Falling in love with somone in recovery...
Grace38
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3
Falling in love with somone in recovery...
I am falling in love with my daughter's father. When we met we connected immediately. It was magic. But his addictions quickly turned the the relationship sour. I was finally in a place in my life where i knew i could not change him so i moved on. However, we remained "friends" during the next several months and i ended up getting pregnant and having his baby. Our daughter is 7 years old now and after much drama and MANY attempts at sobriety he is finally, really on the right path and it's a beautiful thing to see. We have remained good friends and i have worked very hard at forgiveness everyday... Now! I'm falling in love with the guy i "thought" I met 8 years ago! He's so peaceful, focused, grateful, at peace and it's intoxicating!
What do I do?! My gut tells me that it's too soon to express these feelings because he has just hit his 1 year sober mark. I don't want to freak him out but to be honest, I don't know what to do.
He knows me so well, so he may already know i have feelings for him again. But this time it's different... I haven't fallen for someone who is a liar and a cheat... When he's around he makes Me want to be a better person. The fact that my family and friends love him when they meet him doesn't help either.
How do i approach this subject with him? And when should I?
What do I do?! My gut tells me that it's too soon to express these feelings because he has just hit his 1 year sober mark. I don't want to freak him out but to be honest, I don't know what to do.
He knows me so well, so he may already know i have feelings for him again. But this time it's different... I haven't fallen for someone who is a liar and a cheat... When he's around he makes Me want to be a better person. The fact that my family and friends love him when they meet him doesn't help either.
How do i approach this subject with him? And when should I?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Its great that he has sustained his recovery for a year. You no doubt want your daughter to have a healthy father in her life. So it is good that you are forgiving.
Not sure what it is you are asking...What do you do about telling him you love him? Loving someone who is in recovery? I think it is important to be realistic in any relationship particularly with someone who has a history of addiction. Some things to ask yourself are:
Is he committed to his recovery? (going to meetings/program)
Am I prepared to handle a relapse (if it happens)?
Also his recovery will and should come first. Relationships are second because he can't have them without dealing with a successful recovery.
Recovery is a process, not a cure. I sense that you are falling deeply for him and it is important to not let that cloud your thinking. But I am all about giving people a chance unless they prove otherwise
Not sure what it is you are asking...What do you do about telling him you love him? Loving someone who is in recovery? I think it is important to be realistic in any relationship particularly with someone who has a history of addiction. Some things to ask yourself are:
Is he committed to his recovery? (going to meetings/program)
Am I prepared to handle a relapse (if it happens)?
Also his recovery will and should come first. Relationships are second because he can't have them without dealing with a successful recovery.
Recovery is a process, not a cure. I sense that you are falling deeply for him and it is important to not let that cloud your thinking. But I am all about giving people a chance unless they prove otherwise
Grace38
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3
Yes, he is committed to recovery. He goes to meetings at least once a day.
I do agree that his sobriety comes first and i have been through relapse with him before but in his previous sober episodes it always seemed to be for someone else.. Now i can tell he's doing this for himself.
I don't know if i'm really asking anything. Just need to tell someone how i feel. I can't really talk to my friends or friends. They don't have any idea what his recovery process entails or that it's a lifetime commitment. So I'm here.
I do agree that his sobriety comes first and i have been through relapse with him before but in his previous sober episodes it always seemed to be for someone else.. Now i can tell he's doing this for himself.
I don't know if i'm really asking anything. Just need to tell someone how i feel. I can't really talk to my friends or friends. They don't have any idea what his recovery process entails or that it's a lifetime commitment. So I'm here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'm with cynical on this one. Just take it sllllow. That is best for any relationship.
I understand about not being able to talk to your friends. Unless they've been through it, it is hard to discuss issues. That is why SR is great!
Even in recovery, he has to relearn how to live a healthy productive life. Those addict behaviors get pretty entrenched in the person. Plus if there are other issues (depression for example) that he is dealing with, all the more reason to proceed slowly. What is slower in coming together, takes longer to fall apart.
All you can do is be supportive and take care of yourself FIRST. Try not to agonize and just enjoy it for what you have now. That is all you can do in any relationship really.
I understand about not being able to talk to your friends. Unless they've been through it, it is hard to discuss issues. That is why SR is great!
Even in recovery, he has to relearn how to live a healthy productive life. Those addict behaviors get pretty entrenched in the person. Plus if there are other issues (depression for example) that he is dealing with, all the more reason to proceed slowly. What is slower in coming together, takes longer to fall apart.
All you can do is be supportive and take care of yourself FIRST. Try not to agonize and just enjoy it for what you have now. That is all you can do in any relationship really.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
alltogether38
One year is a great anniversary but it is still quite early in recovery. And his recovery depends on you having your own program of taking care of yourself first and foremost.
No one here can answer your questions of "when" or "how" or we take responsibility for the outcome. We can rejoice with you if things turn out well and we can help you pick up the pieces and support you if they don't go well.......but telling you what to do or when to do it.....that's very dangerous territory!
I said this in another post recently and I think it bears repeating......Proceed with caution. Addicts (and recovering addicts) do not come with a warning label.
gentle hugs
One year is a great anniversary but it is still quite early in recovery. And his recovery depends on you having your own program of taking care of yourself first and foremost.
No one here can answer your questions of "when" or "how" or we take responsibility for the outcome. We can rejoice with you if things turn out well and we can help you pick up the pieces and support you if they don't go well.......but telling you what to do or when to do it.....that's very dangerous territory!
I said this in another post recently and I think it bears repeating......Proceed with caution. Addicts (and recovering addicts) do not come with a warning label.
gentle hugs
Grace38
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3
Thank you all very much for your advice. I guess i knew i had to take it slow but it's nice to hear it from folks who can understand what he is going through.
I was going to go to an Alanon meeting here in my hometown but he actually goes there when he's in town and i don't want to invade his space or privacy. They hold AA meetings there regularly and are a very close knit group. Maybe sometime in the future when he invites me and feels more comfortable. The good thing is that he talks to me about his recovery and the joy and peace it's bringing him and that's a good thing.
Cynical One... yes, he does have a sponsor and he is now also a sponsor for some addicts new or re-entering the program. I have met his sponsor at an AA function and he is a really good guy with several years in recovery. Although alcohol was not the "big" problem, he lives in a small town and there are no NA meetings there. But he says that alcohol is his gateway to harder drugs so he is happy with his AA group.
I know I have a great man here. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him. I also understand that relapse is a strong possibility.... But I know how to handle that now... not to enable. Tough Love with lots of hugs and and mountain of patience!!
I was going to go to an Alanon meeting here in my hometown but he actually goes there when he's in town and i don't want to invade his space or privacy. They hold AA meetings there regularly and are a very close knit group. Maybe sometime in the future when he invites me and feels more comfortable. The good thing is that he talks to me about his recovery and the joy and peace it's bringing him and that's a good thing.
Cynical One... yes, he does have a sponsor and he is now also a sponsor for some addicts new or re-entering the program. I have met his sponsor at an AA function and he is a really good guy with several years in recovery. Although alcohol was not the "big" problem, he lives in a small town and there are no NA meetings there. But he says that alcohol is his gateway to harder drugs so he is happy with his AA group.
I know I have a great man here. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him. I also understand that relapse is a strong possibility.... But I know how to handle that now... not to enable. Tough Love with lots of hugs and and mountain of patience!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by alltogether38 
I was going to go to an Alanon meeting here in my hometown but he actually goes there when he's in town and i don't want to invade his space or privacy. They hold AA meetings there regularly and are a very close knit group. Maybe sometime in the future when he invites me and feels more comfortable.
Hi Marina, and welcome to SR!
Alanon is a wonderful program that can help you heal from the effects of his addictions. They may have Alanon in a separate room from the AA meetings where you live, or perhaps Alanon is on different nights than AA. You won't be invading his space or privacy, dear.
Now that you share a child with him, having your own program of recovery will benefit you, your little one, and him also, yes?
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a very good book to read, and has helped me a lot over the years. She has a whole series of books on codependency.
I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you continue to post.
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