mamaangelique

I have had no contact with my husband in over 24 hours. He is actively relapsing after 14 months sober. He will not tell me where he is staying and isn't talking to me for the most part. He posted a video on facebook today of a guy rapping about how his "baby momma" is mad that he doesn't want to be with her anymore so she uses his son as a barganing chip. It made me furious and it took everything I had not to lash out at him on facebook and through text. That is NOT what this situation is whatsoever.

My son only asked for him once today which is even sadder because it's like he's already used to him being gone. He is 2 and loves his daddy so much. It hurts like hell and I am so scared that he won't know his daddy.

My husband called his father today (which is unusual, he never calls him when he's messing up because he doesn't want to deal with the shame and guilt of knowing that he's let him down). He told his dad he relapsed but that he was going to get back into meetings and was by himself getting his head straight. His dad told him he needed to call me and tell me he was ok because I was worried. He asked his dad to let me know. wtf, you can't even call to talk to your son on a holiday? He told his dad that he was unplugging his phone so that people wouldn't be able to call him while he's trying to get his **** back together. I have fought the urge all day to get online and check the phone records, but I'd be willing to bet money that didn't happen. I'd be willing to bet there is phone activity all over the place.

I am fighting the urge to call or text him. I miss him, I'm worried about him and I just want this to be over. I don't know what to do other than try to get through the day. I'm in so much pain and the person I want to comfort me is the one contributing to it.

johndelko408

Whatever he is doing you can't control it. There's three things to remember I'm sure your familiar to them, the 3 c's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control him and you can't Cure him. It is very sad that he can just abandon his son like that, every child needs their mother and father in their lives. Stay strong for your little one, he needs you more than ever. If dad doesn't wise up and get his act together, then you'll be the only one he has left. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your son. It really brings pain to my heart when I hear about things like this. I myself have always been there for my little ones physically, but when I was drinking and using I wasn't there emotionally or mentally. I was more or less an empty shell of a man. My kids are my reason for my sobriety and I truly hope your husband will see the light and get his **** together, for his son and you.

Lunaaa

I'm so sorry for your pain,i'm not very good with words ,but i hope he starts to get serious help and sober up for his son.take good care of you .

Kindeyes

I am so sorry that your husband has relapsed after such a long stretch of sobriety. It sounds like it really took you by surprise and pulled the rug right out from under you. I'm so sorry for your pain and anxiety and worry. Those are such awful feelings.

The "r" word is a pretty scary word around here. Because often they aren't the only ones who relapse......we "relapse" right along with them. We begin awfulizing, worrying, and wanting desperately to get them to stop.

During the rough times with the A in my life, I usually find that I have to really focus on my own recovery. I can't control him. So I will pick up a book that I have read on co-dependence (Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good one to pick up when I need a reminder), I make sure I make my Naranon meetings, I exercise, and I hang out here on SR.

One of the primary purposes of Alanon or Naranon is to help us find and keep our serenity whether the alcoholic/addict is using or not. If we don't maintain our own sanity and serenity, we go down the path of self destruction right along with them.

Take care of yourself.....you are the sole responsible parent for your little one right now so keeping yourself healthy and in a stable frame of mind is important. Your husband knows what he needs to do to get back to sobriety....he has the tools. He just needs to use them....and only he can decide if he's going to do that. Nothing you say or do will affect him or change him. The healthiest thing (and the one that gives him the best chance at getting back to sobriety) is to take care of you and that little one.

Keep posting here. Read the stickies and other posts. Learn all you can and prepare yourself. The more we know about how to keep ourselves healthy, the better we weather these storms.

gentle hugs

mamaangelique

he came home today and packed some things and we talked a little. He saw our son. He said he was sober today and planned to get back in the program but needed to move out until he could get himself together and figure out if he even wanted this marriage when he was sober. It hurt like hell and it pissed me off, but I let him go.
I called him just now and he admitted he's been drinking. I lost it. I just keep thinking about that innocent baby in there and I loose it. I feel so stupid for even having a child with this man. So he can be a statisic? Born to an addict who isn't in his life. Way to go me. I asked him what if he dies this time before he gets sober again and his response was "then that's how it's supposed to be" WTF??? You have a child who adores you, how can you even think that. I feel like such a failure for my child.

mamaangelique

also, I told him he couldn't stay here unless he's sober. Was that wrong, I mean because this is his house too and I know some people would say that if he's going to get clean that he would need a stable place/

dollydo

Being sober and being in recovery are two different things. My exabf could stop drinking for a week or so, however, he was never in recovery.

If he wants to recover he will take the steps to do so, he will get plently of support at his meetings .

The core of alcholism dictates instablility, he has been with you in a stable enviorment, and it didn't make a bit of a difference, did it?

Let him find his own way, he is an adult. Focus on your child, that must be your priorty.

See if you can go no contact, it serves no purpose to talk to him.

Freedom1990

I truly believe that our children are not ours. They are a gift from God, and we have the responsibility of loving them and raising them to the best of our ability.

I've been through that whole thing with beating myself up over the choice I made when I got involved with my 22-year-old's father.

He was an absentee parent 99 9/10% of her life, and he's been sober over 33 years now.

She's not a statistic; she's my daughter and a gift from God.

When I watch her riding one of her horses, it takes my breath away.

She discovered a gift she has early in life, and is now an avid horse woman.

She was accepted into an equine drill team earlier this year, and they perform at rodeos and parades.





I must have done something right in raising her.

That precious son of yours needs one sane and emotionally present parent to guide him through life. His dad isn't it.

I know it feels like the end of the world to you, but it isn't.

:ghug3

fourmaggie

@Freedom, *tears running down my checks* we learn our misstakes...and thank god, the little ones dont suffer, I am one out of the norm too....trying my best every single day...and they are my prize gifts from above...they make my soul sing!!

tam

Im so sorry your going through this, I know how painful it is for you. however, I believe its best to step back and not focus on him right now. he
knows what he has to do. I know its painful, we worry about them and
I can truly say I too felt and still feel like I failed. But we didnt fail. its the drug the drug took them from us. I too believe they keep their distance because they cant face us and they know that what they are doing is hurting us. Try to keep busy, be there for your son and really really try to go no contact. I learned to do that, it took time but it is the best for all of you right now.
I hope he goes through recovery, but for now take care of you and your son.
hugs!!

Babyblue

Take some deeeeeep breaths. You have every right to feel scared and anxious but your little one will pick up on it. Take it day by day, there is no reason to think about so much all at once. You are overwhelmed naturally but step back and take it moment by moment if you have to. Don't let Hubby's stupid decisions get the better of you. Your little guy needs a mama who is calm and centered I know it may feel like things are falling apart but you are ok, your baby is ok, those are the most important things !

mamaangelique

thanks for the support everyone. I tend to get very anxious and start playing the "what if" game and it always involves the worst case scenario. He almost lost his job today because of everything and they have decided to give him 1 more chance. He doesn't appear to be any closer to getting back in recovery so I'm not overly optimistic. If he loses his job, he will most likely return to selling drugs to support himself and I refuse to accept any of that money to help with daycare. Without any financial support from him, even cutting all my bills back to the bare minimum I am in the negative every month.
On paper I make "too much" to qualify for any assistance.
My son was horrible today and while he sometimes has days like that, I can't help but wonder if it's because his dad is gone.

chicory

You know , mamaangelique,
sometimes the little ones pick up on our anxiety, and act out. he was probably trying to get his mama's attention, since you are probably worried, and understandably so. His way of taking care of mama.
let go for now, especially. hubby needs to know that you are not g oing to accept his drug/drinking lifestyle. he needs to focus on the facts- not argue about what he is doing. he knows what he is doing wrong. the fact he called his dad, tells me that he knows and maybe wants you to know that he knows that he needs to get a grip. get back in recovery. perhaps he is trying to avoid arguments, which might push him in the wrong direction. when we get mad, we do things we would not normally do. maybe he is trying to get his head clear and calm. I pray that he will . 17 months of sobriety would have to mean something to him. he must have liked it a little bit, hey?
hang in there, be happy for your beautiful son. he needs to feel safe, and secure, and you are his rock right now, when dad cannot be.
you , your sweet baby boy, and hubby are in my prayers .

hugs,
chicory