semihollow

Hey guys, I'm a brand new member and have been skulking out the message boards for the past few hours now before I found the courage to post.

I actually feel guilty posting here because I've noticed that you all are dealing with partners/sons/daughters etc who are still using, while my boyfriend is a recovered narcotics abuser who has been clean more than a year.

The reason why I have found myself here is because although he has been clean from heroine for so long, he still has a lot of problems with anxiety and depression.

He tells me that although he is not physically addicted to drugs anymore, he still feels psychologically attached and still doesn't know how to deal with his problems sober.

He attends Narcotics Anonymous meetings twice a week and last night told me he wants to involve himself more in the program which I support whole-heartedly. He even said that I should show up at some point so I know what it's all about.

I constantly worry that he'll relapse mostly because lately he has been smoking a fair bit of pot.

Last night he opened up to me about how he sometimes feels like a freak, sometimes even around me. Although I'm thankful he's letting me in on his problems, at the same time, I'm so hurt that he can't feel completely at ease with me. He tells me that he loves me and that I should never take anything personally, but I can't help it.

How have you all soothed your worrying minds? I know my problems aren't near as severe as yours...but I can't help but feel really bogged down.

crazybabie

Hello, semihollow

Welcome to SR, I was just wondering he is working a program have you worked one?
( I constantly worry that he'll relapse mostly because lately he has been smoking a fair bit of pot.)

We learn how to detach which isan't easy the most reccomended book here IMO is Codependent no nore.

Many of us attend alanon or naranon for ourselfs our, recovery.
I personally think you should listen when he says do not take it personally.

I am fairly new myself there will be some others who have much more wisdom than I do come along soon.

Time4Me1

I also hated the fact that i was always worrying about relapse. In hind sight my exbf stated several times that he was thinking about drugs more and also stated that he thought he should go to more meetings, also began to smoke a "little pot". Shortly after, he relapsed. I think these are legit signs of a possible relapse. I had my own problems that I was dealing with and didn't really pay to much attention to it. I dont believe there was anything I could have done to prevent it any way. When ever life got tough, monotonous or whatever he would relapse.There are definate triggers that they have to constantly deal with. I dont think you should take on that responsibility either. You can support and encourage him to attend more meetings and hope he wants to stay clean bad enough. Is he taking meds for depression and anxiety? Is he working with a therapist? My motto became hope for the best, but prepare for the worst! You could go to meetings for your self! Good luck and stay strong!

litehorse

semi - welcome to sr - you have made an excellent choice to come here - read all you can -learn as much as possible - take care of yourself - start your own program - all of these things will be repeated many times in various ways but bottom line it is the best you can do - prayers are constantly being offered up for the addicts and all of us who love them - you and your bf are certainly added to that list

liesagain

Glad you found SR, sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
I know this isnt what you want to hear, but your boyfriend has already relapsed...........Pot is a drug as is alcohol, Just because he has not yet returned to his drug of choice hes still using drugs.
You mentioned that hes attending meetings, does he have a sponsor and is he working the steps? If he has a sponsor I have to wonder how thats going if hes told hes smoking pot if not then hes not being honest with his support group.............these are all signs that things very well could return to full out his drug of choice using

Taking care of yourself is going to be really important for you. Maybe find some meetings for the family of addicts...........naranon or families anon are good and if no narcotics meets Alanon is helpful too.

Please stick around and read the sticky notes

Kindeyes

semihollow
Welcome to SR.....you have come to the right place.

This forum is for all of us who have a loved one who is either actively using or in recovery......either way. Often, because of their addiction, we become sick too. We go to meetings like Alanon or Naranon to help ourselves. To understand and work the 12 steps for ourselves. Quite honestly, I didn't get it at first. I thought "I'm not the one with the problem.....my AS (addicted son) is the one with the problem." But I soon discovered that I was behaving in very predictable ways that actually made me a part of the overall problem.

Stick around, read some of the books that are recommended, and, if you are able, attend NarAnon (or Alanon) meetings in your area. You'll learn that all the anxiety in the world won't stop an addict for using or keep an addict in recovery from picking up again. We need to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

I'm glad you're here.

gentle hugs

keepinon

Liesagain nailed it.He is using drugs.most people who are addicts will become cross addicted or go back to thier drug of choice when using mood altering substances.He sounds like he is well on his way to a full blown relapse. I go to alanon meetings and they really help me.

Freedom1990

Smoking pot does not constitute being clean, and NA is very clear on that.

Your boyfriend is not clean, and not in recovery.

He may attend meetings, but that in itself is not recovery.

What do you want for your life? This may be as good as it ever gets.

Addiction is progressive if left untreated.

Please check into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a great starter book.

I'm so glad I finally reached the point where I am no longer attracted to men who feel the need to chemically alter their state of mind, regardless of the drug, including alcohol.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.

Lunaaa

Welcome around . As others pointed smoking pot is actually using . maybe you underestimate it because smoking pot doesnt make you an addict but your bf used to be one so by smoking pot now he has relapsed from recovery and it's strictly against the program. my ex addict bf did the same thing after staying clean and sober for 3 months ,his relapse started by smoking weed (in my country it's called Hasheesh) then he returned later to his drug of choice.
drugs bring alot of drama so dont feel pain when he tells you how bad he feels or uncomfortable he is.
remember you didnt CAUSE it.
you cant CONTROL it
and you cant CURE it.
all you can is just take care of you and focus on yourself.
my hugs and prayers.

semihollow

Thanks for all your responses Since I'm very new to all of this, I'm still unsure about how all this works.

Many of you have mentioned that since he occasionally smokes pot it means that he has 'relapsed'?

I'm not too sure if I agree just because I always thought the meaning of being truly over an addiction is to be able to not feel controlled by the drug of choice? For example, I thought that for an alcoholic to be over his addiction means that he would spend years off the drink, until maybe he would be comfortable enough to have a glass of wine with dinner when out with company? (sorry if that offends anyone)

He no longer uses heavy opiates and also takes really good care of his health: ie eats incredibly healthy (organic, vegetables etc), has a full time job, makes time for exercise as well as friends and family. He may smoke weed once in awhile but it doesn't appear to hinder him in anyway?

Freedom1990

It doesn't work that way with this recovering alcoholic/addict/codependent.

I can never safely ingest alcohol again. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, albeit one in recovery a few years now.

I guess I am somewhat confused as to exactly why you are there then if the pot is not an issue and you feel he is in recovery?

By the way, NA does view pot as a drug, regardless of whether it was his drug of choice or not. By NA's definition, he is not clean.

Using drugs is only a symptom.

I think you will find a lot of good information on addiction through the sticky topics at the top of this forum.

johndelko408

The thing that worries me about your post is that you mentioned that he is smoking pot now. When I got into recovery from alcohol I wasnt willing to give up the weed. The problem with that was that I wasn't able to progress in the program because I wasnt being honest with myself. I would go to meetings, stand up and introduce myself and claim to have X amount of days of sobriety. The reality was that I'd smoke a couple of bowls before I'd leave the house to go to my meetings. I feel I wasn't able to progress because I just had this bad feeling inside because I was lying. It's almost as my conscience was telling me to get my act together. This bad feeling wouldn't allow me to grow spiritually. Not being able to grow spiritually inhibited my ability to establish a relationship with myself, because my mind was always altered so I couldn't really find out who I truly am, and with my HP who I call God. I look at the recovery program as all or nothing. You really can't stay clean from one substance and not the other. What's really scary about your BF's situation is that he is smoking pot. Why? Because like heroin pot is a depressant just a lighter form. If he is still psychologically craving heroin and self medicating with pot, soon the high from pot is just not going to do it for him. The thing I fear in that is that it can lead him back to using his drug of choice. Many people get the notion that if they are not using their drug of choice or the one that gave them the most problems anymore that they are okay. But the truth is that its just a matter of time before they do relapse to their DOC.

Babyblue

He is using pot to cope. So that is why he isn't in recovery. Recovery is about not needing any substance to cope with life's stressors. Also the depression and anxiety could be side effects of his pot use. It is still a drug. The substance can be interchangeable but addiction is the same regardless of what they are using.

It isn't in your control. But glad you are here !

DaisyBuchanan

From my personal experience with my axbf...pot is just the start. It's the "Well, at least I'm not using" excuse. I agree with whomever said that it's just using another drug to cope.

You may smoke pot and drink alcohol and be fine. I may smoke and be fine. An addict isn't fine. Their brains operate differently than ours. It triggers something within them. First pot, then it's on to painkillers. Before you know it, he's in a full-blown relapse with heroin.

Take care of yourself and stick around here because people are here to help and listen to you

cmhcali

Yeah I agree with the pot being a definite drug. I am an alcoholic that hated smoking pot and I know the only reason for me to smoke it would be to make myself feel better. He is not comfortable in his own skin as you mentioned him feeling weird at times around you so he medicates.

As for drug of choice being heroin and smoking pot it will lead back to it unless he changes. I used to take my recovering heroin addict sister to the bar to show her she could have a good time just drinking (not knowing what I know now), fast forward 10 years later and she is in jail for her addiction.

I think if he wants to be completely sober he needs to get honest with someone in NA. It is called humility and it is hard but his dishonesty will eat at him.

And dont take it personally it is his addiction not yours but I know this disease very well. My brother and sister are heroin addicts. And my two nephews who were raised in my home are also heroin addicts. My bf is a heroin addict.

My bf is sober and works a program of recovery, my twin brother is on methadone, my 21 year old nephew is on methadone, my 42 year old sister is in jail, and my 17 year old nephew sent to DYS today.

He needs complete abstinence and to work hard. I know those alienated feelings. I am an alcoholic (sober 2.5 years) and I can still feel that way if I dont go to enough meetings (for me about 4-5 a week), work steps, talk to my sponsor, sponsees and network and practice what I am taught (including one of which is not smoking pot).

Having one foot in AA/NA and one foot out the door is like playing russian roulette for an addict or an alcoholic (we are treating the same disease with different drugs of choice)