Scrapbooker

I am the mother of a 20 year old son who is living in a dorm room in a 4- year college.

His junior year of high school, we became aware by reading an open book on his bed that he was very involved with "weed" as he put it. We tested him at home 3 or 4 times over the next 6 months or so. Did not ever test clean of THC. During his first year of college he was living with us and we forced him to go into a 3 day per week rehab program. Completed the program and tested positive 5 days later for THC. My husband asked him to leave. Found prescription drugs that were not his in his room as well.

He has over the past 2 years told me he has used Ex, pot, prescription pain meds, alcohol and maybe others.

I feel I can tell when he is using and I think he is now. He also asked for Vivance. He has a history of abusing Aderoll, we were informed of this when he went to the rehab program. He also asked for and received an anti-depressant, he said it was something like Prozac. He was on Wellbutrin for about 6 months and just stopped taking it on his own. I have no reason to believe he has ADD and I really don't know if he has depression.

I wrote a letter to his psychiatrist and told him about the drug use. They seemed unaware of it as they called to talk to me after the letter. I really believe he just knows what to say to get prescriptions. I also told him when he called a couple of weeks ago that his disease was taking over again and I could not talk to him right now. I have since then texted that I love him a couple of times and invited him to his sister's birthday tomorrow. This was the biggest step I've ever taken toward detaching. After praying about it a lot, it feels right.

He has never officially been in trouble with the police or been caught by any of his employers. He has been working for a local pharmacy since he was 16. He has never yelled at us, stolen from us or been violent. He mostly just lies and ends up telling several different stories about what he did on a Friday night for example. His grade are also very poor when he is using and he is uncomfortable spending much time with us but still calls to talk. He hasn't since I asked him not to. He also gets very thin and doesn't eat much when he comes over.

I would appreciate some advice. Does it seem like I'm on the right path? I swear since no one else around him seems to catch on, I feel like I've made this all up.

Ainslie

Hmm im probably not qualified to post in this area, but may I say you sound like my own mother? The more she hassled me, the more I smoked. She used to go through my drawers and call the cops on me even! Clearly I resented her because of this, and still think that her going through my stuff was not out of 'duty of care' but rather as a way of exercising her control over me. I used to say 'mum, if you were a country, youd be north korea'

I stole from my mum and lied constantly.

Like I said, this is not really my area to post, but thought id share my experience as a 29 year old who has been struggling with a weed addiction since 14 and a controlling mother all my life.

I read somewhere, the greatest gift you can give your child is the use of their own free will. I realise this is probably much easier for me to say as a woman without children though.

Sincere apologies if I have offended you.

Freedom1990

Hi Scrapbooker, and welcome to SR.

I have a 32-year-old daughter active in addictions, and I also have a 22-year-old daughter who's now been involved with an active alcoholic for over a year now.

It's tough, and it's painful to see your adult child making poor choices.

I would recommend checking into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among people who understand.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good starter book. She has a series of books on codependency.

I am a recovering codependent, and a recovering alcoholic/addict.

I know what it took for me to hit a bottom and start changing my life.

I give both of my daughters the dignity to make their own choices in life, poor though they may be.

My addict daughter is no longer welcome in my home after a month's stay where everything got turned upside down.

My home is alcohol and drug-free. No one steps foot in my house if they are drunk and/or high, period.

My youngest daughter only lives two blocks away, and we have a good relationship in spite of her choice for a partner.

My life is full and complete regardless of what my daughters are/aren't doing.

I like that you said you prayed a lot, and your decision felt right. This is good, and you are starting to practice detachment.

Please continue to post, and know that you are among friends.

Again, welcome to SR.

Scrapbooker

Thank you for the replies.

Ainslie, no offense taken at all. That helps a lot. I'm not sure if my son feels I am controlling, I get the impression he tells me what he does so I will find out at times. But he too has said the more I try to stop him, the more he wants to get high. I think we probably have some codependency going on too.

Freedom 1990, thank you for sharing your experiences. My goal is to try to practice detachment. I struggle with how much we should still assist him with college because we helped our daughter. She graduated with a Bachelor's degree in music education in May, received a job offer in June and got married in July. She lives about 2 hours away, we are really close and always have been. We usually talk once or twice per week and they are staying with us for the weekend to celebrate her 24th birthday tomorrow.

It's hard when 2 children are so very different. They were very close growing up and he was part of her wedding party.

Live

As for the college thing...myself, I would have certain grade requirements to be met for me to shell out the money as in a gpa..anyone can have difficulty with one course or etc but I would want to invest in an education that he completes.

Scrapbooker

Thank you, Live. I've been trying to shoot for at least C's with preferably C's and B's. He made it through the first 2 years with those C's and B's except on F. I agree, anyone can struggle with one class. I was having him show me his grades on line every time he comes over. I feel like the conflict with that is it's difficult to detach and still watch the grades.

Today is my daughter's birthday. He was invited over via text message from me on Thursday. No specific time. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and not to continue to look outside. He texted back that he is coming over but it doesn't look that way.

Freedom1990

I walked away from a scholarship and college education just 2 months into college classes at age 18. I was already so out of control that I never ever would have graduated.

My sponsor told me long ago that I would have consequences from my drinking/drugging classes long after I was in recovery.

I didn't understand at the time, but I do today.

I ended up raising two girls by myself while in recovery, and although I took college classes here and there through a community college close by, I never got a degree.

So, at age 50 and with both daughters grown, I took the plunge and enrolled full-time, all online, at another community college about 40 miles away.

With some help from Vo-Rehab with book expenses, Pell grants, and finally college loans, I have put myself through college. I'll be done this next spring, and with two associate degrees.

I didn't appreciate the value of a college education at age 18, but I surely do now!

I think it's great you are monitoring his grades in order to assess continuing support in his college education.

I would do the same if I were in your shoes.

Kindeyes

scrapbooker
Welcome to SR. It is very difficult to have children who seem to make poor choices. Freedom had some excellent suggestions regarding reading material as well as face to face meetings. And stick around here.......we all share our experiences and support one another. There are many mothers here who have addicted adult children.

gentle hugs from another Mom

johndelko408

I smoked a lot of pot too as a teen and into my twenties. As ainslie mentioned the more my parents bothered me about it the more I smoked. I did this as a form of rebelion, "I'll show you for nagging me and going through my personal stuff". I now understand that they did this because they cared about my well being. As in any addiction you can't make someone quit who doesn't want to quit. Unless he wants to quit he's not going to. The only thing I could suggest is to tell him with the decisions he's making your no longer going to pay for his education. I know this sounds like you would be jeopardizing his future. But you mentioned he is not getting good grades anyways, so in a sense its almost like your wasting your money and enabling his usage. I really don't mean to sound mean if I do.

Spiritual Seeker

You are right to be concerned as obviously your son is habitually abusing drugs.

Addiction is progressive.
It is typical that he will avoid you rather than be confronted or questioned and then
have to try to maintain.
Learn all you can about addiction.
My area has al-anon meetings just for parents.

Scrapbooker

Fast forward to today. Our son lived at home with us last summer and worked at the paper mill with his dad. That we know of he used alcohol but not to excess. He moved back into a dorm room. He and fis GF were arrested for paraphernalia and THC possession. Once in Oct and paraphernalia in Dec. He went to court and ended up with a not guilty for the Oct charges, goes back to court next week for Dec charges. He has been working for shopko since Oct, passed a drug test this week. He did a 5 week outpatient program and starts aftercare next week. This is about the time of his last relapse and tonight he and GF supposedly went to an NA meeting but it doesn't feel right to me. He has been going to meetings 2 or 3 times a week, but I know he and GF had a fight about it after he attended 1thursday night. Do any of you get a gut feeling when the using starts again?

Scrapbooker

His grades last semester were mostly Bs. Yes, that's what I was thinking is that he can pass a drug test if he knows about it. It seems crazy to me that the rehab program he is in let's him know he will be tested. He is struggling more with grades this semester, mostly C,s. He is working with a tutor. Behavior is hard for me to judge. I think the previous post that talks about me accepting I can't fix it is probably where I am with it. He's aware that we will ask him to live elsewhere again if we know about using again, so he will try harder to hide it. He plans on moving into an apartment in Oct which he knows he must come with the money for entirely on his own.

He came home around 10 last night and came into my room to tell me he was at the cigar shop after his meeting, so he is either trying or trying to get me to believe he is trying.

Thank you for posting, I appeciate it.

BeavsDad

The gut feeling is all you have because playing warden sucks.
Chances are, you know when he's using pretty quickly.
I used to pretend that I didn't hear that slur in the voice or that attitude was just moodiness. We know.

If your boundary is "no drug use in my home," you should maybe set him an earlier move out date.

My friend had fully intended to pay for his kids college but they ran into some issues her senior year in high school.
He ended up having her get deferred loans in her name only and said he would pay them in full only when she produced a diploma. Credit totals didn't matter. Diploma was the only way.
That wayhe wasn't responsible for worrying about her grades or wasting money on party time.

Virgo59

That gut feeling has usually been right for me. I never believe it is when I first get the feeling but as time passes, it proves out. My AS has been at it for 15 years and every single time that it's gotten really bad, I swear I'll never ignore my gut again. But then, after the reprieve (for my son, the reprieves have been jail and prison), when I'm just sure that he couldn't possibly want that lifestyle anymore, when I really believe the last lesson must have had some effect - the alarms will start in my gut and I'll try to deny them away again. Trust your gut.