setting boundaries
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 31
setting boundaries
as I have posted before, my husband is actively relapsing and is not staying at home. I am not sure if he will want to come home if he gets into recovery again, but lets just pretend that he does. The reason I feel this may happen is because this our pattern- make up to break up, with or without the drugs. He threatens to leave or does leave several times a year. It was something we were working on in marriage counseling.
Anyhow, I want that cycle to stop. I need it to stop. My son needs it to stop. I know this means I have to set some kind of boundary but I don't know how. The only boundary I can think of is to get a divorce. I'm not sure I want that though. I know there has to be other ways I can identify and set boundaries that I can follow through with that will help me get out of this cycle with him. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. SOrry if is doesn't.
Anyhow, I want that cycle to stop. I need it to stop. My son needs it to stop. I know this means I have to set some kind of boundary but I don't know how. The only boundary I can think of is to get a divorce. I'm not sure I want that though. I know there has to be other ways I can identify and set boundaries that I can follow through with that will help me get out of this cycle with him. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. SOrry if is doesn't.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It makes sense to me. 
So his pattern is, with and without drugs, several times a year of leaving, and then you let him come back.
Personally I think marriage counseling is a waste when the addiction hasn't been addressed, and the addicted spouse has no recovery.
My boundary with my 32-year-old addicted daughter is she is not welcome in my home (and I refer simply to visiting, not living with me) until she has 2 years of solid recovery under her belt.
That may sound harsh to some.
However, my boundary is based on the past 17 years of her lying, manipulating, stealing, drugging, drinking, forging, disrespecting, raging, and dragging mayhem right beside her.
My suggestion, based on what you have posted so far is to put the marriage counseling aside, and look at the biggest fire in the forest right now...his addiction.
"I won't even consider more marriage counseling till you have been in solid recovery for X amount of time."
"I won't even consider letting you move back in until you have been in solid recovery for X amount of time, and the issue of you running off when you feel like it is addressed and resolved in marriage counseling."
This has been difficult for you. Imagine how your son feels with dad in and out and in and out of the residence, never mind the fighting and addiction.
Kids are like sponges and they soak up every ugly emotion that is floating around from all parties involved when a parent is in active addiction.
They internalize that.
My sponsor told me early on that he could gauge where I was at emotionally just by watching my children.
When I was off center emotionally, my kids were off the wall in their behavior.
They don't know how to process the emotions they pick up from the parent, so they act out, especially younger children.
When I was solid in my own recovery, had a good conscious contact with God, my kids were okay too.
He's not the stable parent obviously, for more reasons than one.
You are the only voice your son has.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. Give your son stability in his life.
:ghug3
So his pattern is, with and without drugs, several times a year of leaving, and then you let him come back.
Personally I think marriage counseling is a waste when the addiction hasn't been addressed, and the addicted spouse has no recovery.
My boundary with my 32-year-old addicted daughter is she is not welcome in my home (and I refer simply to visiting, not living with me) until she has 2 years of solid recovery under her belt.
That may sound harsh to some.
However, my boundary is based on the past 17 years of her lying, manipulating, stealing, drugging, drinking, forging, disrespecting, raging, and dragging mayhem right beside her.
My suggestion, based on what you have posted so far is to put the marriage counseling aside, and look at the biggest fire in the forest right now...his addiction.
"I won't even consider more marriage counseling till you have been in solid recovery for X amount of time."
"I won't even consider letting you move back in until you have been in solid recovery for X amount of time, and the issue of you running off when you feel like it is addressed and resolved in marriage counseling."
This has been difficult for you. Imagine how your son feels with dad in and out and in and out of the residence, never mind the fighting and addiction.
Kids are like sponges and they soak up every ugly emotion that is floating around from all parties involved when a parent is in active addiction.
They internalize that.
My sponsor told me early on that he could gauge where I was at emotionally just by watching my children.
When I was off center emotionally, my kids were off the wall in their behavior.
They don't know how to process the emotions they pick up from the parent, so they act out, especially younger children.
When I was solid in my own recovery, had a good conscious contact with God, my kids were okay too.
He's not the stable parent obviously, for more reasons than one.
You are the only voice your son has.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. Give your son stability in his life.
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 31
thanks Freedom. Our son is 2 so fortunately he hasn't had to experience this too much. Which is my primary motivation for wanting this to stop now. He had 14 months sober until 3 weeks ago and was very active in his recovery, which is why we started the marriage counseling.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Careful with that all or nothing thinking. Meaning, there is lots you CAN do in the meantime that has nothing to do with whether or not he get well at this point. You can't control that aspect.
Start with boundaries that are feasible today. I understand the need to figure out a situation with a spouse, esp one on drugs. But the more planning you put into this, the better outcome for your son. You will feel like you are making progress and he will see a mom who is calm and getting things in order without overwhelming herself. One day at a time
If you don't want to end the marriage then separation either informal or legal may be a better alternative. Simply asking him to stay somewhere else until the situation calms down and/or he get help. That is a fair boundary to set and one that deals with the present situation. Once that calms down then you can focus on what you need to do going forward.
Start with boundaries that are feasible today. I understand the need to figure out a situation with a spouse, esp one on drugs. But the more planning you put into this, the better outcome for your son. You will feel like you are making progress and he will see a mom who is calm and getting things in order without overwhelming herself. One day at a time
If you don't want to end the marriage then separation either informal or legal may be a better alternative. Simply asking him to stay somewhere else until the situation calms down and/or he get help. That is a fair boundary to set and one that deals with the present situation. Once that calms down then you can focus on what you need to do going forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 31
anvil- I agree with you that his recovery had been in trouble for a while before. I just meant he actually started relapsing 3 weeks ago. Everything that you said about what led to your relapse is things he's told me in the last 3 weeks. That he was doing it for everyone but himself at that point. I think he really started to struggle a little before his 1 year birthday and would periodically pull it back together (all without actually relapsing).
I agree that I have participated in this cycle, I'm just looking for a way to start my way out of the cycle in a way that I can follow through with.
I agree that I have participated in this cycle, I'm just looking for a way to start my way out of the cycle in a way that I can follow through with.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I'm opting for a legal separation - personally not ready for divorce. But the closer it gets, the more it seems I will face whatever comes of this.
I lost my barometer as Anvil talks about - if I ever had one. So my only option is court. Nothing else from me would be respected by him at this point. You are on the right track realizing you need a plan for boundaries. For me, the hardest part has always been sticking to them.
Freedom!!! When I was off center emotionally, my kids were off the wall in their behavior. Thanks so much for sharing this! I have noticed my kids just bouncing off the walls at times and feeling out of control when it happens. Guess I was out of control emotionally! This makes so much sense to me now...yet didn't even dawn on me when it happened. Will definitely keep this in mind going forward. I hope if I can keep my emotions in check, their behavior will be in check :-)
I lost my barometer as Anvil talks about - if I ever had one. So my only option is court. Nothing else from me would be respected by him at this point. You are on the right track realizing you need a plan for boundaries. For me, the hardest part has always been sticking to them.
Freedom!!! When I was off center emotionally, my kids were off the wall in their behavior. Thanks so much for sharing this! I have noticed my kids just bouncing off the walls at times and feeling out of control when it happens. Guess I was out of control emotionally! This makes so much sense to me now...yet didn't even dawn on me when it happened. Will definitely keep this in mind going forward. I hope if I can keep my emotions in check, their behavior will be in check :-)
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When you're right in the middle of the storm, it's really hard to get your balance.....much less keep it.
Baby steps. Nothing has to happen in great leaps. You can't control him (as you already know) but you can begin making small changes in yourself. Sometimes those small changes can have great impact. Personally, I can't get too many things going on in my brain all at the same time or they become scrambled. So I have had to take baby steps. I found once I was "well trained" in one behavior change (in myself) I could move on to the next behavior or set another boundary. Eventually, as I got better at recognizing these behaviors or seeing when the boundaries were being crossed, I have been to stop it and get things back on track quickly.
Take care of youself and that little one.
gentle hugs
Baby steps. Nothing has to happen in great leaps. You can't control him (as you already know) but you can begin making small changes in yourself. Sometimes those small changes can have great impact. Personally, I can't get too many things going on in my brain all at the same time or they become scrambled. So I have had to take baby steps. I found once I was "well trained" in one behavior change (in myself) I could move on to the next behavior or set another boundary. Eventually, as I got better at recognizing these behaviors or seeing when the boundaries were being crossed, I have been to stop it and get things back on track quickly.
Take care of youself and that little one.
gentle hugs
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