obvious question
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obvious question
so basically EVERYTHING that is done by someone in full blown addiction revolves around getting their needs met- drugs, money, a place to crash.
their function is basic survival and to keep being fed the drugs.
i just talked to a friend of mine who used for a while. she told me about one of her friends who still is active and how this person would stay with her bf for a couple days then be gone for weeks, then pop up again.
so basically EVERYTHING addicts do is motivated by what they need at that time correct?
i should realize this because i don't get call to jsut let me know she is ok. i don't get calls to ask how i am. i realize that is "sober thinking" but i guess i am startingto allow myself to believe that EVERYTHING is self serving and drug motivated.
am i on target or generalizing here?
their function is basic survival and to keep being fed the drugs.
i just talked to a friend of mine who used for a while. she told me about one of her friends who still is active and how this person would stay with her bf for a couple days then be gone for weeks, then pop up again.
so basically EVERYTHING addicts do is motivated by what they need at that time correct?
i should realize this because i don't get call to jsut let me know she is ok. i don't get calls to ask how i am. i realize that is "sober thinking" but i guess i am startingto allow myself to believe that EVERYTHING is self serving and drug motivated.
am i on target or generalizing here?
RIP Sweet Suki
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That's pretty much it. Your friend is right and it's the same stuff we've been telling you for quite a while now. We cannot make you believe it, but even the recovered addicts that post here have told you the same thing.
As I've said before, you are the only one keeping yourself from getting past all this garbage. I don't know how many ways you can continue to ask the same questions or how many ways we can keep telling you the same thing.
As I've said before, you are the only one keeping yourself from getting past all this garbage. I don't know how many ways you can continue to ask the same questions or how many ways we can keep telling you the same thing.
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sukis right Steve....I really feel that you need face to face to believe everything everyone has been telling you. Keep talking to your friend and you'll get all the answers you have already been told.....
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Yes, if you finally accept the truth for the truth, you will win a wonderful prize....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
PEACE, HAPPINESS and a LIFE!
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Do you want to be a winner? Of coarse you do. Choose the truth.
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PEACE, HAPPINESS and a LIFE!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Do you want to be a winner? Of coarse you do. Choose the truth.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
There's this thing called "terminal uniqueness." It's when people think their situation isn't quite like everyone elses. All the people here mean well, but they just don't know my specific situation. They don't know my addict/alcoholic or they don't know me.
Terminal uniqueness can destroy you.
Terminal uniqueness can destroy you.
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Everyone thinks their situation is unique, but the reality is (sad to say) the same situation has happened to all of us. I used to think I could write a book on my life of living with an addict, no one knows, no one could live thru what I have, no way someone has put up with what I have, but the reality is We all have. Its the same story told a million diffrent ways. Our minds just can't wrap around the addiction, We don't understand. the story is all the same just with diffrent ppl.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
There's this thing called "terminal uniqueness." It's when people think their situation isn't quite like everyone elses. All the people here mean well, but they just don't know my specific situation. They don't know my addict/alcoholic or they don't know me.
Terminal uniqueness can destroy you.
Terminal uniqueness can destroy you.
What would Suki do?
terminal uniqueness nearly killed me steve.
i was the only alcoholic in the world like me, no one understood me, and no one ever would, it was my destiny to die a depressed drunk because that is what i was born to do.
just as you think you are born to save this addict from herself.
it doesnt work that way steve.
i do know you, and i do know your gf.
nothing unique about your story at all, as a matter of fact it is a cliche.
break free steve.
live your own life.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I can relate to you asking this question more than once, Steve. Take heart my friend you aren't alone in that.
I had a hard, hard time, too, wrapping my head around the insatiable aspect of addiction. It was like playing some sort of 6-degrees of separation game. All things with XABF seemed to lead back to getting booze and getting booze into his system.
It was NOT always like that. There were times in our relationship when it did not drive his waking existence and codependency didn't absorb my day. There were selfless and loving things that we both did without ulterior motivation or to play each other. I do have happy memories of our relationship that even in my most cynical moments I can't find a trace of addiction/codependency in them.
I believe that over time our issues actually filtered all those feelings and loving acts of kindness out of our lives. All the trial and error we made along the way became practiced and refined. He only had to object slightly to something and I would bend over backwards to fix anything to make him happy. One whimper and I was a basket case until he was satisfied. Anything to avoid discord.
All I had to do was slam a door, walk off in a huff, refuse sex, refuse any caretaking, and he would white knuckle a good week or even a month at times of sobriety. Of course it wasn't really sobriety (I understand that now) so my silent treatment and manipulative pouting only abated but so much.
It was a frightful dance.
By the end of our relationship we were a finely tuned machine. He did only the bare minimal of what was required to get what he needed from me going right for my hot buttons every time. I was a vending machine of emotions that could be selected at the drop of a hat to get what I wanted from him.
When I finally backed up far enough to see the relationship for what it was, I was heartbroken.
It will sink in. There will be grieving from that. These questions are just your heart fighting the realization and that's okay.
You'll get there in your due time.
Alice
I had a hard, hard time, too, wrapping my head around the insatiable aspect of addiction. It was like playing some sort of 6-degrees of separation game. All things with XABF seemed to lead back to getting booze and getting booze into his system.
It was NOT always like that. There were times in our relationship when it did not drive his waking existence and codependency didn't absorb my day. There were selfless and loving things that we both did without ulterior motivation or to play each other. I do have happy memories of our relationship that even in my most cynical moments I can't find a trace of addiction/codependency in them.
I believe that over time our issues actually filtered all those feelings and loving acts of kindness out of our lives. All the trial and error we made along the way became practiced and refined. He only had to object slightly to something and I would bend over backwards to fix anything to make him happy. One whimper and I was a basket case until he was satisfied. Anything to avoid discord.
All I had to do was slam a door, walk off in a huff, refuse sex, refuse any caretaking, and he would white knuckle a good week or even a month at times of sobriety. Of course it wasn't really sobriety (I understand that now) so my silent treatment and manipulative pouting only abated but so much.
It was a frightful dance.
By the end of our relationship we were a finely tuned machine. He did only the bare minimal of what was required to get what he needed from me going right for my hot buttons every time. I was a vending machine of emotions that could be selected at the drop of a hat to get what I wanted from him.
When I finally backed up far enough to see the relationship for what it was, I was heartbroken.
It will sink in. There will be grieving from that. These questions are just your heart fighting the realization and that's okay.
You'll get there in your due time.
Alice
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Steve - Dude, we love you here on SR, but you HAVE to be on the cusp of getting it here!! We see the soft side of you, but that soft side is being pummeled and taken advantage of by a VULTURE.
am i on target or generalizing here? You are on target. She is USING you. She DOES NOT care about your well being. She is NOT capable right now. She is PROSTITUTING herself right now. How much do you read about prostitutes on SR. Not many. She's hard core! Let her go, move on. You don't have the history or family ties that many here have with an addict. GO!! Take this info and RUN!
am i on target or generalizing here? You are on target. She is USING you. She DOES NOT care about your well being. She is NOT capable right now. She is PROSTITUTING herself right now. How much do you read about prostitutes on SR. Not many. She's hard core! Let her go, move on. You don't have the history or family ties that many here have with an addict. GO!! Take this info and RUN!
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Steve,
my husband was a severe crack abuser. He has told me that while he was in active addiction EVERYTHING was calculated to keeping his "game" going. He might not have been high every minute but his brain was ALWAYS derailed. Have you seen the SPECT scan picture of brains that used crack? It takes a long long time for them to heal and have ANY semblence of normal thinking occur.
I know this is hard and you are getting sucked back in again and again. At least you are trying. When I first came here 5 years ago everyone told me the same things that you are hearing. Yet.....I stayed. After he got sober I even married him. un huh....some of us really learn fast, huh? I'm talking about me here.
I wasn't strong enough to walk away or keep to no contact. I knew that we were different....there's that terminal unique thing again. I appreciated that people didn't give up on me and I know that you feel the same.
As they say about people that are addicted - it takes what it takes. The same applies to us. It took me a WHOLE lot. I look back now and realize how "sick" I had become. But by the time I realized it I was in it - deep. The only way out for me has been through hours and hours of meetings and lots of counseling. I had to dig deep to find out what made me so susceptible to that sort of relationship.
Keep plugging at it - at some point it will start being different. I've always said that my husband was a whole lot healthier than me - look who he chose and look who I chose.....And that is me comparing myself to someone that an experienced rehab counselor said was one of the worst addicts that she had ever seen and never expected to get sober. He was as bad as you get....low low low low bottom. Since water seeks its own level it only stands to reason that I had to hit a low low low low bottom on the codie end of things.
Peace and serenity.....it can happen. I promise.
my husband was a severe crack abuser. He has told me that while he was in active addiction EVERYTHING was calculated to keeping his "game" going. He might not have been high every minute but his brain was ALWAYS derailed. Have you seen the SPECT scan picture of brains that used crack? It takes a long long time for them to heal and have ANY semblence of normal thinking occur.
I know this is hard and you are getting sucked back in again and again. At least you are trying. When I first came here 5 years ago everyone told me the same things that you are hearing. Yet.....I stayed. After he got sober I even married him. un huh....some of us really learn fast, huh? I'm talking about me here.
I wasn't strong enough to walk away or keep to no contact. I knew that we were different....there's that terminal unique thing again. I appreciated that people didn't give up on me and I know that you feel the same.
As they say about people that are addicted - it takes what it takes. The same applies to us. It took me a WHOLE lot. I look back now and realize how "sick" I had become. But by the time I realized it I was in it - deep. The only way out for me has been through hours and hours of meetings and lots of counseling. I had to dig deep to find out what made me so susceptible to that sort of relationship.
Keep plugging at it - at some point it will start being different. I've always said that my husband was a whole lot healthier than me - look who he chose and look who I chose.....And that is me comparing myself to someone that an experienced rehab counselor said was one of the worst addicts that she had ever seen and never expected to get sober. He was as bad as you get....low low low low bottom. Since water seeks its own level it only stands to reason that I had to hit a low low low low bottom on the codie end of things.
Peace and serenity.....it can happen. I promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by katrentham
Everyone thinks their situation is unique, but the reality is (sad to say) the same situation has happened to all of us. I used to think I could write a book on my life of living with an addict, no one knows, no one could live thru what I have, no way someone has put up with what I have, but the reality is We all have. Its the same story told a million different ways. Our minds just can't wrap around the addiction, We don't understand. the story is all the same just with diffrent ppl.
It's the same story, just different characters. You can overanalyze it over and over and replay it backwards and forwards, but it always ends the same. There is nothing any of us can do about that, except accept their absence from our lives, hope they find sobriety someday for themselves, and move on with our lives.
I read something on here, and it basically said "If somebody isn't in your life, they're not in it for a reason. It wasn't meant to be."
Steve, have you thought about buying some books on addiction? They might help you understand and get through this once and for all.
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(((Steve)))) - yes, everything she does, thinks, is skewed by her addiction. I did the prostitution thing, the shooting up, the homeless-ness living, all of it. When I got into recovery for my addiction, started reading here, I realized how my codie-ness had always fueled my addiction.
It's only when I started dealing with both these issues, that I found peace in my life. I guess what I'm saying is a lot of us A's have "issues" that go beyond the dope. It was only when I was allowed to hit bottom, deal with my consequences and got miserable enough, that I actively started working recovery.
Time flies, when we keep doing the same thing. I don't want to see you have to get to MY age (49) before it sinks in. I spent 30 years, being a mess.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You really are hurting her, not helping her, every time you let her back in your life. Yes, it hurts to shut them out, yes there is grief, and yes, there is a lot of work you need to do on you to get yourself healthy, mentally.
I honestly don't know how else to say it, but this isn't a relationship....this is an addiction to her. I thought my first relationship was unique..I would keep saying "but...." every time my friends told me how unhealthy it was. After 20 years, 2 more relationships, an addiction, and now recovery, I see it wasn't any different than those of people here.
It's only when I started dealing with both these issues, that I found peace in my life. I guess what I'm saying is a lot of us A's have "issues" that go beyond the dope. It was only when I was allowed to hit bottom, deal with my consequences and got miserable enough, that I actively started working recovery.
Time flies, when we keep doing the same thing. I don't want to see you have to get to MY age (49) before it sinks in. I spent 30 years, being a mess.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You really are hurting her, not helping her, every time you let her back in your life. Yes, it hurts to shut them out, yes there is grief, and yes, there is a lot of work you need to do on you to get yourself healthy, mentally.
I honestly don't know how else to say it, but this isn't a relationship....this is an addiction to her. I thought my first relationship was unique..I would keep saying "but...." every time my friends told me how unhealthy it was. After 20 years, 2 more relationships, an addiction, and now recovery, I see it wasn't any different than those of people here.
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Yes Steve, that is the stage she is at. Basic survival as an addict. Her whole life revolves around her addiction.
Have you ever read any books or articles on addiction? I mean from a physiological perspective? I think you really need to. You gotta get out of this emotional stuff you are stuck on. Her body PHYSICALLY craves the drug in order to function.
It isn't even about the high. It is short acting so she has to get more and more to stay afloat. Her body is addicted, she probaby is malnourished etc etc. This isn't about her heart or soul Steve, or her love, it is about ADDICTION. And she is no different than any other addict and will not respond any differently until she gets help from professionals.
Have you ever read any books or articles on addiction? I mean from a physiological perspective? I think you really need to. You gotta get out of this emotional stuff you are stuck on. Her body PHYSICALLY craves the drug in order to function.
It isn't even about the high. It is short acting so she has to get more and more to stay afloat. Her body is addicted, she probaby is malnourished etc etc. This isn't about her heart or soul Steve, or her love, it is about ADDICTION. And she is no different than any other addict and will not respond any differently until she gets help from professionals.
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another thread filled with help- thank you.
again i'll try to answer as much as i could.
f2f. i have gone to some meetings at one location. i am trying a new place tonight. to be honest, the drive to the meeting is depressing because i get hit with emotions, the ride home is even lonlier because the emotions are stirred, and the meeting is held at the same hospital where her and i spent time at the crisies center so it is still a trigger. i am trying another one tonite.
acceptance is multilayered. a big part of me has accepted that this is what it is. but THAT acceptance leads me to see the REALITY of her situation. i think of how sick she really is and how that is keeping her where she is. i at least realize that there is nothing i can do and THAT REALITY doesn't sit well because all i can do is nothing- there is no knowing what will happen. it can go really bad. all that remains is hope that things get better.
it is sinking in more and ina way i feel i am gettting closer to where you all are, but that makes me feel i am getting further from her. i am only just beginning to allow that. as alice said, i will get there in my own time.
and i want ot make sure i have this right too. amy said (as have others) that i am hurting her each time i let her back in my life. i am feeling this is because it gives her a cushion, or lets her recharge rather than keep her facing consequences. not to mention it hurts me too. will i ever not wonder what/how she is doing?
as for me though, i am really doing better than i was. it is wading through thick mud so it is slow. and i remember this whole episode has only been 5 months and shes only been gone 3 weeks or so, so relativley speaking i guess i am doing ok. i guess i'll blog more thoughts rather than fill up space here.
again i'll try to answer as much as i could.
f2f. i have gone to some meetings at one location. i am trying a new place tonight. to be honest, the drive to the meeting is depressing because i get hit with emotions, the ride home is even lonlier because the emotions are stirred, and the meeting is held at the same hospital where her and i spent time at the crisies center so it is still a trigger. i am trying another one tonite.
acceptance is multilayered. a big part of me has accepted that this is what it is. but THAT acceptance leads me to see the REALITY of her situation. i think of how sick she really is and how that is keeping her where she is. i at least realize that there is nothing i can do and THAT REALITY doesn't sit well because all i can do is nothing- there is no knowing what will happen. it can go really bad. all that remains is hope that things get better.
it is sinking in more and ina way i feel i am gettting closer to where you all are, but that makes me feel i am getting further from her. i am only just beginning to allow that. as alice said, i will get there in my own time.
and i want ot make sure i have this right too. amy said (as have others) that i am hurting her each time i let her back in my life. i am feeling this is because it gives her a cushion, or lets her recharge rather than keep her facing consequences. not to mention it hurts me too. will i ever not wonder what/how she is doing?
as for me though, i am really doing better than i was. it is wading through thick mud so it is slow. and i remember this whole episode has only been 5 months and shes only been gone 3 weeks or so, so relativley speaking i guess i am doing ok. i guess i'll blog more thoughts rather than fill up space here.
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yes, you will get past thinking and wondering about her obsessively.
Generally it is said that addictions end up in:
Jail, institutions or death
OR
recovery
so, yeah it is bad and could get far worse and it could get better. No one knows.
The hardest thing to accept fully is that nothing you or I do will make any difference. in her life.
We can choose recovery for ourselves tho' and it is every bit as rewarding. In fact it is far, far better than the "good" outcome we think that we can imagine now!
Really.
I have had some very hard stuff in my life to deal with..but I am a free and happy camper now and able to enjoy my life in ways I couldn't conceive of before.
It is a learning process.
I devote my time and thoughts to my path which is my job and it pays off.
That is true for all of us, no matter what.
Generally it is said that addictions end up in:
Jail, institutions or death
OR
recovery
so, yeah it is bad and could get far worse and it could get better. No one knows.
The hardest thing to accept fully is that nothing you or I do will make any difference. in her life.
We can choose recovery for ourselves tho' and it is every bit as rewarding. In fact it is far, far better than the "good" outcome we think that we can imagine now!
Really.
I have had some very hard stuff in my life to deal with..but I am a free and happy camper now and able to enjoy my life in ways I couldn't conceive of before.
It is a learning process.
I devote my time and thoughts to my path which is my job and it pays off.
That is true for all of us, no matter what.
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i hope you all know how much you have helped me and how much i appreciate and need this board. at times i felt i was fighting against the current and that caused resistance, but the past two weeks the support has been amazing and i especially felt the warmth and kindness from you all this week. i am sure i will continue to bug out at times and ask the same things, but i feel closer to getting where i should be- thanks to you
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Steve, you are sounding better and stronger with each post. I know sometimes you read the same words getting posted back to you in reply telling you the same song over and over, but for some folks, that's just what it takes to dig through the layers of emotions that build up when it comes to dealing with a loved on in addiction and when dealing with our own addictions to them. You are getting there and you will continue to move forward.
There have been many threads on here where someone feels like they've taking 2 steps back on a given day, and that does happen. It's about practice not perfection. Get up, dust off, and keep on working at it.
You posted,
and i want ot make sure i have this right too. amy said (as have others) that i am hurting her each time i let her back in my life. i am feeling this is because it gives her a cushion, or lets her recharge rather than keep her facing consequences. not to mention it hurts me too. will i ever not wonder what/how she is doing?
You have it right. When you accept that your involvement in her life is actually hindering her from getting well and you step away from her you will be taking a huge step in healing yourself and letting her find the healing of recovery. It's the only way.
It's one of those black holes of logic, I know. How can something that appears at it's face to be void of any positive be something other than a negative? In the twisted up world of addition, it can be.
To love her and to give her any chance of hitting her bottom and getting help, you've got to cut her off from your safe haven. You still care and she knows this, but you can't be with her. It only perpetuates her disease and yours.
It's been well over a year now since I have spoken to my XABF. I still wonder what became of him and if he hit bottom, is still struggling, or if he found his way out. I suppose I will always wonder from time to time and I think that's okay. He was a big part of my life for over a decade. He is also the reason I have found recovery and have begun to heal my own issues back to my childhood. For that I am grateful to him.
I can be comfortable with wondering about him in that way because I have truly accepted that if I go find him and try to get back involved with him unless we are both living a healthy life, we will only harm each other all over again.
Keep working at it. Keep posting.
Alice
There have been many threads on here where someone feels like they've taking 2 steps back on a given day, and that does happen. It's about practice not perfection. Get up, dust off, and keep on working at it.
You posted,
and i want ot make sure i have this right too. amy said (as have others) that i am hurting her each time i let her back in my life. i am feeling this is because it gives her a cushion, or lets her recharge rather than keep her facing consequences. not to mention it hurts me too. will i ever not wonder what/how she is doing?
You have it right. When you accept that your involvement in her life is actually hindering her from getting well and you step away from her you will be taking a huge step in healing yourself and letting her find the healing of recovery. It's the only way.
It's one of those black holes of logic, I know. How can something that appears at it's face to be void of any positive be something other than a negative? In the twisted up world of addition, it can be.
To love her and to give her any chance of hitting her bottom and getting help, you've got to cut her off from your safe haven. You still care and she knows this, but you can't be with her. It only perpetuates her disease and yours.
It's been well over a year now since I have spoken to my XABF. I still wonder what became of him and if he hit bottom, is still struggling, or if he found his way out. I suppose I will always wonder from time to time and I think that's okay. He was a big part of my life for over a decade. He is also the reason I have found recovery and have begun to heal my own issues back to my childhood. For that I am grateful to him.
I can be comfortable with wondering about him in that way because I have truly accepted that if I go find him and try to get back involved with him unless we are both living a healthy life, we will only harm each other all over again.
Keep working at it. Keep posting.
Alice
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