My sister is trying to cut me off from my parents

Old 11-23-2010, 02:14 PM
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My sister is trying to cut me off from my parents

I visit my parents about once every two weeks for lunch or dinner and to catch up. My sister lives with them (it's our old family house). She's the one I posted about earlier who is unemployed, into cocaine and is currently pregnant with her abusive druggie boyfriend's baby (and is trying to keep it a secret from everyone besides my mom). So I went over for lunch today to catch up with my mom since she invited me. I was there for about an hour when my sister comes out of her room and calls to my mom to go upstairs to go talk to her. It was my dad's birthday last week and I decided to leave his birthday card in his room since he was at work and I hadn't seen him yet. I caught the tail end of my mom and sister's conversation which was basically her telling my mom she wanted me to leave and would be pissed if I stayed around the house all afternoon. My mom was basically reassuring her that I was indeed leaving soon since she was going to work anyway. So I got upset and called her out. My mom told me not to take it personally and tried to spin it like my sister was intimidated by me and "the changes going on in her body". So I asked point blank, is she pregnant. My mom was like, "I don't even know what to say, but don't ask her that." So basically she is and no one is allowed to talk about it.

So I'm pissed that my sister thinks she has the right to tell my parents to tell me when and for how long I can visit when it's not her house and she's living there for free. And I'm pissed at my mom for not telling my sister she has no right to tell me when I can visit and for how long I can stay over for. It isn't my fault that she got pregnant so why should I have to be limited on when I can come over just because she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to know? Those were the consequences of your behavior, now deal with it. The world doesn't revolve around you.

So now I'm debating whether or not to go home for Thanksgiving. I spent the majority of the car ride back to my place crying about this. She is such a manipulative person and my mom just goes along with it. I'm sure my sister doesn't want me over for Thanksgiving. I would feel a bit unwelcome. Ugh. I don't want the drama, but I also would like to see my parents. And I wish they would stop taking all of her crap too. Who the hell made her in charge?
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:21 PM
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Can you phone your mom and tell her flat out that you don't feel welcomed or comfortable and are conflicted as to what to do about it?
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:25 PM
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Your sister can't cut you off from your parents unless you allow her to. Not going over for Thanksgiving would be giving your sister exactly what she wants. If you want to spend Thanksgiving with your parents, then go. It's not up to your sister whether or not you see your parents. She'll just have to deal with it.
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:33 PM
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Ann
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Take a deep breath, girl, you addict sister is probably not feeling very good about herself right now and demanding attention out of fear.

Your mom is caught in the middle, and that's a nasty place to be. She loves you and is probably just trying to keep the peace as best she can. She too has a full plate dealing with your sister's addiction.

Quite likely, what transpired today wasn't really about you at all. You just happened to be there and catch the drama. And believe me, when an addict is in the house there is no shortage of drama.

I know when I get angry about stuff like this, I find trying to turn my anger into compassion helps me see things from a better perspective.

If you would enjoy Thanksgiving with your family, go. Maybe try your recovery "detachment" out and don't get drawn into the drama while you are there.

Hugs
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:49 PM
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Sounds like your mother is having trouble wrapping her head around the whole issue, and, because your sister is pregnant and living at home, she is the focus and priorty for now.

Have you thought about meeting your parents somewhere for a visit, or inviting them to your place for dinner or lunch?

As for Thanksgiving, if you are not comfortable I would pass. On the other hand, if you want to go, I would, if your sister doesn't like it...Oh well!

Whatever you decide, this situation is not going to be resolved any time soon, you may want to consider detaching a bit.
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:35 PM
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I would phone your mom and discuss how you feel, one on one. then if you still feel uncomfortable you can say that to your mom. Let your feelings out, tell her exactly how you feel. it will help you. Just so sad how this is a family disease and how the addict thinks the world rotates around them.
I hope things work out for you and you enjoy a nice thanksgiving
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Old 11-24-2010, 07:43 AM
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tandem
My son is the addict in my life. My daughter (like you) took a backseat to his addiction for a long time. It hurts me to realize that I was party to that. My son lost his sister. And I was at risk of losing my daughter. She just got sick and tired of it and I don't blame her.

My daughter handled it all remarkably well. Without any vendictiveness, she basically eliminated her brother from her life. And she limited contact with me for a while. She took care of herself. I am so proud of her for putting herself and her needs first. She's such a smart girl.

I read a lot of resentment in your post. So here's a question.....what can you do differently that could eliminate the resentment you feel? Sometimes little changes that we make, cause changes in those around us. Resentment (and anger) is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Take care of you first....and the resentment may fade away.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:22 AM
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Tandem545: (((hugs))) to you. I read in your post the hurt because your mom was not your advocate in this whole drama. Wouldn't it have been nice if you could have overheard your mom say, "Addict sister, this is my home, and you will not tell me when or where or how much I see of my other daughter. So get over it."

But you did not hear that. I too think it would be helpful to talk to your mom in a non-emotional way about the whole thing. Not so much that your mom will have a change a heart, but because if you keep that inside it will just fester and cause you a lot of damage. And I also highly suggest face-to-face 12-step meetings (like Alanon) where you can get this hurt out around people who have gone through the same thing and have been able to "get through it", whatever that means.

If you were my daughter, I'd just give you the biggest bear hug.

Sojourner.
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