mamaangelique

I was praying I wouldn't need to come here, but here I am. My husband has relapsed on pills after 14 months sober. Before that he did rehab twice and lived in an oxford house (and relapsed repeatedly there). But during his last stay in rehab it seemed like he really got it. He dove head first into his NA group and became a very active member. He was asked to chair a meeting as soon as he hit 6 months clean. Took on sponsees, got 3 promotions at work, just a lot of great things happened for him and for us over that 14 months. We have been in marriage counseling for about 6 months because we have a lot of other problems and we had been making a lot of progress. 3 weeks ago he relapsed and said he was going to get back into recovery. He hasn't, he couldn't give me a sobriety date (red flag he was soo proud of his old birthday) and he wasn't going to meetings. He hasn't been home since Sunday and is barely speaking to me. When he does, it's through text or it's on the phone but he's mean and hurtful and is blaming me for our relationship being so messed up and saying things like "even if I was sober I wouldn't want to be with you" yet when I asked him point blank if he wanted a divorce he just kept saying "I don't want to live with you." Because he wants to have me here to pick up the pieces, like I always do. He hasn't seen our 2 year old son since sunday either and when my son asks for his daddy it about kills me.

We have a pattern (even when he was sober) that we fight, he leaves or threatens to leave and then we make up. I always take him back. Always. I want him back even now, but in recovery. I attend alanon but I'm not working with a sponser like I should because there just isn't anyone in my group that I want to ask, but I do feel really comfortable in the group.

I feel so lost and hopeless. He is such a good man when he's sober but he just chooses to self sabatoge. I know I need to stand firm this time when he wants to come home, but how do I do that, when all I really want is my husband and my son's father back? He is the type that if I try to set a boundary, he will do the exact opposite to prove that he's not going to back down. Even if he didn't want to do it, he would just to try to regain the upper hand. So I don't believe that me saying to him "you can't come home until you've done x,y,z" would work. He'd just say ok screw you and use it as the reason we aren't together.

I haven't told my dad yet because we've been through this so many times and my dad can be very judgemental. But I know he loves my husband and I hate lying to him when he calls and wants to know how my husband is and can he come to dinner and so on. He was so proud of my husband in his sobriety.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm just really lost and confused. Thanks for listening.

dollydo

Welcome, so sorry that you are having to face this.

I am one of those people who believe that there is no rush to letting someone back in my life. I like to sit back and observe ones actions.

For today, he has said that he cannot live with you. If it were me, I'd go no contact as see what happens. Sometimes, it best to just do nothing.

Your relationship is toxic, lots of drama, do you really want to live the rest of your life in this turmoil, and, more important do you really think it is fair to your child? They hear and see everything!

mamaangelique

I think what's so hard is that I saw who he was in recovery and yes he still had things he needed to work on in the context of our relationship, but he was such a different person. I also got a glimpse of what our relationship could be like if we stayed on the right path.

I want to set a boundary this time. I need to set a boundary this time, or this cycle will never stop. Not even just the drugs, but the cycle of make-up to break-up. What I don't know is what boundary to set, or how to stay firm when he rebels against it (because he will).

ANGELINA243

Welcome! Glad you are here. This is a great place to find support. Since you mentioned that you are already attending Alanon, you should already have heard that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--your husband's addiction. You can set up healthy boundaries for yourself and your son. As an addict in recovery--and active NA member, I will say that if he is using--then the drugs are first--as far as he is concerned. Right now--your child and yourself should be your number one priority. There will be others here to offer support. You are not alone. One thing I would suggest (which can be taken or left alone) is that I wouldn't lie for him. No more making excuses to cover up his addictive behavior. If he wants to lie to other people--that is his business, but you shouldn't feel pressured to be dishonest with yourself or anyone else. Keep posting and reaching out. We do recover.

johndelko408

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I'm even more sorry that he could just abandon his son like that. I'm in recovery and I'm a father of two and those two bundles of joy are absolutely everything to me. I haven't seen my little ones for going on three weeks and I'm going stir crazy over it. I get to see them tomorrow but after that I don't know when I'll see them again. It really pains me to see how one could neglect their children like that. I guess it reminds me too much of myself when I was actively drinking and using, I also neglected my son at that time. I couldn't imagine going back to those days, ever. I love my kids too much and I know without sobriety I couldn't be there for them. I hope all works out for you guys. It's not fair to your son, every child needs their mom and dad in their lives. God bless you and your baby boy.

Freedom1990

A boundary is for you, not him, hon.

I have a 32-year-old AD who is no longer welcome in my home.

My boundaries with her are I will not accept unacceptable behavior. I will not accept active addiction in my home. I will not accept lying, manipulation, and disrespect.

Therefore she is not welcome in my home because she continues to live in her active addictions.

Your husband is a grown man. He's got the tools for recovery, and has made the choice to use again.

You don't need to give him specifics on what he needs to do.

Set your boundaries for you, what you will not accept in your home and your life at this time.

He can figure the rest out himself.

I strongly urge you to get a sponsor in Alanon and start working those steps.

I'm sorry for your pain. My EXAH went right back to shooting dope and drinking whiskey the day he got out of rehab.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends.

mamaangelique

thanks for the support guys.