Lost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 105
Lost.
My exab showed at my door yesterday. he begged and cried i dont leave him and said he'd kill himself if i do. he looked horrible and was litteraly begging me to give him one more chance promising he'd make it all up to me and will never slap me again. he said he loves me and want no one else but me. and that he wants to be sober but needs me to stay by his side.
I told him to leave and said i dont want him back ,finally he left. why do i feel so bad? i dont even know if i'm doing the right thing . i know i'm not ready for more pain and suffering being around him but it still feels bad and i still feel awful for treating him the way i did. i feel terrible for being cruel to him and not showing him my real feelings or my love. i feel so confused because i force myself to treat him as enemy while in my heart he is the man i love.
please everyone dont get me wrong i'm not going back to him or even thinking about it,i just need to share my sick thoughts.
I told him to leave and said i dont want him back ,finally he left. why do i feel so bad? i dont even know if i'm doing the right thing . i know i'm not ready for more pain and suffering being around him but it still feels bad and i still feel awful for treating him the way i did. i feel terrible for being cruel to him and not showing him my real feelings or my love. i feel so confused because i force myself to treat him as enemy while in my heart he is the man i love.
please everyone dont get me wrong i'm not going back to him or even thinking about it,i just need to share my sick thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Lunaa,
You feel bad because you are a compassionate person and hate to see people suffering. I can relate to this very much. I just know that if these men really loved us so much as they claim then they would be on their knees in rehab doing what ever in takes to get better and then seriously work a program in order to stay better! But they dont....why beacause they dont really love us, they are only thinking about their wants and needs...not ours!!! I know its hard to be tough, you feel selfish! Its OK to take care of yourself and protect yourself from abuse. Since he is not getting help all by himself like a big boy then you will undoubtedly find yourself in the same situation after the crying, hugging and false promises fade away (and they always do) You are stronger than you think!!
You feel bad because you are a compassionate person and hate to see people suffering. I can relate to this very much. I just know that if these men really loved us so much as they claim then they would be on their knees in rehab doing what ever in takes to get better and then seriously work a program in order to stay better! But they dont....why beacause they dont really love us, they are only thinking about their wants and needs...not ours!!! I know its hard to be tough, you feel selfish! Its OK to take care of yourself and protect yourself from abuse. Since he is not getting help all by himself like a big boy then you will undoubtedly find yourself in the same situation after the crying, hugging and false promises fade away (and they always do) You are stronger than you think!!
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Lunaaa, just listen carefully to what you are saying. YOU are feeling that you are cruel because you don't want to take a man back that hit you? Who is the cruel one here? I understand exactly how you feel, but try and get some perpective. He beats you. He insults you. He treats you badly. Now he comes and says he will never do it again (which I can promise you from the bottom of my heart is a lie) and you feel bad for refusing his offer?
I am so proud of you for showing him the door. Your true strength is showing.
I am so proud of you for showing him the door. Your true strength is showing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Luna,
You took care of you today, and I am so proud of you, too.
it is not easy to "say what we really feel" sometimes, but you did.
your actions said "no, this is not the way I will be living anymore".
good for you!
those yukky feelings will fade.
hugs,chicory
You took care of you today, and I am so proud of you, too.
it is not easy to "say what we really feel" sometimes, but you did.
your actions said "no, this is not the way I will be living anymore".
good for you!
those yukky feelings will fade.
hugs,chicory
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You did just fine, he, like all who are in throws of active addiction, will say anything to get what they want. And, they are masters at turning on the tears.
Actions, not words, that is the key.
Actions, not words, that is the key.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are sad because it hurts so much to see people we love destroy themselves. And sadly, no matter what we do or don't do, we can't save them.
You are right to put space between yourself and anyone who hits you. That's just the safe and healthy thing to do, especially since abuse is cyclical with the "remorse" stage being the one to get themselves back before they repeat the process.
He needs help, all our active addicts need help and they know where it is when they are ready. And they also know that "we"are not the solution.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Hugs
You are right to put space between yourself and anyone who hits you. That's just the safe and healthy thing to do, especially since abuse is cyclical with the "remorse" stage being the one to get themselves back before they repeat the process.
He needs help, all our active addicts need help and they know where it is when they are ready. And they also know that "we"are not the solution.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Lunaa
I hope this gives you a totally different perspective of what you had to do for yourself today. It was the MOST unselfish act you could have done. Even though it hurt you to do it, it was the MOST loving thing you could have done. Compassion does not mean that we relinquish our lives or feelings to another.
I understand that icky feeling. It's really awful. With suicide threats and knowing that it's cold and they have no place else to go........I have done the same thing with my son. If your guy was my son, I would thank you for what you did. Because doing so would give him the best chance at getting himself clean and sober. I would get on my knees and THANK YOU for taking care of yourself and not allowing his disease to manipulate you.
He is a man. He is fully capable of taking care of himself. He is able to get himself into rehab if he really really wants it.
Our son told us that letting him feel the consequences of his actions and not giving him refuge was the best thing we could have done for him. It woke him up. Your kind and loving action will give him the best chance to beat his addiction. AND, most importantly, it was the most kind and loving thing you could do for yourself.
I know it hurts but you did a good thing.....for him and for YOU!!
gentle hugs
I hope this gives you a totally different perspective of what you had to do for yourself today. It was the MOST unselfish act you could have done. Even though it hurt you to do it, it was the MOST loving thing you could have done. Compassion does not mean that we relinquish our lives or feelings to another.
I understand that icky feeling. It's really awful. With suicide threats and knowing that it's cold and they have no place else to go........I have done the same thing with my son. If your guy was my son, I would thank you for what you did. Because doing so would give him the best chance at getting himself clean and sober. I would get on my knees and THANK YOU for taking care of yourself and not allowing his disease to manipulate you.
He is a man. He is fully capable of taking care of himself. He is able to get himself into rehab if he really really wants it.
Our son told us that letting him feel the consequences of his actions and not giving him refuge was the best thing we could have done for him. It woke him up. Your kind and loving action will give him the best chance to beat his addiction. AND, most importantly, it was the most kind and loving thing you could do for yourself.
I know it hurts but you did a good thing.....for him and for YOU!!
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
lunaaa-
i understand how hard that was for you to do and that you may be feeling bad, but WOW!!!! good for you. you did something that took incredible strength to do. i know i am not there yet, but your act is inspiring.
i understand how hard that was for you to do and that you may be feeling bad, but WOW!!!! good for you. you did something that took incredible strength to do. i know i am not there yet, but your act is inspiring.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 105
You guys are right,it's about actions not words and until now all he is offering is just words . He said he had been sober for 2 days but i'm not sure if that is true because he seems to be the same self centered manipulative person he is when he is using. All he cares about is having me back but he hadnt done a single thing to achieve it. He is saying the same words...no one loves me ...everyone is so angry with me...i so hate myself...you are the only hope i have... you have to be with me so that i can have hope and quit....i'm a new person now because i realised the past days how much i love you and how close i am of closing you!!!
I'm thinking to myself now if he is a new person as he claims he'de be thinking about how to change his life to be able to make it up to me rather than just having me back..right?
I'm thinking to myself now if he is a new person as he claims he'de be thinking about how to change his life to be able to make it up to me rather than just having me back..right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 11
You did the right thing babe. Everyone has basically got it right, someone who loves you - truly loves you - would show it.
He would get his ass into rehab and he would do whatever it takes to get better, but he didn't.
Don't be sad or afraid, because what you did was 100% necessary for YOU.
All my love x
He would get his ass into rehab and he would do whatever it takes to get better, but he didn't.
Don't be sad or afraid, because what you did was 100% necessary for YOU.
All my love x
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