persistent

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.I need to vent.....

I stay with my ABF I told him that I would be leaving on Saturday.Im still here. I think I messed up by telling him because he's been telling me he is going to stop,he doesn't want me to leave,and that he loves me.I suffer from major depession/fibromyalgia but Im beening treated for it.My mom say's that I can come and live with her.It's really boring no cable no internet.Im alil afraid of going into a deeper depression if I leave or I stay.
He has not stop.He feels that as long as he's giving me attention then I won't feel like he is in his own world.Its the same routine everyday/week.He gets up eats breakfast,lays back down,his phone rings he's goin.He returns back home with crack and if he can make money or be giving crack he's back out again.On the weekends he get's high with one of his friends until the early am hours.So Im bascily spending my nites alone.He's been using for eight yrs.
I feel stupid.I love him I told him he can't love me because he doesn't love himself.I dont understand why I hold such strong feelings for him.I dont understand why Im still watching my life pass me by.I feel sorry for him.He's told me about alot of pain he holds in from his child hood life.He's 43 Im 36.I guess its something deep down that hopes he'll change before I pack my things and leave.

Kindeyes

You can't control him. You can't make him stop. And all of us have thought.....if he really loves me, he'll stop. If love could make an addict stop using, none of us would be here. How long will you stay with him? Until the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying.

It takes a lot of courage to change the status quo and the only thing you can change is yourself. I hope you find the strength to take care of the person you can control....you.

gentle hugs

suki44883

You didn't make a mistake telling him you were leaving, you made the mistake of not meaning what you said. You thought that threatening to leave would make him change. Words mean nothing unless they result in actions. Your words didn't result in actions and his probably won't either. He's just saying whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you around.

There are worse things in life than not having cable or internet.

Wascally Wabbit

I went through severe codependency all my life. I am free from it now.
But, I know what you're feeling. That you can't function without him. But you really can. You just don't want to go through the break up and sadness and turmoil it brings.

It's a decision we have to make. Either continue in the madness, or make a comfortable, peaceful life for ourselves elsewhere.
It's not easy. When you are ready, and not a moment sooner, you'll make the decision to do what ever it is you need to do.

litehorse

persistent - i pray you will find the strength to do what you need to do for yourself - no one can do that but you - keep coming here and reading and sharing - find meetings to attend where people can encourage you in person -

MsPINKAcres

((persistent))

hate that you have been living in this unhealthy & unhappy situation for such a long time - I know for me it began to feel so normal that the fear of changing became so overhwelming that I didn't think I could ever get out.

Like others have said - there is nothing you can do to change him, but there is plenty to do for yourself - you can continue to post here, read recovery books (How Al-Anon works for family & friends of alcoholics, codependent no more, Getting them sober, etc.), attend al-anon meetings, and other things -
These are some of the things that helped me decide I wanted better for myself - that I deserved better and helped me to start living a happier and healthlier life.

Please remember you are worthy of being Happy, Joyous and FREE from this constant chaos.

PINK HUGS to you,
Rita

dollydo

Do you work? if so, you can make a plan to move out on your own and have cable and internet.

If you want a better life, it is up to you to make it happen for you.

hello-kitty

Relying on a crack addict for emotional, physical and financial support is like leaning on a matchstick.

Can't you come up with another way to finance your cable and internet? And if not, those things aren't essential for your survival anyway. Actually, many people don't have TV or cable and they do just fine. Youre worth more than that. I'm sure of it.

Those things just sound like excuses not to deal with your real issue with him - the fact that he won't quit using drugs and be the man you'd hoped he'd be. You can't change him. Crack addiction is progressive. It's just going to get worse the longer you stay.

I'll bet that if you moved back in with your mom, you'd find other ways to entertain yourself (try reading or attending alanon meetings) - and you wouldn't be dependent on a crackhead for your self-worth. You can't put a price on that.

persistent

I am unable to respond back I will when Im able.I believe I my have not given enough information on my last post. (where is my strenght.Do to the responds I've recieved.






Thanks for everything.