Babyblue

I wore my grouchypants today! I am mad at the RABF because now he tells me that I can't call him there. But the way he phrased it is what ticked me off 'girls can't call'. I am some girl?? Just some girl??? I don't want to get him in trouble but I kind of really was peeved by his dismissive description.

Ok. I am super sensitive and my friend says I am reaching on this one. But I can't help how I feel. I'm feeling that anger again rising. That feeling of wanting to yell and scream at him because of what he put me through. I am NOT going to write him for a while. My therapist said that it is ok to express my sadness in a letter to him but I'm not so sure that is the right thing to do. I may regret sending it and it may take him off focus from what he is doing.. besides.. im just 'some girl'.

f that.

Freedom1990

If girls can't call, then girls can't call. I know when I was in rehab, you couldn't take any calls from the opposite sex, whether friend, GF/BF, or husband/wife for the first two weeks. There are reasons for that.

How about writing a letter to him, expressing all your feelings, owning it by signing it, and then burn it?

I've done that many times when angry with someone.

Ann

I too am familiar with the "no calls from the opposite sex". That keeps it simple and means the counselors don't have to try to guess anyone's relationship.

There is good reason for this. The rule is in place because they need to stay focused on their recovery and nothing else. I worked at a rehab for two years and I can tell you first hand that sometimes when the girlfriend calls came, you could see the change in the addict who was supposed to be trying to find recovery. They were distracted and they relapsed, 9 times out of 10. They would have done well to have that rule in place.

While he is busy focusing on his recovery, why don't you maybe try some meetings for yourself. This might be a good time to focus on you and build your own strength back up.

Instead of obsessing about him, use that energy to help yourself and grow.

Hugs

Babyblue

OH ok.
So I am just being dramatic. Ugh.

Thanks for clarifying.

I tried meetings. I couldn't get into it. Like I said, the meeting options in my area at the times I can go mean HUGE impersonal meetings. I'll keep my eyes open for something smaller and a friendlier group.

Babyblue

Oh and I did write the letter. I actually was going to send it! Wasn't an angry letter, more of a pity party for myself. Ugh. I just really miss him. I know he is where he needs to be.

I do live my life, I just had a very stressful work week and have been in a negative mood because of it.

this too shall pass

Seren

Sorry to hear that it has not been a good week, but he is where he needs to be concentrating on learning the skills he needs to get and maintain sobriety. You just concentrate on you.....(((babyblue))).

To paraphrase a bit from one of Freedom's best....you turn those grouchypants back into happypants!!! And that's a good thing! (Channeling my inner Martha Stewart...). I like that letter burning idea...I've never tried that.

Freedom1990

For me, I have found it impossible to remain in a negative mood when I am wearing my SpongeBob pj pants, seriously.

Yes, I am a 52-year-old woman who has SpongeBob pj pants, and had a SpongeBob watch I proudly wore everywhere till it finally sputtered and died.

Fashion icon that I am, I have no doubt all the kids who have delivered pizza to my house whilst I am wearing those pants have all run out and bought some too!

Kindeyes

babyblue
Maybe it was just something in the air.......I had on the grouchypants yesterday. Your turn.

gentle hugs

Tatertot

HI Babyblue... Sorry to hear what you're going through. I know I don't come around often, so I'm a little out of the loop.

Sounds like your BF is back in residential rehab? How long is there for? At least he's there, right?

He's probably going through a lot of emotions right now, and I agree with the others that NC is probably best while he's there so that he can put everything he's got into working a program and sticking to it. The best way to support him is to be as non-confrontational as possible right now. Don't try to make him feel guilty about leaving you to enter the program. It might be enough to make him quit, and you don't want that.

Just be strong. And I totally get what you mean about the meetings... they really did NOTHING for me (and mine were small enough where everyone got to say something...).

Maybe just focus on other stuff in your life... don't mope at home. Get involved with volunteering somewhere... it will make you feel good. Can you be a Big Sister? That is always a great organization to support...

I'm wishing you strength and luck and I KNOW you can get through this. He must be worth it if you're putting yourself through this.... just think about the kind of life you can have once he's put his addictions behind him for good!

Lots of HUGS,

T

Babyblue

Yup he is back in residential for a very lonnng time. I was doing ok until he told me that I couldn't call him there Then reality hit me.

I did write him, I was honest. Not confrontational (that isn't who I am) but my therapist said it was ok for me to be more honest with how I felt because he is in the best place to cope with anything which may be hard for him. Meaning, he will get the support he needs if something challenging comes up. I am mindful though of his limits and I really just said I missed him and that I'm scared of the unknown but I know he is doing the best thing for himself. I do support it. I am relieved he is there. But for me it is a loss. Like I lost something that I thought was going to be a real thing in my life what would grow. I suppose this is a test.

He is a great guy. Very self aware and he truly wants to put his life back together without alcohol/drugs but so far it has elluded him as to HOW to stay sober. He does great for a while then relapses. He has incredible amounts of guilt about what this does to his kids, how it affects those around him but to cope with that guilt, he drinks.. then goes to to harder drugs It is a vicious cycle that he needs to get out of. So yes, he is where he needs to be. I am at peace with that.

But I am sad and have to find someway to stay focused on MY Life and enjoy it as much as I can. It would be so much easier if he were a total jerk or mean but he isn't.

Who knows, I can't dwell on the unknown and that is where i am stuck I want to think that things will be great when he is better but for some reason I can't get my hopes up. I am scared to.

Live

You are experiencing a loss and it is normal to feel anger about that and to ask what about me in this relationship?
My needs and feelings count too.
I am glad you are in therapy, it always helps me.

Babyblue

It is grieving of sorts. I thought things were going to be very different when I started on this journey. I feel sort of cheated out of something. But then I am lucky to have had some of the wonderful things we share. Hope he gets well enough to want to pick up where we left off.