic. My youngest son is only four and my middle child is very active in sports. I work full time, and my family doesn't live around here. I have read two of Melony Beattie's books about codependency and a multitude of information about bipolar disorder and addiction. The most difficult part of all of this is that I hear so very few success stories.

Time4Me1

I also had trouble with my teenage boys after my divorce. I believe that boys have a hard time dealing with the sadness and fear that they feel when dad leaves. Although my life with their dad was miserable, they loved him very much. I miss understood the anger and other related things as teen age stuff. I did seek help like you are through PINS. Parents In Need Of Support. They were assigned a probation officer mostly for not going to school. This helped me a lot even though it was stressful. I also did out patient with one of my sons for pot. I even tried a day treatment program out of desperation. My normally loving, sweet sons just couldnt cope with teen age life, school, their dad not being around and all the emotions. Any way.....reach out for help and just let them know you care and are there for them. Is it possible to have dad more involved?????

My sons are doing a lot better now. Their father eventually stepped up and became way more involved. even though he had problems still, It was what they needed. Nothing is perfect and I worry about their dad's substance abuse problems and how they have influenced the boys, but they needed him and they seem happier now.

wicked

SaneAgain,

I am sorry you have seen so few success stories. My middle son was diagnosed with bi polar, he was medicated and counseled weekly and is now successfully finishing an aeronautical course and supporting himself.
The hopeful thing about young people is when it is caught early (as with your son) there is a much higher success rate with treatment. He could be acting out because of his withdrawal and missing his father, even though the father is not there.
My son knew in his mind his father was not a good role model, but in his boys heart he felt rejected. This can be addressed with a good therapist.
In my town, there is a crisis place to call when teens are acting out, and they can be scary because they are so big. my son was 6'2" and weighed 290 lbs. Try your county mental health department, they should be able to help you with referrals.

There is always hope. Always. I was not diagnosed until I was 33, and I got better.
You can do this.

Beth

Kindeyes

saneagain
I know it's difficult when you have young ones to take care of. Read as much as you can here on SR and if you are able......take an hour a week to seek help through Alanon or Naranon. The face to face support is absolutely invaluable.

I have also found so much support here on SR. You are doing everything you can for your dear son. Sometimes, as mothers, we are so very busy taking care of others that we fail to take care of our emotional and psychological needs. And there is nothing that messes with your psyche like a loved one abusing their bodies with drugs (or alcohol).

Make sure to take time for yourself.....even if it's just for a few minutes everyday. There is a great 12 step guideline here on SR at the bottom of the Friends and Family Forums if you are unable to actually get to a meeting. There is also a book I am currently reading that is by Melody Beattie.....Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps. So far I would give it five stars.

Feel free to ask questions or just vent here on SR. Sometimes it just feels good to get that stress that is building up in us...OUT!

gentle hugs