small victory
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
You and her have a completely unhealthy, dysfunctional, one-sided, codependent pseudo relationship. Until you see that with your own eyes and FEEL IT, nothing anybody says here will matter.
The sad part is you are chained to her. You aren't opening yourself up to happiness or the possibility of finding your true love. This girl ain't it. Trust me on this one. "Love" isn't supposed to be this hard.
I just got a text from my axbf's friend, who is a recovering addict himself, and he's addicted to helping people, so I guess that's why he texted me, but who knows. He told me that my axbf was in a recovery program now. I barely blinked. You know why? Because I stopped caring a while ago. I'm looking forward to a life without him. A life of happiness and finding a man who can give me a real relationship, not somebody who lies to me or steals from me. I deserve better, and so do you.
I don't think you're even addicted to her anymore. You're addicted to the chaos. Even if she got clean, and that's a really big IF, how would that change you?
The sad part is you are chained to her. You aren't opening yourself up to happiness or the possibility of finding your true love. This girl ain't it. Trust me on this one. "Love" isn't supposed to be this hard.
I just got a text from my axbf's friend, who is a recovering addict himself, and he's addicted to helping people, so I guess that's why he texted me, but who knows. He told me that my axbf was in a recovery program now. I barely blinked. You know why? Because I stopped caring a while ago. I'm looking forward to a life without him. A life of happiness and finding a man who can give me a real relationship, not somebody who lies to me or steals from me. I deserve better, and so do you.
I don't think you're even addicted to her anymore. You're addicted to the chaos. Even if she got clean, and that's a really big IF, how would that change you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Steve))) - (((Daisy))) has another good point...you very likely COULD be addicted to the chaos. I know I was.
This guilt you're feeling is just that - a feeling. When I was trying, really hard, to get what people were telling me, yet still feel guilty when I'd get a letter or hear something about my XABF, I'd tell myself "okay, so I feel guilty. I haven't done anything wrong, I'm just taking care of me, and he's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Still feel guilty, but it won't kill me" and then I would do SOMETHING to distract myself. I used a similar way of dealing with thoughts of using...said "not an option...next" and "next" meant to distract myself.
I honestly don't think you're going to see what it is about YOU that you are avoiding dealing with until you get some time away from her. I've ALWAYS had "abandonment issues" and couldn't, for the life, of me, figure out why. After reading here, for more than 4 years (I lurked for over a year), I have some possible reasons, just by reading what other people have been through. Still don't have the exact answer, but it doesn't really matter, any more. I'm learning that I can accept who I am, if there's something I don't like about me, it's in MY power to change it (at least as far as attitudes, thoughts, reactions go).
I would have never gotten to this point if I hadn't made myself be BY myself, and kept going over, and over about a relationship that was dysfunctional at best.
We feel what we feel, but we don't have to react the way we always have. If you have so much free time at work, and you keep thinking of her, get a crossword puzzle and do it, something that requires thought; put a rubber band around your wrist and when your mind starts roaming, snap it so stings...it's been known to make our minds associate "pain" with that action (thinking about her) and works for a lot of people.
I'm just saying there are things you can do, other than think about her, feel guilty, whatever. It's all up to you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
This guilt you're feeling is just that - a feeling. When I was trying, really hard, to get what people were telling me, yet still feel guilty when I'd get a letter or hear something about my XABF, I'd tell myself "okay, so I feel guilty. I haven't done anything wrong, I'm just taking care of me, and he's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Still feel guilty, but it won't kill me" and then I would do SOMETHING to distract myself. I used a similar way of dealing with thoughts of using...said "not an option...next" and "next" meant to distract myself.
I honestly don't think you're going to see what it is about YOU that you are avoiding dealing with until you get some time away from her. I've ALWAYS had "abandonment issues" and couldn't, for the life, of me, figure out why. After reading here, for more than 4 years (I lurked for over a year), I have some possible reasons, just by reading what other people have been through. Still don't have the exact answer, but it doesn't really matter, any more. I'm learning that I can accept who I am, if there's something I don't like about me, it's in MY power to change it (at least as far as attitudes, thoughts, reactions go).
I would have never gotten to this point if I hadn't made myself be BY myself, and kept going over, and over about a relationship that was dysfunctional at best.
We feel what we feel, but we don't have to react the way we always have. If you have so much free time at work, and you keep thinking of her, get a crossword puzzle and do it, something that requires thought; put a rubber band around your wrist and when your mind starts roaming, snap it so stings...it's been known to make our minds associate "pain" with that action (thinking about her) and works for a lot of people.
I'm just saying there are things you can do, other than think about her, feel guilty, whatever. It's all up to you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
"i feel she's had so much bad in her life that this is an important time to stick by her in some fashion, even if to say i love you but cant watch this continue. i feel weird about just disappearing".
Sounds like a character in a Dicken's novel. Do you know for a fact that EVERYONE in her life abandoned her? is she some poor waif left on the church steps? Do you believe every bit of her story? Those are just excuses for her behaviors or how she treats you.
If you think you can just 'show her what real caring' is then that is an exercise in futility. ALL she cares about are the drugs because to her, it is the drugs that care back and are giving her what she needs, require no emotional entanglement and she doesn't have to be considerate of their feelings. She is using to NUMB. And using heroin/opiates is just for that purpose, to feel numb. So this 'caring' thing you go on about is a moot point.
It is time to look at Steve, not so much to think about things Steve doesn't want to think about but to realize that maybe Steve deserves to be treated better?
Sounds like a character in a Dicken's novel. Do you know for a fact that EVERYONE in her life abandoned her? is she some poor waif left on the church steps? Do you believe every bit of her story? Those are just excuses for her behaviors or how she treats you.
If you think you can just 'show her what real caring' is then that is an exercise in futility. ALL she cares about are the drugs because to her, it is the drugs that care back and are giving her what she needs, require no emotional entanglement and she doesn't have to be considerate of their feelings. She is using to NUMB. And using heroin/opiates is just for that purpose, to feel numb. So this 'caring' thing you go on about is a moot point.
It is time to look at Steve, not so much to think about things Steve doesn't want to think about but to realize that maybe Steve deserves to be treated better?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Steve,
I heard the whole sob story about his wretched childhood as well. I also felt bad for him and wanted to give him all the love that he never had!! Im sure they did have a troubled childhood...many people do. Although its sad its impossible to be their savior! We have all thought our love should be enough...but its not....why?????? Because they have turned to substances to fill the void and the substances are more powerful than we are. They need massive treatment to get better...NOT US!!! Surrender Steve....HP is trying to reach you but your distracted by emotional b/s and cant hear!!!! If you truly want peace again...just surrender.....give up!!
I heard the whole sob story about his wretched childhood as well. I also felt bad for him and wanted to give him all the love that he never had!! Im sure they did have a troubled childhood...many people do. Although its sad its impossible to be their savior! We have all thought our love should be enough...but its not....why?????? Because they have turned to substances to fill the void and the substances are more powerful than we are. They need massive treatment to get better...NOT US!!! Surrender Steve....HP is trying to reach you but your distracted by emotional b/s and cant hear!!!! If you truly want peace again...just surrender.....give up!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Steve,
You could possibly benefit from reading Codependent No More, if you haven't already done so.
That book touches on ALOT of the things posted here. I am on my third time of reading it and I am working the activitys at the end of each chapter this time.
You could possibly benefit from reading Codependent No More, if you haven't already done so.
That book touches on ALOT of the things posted here. I am on my third time of reading it and I am working the activitys at the end of each chapter this time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Steve,
Sorry I know one of your posts would tell me my question, but I am going to ask again. Have you ever been to al-anon? I know for me I really bounced around trying not to go or make an excuse why I could not go. I don't know why I was so hesitant to go, mainly I think I was scared to go off into something I didn't know much about or know anyone. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I would go on Tuesday Nights and looked so forward to going. Looked forward to seeing everyone and see how their week was, after our meetings we would go out for coffee.
Anyway just thought I would ask,
Rose
Sorry I know one of your posts would tell me my question, but I am going to ask again. Have you ever been to al-anon? I know for me I really bounced around trying not to go or make an excuse why I could not go. I don't know why I was so hesitant to go, mainly I think I was scared to go off into something I didn't know much about or know anyone. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I would go on Tuesday Nights and looked so forward to going. Looked forward to seeing everyone and see how their week was, after our meetings we would go out for coffee.
Anyway just thought I would ask,
Rose
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