I Didn't Do Very Well

Old 11-14-2010, 05:56 PM
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FGB
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I Didn't Do Very Well

Came home early from work, it was slow, so I shouldn't even have been home. AS knocked on my door, I opened the door, could smell the alcohol and see that he was drunk. (Mind you I haven't heard from him in 5 days, he was hating me for having him arrested.)

Asked what he wanted. He thought I had a carton of his cigs. Explained I didn't. Asked if he could borrow some, so I gave him a pack of mine and said good night and closed the door.

Now I'm angry at myself for giving him the cigs. I shouldn't have done that, but I did. Why couldn't I just say no and close the door. Or at least said I didn't have any. And I should have told him not to come to my door when he wasn't sober.

Obviously I wasn't expecting him, but I need to be prepared for these surprises. I know now that even while he's hating me for having him arrested, he'll still come to me when he needs something when he's drunk. So I need to be ready and know what I'm going to do when it happens again.

My 12 - 13 hour shifts on weekends leave me pretty tired and I guess vulnerable. Now I'm aware of tha, but I'm still dissappointed in myself and mad at myself.
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Old 11-14-2010, 06:43 PM
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It wasn't such a bad thing to do, in fact I see it as an act of kindness. You gave it without expectations or conditions, he accepted gratefully without wanting more.

There were times when I felt a "need" to be kind and to this day I see nothing wrong with that. Kindness is simply doing something nice that we would probably do for anyone, and it makes us feel good to do it.

Get some rest, kind people need rest too.

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Old 11-14-2010, 06:47 PM
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It hurts to see our children hurting. What you did wasn't so terrible. It's not like you invited him in, cooked him a hot meal and gave him a bed for the night. Cut yourself some slack. They might be making awful choices, but they are still our children and we love them.
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Old 11-14-2010, 07:00 PM
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It was so much easier leaving my x, who I thought was all that, than it is to detach from my child. I keep thinking that if I didn't give him the cigs. he would've tried to walk to the gas station or something and gotten in trouble, and now I made that not happen. I have so much to learn. Thanks for listening. FGB
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Old 11-14-2010, 07:08 PM
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FGB, you gave him the cigarettes out of the goodness in your heart. I'm sorry to hear that he was drunk, but I don't think giving him the cigarettes is the worst thing. Anything can happen in life, that will change things forever. It's good to be kind and generous. At least you know you showed him an act of kindness while he is intoxicated. If you don't want to see him in that condition, next time you don't have to answer the door.
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Old 11-14-2010, 07:27 PM
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I agree with the above comments. You didn't do anything wrong by giving him cigarettes. Had you given him money that would be a different story cause then he could use it for more booze. And like mentioned above you didn't offer him a hot meal or a bed to lay his head on for the night. Don't feel bad I don't think your enabling him by giving him some cigs. And of course its going to be harder for you detach from your son then your ex. You gave him life, you felt him growing inside you for 9 months (if you went full term). So of course your going to have more of an attachment to him, it's only natural. I personally don't see anything wrong with what you did, so give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up over this. Try not to lose any sleep over this, we think your in the clear.
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Old 11-14-2010, 07:41 PM
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Thanks everyone, maybe I am too hard on myself. I just wasn't expecting it. I guess it's good that even though he was hating me, I was still kind to him. So it's okay if I do little things for him, as long as it doesn't enable him to drink. No pillows, or couch to sleep on, no getting out of trouble, no paying rent, no money for alcohol? I need to read more of the Co. no more, but just can't do it on weekends. Going to sleep now, for me!! Have to be to work early tomorrow. Thank you all so much! Still want to believe in "don't mistake my kindness for weakness." Right?
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Old 11-14-2010, 07:46 PM
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Right on FGB, you got it down pat.
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Old 11-14-2010, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by FGB View Post
Still want to believe in "don't mistake my kindness for weakness." Right?
That is right. Hope you get some rest tonight. (And I can assure you, he doesn't hate you)

Gotahavfaith
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Old 11-14-2010, 08:48 PM
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fgb
Even when we do mess up (and I'm not implying in any way that you did), it's the fact that we recognize it and determine to do better next time. We have to forgive ourselves for being human and for being mothers who love our children.

For me it is always two steps forward, one step back, three steps forward, one step back and so on. I never get it perfectly. I love the saying "progress not perfection".

Get some rest. Cut yourself some slack. And give yourself a pat on the back because you've done some things lately that took enormous courage and tremendous love. You're doing ok.

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Old 11-15-2010, 04:02 AM
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Hi FGB: I have a little different take on it.

I can't recall where your son lives (close to you?) but if my AS knocked on my door coincidentally when I was home early from work, my first response would have been fear, the kind of fear when I think I am being watched - especially by someone who I know is already mad at me (you said your son was mad at you for having a hand in him being arrested).

So there you are, face-to-face with somebody unstable (drinking), whose last contact with you involved his anger, and he is asking for something. How much of an adrenaline surge did you have when you said, "no, I do not have a carton of your cigarettes?" So I think offering him a pack of your cigarettes could have been to appease the angry gods and get him off your porch so you could shut and lock your door.

If i'm even a little bit right about any of that, you might consider not opening the door like that to him for a long, long time.

I'm speaking from personal experience here. My first response to people (based on previous experience) who are high (drinking or whatever) has become fear - whether they have shown any anger toward me in the past or not. So I could be totally off in your situation. If I am, please forgive me.
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Old 11-15-2010, 12:10 PM
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FGB, I don't know a mother who has not given freely to her children. Regardless of his circumstances, he is still your son, and you still love him. You might not like his addiction to alcohol. You might not like his behavior. But you love him. He is still a human being with feelings and he needs help. A pack of cigarettes isn't going to change a thing. He needs to get his addiction under control. I too am the mother of an addict, and I know how much it hurts. I'm sorry your going through this. :ghug3
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:25 PM
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Next time you will be more prepared.It's practice,practice,practice.
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:26 PM
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I agree with everyone else. Don't be so hard on yourself. You, like all of us, are a work in progress. And you are a mom so you can't expect that you won't slip from time to time. Giving him cigs was not a bad thing; but I know you are much more mad at yourself for not being able to just "fix" what is wrong with him. I was like that for such a long time with my AD and I still inwardly wish I could just wave a magic wand and rewind the clock and calendar but I don't stay in that fantasy world for very long.

I've always told my AD that I would give her food, warm clothes and help her find a place to get help. Nothing wrong with that. The rest is up to her but I think I would even give her a pack of cigs!

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Old 11-15-2010, 05:44 PM
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Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate them, and you, so much. So he called me at work today, and asked if I'd pick up a carton of cigs for him. I said I had to check my cash, didn't know if I enough (Of course I did, but didn't want to admit that right away.) He said he'd call me at 6 at home.
So I thought about it, and decided he didn't just get a carton for nothing, that he'd have to walk the dog (only if he was sober) and carry some stuff up from my car (litter is like 30 pounds and I have 2 of them, plus 20 # of dog food)., so it's 7:30 now, and haven't heard from him. I've been up since 0330, and I'm tired and going to go sleep soon My question is, can I give him a pack or two (not the whole carton) for helping me, not giving it to him for nothing? Or is that still enabling? Making him work for every little thing I do for him. Somehow it feels controlling, or something. I need your advice Yes, it feels like I get something back for it, but it still doesn't feel right to me. Any opinions appreciated, so very much.



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Old 11-15-2010, 05:53 PM
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In my opinion and this is only MY opinion, if you are willing to buy him a couple packs of cigs why not let him help you with couple chores. If YOU are only doing it for YOU and not in any way trying to manipulate him into thinking that everything is ok then I don't see any harm in it. As an addict, he's going to flit and and out of your life as long as you allow him to.

If he is sober at the time and you need some help, you were going to buy a couple packs for him anyway so you might as well get something out of it. Just don't let it escalate to more UNLESS you are comfortable with it. There are no hard fast rules to all this but if you feel uncomfortable, YOU have the power to bring it to a halt.

Ok? Well, that's my opinion from my experience with my AD. No money!

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Old 11-15-2010, 07:26 PM
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FGB, in the real world, we all have to work for what it is that we want and need. I wouldn't continue to support his cigarette habit. If he wants to smoke, he needs to work so he can afford cigarettes. Whether he works for you, or someone else is another story. But, if you continue to supply his cigarettes on a steady basis, it is enabling. How old is he? Obviously old enough to smoke. Does he have a job? If not maybe he should try getting one. When my son was using, and didn't work, before I knew better, I bought him cigarettes and paid his cell bill. Once that didn't work, and I went to Naranon and learned how to deal with addiction better, I stopped enabling. Now he is clean and working a job, making his own money. Our kids won't do anything for themselves if we keep doing it for them. You should check out an Alanon meeting in your area. It will help you to learn about what you should, and shouldn't do for your son regarding his addiction. I know how difficult it is, for I have been there and gone through it. It hurts us more than them. I hope and pray that your son straightens out. It's heartbreaking.
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