vaya

Well my AS is certainly hitting a bottom. My AS got kicked out of his girlfriend and her family's house last weekend. He stayed with a friend for a few nights, came around a couple of times. I think he was on a real 'run' with H. Angry about girlfriend kicking him out and her family. Told him he cant stay here as long as he's using. Too much too handle, too painful for me and younger son.

AS had horrible abcessed molar so took him for emergency dental trtmnt. After the extraction they wouldn't give him Tylenol 3 which made him mad. Said the dentist looked at his arms. He must have been acting out. I let him stay after the extraction to rest and cause he had court next day. Now he's been here for 2 nights. Yesterday and today he was in WD. So painful to see what he still chooses to go through.

Anyway....does God work in mysterious and miraculous ways or what??? Turns out he got 'sentenced' to 90 days in treatment at his previous placement for violating probation. He has to get in there by a certain time and also report to probation. He's accepted it and maybe is starting to connect that he has a real problem. Lost his new job too. I think he's getting sick of the WD and chasing after the high. Problem is that now he's in desperation mode....between reacting to WD and being literally 'driven' to get a fix, like he's under some hypnotic trance. It's so horrible to see.

In just a few days with him around, in and out, and all the nagging for money and negativity he emotes, plus the dental emergency and the drama of everything else.....I"M EXHAUSTED!!! He had been at girlfriends for almost 6 months and I'd forgotten how much it takes out of me.

Now I'm in a difficult situation. Since he has to go to rehab, ( if he violates probation again and the court's orders he will go to PRISON), and I thought he was welcoming it I was willing to let him stay until he gets a bed andplaced there. However, I'm put back in the position of waiting with him again and with the very reality that he will use again. He's in WD and knows rehab is very close so he wants to 'blow it all out' and probably use up until the day he gets in. I think he has already used since he's been here.

Kind of between a rock and a hard place, but don't want to suffer, and especially put younger son through any more of AS crap.

Q: Does anyone have any suggestions about where AS can go while he waits for a bed in rehab? Most programs want a committment for at least 60 days, so I don't know if he can just wait out a bed in the court ordered program somewhere else. (Usually the court has ordered him to jail while he waits for a bed. He is so blessed and lucky this time he didn't have to go to jail.)

Detox may be a possibility, but again, that depends on whether or not a bed is open and the places usually won't let me call for him. Also only lasts up to 10 days.

Hospital Mental Health ER is a possibility, but they'll only keep him for 3 days if he's not a real danger to himself or others. (Like using H isn't??!)

I'm mad that I feel the court stuck this on him and on me. I wish they could have ordered him to some kind of place while he waits. I will encourage him to do what he has to do, but he has to do it. If he doesn't, then he'll have to face the reality of going to prison. If he keeps using up until the time he has to go to rehab, which he thinks is a week, (actually it's about 30 days, which he doesn't know, and is even worse!), he may get another charge and may not even get into rehab.

I was so happy last night that the court ordered this for him so he could get the help he needs. Now....what to do during this awful waiting time. Even with explaining my boundaries and house rules etc. I'm hardly home anymore to monitor anything he does and i don't want to be in that role again.

If anyone can suggest anything else about how to handle this waiting period I would appreciate it. (Remember, you can't just show up at Salvation Army or a mission here....all have intake processes, get a number and wait for a bed, etc...) Thanks.

FGB

Hi, Not sure what to say. Am going to court to have my son committed to a rehab program tomorrow. It takes at least a week. And then there has to be a bed open. Neither his father or I will take him in the meantime. Not sure what will happen if there isn't a bed open at rehab.

I wish I had answers for you. I'm sure I'll learn more at court tomorrow morning. I'll let you know then. Maybe some of the other moms and dads will come along here and have suggestions.

Best of luck in the meantime. Know you aren't alone! Mom's shouldn't have to go through this.

Hugs,
FGB

Kindeyes

vaya
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this....I know how it hurts a mother's heart. I didn't see where you mentioned how long he has to wait......do you have any indication if it's a week, a month, or is it undetermined?

When I was recently at that point of total desperation with my son........I prayed and prayed hard and often. I just had to surrender because with my own son, it was to the point that he was living on the streets and it was BAD, really bad. My HP came through once I surrendered everything over to him.

When my world seemed to be spinning out of control, that's when my HP really came through. I hope the same happens to you and your dear son.

gentle hugs

JMFburns

vaya,
Not sure where you are located, but I know where I am there are homeless shelters that you have to wait to see if there is a bed for, but there are also homeless shelters that take everybody in - may just be a mat on the floor overnight, but it is a place to stay. The down side is they have to get up and get out first thing in the a.m.

I know it isn't easy having to be the one to say "No, you can't stay here, get out." Good luck to you and your son. I wish you all the best.

Chino

If that's what it takes, and if that's his only resource, then that's what he'll have to do. I bet if he went to an NA or AA meeting, he'd get some suggestions from people who have been there, done that.

FGB

Back from court, because my AS is court ordered, they will be holding him at detox. I don't understand everything, but I'm grateful. I don't need to understand it all. He is hating me right now. I'm glad he's alive. Hugs, FGB

litehorse

i wish i had some answers for all this suffering for us as moms and for the addicts we love - at this point i am simply speechless except for the language of prayer -

vaya

Thank you for responding. I guess my AS took care of matters himself so to speak...didn't come home last night, haven't heard from him all day....expecting he'll show up tonight or tomorrow to charge his phone. Probably he's staying with a friend. Checked inmate records and he wasn't arrested. Don't know if he followed through with anything court ordered yet. I'm sure he'd rather rehab than jail.
To respond to your responses...JMF Burns..Re shelters...not that many just take you in, even to sleep on a mat on the floor....It's first come, first serve and believe me there are hundreds of people who live on the streets in front of the shelter just to wait in line for a cot or spot on the floor inside. That's why there's so many homeless people living on the streets. Spots are extremely limited in the shelters. there's probably a few in Skid Row, LA, Ca that he might find a spot for the night, for which he will have to wait all day, while be tempted to further use by all the people selling drugs there. FGB..you can do that if your son is a minor, mine's 23 yrs old and I can't make him go to rehab. Lucky for you the court ordered detox. Don't know where you're located, but it seems like they have more on the ball there. Seems the judge here should have done the same her...which would also increase my son's chances of getting into rehab with detox behind him. Places here have very specific and different rules for heroin addicts than for other addicts..ie have to be detoxed medically etc. It would have made sense for my son too. shows how out of it the courts are here and clueless about the waiting list etc in rehab. Just glad my son didn't have to go to jail....hoping he'll get into rehab where he can get real help, therapy,meetings, and more. Kindeyes...I have been praying to God to help my son and felt my prayers were answered when my son was ordered to go to rehab for 90 days!! Just that the court forgot to cover all the bases and ensure he gets in there, rather than wander around waiting for a bed for a week to 30 days. (has to be in rehab by 1/7/11, but my son thinks its by 12/7/10) Surely the court could/should have done something to figure out where he should be for the next 30 days while he waits for a bed in rehab! Yes, all, I know he has to deal with the consequences of his actions, but if the court is going to intervene here, because, supposedly heroin use is a crime, then they should follow through with a better orchestrated plan. At least they're giving him another chance in rehab....and with my constant prayers he doesn't wind up in a worse situation in the next 30 days. Chino..going to an AA or NA meeting would be a good idea.....do ya think the court could have at least mandated that in the interim...he's been to AA and NA, but hasn't been able to embrace it or really relate, feels its like a social clique type of scene.....I encourage him to go and just listen if nothing else....who knows. He's right about the clique scene....I used to go to AA meetings years ago and I must admit I felt many of the people there were kind of phony....it took me forever to finally get a sponsor, no matter how much I shared. I tried different meetings too, but there were few I felt really comfortable in. Maybe its a California thing. An AA meeting I went to in upstate NY was much warmer and for real. Anyway, thanks for sharing back and taking the time to read my post.

litehorse

vaya - i hope you will keep sharing - everyone has to make their way through this in the way that works for them - there are some commonalities that run through despite the individual decisions - i know i have been encouraged and strengthen in dealing with my AS as well as dealing with my codependent tendencies - just knowing people who understand my situation are here and offer their help is the most amazing, comforting feeling for me - i will be praying for you and your son that he makes it into rehab and that you find some peace - blessings to you

keepinon

I would let him figure it out.Addicts are much more resourceful than the average Joe.

crazey423

I wish I had some answers for you! When my AD's PO said she was going to be going to court ordered rehab, she was going to have to wait 30 days and I was beside myself. I had no idea what I was going to do with her in the meantime!!! I told her PO that there was no way I was going to be able to handle her while we wait. He ended up putting her in jail to wait. Then we got lucky that a bed opened up earlier than the 30 days. She has now been in the rehab for almost 4 months and is going to panel to come home. She is supposed to go to a halfway house, but she is on a waiting list and they will allow her to come home to us while she waits. The problem is, my DH may not allow her to come home.

vaya

Crazy...at least you can talk to her PO. Guess your daughter is under 18. I don't even get involved with my son's PO...that's for him to deal with. My son's lucky he wasn't ordered to jail while he waits for a bed. Unfortunately, the situation, although a blessing, is also a curse in other ways. Keepinon....yeah, he's figuring it out. He knows he can't be here and be using or high, so he's taken it upon himself to just not be here. Today is day 4, almost. He hasn't been here for 4 nights now. Heard from him...he wanted money...I said I didn't have any..and that's that. Said he checked in with PO. don't know status of rehab wait or if he went. Said he'd take care of it.

I just pray he stays alive and out of further trouble. The situtation is nuts in some ways. It's like the court has given him carte blanche to do whatever while he waits for a bed. No other requirements, like providing proof he's been in touch with rehab, drug testing him, mandating meetings, putting him in detox...etx. In some ways, unfortunately, he's almost got permission to do whatever the f$^# he wants while he waits for a bed. Hope he doesn't pick up any new charges. Not sure he would, since he's in limbo, under the court's graces.

I have no idea what he's doing or where he is. He texted that he was staying with some sober friends, but that he needed money, cause they were paying for everything.I pray he's ok and doesn't do anything stupid or to hurt himself further and that rehab will take hiim before 30 days.

I don't know that as parents, especially mothers, we are actualy codependent. Some of the concept of codependence goes against the concept of what parenting is about. I agree it's important to continue to lead your own life, not enable the addicts further, and control the amound of crazymaking in one's life becauseof their addiction. Nonetheless, nothing will really keep us from worrying, wishing, trying to help them see the light, encourage them to do the right thing and make healthy choices. That's not being codependent...that's just being a parent, particularly a mother who wants the best for their child.

Chino

vaya, you've mentioned codependency a few times and it seems like you reject the concept. Does it bother you?

litehorse

vaya - i had a hard time coming to grips with codependency and how so much of what we do as parents is enmeshed into that - we do want to help and support our kids - we, as parents, would naturally give them all we can to make their lives better - but when it comes to drugs anything "natural" goes out the window - our child is being affected by something totally unnatural so the way we have to respond to that has to go against what we see as "natural" for a parent - please consider the concept and honestly analyze how it might be affecting you and your son in this situation - i tried and tried to do things to "help" my son - offering opportunities to turn from his addiction and begin a better life - he wanted that for the last 3 years but he could not do it on his own and he was reluctant to get the help he needed - he ended up in jail - twice - this time he will be there for a while - but i feel blessed at this point that he is there because i know he is safe and sober and he is doing some very serious thinking about how he got to this place - jail is certainly not the worst things that can happen

FGB

vaya,
Just to clarify, my son is 26 years old. I pursued a civil commitment, through the courts, in order to have him commited. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done, (and I haven't had a particularly easy life!). So, because of me, and what I did, he is legally bound now, to attend rehab (when a bed opens) and remains in "custody" so to speak, at detox. And now he hates me, but I had to do it, to give him a chance at life, and a better life.
Maybe you can look into it. Start with social services in your county. Good Luck, FGB

crazey423

vaya, my daughter is 20 years old. I called her PO and told him I couldn't handle keeping her home and clean while waiting for a bed. It was a very hard thing to do. When I took her to her PO and they put her in handcuffs and put her in jail, it broke my heart. I said, no mother should have to go through this. I was crying so hard. But I knew it was the best thing for her to be safe and clean! She understands this now!

vaya

I don't have a problem with the concept of codependency and I do understand it. I just don't think people should automaticall brand someone with that title because they reach out to see how other parents of addicted children handle matters and how it is for them in their lives. That's why I came to this forum. What will turn me away from it is people who are so overlyfocussed on one view and act as if they want to convert people to their way of thinking. I also don't appreciate people who are judgemental here. Everyone comes to do what they are comfortable with and what works for them in their lives. Some people here went through years of pain and struggle while they allowed their addicted children to stay at home, until they decided to turn them out. I was only back in contact with my son for about 3months while he stayed with me after getting kicked out of rehab. Before that I hadn't seen him for five years. Recognizing the insanity of addiction and the fact that I had to send him a firm message about his using I told him he had to go after he rejected going back to rehab. I don't think that's codependent behavior. I think people go a little overboard with labeling others. I know as his mother I cannot just give him money whenever he needs it, let him stay here when he's using, or feed into other excuses that encourage him to keep using. The fact that I told him he had to go after just 3 months blew his mind. It took his dad years. I also don't appreciate people labeling someone as codependent because they care about their addicted child or feel sad, mad, and frustrated about the choices their children have made. That's a normal reaction. The degree to which one lets their child's addiction interfere with and disrupt their own lives is what determines the degree to which one is or becoming codependent. Some here act as if doing anything involving your child's addiction is a symptom of codependency. Others say not to stand in the way of the natural course of things. FGB and Crazy took a stand and took action which resulted in their children getting locked up and held against their will. Some here would even argue that they should have stayed out of the way and let their children hit their bottom. Instead they chose to take a difficult course of action and at least know their children are safer now than before. Who can say whether or not that's better or worse than throwing their children out onto the streets. They did what they felt they had to do and were comfortable enought to follow through on, for both their sake and their children's sake. For me that is the extreme action, but their choice and one way to handle it when the courts screw up and don't order a well orchestrated plan or bother to consult whoever the child is living with at the time. I don't micromanage my son's legal affairs or other business. I don't talk to his PO. Ihave talked to his lawyers about what the court wants or what options are available. As I said, my son seems to be handling this himself by simply not staying here. He knows that he can't stay here and use and that I will not be as sympathetic and nurturing when he's here kicking dope. His problem. He chooses to use poison and that's what it does to him. He can stay he when he kicks and I wish he would get through it badly enough to never want to use again. I have no idea where he is staying, if he has food or clean clothes, since he left only with what he was wearing. It is now 4 days and I've only heard from him once asking for money. Do I worry? Of course I do. Do I wish he was here? Absolutely. I would like to get involved in seeing that he gets into the rehab, but I don't think there's anything I can do. He has to do it and wants to handle it himself. Frankly, I think the court is really messed up by letting him run amuck for 30 days while he waits for a bed. I wish they would have ordered him into detox to wait it out, but for whatever reason they don't. All I can do is pray. Addiction sucks. The system sucks. But its all we've got, other than love and prayer and support when the addict is doing the right thing.

Freedom1990

Vaya, the system does suck. I could write a novel-length book about the failings of the system when my youngest started acting out. I turned to every resource available, and didn't get a bit of help. I was told there was nothing they could do unless she tried to commit suicide, or ran away. Nice, huh?

Well she did eventually run away, and the state stepped in.

As always, I continue to keep you and both of your sons in my prayers.

sojourner

Hi Vaya:

Just wanted to encourage you and your post. I agree that it is not a given that one is codependent just by virtue of the fact that they are in relationship with a person who is addicted.

Like you, I have seen how seldom a crisis comes in my AS's life. YEARS can go by before a crisis happens, and addiction causes that window of opportunity (where he is willing to entertain the idea of getting help) to close very quickly. In my experience with my AS, I feel a lot of pressure to act quickly and wisely before that window closes. And I freely admit that my goals are 1) to find peace and serenity whether my AS chooses to use or not and 2) to raise my AS's bottom to the end that he will want a clean and sober life for himself.

Kindeyes

Vaya
I do understand your frustration regarding the codependent issue. I certainly don't want to label anyone as codependent and hope that I haven't done that to you or anyone else. However, I freely admit my own codependency. I do not feel it is a weakness or a moral defect or a lack of intelligence. I am a mother and I love my son. I truly admire parents who can turn the tough love on full blast. But I have to live with my actions and cannot take advice from others or they take on the burden of the outcome.....and yet they really don't all at the same time. Does that makes sense? I do, however, see how some of my actions can be (and have been) detrimental to my son's growth. I wish I could go back and change some things but who knows.....maybe it would change nothing.

I truly believe that each of us has to deal with our addicted loved ones within the boundaries of our own conscience because only "we" live with the outcome. It's easy for someone on the internet to tell someone else what to do.....or what they would do......but it's just not as easy as all of that, is it?

I do believe that there are some things we have control over and some things we just don't......and I've made myself absolutely crazy sometimes trying to control those things which are out of my control.

I wish peace for you......your mother's heart deserves it.

gentle hugs