not sure how to help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: tx
Posts: 2
not sure how to help
So i'm not really sure how to explain the situation. I've been hanging out with this guy on and off for about a year now nothing serious although i wanted it to be. I knew he did drugs but never to what extent mainly bc we never talked about it. I care about him a lot but when he told me he was going to rehab it was very sudden and i didnt know what to do. I never found out wht happened that made him realize he needed help but i'm proud if him for getting it. He recently got out and when he did he said he would see me but that didnt happen i decided to tell him that i care about him a lot no matter what has happend, i want him to know that i'm here for him and that he can tlk to me when hes ready. The thing is though that i'm the kind of person who wants to be there helping the people she cares about when they need help and its been hard giving him his space so he can sort himself out. I've been reading some of the stuff on here to try and ger a better understanding and honestly i'm a little scared. I thinknwhat if he doesnt want to be with me anymore or what if he's found someone else. I know those arent healthy ways of thinking but sometimes they creep in.
I guess i just want some advice see if i'm really doing the right thing. Like i said i care about him a lot and sometimes he feels like he doesnt deserve it but i'm a forgiving person who accepts people for their faults because i know i have a few of my own so why wouldnt i accept him.i've also been having trouble with some of my friends who think i'm wasting my time even wanting to be there for him as just a friend. This is all confusing and i've never had to deal with it before. Just want to know if i'm doing the right thing.
I guess i just want some advice see if i'm really doing the right thing. Like i said i care about him a lot and sometimes he feels like he doesnt deserve it but i'm a forgiving person who accepts people for their faults because i know i have a few of my own so why wouldnt i accept him.i've also been having trouble with some of my friends who think i'm wasting my time even wanting to be there for him as just a friend. This is all confusing and i've never had to deal with it before. Just want to know if i'm doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Want, and welcome to SR. 
Do you think there might be some validity to what your friends are telling you?
I had a broken man-picker for a long time. As a matter of fact, I went into my second marriage knowing full well he drank and used drugs.
I chose to ignore the red flags. Why is that?
I did that with many relationships over the years.
I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic myself, and I relapsed after four years clean/sober after getting involved in a relationship that was not healthy for me.
I was clean/sober 9 years the second time around when I finally hit a codependent bottom after my fiancée walked out on me.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people, but I always did it at the risk of my own well-being.
I was the 'fixer.'
No more for this old gal.
I suggest you get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Take a look at why you were willing to be involved to any extent with someone who was doing drugs.
My bar of standards was entirely too low for too long.
Again, welcome to SR, and I hope you continue to post.
Do you think there might be some validity to what your friends are telling you?
I had a broken man-picker for a long time. As a matter of fact, I went into my second marriage knowing full well he drank and used drugs.
I chose to ignore the red flags. Why is that?
I did that with many relationships over the years.
I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic myself, and I relapsed after four years clean/sober after getting involved in a relationship that was not healthy for me.
I was clean/sober 9 years the second time around when I finally hit a codependent bottom after my fiancée walked out on me.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to help people, but I always did it at the risk of my own well-being.
I was the 'fixer.'
No more for this old gal.
I suggest you get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Take a look at why you were willing to be involved to any extent with someone who was doing drugs.
My bar of standards was entirely too low for too long.
Again, welcome to SR, and I hope you continue to post.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
want2help,
first of all, WELCOME to sober recovery. i hope you find in this forum the support and guidance you seek. and need. yeah, because let's face it: we can get pretty obsessed with the loved ones in our lives, and we can get sick with it.
your body and soul need many things. like a person who doesn't eat will not function, because their basic needs aren't being met, so too do we get unable to properly function, when we spend so much time and energy thinking about, wondering about, and just focusing on another person.
please continue coming to this board. and post as often as you'd like.
i believe a lot of your questioning will start to settle down, and you will become an emotionally healthier person.
first of all, WELCOME to sober recovery. i hope you find in this forum the support and guidance you seek. and need. yeah, because let's face it: we can get pretty obsessed with the loved ones in our lives, and we can get sick with it.
your body and soul need many things. like a person who doesn't eat will not function, because their basic needs aren't being met, so too do we get unable to properly function, when we spend so much time and energy thinking about, wondering about, and just focusing on another person.
please continue coming to this board. and post as often as you'd like.
i believe a lot of your questioning will start to settle down, and you will become an emotionally healthier person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hi wanttohelp,
I can relate to your post because I also want to be there for people I care about. But I honestly did not know what I was doing when became involved with someone with addiction issues. If he is working staying clean then there isn't anything you can do but respect where he is. They really don't have much to give. Recovery is hard work and you will always come second. Then there is the issue of relapse, etc. It is a really REALLY painful journey to go on with someone you care about because your needs get put aside. Is that really what you want?
Yes we all have faults and compassion is great but not at a cost to not getting your needs met, or worse still, trampled on. Even the kindest, sweetest person going through recovery can do this and it is no fun.
And becoming 'serious' in a relationship in the midst of someones recovery is an exercise in patience and understanding and downright crazymaking. Where he is now, he will NOT be able to give back, not for a lonnng time. This is all just food for thought. Words from people who have been there
I can kind of see where this may be headed because my relationship with the RABF started out sort of similar, fun and lite and then before I knew it I was sucked into the drama and chaos that is life of addiction/recovery. Treat yourself well, trust your gut and pull back until you sort your feelings out would be my advice
I can relate to your post because I also want to be there for people I care about. But I honestly did not know what I was doing when became involved with someone with addiction issues. If he is working staying clean then there isn't anything you can do but respect where he is. They really don't have much to give. Recovery is hard work and you will always come second. Then there is the issue of relapse, etc. It is a really REALLY painful journey to go on with someone you care about because your needs get put aside. Is that really what you want?
Yes we all have faults and compassion is great but not at a cost to not getting your needs met, or worse still, trampled on. Even the kindest, sweetest person going through recovery can do this and it is no fun.
And becoming 'serious' in a relationship in the midst of someones recovery is an exercise in patience and understanding and downright crazymaking. Where he is now, he will NOT be able to give back, not for a lonnng time. This is all just food for thought. Words from people who have been there
I can kind of see where this may be headed because my relationship with the RABF started out sort of similar, fun and lite and then before I knew it I was sucked into the drama and chaos that is life of addiction/recovery. Treat yourself well, trust your gut and pull back until you sort your feelings out would be my advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: tx
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your replies me and him have talked and he made it clear that right now he does need time to sort himself out and i told him that i fully respect that. A lot of my questions have been answered and i would like y'all to know i'm not pursukng anything with him right now. I just wanted to be a friend that would be around that wasnt into the whole scene. Especially since he seems serious about it. It's all just so much,you know. We aren't speaking now which i will admit is a little difficult but i have come to understand it and realize that there are a lot of things i need to work on myself before i can even offer friendship to him. Like i said before thanks! Finding this site has been very helpful and educational and is helping me figure out where he's coming from as some one who is newly out of rehab
me and him have talked and he made it clear that right now he does need time to sort himself out and i told him that i fully respect that. A lot of my questions have been answered and i would like y'all to know i'm not pursukng anything with him right now. I just wanted to be a friend that would be around that wasnt into the whole scene. Especially since he seems serious about it. It's all just so much,you know. We aren't speaking now which i will admit is a little difficult but i have come to understand it and realize that there are a lot of things i need to work on myself before i can even offer friendship to him. Like i said before thanks! Finding this site has been very helpful and educational and is helping me figure out where he's coming from as some one who is newly out of rehab Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by wanttohelp21 
Especially since he seems serious about it. It's all just so much,you know. We aren't speaking now which i will admit is a little difficult but i have come to understand it and realize that there are a lot of things i need to work on myself before i can even offer friendship to him
I will tell you that the first year of recovery was so very difficult for me, and I made a lot of meetings and stayed busy with recovery-related stuff.
I'm glad you found us, and I hope you continue to keep us updated on how you are doing, okay?
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