How to have a peaceful home with an addict
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
For me, it became a bit clinical. I decided on boundries. If I wasn't ready (for what ever reason) to tell him to 'get out", I decided that I at least had to have boundries. I sat down, made a list. It went something like this:
Him-
Money for the mortgage/bills weekly.
Treat me with dignity and respect.
Support me (emotionally, physically, intellecutally)
Be active in our lives-- socially, family, activities.
Me-
Treat him with respect and dignity
Not be a detective
Not try to control HIS life
Stop assuming my life is his responsiblity.
This has worked very well 4 me. I had a discussion w/ him, and if his addiction interferes w/ these boundries than he can leave. AND I MEAN IT. I WILL NOT put up w/ "moods" or any of the other complications that result from addiction. For all I know he could be sober-- because my boundries are not being violated.
We all know that's probably not the truth. But as long as my home is at peace- and there are no drugs here, what he does when he's without me is his issue. Not my problem. It only becomes a problem if he breaks my boundries and then he is gone.
Try to set what is your own personal boundries.
Love,
Cess
(don't forget yourself in those).
Him-
Money for the mortgage/bills weekly.
Treat me with dignity and respect.
Support me (emotionally, physically, intellecutally)
Be active in our lives-- socially, family, activities.
Me-
Treat him with respect and dignity
Not be a detective
Not try to control HIS life
Stop assuming my life is his responsiblity.
This has worked very well 4 me. I had a discussion w/ him, and if his addiction interferes w/ these boundries than he can leave. AND I MEAN IT. I WILL NOT put up w/ "moods" or any of the other complications that result from addiction. For all I know he could be sober-- because my boundries are not being violated.
We all know that's probably not the truth. But as long as my home is at peace- and there are no drugs here, what he does when he's without me is his issue. Not my problem. It only becomes a problem if he breaks my boundries and then he is gone.
Try to set what is your own personal boundries.
Love,
Cess
(don't forget yourself in those).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
I tried a contract with my ex alcoholic husband. I listed out several deal breakers and had him sign it. Exactly one month to the day he came home drunk and started badgering everyone. I still have the contract, lol! Its seems like a silly, controlling thing to have to do to a spouse, but I just couldn't take it any more!! I ended the marriage soon after. Every now and then i come across my contract and realize just how chaotic my family life could be at times and how much verbal abuse I suffered. I am now on my own and have finally found the peace and harmony that I longed for!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by cessy68 
For me, it became a bit clinical. I decided on boundries. If I wasn't ready (for what ever reason) to tell him to 'get out", I decided that I at least had to have boundries. I sat down, made a list. It went something like this:
Him-
Money for the mortgage/bills weekly.
Treat me with dignity and respect.
Support me (emotionally, physically, intellecutally)
Be active in our lives-- socially, family, activities.
Me-
Treat him with respect and dignity
Not be a detective
Not try to control HIS life
Stop assuming my life is his responsiblity.
This has worked very well 4 me. I had a discussion w/ him, and if his addiction interferes w/ these boundries than he can leave. AND I MEAN IT. I WILL NOT put up w/ "moods" or any of the other complications that result from addiction. For all I know he could be sober-- because my boundries are not being violated.
We all know that's probably not the truth. But as long as my home is at peace- and there are no drugs here, what he does when he's without me is his issue. Not my problem. It only becomes a problem if he breaks my boundries and then he is gone.
Try to set what is your own personal boundries.
Love,
Cess
(don't forget yourself in those).
Him-
Money for the mortgage/bills weekly.
Treat me with dignity and respect.
Support me (emotionally, physically, intellecutally)
Be active in our lives-- socially, family, activities.
Me-
Treat him with respect and dignity
Not be a detective
Not try to control HIS life
Stop assuming my life is his responsiblity.
This has worked very well 4 me. I had a discussion w/ him, and if his addiction interferes w/ these boundries than he can leave. AND I MEAN IT. I WILL NOT put up w/ "moods" or any of the other complications that result from addiction. For all I know he could be sober-- because my boundries are not being violated.
We all know that's probably not the truth. But as long as my home is at peace- and there are no drugs here, what he does when he's without me is his issue. Not my problem. It only becomes a problem if he breaks my boundries and then he is gone.
Try to set what is your own personal boundries.
Love,
Cess
(don't forget yourself in those).
I do like your boundaries. I like the part about not being a detective, and not trying to control his life. I have also let go of trying to control my grown son and his behavior. It was a very hard lesson for me. Naranon gave me some tools, that I didn't want to listen to in the beginning. Eventually, I listened. It's always a bit more difficult to let go of your child, then it is to let go of your spouse. The thing most people fail to realize with addiction is that the addict is still a human being. They aren't monsters or disgusting people. They are family members and human beings that are loved dearly. They are great and good people with an alcohol or substance abuse problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by steve1840
i do have more peace now. believe me, it was hard to find it and it was fleeting at best. it felt worse than going through that first terrible break up. the ONLY ONLY way i got any peace was when we started to have distance between us.
its all a process. it takes time.
its all a process. it takes time.
STEVE! wow, i am so pleased to read this post. you have indeed come a long way, yes?
please keep coming to this site, so that you can be a blessing to others.
(((peace)))
christine
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by theprocess
How do you deal with the mood swings, the lashing out, the psychological and emotional abuse?
but most of us regular folk, simply cannot.
we are humans. of course when someone is acting abusive toward us, all the telling ourselves "it's them not us" in the world can probably only do so much good.
just my belief anyway.
please, please keep coming to this site. it is a tremendous help for scores of us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
[ Marley,
I keep coming back to this, and it is soooo very helpful. It gives me peace when i can do this.
i wish i had a sponsor.
hug
chicory
QUOTE=marley75;2785041]Here are some things I can tell you TheProcess: I have learned to not place expectations on my Abf. If I expect something from him, and it doesn't happen then I am resentful. I also know that I can only change me, my reactions need to turn into well thought out responses. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to keep to your side of the street. Remember that yelling, screaming, passive agressiveness, silent treatments, big talks, etc. don't work. The thing that works is getting the focus on you. When you stop focusing on him you start to get better.
Detachment in my understanding from what I have learned in alanon and CODA is allowing the other person to be who they are. Thats it. So in love, I detach from his stuff. I don't hate him, I hate the disease. He is not the disease.
So now I focus on me, that means I work my program and stop obsessing about him. I have bad days and slip, but I am getting sicker, quicker and coming back to my recovery. I have a sponsor helping me work the steps. I talk to her constantly. She helps me reroute my thinking and reminds me of the tools and slogans. I also have learned to quit taking it personally=Q-TIP. When he uses, its not my fault and I don't have to feel like he did it to hurt me. He didn't wake up in the morning and say "How can I screw with marley today?" No, he did not.
I have also learned from my wise sponsor to not ask questions anymore. Stop asking about what he did, when he did it. No one likes that. I don't. SO instead I make an open conversation, centering around me. I say "this is what I did today...." and it opens it up for him to talk about him too.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. This too shall pass.... When we begin to focus on ourselves, the addict senses it. Have you read the book Getting Them Sober? It is for alcoholics, but I replace the word alcoholic with addict and it fits every time. Take care of you now. That is what naranon/alanon is for. You
((((HUGS))))
Detachment in my understanding from what I have learned in alanon and CODA is allowing the other person to be who they are. Thats it. So in love, I detach from his stuff. I don't hate him, I hate the disease. He is not the disease.
So now I focus on me, that means I work my program and stop obsessing about him. I have bad days and slip, but I am getting sicker, quicker and coming back to my recovery. I have a sponsor helping me work the steps. I talk to her constantly. She helps me reroute my thinking and reminds me of the tools and slogans. I also have learned to quit taking it personally=Q-TIP. When he uses, its not my fault and I don't have to feel like he did it to hurt me. He didn't wake up in the morning and say "How can I screw with marley today?" No, he did not.
I have also learned from my wise sponsor to not ask questions anymore. Stop asking about what he did, when he did it. No one likes that. I don't. SO instead I make an open conversation, centering around me. I say "this is what I did today...." and it opens it up for him to talk about him too.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. This too shall pass.... When we begin to focus on ourselves, the addict senses it. Have you read the book Getting Them Sober? It is for alcoholics, but I replace the word alcoholic with addict and it fits every time. Take care of you now. That is what naranon/alanon is for. You
((((HUGS))))
I keep coming back to this, and it is soooo very helpful. It gives me peace when i can do this.
i wish i had a sponsor.
hug
chicory
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