wicked

are you saying your place is your addicted gf's home?
if so, i am confused.
i thought she crashed with you when things got tough.
oh yeah, starting methadone on thursday?
uh, do you realize how long that is in addict time?

really steve, you could martyr yourself to your gf's addiction, and it looks like what you will do. I had to turn my oldest son away from my home. I had to tell someone I gave birth to to get out of my house! My daughter, aged 17 called me from jail, crying and begging me to get her out, i could not do it, not again, not after 4 years of trying to help (enable) her.
You are upset because she might be upset, because she could be applying for housing and maybe getting methadone on thursday, but already warning you that crack is still an option?
steve, please consider what cynical said about getting away somewhere.
you have no perspective on this, you have no idea where you end and she begins, it will be the death of you.

Beth

Babyblue

Don't equate setting limits/boundaries with being cold. You can do so in a loving manner. Remember the part about her treating you like crap? Who was the cold one then?

New guy got wise to her FAST. Set boundaries and now she turns to you. Of course.

steve1840

I say she's working you over to avoid recovery, not to get into recovery. -how do you know when you are getting played, especially since they are so good at it?

i guess this is facing my codie stuff straight in the eye.

wow. it's like i have been spared using the sword to slay the dragon and been hiding out and avoiding it.

its like my body is already reacting to this since last night.

i have another hour to go at work, and i am taking all your thoughts with me when i leave.

Seren

How can you tell you are getting played?! She's an active addict. An addict not in recovery. OF COURSE you are getting played. Don't be surprised. This is what addicts do. Her "new boyfriend" get tired of being played by her, so she's crawling back to good ol' Steve 'cause she believes you won't tell her no.

The decision is, of course, yours, Steve. None of us can make this decision for you....but she is playing you and anyone else she can find to take care of her so she does not have to face her addiction........

Hugs and prayers for you, HG

wicked

Steve,

Please say no, not only to save her, but to save yourself.
Please take care of yourself, if the thought of spending time with her gives you anxiety, or the thought of interacting with her at all makes your heart hurt, it is time to give it a rest.
Be easy on yourself, but watch out for those coaster rides, you can get whiplash.

Beth

PS

WWSD?

steve1840

how am i so naive with this one?!?!?

why do i believe everything she says. everything (for the most part)
i give the benefit all the time. i dont even want to be back together.

dont answer the phone tonight?

steve1840

thanks beth.

wwsd indeed

Callie

Steve, you are no match for her. She will prey on your weakness like a vulture. Don't answer the phone. See what ONE phone call from her does. It sends you into a tailspin for a full day. She is doing what ALL addicts do. She's no different.

steve1840

it goes so much against my norm to not beleive and trust people when they are supposed to be talking from the heart. cursed childhood and lack of boundaries!

this is a real test. if i dont answer the impending call i will think i am abandoning. i can do it though. i am surporised i havent gotten it yet. i might not even get it.

but i will feel guilty for feeling relieved that i didnt get the call.

it time ot ask the hp to help me out on this one

Callie

it goes so much against my norm to not beleive and trust people when they are supposed to be talking from the heart.

Steve, you don't believe SR and we're talking from our heart....

She's steered you wrong from the get go. Has anyone here done that to you? She is NO different than any other addict.

steve1840

Great point callie!!!!

Seren

:rotfxko The "SR Collective"! I love it!!!!

You will be assimilated, Steve! Resistance is futile!

Yes, I'm a big Star Trek dork....it's true!

In all seriousness.....Callie makes a really good point and another way of looking at the situation that you may want to consider.

Impurrfect

((Steve)) - I was the most trusting person in the world, for a long time. I still give people the benefit of the doubt, and don't DIStrust someone until they give me a reason. The difference is, I'm way more aware of red flags, and I believe, deep in my heart, gut, and soul, that I deserve to have peace and happiness in my life.

It took me 3 XABF's and a LOT of time on SR to realize that, though I loved XABF#3, love just wasn't enough. I know life has no guarantees, but I already knew he lied, would do whatever he could to get dope, and never followed through on plans to get clean, or at least not very long. When he died, I loved him as a human being who was struggling,who COULD be a great guy, but I can't say that I was IN LOVE with him any more.

I want someone that contributes to my life, not someone I feel I need to help, or to complete me, or anything like that. It's taken a long time, and I'm not sure that I truly believe I deserve this kind of person, but I'm working on it and getting a bit stronger, every day. I may still end up as "the old cat lady" but the more I realize I don't NEED someone in my life, the more open I am to ALLOWING someone in my life, if that makes sense.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

Steve,
If you would go no contact there would be nothing to obsess over. She is playing you, yet again, she wants a place to flop, to recharge her batteries, and guess who she calls? Old Steve, yes she says, I know he will crumble like a cookie, he is mine to be conned over and over again.

I suggest again, No Contact, if it takes changing your number, do it. Break this toxic cycle.

Everyone here has your best interest at heart, please listen, for you, for your future.

Time4Me1

This is a very powerful message! Im memorizing it!!

Babyblue

Look at it this way, she isn't talking from the heart, she is talking from the drug. You always see her through a sober lense which I think is part of the challenge for you. She isn't processing life like you or I are.

There comes a point in time when the addict actually starts to believe their lies. That is why it is such a hard pattern to break even in recovery. It is a survival tactic due to the desperation of their situation (the physical need for the drug) as well as the shame, denial that goes along with it. Lying to themselves, loved ones, friends, doctor's, cops, etc etc to get drugs, keep taking drugs. Even if they hate the lifestyle and know it is killing them, they cannot stop until they commit to treatment. It affects every addict the same way. Which is why your trying to wrap your sober brain and see life through your sober perspective to explain or understand her is an exercise in futility.

And Steve, if those trying to get through to you ARE recovered and KNOW what she is going through and her state of mind, you really gotta listen to them. What they are telling you is to not believe what she is saying and that when she truly wants treatment she WILL find the help she needs.

She ain't that helpless. Trust me.

Chino

If you don't feel guilty you're not doing it right. We're supposed to feel guilty and like it's all wrong, because it's a very BAD habit we're trying to break.

chicory

steve,
I wonder, are you , in the back of your mind, thinking that maybe things will be like they were before? you mentioned many things that you two did and enjoyed together. music, movies, etc. you missed those things. i am going to suggest that perhaps she was playing along, with enjoying all of those things- that all the while, she was thinking of how she is able to get her drugs, while she is with you, and does not even have to be on the street to do it. that she was just playing you, and doing what some people do, who have ulterior motives- using you and your good nature. she found a source, and you made it very nice for her.

what happened when you no longer wanted to see her on the drugs? she chose her drugs. that is what she seems to love more than anything or anyone , even more than her own life.

she has been living , sleeping , eating, and supposedly finding her way to getting help- so why did she call you?

are you just going along, cause you are lonely, and you would love to just pretend again? forgive me, but are you careful not to get any diseases from this girl? she could give you something deadly. and then, you would not be worrying about these things anymore, but your life will be another matter altogether.

steve, there are people who know how to play someone to get what they want. they know the right things to say, how to make you feel special, and how to make you feel like you are their rescuer. and that really works for them. and sometimes the other person knows it, but they also get something they want in the deal.

if you are even considering taking her in, to resume a relationship, think about it this way. maybe she will never hit bottom, and she will die. maybe you will delay her hitting bottom. some people go on this way for years and end up hating each other, or dying early.

as it is, it is too easy for her to get what she wants, and right now, that seems to be drugs. her other guy got wise. most people would have by now.

are you romanticizing this situation? that is just going to keep you stuck. why wait until something really horrid happens?

take off those rose colored glasses, and really look at her. you dont owe her a thing steve. you cannot save her from herself. Only she can do that.

i wonder if you are just more tempted to get involved for the romantic end of things. that is not safe to do- she has to be alone with herself, so she can realize that she is dying. why distract her???

i dont mean to be cruel , but i worry that you are just not being honest with yourself. that could cost you, both.

cessy68

Um.... ok. Steve.

Here is a thought:

This has NOTHING to do with you TRUSTING someone....and you can TRUST ME on this one (cause I've been there a thousand times)-- ok, like 15.

WHAT THIS IS:

YOU WANTING her to change
YOU WANTING her affirmation
YOU WANTING YOUR fairytail ending
YOU WANTING your sense of self (which is entirely wrapped up in her)
YOU WANTING to be different, (i.e, your situation is differnt then others)
YOU WANTING to think YOU have power to give HER strength
YOU WANTING to accept less than you deserve
YOU WANTING to WIN over the other person- (that person is drugs)
YOU WANTING to stay involved, because if she gets well-- it's about YOU!

ALL OF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT-- you really don't TRUST what she is saying, you just WANT to believe it's OK- because then YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT WITH STEVE-- AND FACE STEVES SADNESS (which if you want to talk about childhood issues-- probably stemmed from way back then).

TRUST THAT.
TRUST ME.
Been there done that.
OH and p.s. I stayed with my addict-- and HE hasn't changed, but I have.
His case, his addiction has slowed down-- in fact, I don't even know if he's eating those pills he used to love so much. Why? Because of two things I learned.

1.) I couldn't change him-- I'm not supposed to, I'm not powerful enough to. I chose to take him "as is", with certain BOUNDRIES. My home is sacred. Drugs are a NO-NO. MONEY. HE holds his weight. ME- He is supportive, loving, and an active participant in our home, w/ friends, and with family. etc.

2.) I changed. I made my life about ME. I decided it's all about Cessy-
I went back to school, changed jobs, made everything important to ME first priority. I stopped sickning patterns of fretting over HIM, and if he chose to leave tomorrow-- so-be-it. Seriously.

Steve- when you "let go", suddenly you realize that this was always about you and NEVER about her. The day I let go- I kicked him out. He came back and I didn't take him back until he could prove he was sober. He did it. If I'm ever back her again, sad that he falls back into old patterns, I'm sure I'll be sad. BUT TRUST ME- being sad, if different then being the tragic train-wreck I used to be.

Someday you will see this.
Until then.
Hopeful hugs to you.
Cess

DaisyBuchanan

I have to disagree with your suggestion. Only Steve knows what their relationship was like before the drugs. Who are we to tell him? It seemed as if they had a real relationship before all this. I'm not sure, but I remember him saying that. If she was on drugs the whole time they were together, then maybe. What is the story? Was she always an active addict?