aiw

I texted my son and used a threat to get a response...I let my anxiety get the best of me. I hadnt heard from my son in a week after sending 3 encouraging texts to him over the course of the week--I had figured he was staying within a drug circle and protecting them and himself. Because its not like him to completely ignore me, I started thinking he was dead somewhere, or in the morgue without any identification. I panicked and sent him a text asking if he was okay then letting him know, if he didnt text me back, I was going to the police station to file a missing person's report. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time because my panic was completely relieved a couple minutes later when I received a reply saying, "I'm alright. Just sleeping". But now I'm thinking it was an attempt on my part to gain some control of the situation--my codependence. He's never been hateful or violent towards me, or even stolen from me, in any past drug use. My enabling started when I first realized his drug use was out of control in 2005 (he was 23) when I had to take him to the hospital following a seizure and a drive to my house by his friends. Since then, I have bent into a pretzel trying to fix every problem he had...out of fear of losing him. He is my only child. We've developed a dynamic where he presents a problem to me and I jump to fix it with suggestions or action.
Is it ok to require him to let me know he's okay? Or should I just let him be?

aiw

also, i went to my first al-anon meeting on thursday and its a great group of people. dont have a sponsor yet but am looking forward to getting to know all of them--thank you all for the push to get there!

keepinon

We all lose it sometimes, but since you asked... I absolutely do not think an adult child should be "required" to check in. That is a set up for resentment. When my daughter was using heavily we once went 8 weeks without a word from her.Later, when I asked her why, she said she had tried to get clean and "failed" and she was so ashamed about using, she did not want to face us (that and active addicts only care about their next fix, I'm sure). When I start to get a little nutsy from anxiety, I call someone from the program and get my butt to as many meetings as I can.
That is our disease and you are starting to hear it talk to you, wheras before you wouldn't have even questioned texting him as many times as it took to get your "fix".That in itself is progress..I remember distinctly the first time I questioned my own immediate reaction and instead chose to respond.It was a whole new concept for me.One thing that really helps me is to remember that feelings (including anxiety) come and go..it will pass . Two steps forward, one step back, the reality of recovery..keep working your program, it get easier.

FGB

aiw,
I did that a couple weeks ago. I called the police to do a wellness check on my son. They did, he was passed out, blew a .33 and went to jail for a warrant. When he got out he hated me.
From the info I've received, he quit drinking on Tuesday of this week, cold turkey. The police called me yesterday, found him wandering a mile away, with a pbt of .000, no alcohol. I hadn't seen him or known that he had quit drinking. They were sure he had done some kind of drug, his pupils were constricted and he didn't know where he was or what day it was. Turns out he was bleeding into his brain. Long story short, he's at the hospital, had brain surgery last night, and had a good night after that. We're not out of the woods yet.
What you did is normal for a mom. I'm sure others here have more experience than I do and will be along soon. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Hugs, FGB

Chino

I talk to my 72 year old mother 1-2 times a month and I live 600 miles away. She lives alone, still works, and sends me joke emails almost every day. Even if I called her every day, she could still fall down the basement stairs after we hang up. Or get in a car wreck on the way to/from work. The possibilities are endless. I'm also positive she'd start ignoring me if I checked up on her all the time. I would do the same if the situation was reversed.

If you remove addiction from the equation, would you need him to stay in touch with you every other day or so?

johndelko408

Aiw, I'm 28 and I get somewhat annoyed when my mom asks me to check in with her. But I can understand that you worry about him, especially being he is your only child. Your post touches me though, I'm going to give my mom a call today and let her know that I love her.

FGB, I'm sorry to hear that it was a medical issue that your son had. I remember reading your post yesterday and i jumped to the conclusion that he was using meth. I hope that everything works out with your son, I'll keep him in my morning prayer today.

tam

aiw, I did the same thing with my AH, tried all kind of threats as well, even went as far as calling the police as after all he is bipolar and diabetic and like others and yourself when we dont hear from them for awhile we reach out, sometimes we dont reach out correctly. we all do the same things. it takes time for us to come to terms with addiction and use the coping skills that we have here on SR , but it doesnt mean there wont be times we fall off the horse. its knowing how to get back on and work the program that is important and you seem to acknowledging this. keep going to meetings and posting on here, you will see your own recovery soon.

litehorse

i did a lot of that for the three or so years before my son was arrested the first time and i finally got how addicted he was(is) as if there were levels of addiction:/ i've thought a lot about what i will do when he gets out of jail this time - he has to own his life, his addiction and his recovery - i can't do it for him - on the other hand he is still my son and always will be - i have two other sons and i will not let more than 2 weeks go by without checking on them and if i have to leave a message and don't hear anything for a day i will call back - it's a mother thing - like just about everything else in life it has to be in balance and with addiction it has to be carefully, oh so carefully, monitored - so hop back on that horse and get both feet in the stirrups - head'em up, move'm out!!

dollydo

My mom is 85, I talk to her onece a week, she either calls me or I call her. If I called her everyday, she would say "Why are you calling me everyday?" If there is an emergency, yes we will cal each other otherwise, we have our own lives.

greeteachday

It's understandable that you worry...that obsessing about whether our loved one is okay is part of what brings us here. I have heard it said that we can only do what we can do...It sounds to me as if you have made great progress in your recovery since you have questioned your motives. I've found that thinking about what I do or how I act or react and talking it over with someone in recovery who understands always helps me to make progress in my recovery. So glad to hear you have found a meeting...keep moving forward

Kindeyes

aiw
I see so many things in your post. First, I see myself.....I've done all of those things at some point in time with my AS. Second, I see you questioning your motives and that's a good thing.

I have also worried about whether my son was in the morgue without identification. I've worried about him laying in a ditch somewhere.....needing help. You name it.....I've thought it or worried about it. It is part of the "stinky thinking" we get into. Particularly when they are so very deep in addiction. It can make us crazy.

I had to find ways to keep my mind occupied so that I didn't worry myself sick. I had to realize that if he was in the morgue.....my worrying about it wasn't going to change it. I had to realize that I was wasting my time and my life with "what if's". I had to realize that I was making myself quite sick.

Please keep working on you and keep searching for those times of serenity. It may only be five minutes of serenity at first but that's five more minutes of peace than you had yesterday. It takes a lot of work to keep from worrying about our beloved sons and to start paying attention to the person we can control....ourselves.

gentle hugs