justme703

I am engaged to a man who is addicted to crack. we have a one year old child together. i found out he was using drugs when I was about 5 months pregnant. he's been promising to stop and has been to rehab twice in the last year, staying a week each time. i hardly think a week will do any good but thats all the time the insurance will cover. in the meantime my life has turned to hell on earth. he lies constantly. after our child was born supposedly he was putting in all this overtime (30-40hrs p/wk)at work to make extra money for us. when she was three months old he was fired-for attendance. he had been lying the whole time. not only was he not working overtime he wasnt showing up at all! then i found he had another woman on the side who he was getting high and drinking with. i was so crushed that he would betray me with such a woman. i mean i dont want to toot my own horn but i am educated, i have a good job, i am fairly nice looking..why would he risk hurting me with a woman like that? so here i sit tired as hell taking out my frustrations on my keyboard. i don't know what to do. he is no help with the baby. no help around the house. today was my day off and i had to do 4 loads of laundry! i wanted to scream! he's here all day but won't lift a finger.its like if he's not out somewhere getting high then he's practically in a coma on the couch.my entire check is going to the bills because i am the only one working. i want to just pick up and leave but hell all my money is tied up I can't even save up enough for a deposit. his parents are wonderful they help me with the baby and anything i need. unfortunately they help him too which means if he not using my money he's using theirs to score and he will come up with every excuse in the book to get 20 from "hey babe Im gonna go put oil in your car"..to "i don't like that brand Im going to walmart and get some different diapers". readers i don't know if i am even making any sense at this point i am just so tired physically and mentally...he has stolen all of my peace

DaisyBuchanan

You will make your own decisions regarding your fiance. However, read what you wrote, take out the fact that he's an addict. Is any of it acceptable behavior? You're not even married, and you're already living in hell. How much worse can it get? At what point is it too much?

Addicts only care about one thing: DRUGS. They don't care about anybody or anything else, as hard as that is to hear. They are chained by their own addiction. All of their actions revolve around their addiction. Lies, cheating, manipulation, cheating, etc. is all part of the very evil, vicious cycle.

What you don't understand is he's with another woman, so he can do drugs and drink with her out in the open without being judged. They can be addicts together, and it's okay. Nobody will say that he's doing the wrong thing. We choose people on our levels. He probably met you at his highest point. He met this woman at his lowest.

I hope you find all the answers you are looking for here. You deserve happiness. You deserve a partner who is sober and who shows you love in a healthy way. He's sick hun. You need to get away from him. He'll only bring you down. I'm sorry. It's awful. I know. *hugs*

Kindeyes

justme703
Breathe deep........and welcome to SR.......I hope you find hope and comfort here.

Your story struck me........I could have been writing that post.........28 years ago. So much of it was so very familiar. I understand the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, being stuck, unhappy, overwhelmed, confused and angry.

I was married with a small child (1-1/2 years old) and when I finally got to the point that the thought of leaving him was easier than the thought of staying with him......I divorced him. I took all of our debt on (I was the only one employed at the time). I didn't ask for child support (although the court ordered it anyway). I lost our house to foreclosure (because he didn't pay the child support). My life was a mess but as bad as the mess was, it was better than living with him.

A year later......I met my husband (current). He is the love of my life, my rock, my strength, my soul mate.......and we've been married now for 25 years.

Things will change when you're ready to make changes and you'll be ok. I know how hard it is right now and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It's so very stressful.

I'm glad you're here. Vent. Post. Ask questions. Many of us have been where you are and have survived.....and even though it feels like you won't......you'll be ok.

gentle hugs

Babyblue

Sorry you are going through this. I felt your pain reading your post. I also thought: what if he were not an addict, would you put up with this behavior?

Don't even compare yourself with her. He saw a good thing in you and that is why he tried to build a life with you. With her he just saw a drug buddy. Unfortunately his addiction got the better of him and now he stands to lose you. When/if he gets it together, he will feel the loss acutely.

crazybabie

Welcome to SR, I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here

I know that you love him and I can feel the pain within your words, usually it just gets worse untill the addict is ready to quit. If only love could make them quit but it can't.

I have a feeling you already know what you need to do but will do it in your own time.
I have an addicted husband and 2 addicted sons. I often fine the following post helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Please remember as we call it the three C's

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

You have your innocent child to protect, I am sure you do not want your child thinking this behavior is ok. Although small now if he continues and you stay in what ways will this affect your child?

Please feel free to pm me if you ever just wanna chat,
Keep posting and read the stickies at the top.
There are so many people here experiencing the same or a very similar situation. You will find some comfort here.

Hugs,

hello-kitty

Hi Welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation. Glad that you found this website.

Addicts pick nice girls to prove to themselves their addiction isn't that bad. You are enabling him by supporting him. He won't change as long as you take care of him. He may not change if you quit taking care of him. But at least you'll change for the better and your child too.

Please GOD tell me, he's not watching the child while you are at work.

Also, do you want to know why he is comotose on your couch? Because he's smoking crack at night. That's why.

Is this an acceptable life style for you? Because unless you set some boundaries for yourself about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life, you will continue to get this kind of behavior in your life. And your child will see him as an acceptable role model.

I know. I was in your shoes. I got the heck out. 5 years later? He's still smoking crack. But at least he's not doing it in my house around my son anymore. And I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

I wish that for you too.

Keep reading and posting.

Ann

Welcome to SR, you will find lots of support here and I am glad you found us.

It's entirely up to you to decide what is best for you and your baby, but I think the healthy choice is pretty obvious. You have a good job and aren't dependent on him for anything, so maybe at least trying some time apart for a while will be healthier for everyone.

Something most of us learned the hard way...lock up your valuables, don't share a bank account or leave your bank card anywhere he could get it. Sadly, it has been necessary for many of us to sleep with out purses under our pillows. Active addicts steal, it's a sad symptom of the disease.

Sending hugs and prayers for you and your baby.

Hugs

myernie

Welcome to SR! You are in the right place. Take the advice that all these knowledgeable people offer you to heart. I was in a really bad place as little as 3 weeks ago with my now AXBF. I have worked really hard on getting myself together and things have really turned around. It is not magic but hard work. I have seen him several times the last few days but I have learned to detach my emotions and not fall for his lies and deceit. That is not to say that when he leaves I don't fall apart but at least he doesn't see any reaction from me. I agree with you and I still have a hard time understanding how they can give up a good woman for someone at the "dope house" especially when there are kids involved. I question that everyday and I always get the same answer from everyone, "it's the drug." I don't get it and I don't understand but I am learning to accept it. Slowly.....read whatever you can and learn as much as you can about your situation and it will help.

nodaybut2day

hi justme...and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place and I hope you keep coming back to post and read as much as you need.

I know all this is so overwhelming right so I'm going to try to keep it simple. In case you don't know these already, here are the 3 C's of addiction:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

The only thing you can control is you. Since nothing you say or do (or don't say or don't do) is going to have ANY effect on his addiction, you might as well focus on YOU and your little girl.

So tell us, what do you want? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How are you going to get there?

I can hear the fatigue in your post. I understand how you feel. I too was married with a young baby, supporting an alcoholic/addict, with no money and no energy to do anything. I started with counselling, over the phone, provided for by my EAP at work. Then I did some online Al-Anon meetings along with LOTS of posting here at SR. Eventually I saw a social worker, a couple of lawyers and went to face to face Al-Anon meetings. Slowly, I started to realize that I DID NOT want my baby girl growing up with an alcoholic/drug user as a father figure.

That was last year in the fall. Fast forward to today. I'm divorced. I'm virtually debt-free (and I have savings!). I have sole custody of my baby girl. I'm studying to get a graduate degree.

Things can get better.

Please keep posting and reading here. You're not alone.

justme703

I never expected to get so many replies! thanks to all of you!! it really helps to know i am not alone and that their are people who are going/or have gone through the same thing. you all have touched on so many points, and answered so many of the questions dancing in my mind. so many mornings i have sworn i had more gas the night before but shrugged it off as me remembering incorrectly. i know that i don't want to live like this. i know that i don't want my child to be raised in this environment but..well i guess i'm still at the stage where i think he can/will change. one post said that you attract people who are on your level and that couldn't be more true. i have wondered countless times how did i end up w/him, in this situation and it just hit me that when we met 3 yrs ago we had both suffered recent tragedies, the death of his two yr old and the death of my husband of ten yrs. seems i was so depressed i clung to him even though something about him seemed "not right" i had no clue it was drugs in fact i ignored my gut and decided i only felt that way because i wasn't used to anyone besides my hubby. honestly speaking i am miserable but deep down i feel i hesitate to leave because frankly i don't know how to be alone. i married at 18 and was w/out my husband just 8 months when i met this guy. i suspect he was clean when we met and relapsed approx 6 months into the relationship. i noticed the changes, the mood swings etc. when i askd him abt it he said his daughters bday and christmas were coming and they were hard times for him.it sounded like a reasonable explaination to me...well what do i know. fast forward to today. i got home from work abt 5pm he ran out the house like a runaway slave saying he was going to an N/A meeting, its now 8:45pm...not home yet...i am willing to bet his mouth will be dry and his eyes bulging out of the sockets by the time he gets home.but for tonight i will not worry myself. i am going to run a hot bath and read my new book...and jokingly think to myself....maybe this time he'll put some gas in my car.

lilmama2109

look hun, i know its hard. but yes everyone is right if he wasnt an addict you wouldnt put up with his behavior. the best help you can give him is let him hit rock bottom. he will only change if he wants to. he will never change just because you asked and he said yes.

Ann

Justme, something that helped many of us, is going to meetings. CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that are about "us" and not about the substance or "their" addiction.

I regained my balance at meetings, I found a wonderful sponsor who guided me through the 12-steps of recovery. Those 12 steps are a wonderful plan for healthy living and probably saved my life. As I grew in my recovery, I got to know that stranger called "me" and I learned to like her, warts and all/

You see, once we get comfortable in our own skins, we don't need anyone else to validate us. We find that we alone hold the key to our happiness and thinking that anyone else did was just an illusion. We learn to love life and to live life on life's terms.

Before recovery I lived every day in fear. I was ashamed of my life and became isolated and secretive about who I was and how I lived. I lost sight of who I was because I was so focused on my son and his addiction. When my sponsor asked me what I wanted out of life...I had no answer because I had never thought about it.

My son has been missing for over 6 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. My recovery lets me say a prayer every morning and turn his care over to God and then to live my life well, as life was intended to be lived.

Today I wake up every morning tickled pink to be alive and I see the beauty in every single day...even the bad ones. I love my life today, and I live it in a way that embraces every opportunity and have a sense of adventure I never had before. And I say a prayer every evening to say "Thank You" and feel such gratitude for those who went before me and showed me the way.

You can have that too, I promise. It takes time and it takes work but it happens. Just ask anyone here who has found it too. It happens when you are ready to move forward, when you hit your "enough" point and decide you don't want to live in sadness and fear anymore. All you have to do is reach out...and you have already done that. The rest is baby steps that will lead you to a better path.

Recovery takes us from being a victim and transforms us into survivors. We step out of the problem and into the solution and never look back.

Whatever your choices, however long it takes you, just know we are walking with you all the way.

Hugs

marteen

((((((justme703))))))

You've gotten a lot of wonderful advice from some wonderful people. I especially want to say that Ann's recovery is shining so bright. I am especially so proud of her and the person she has become. I have known her for a very long time on this site and have seen the wonderful progress she has made from the scared, fearful and lost mother of a lost addict to a strong, sensitive and happy person, content with HER life and decisions.

You can be that person, too, once you decide that you've had enough and you want better and more for you and your child. As with my AD, the drugs do not allow for us to be a family and I cannot have a front row seat to her addiction and expect that I will be sane and able to live a normal life. As long as drugs and drug use is in the picture, I have to "let go".

You will have to do the same because you cannot fight the drugs or drug behavior.

Hugs,
Marteen