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Old 11-13-2010, 10:32 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hello-kitty. I realise now i stuck around the past two years of our relationship because i thought he had potential to change (not once had he proved so). i think now to myself i had alot of faith and hope he would change to the better but my hope was never based on anything.as you said he might and might not change. its not right to hold on so hard to someone because you hope they would change,right?
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Old 11-13-2010, 10:42 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gotahavfaith View Post
Lunaaa

I am so glad you are posting here and not trying to hide it. Right now you can't talk about it but maybe posting here will give you the strength to get it out in the open.

I had a friend that was in this situation. It went kinda like this: yelling, verbally abusing, pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, PUNCHING. She stayed for a long time. She said the same thing, if she wouldn't have said this, if she had of done that. Maybe she deserved it, it wasn't that bad....etc. She stayed through all this. A few friends knew, including me. I tried to get her away from him, came and got her a few times. But she always went back because he was sorry, they had a connection, he loved her.

I got a phone call one day at work telling me that she was being rushed to a trama hospital 2 hours away. He had hit her so hard it shattered her eye socket and she almost lost her eye. That was the worst of it, but she had many bruises, cuts, scrapes and some fractures. She spent a week in the hospital. I rushed up there and I just couldn't believe what I saw...I didn't even recognize my friend. And of course, he ran. It all started over her wrapping birthday presents for her son, instead of spending time with him. Trust me, your friends and family would never want that for you. It could have been worse, she could have very easily been dead. She said she thought he was going to kill her. So you see, nothing you can do or say will stop him. IT WILL GET WORSE. That was finally what it took to make her see that this was NOT love. He is sick, he will not stop if you go back. My friends ex still called after that, trying to get her to see that she made him do it

This happened over 15 years ago, but I can still picture my friends face, this is something that I will never forget.

I can't tell you what to do, only you can choose that, but PLEASE PLEASE, go to counseling, get some help, talk to SOMEONE. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Find somewhere safe. I don't want to see you hurt.

Gotahavfaith
This is very scarey and sad,i'm so sorry for your friend and glad she got through this safe.i cant imagine how could someone cause hurt to another person so bad. i still have doubts about calling him abusive.he slapped me several times on the face it did hurt and i was scared but maybe he didnt mean to,maybe i was hurt because i'm physically weaker being a girl. could it be just out of anger and jelousy that he couldnt control himself? is it for certain he would do it again? will it get worse ?
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Old 11-13-2010, 10:52 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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is it for certain he would do it again? will it get worse ?
Mine progressed to beating my head against walls, smacking me in the back of the head repeatedly, throwing me down the basement stairs, body-slamming me to the floor and putting his knee on my chest, screaming at me so loud that the spit was flying onto my face, holding a knife to my side, and punching me in the back.

Your mind is trying to tell you it isn't that bad. Please please please contact the nearest domestic violence center and ask to talk to a counselor.
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Old 11-13-2010, 12:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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It gets worse. It is as if the two of you go into a silent agreement that if the last bit of hitting was acceptable to you, he has permission to up it a bit next time. This scenario plays itself out all over the world with sickening regularity.

If nothing else makes you see disaster looming, let me paint the picture what these type of men do once you have children. The children become their weapons to hurt you, to get to you. They will threaten you that if you leave them, you will never see your children again. If you manage to leave anyway, they will use the children at every opportunity to get back at you and to hurt you. They will have no regard for the children's well-being, just see them as little pawns with which they can hurt and punish their mother.

Lunaaa, please think really long and hard about what you want for your future. The longer you stay, the more you will believe that you are nothing and that you deserve the treatment, the harder it will be to leave. Do you think that you deserve to be treated this way or do you believe that you are good enough to deserve a man that will treat you well?
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:41 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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No matter how difficult it is, you need to think with your head not your heart. Your heart is not capable of making the decisions that you head is designed to do.

Drug or alcohol addiction is one thing, abuse is another. If you take him back,put on your football helmet and your rubber suit, because he will even be more violent, it will escalate, this is only the tip of the iceburg.

Do you really need a man like him in your life...if so, why?

Let your head do what it is designed to do......think.....
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Old 11-14-2010, 01:05 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunaaa View Post
This is very scarey and sad,i'm so sorry for your friend and glad she got through this safe.i cant imagine how could someone cause hurt to another person so bad. i still have doubts about calling him abusive.he slapped me several times on the face it did hurt and i was scared but maybe he didnt mean to,maybe i was hurt because i'm physically weaker being a girl. could it be just out of anger and jelousy that he couldnt control himself? is it for certain he would do it again? will it get worse ?
Originally Posted by Luanna View Post
Wheredoiturn,everything you said is so true. I do believe he loves me despite everything he does (how come he hits me and i feel this way?) or is it what i want to believe? and as if it makes everything alright,makes me feel i can forgive anything he does,i justify to myself every violent act and convince myself its out of love and jelousy .i dont know how i reached such point ,i feel it's sick.

I do believe we do have a connection! and i do believe that he wouldnt have hit me if i behaved in a different way!! i know its all sick but i need your help to stop feeling this way.
Luanna I don't mean to offend you if I do, but it almost sounds like you're looking for someone to tell you its ok for you to go back to this guy. You keep making excuses for his violence and trying to place the blame on yourself. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Have you ever considered Codependents Anonymous. It helps people who have childhood and relationship issues. You can really find out a lot about yourself there. I've always had a low self esteem so my AA sponsor recommended I try it out. I honestly have to say I'm glad I did. I found out why I have such low self esteem, why I'm afraid of change and why I've always had a feeling of inadequacy. My parents got divorced when I was about 8 years old so I spent a lot of my childhood moving around. Even before they separated I did quite a bit of moving. I went to 2 different preschools, kindergarten and 1st I went to Catholic school in Fremont, Ca, 2nd and 3rd at a public in Fremont, Ca, 4th at a public in Hayward, Ca, 5th at a public in Los Gates, Ca, 6th and 7th at public schools in Gilroy. From 8th until 12th I went back to Fremont. Because I did all this moving around I was never able to establish any real roots or make any real friends other than the ones I grew up with in Fremont. This is why I was always so afraid of change. My self esteem issues came from the fact that I've always looked younger than I am and was very short up until my junior year of high school. My freshman year of high school I was about 5ft. tall and looked like I was 12 years old literally. I'm 28 now but people tell me I don't look a day over 21, I can't even grow a full beard or mustache. Looking young doesn't bother me anymore cause I know I'm going to look young when I'm old (pops is 62 but looks like he's in his early 40's). Not having much facial hair doesn't bother me either cuz it just means I don't have to shave as often..lol. The point I'm trying to make is that I felt I didn't measure up until I got into CODA. I learned how to esteem myself without having to make fun of someone else in order to feel better about myself. It sounds petty but what I was recommended to do was to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself nice things. Like "you're a good person", "you are capable of change", "God loves you", "you are a beautiful person", simple little things like that. Initially I thought it was silly, but you know what, it works. Look into a CODA meeting, try it out for a week. It's not going to kill you and like I said you will learn a great deal about yourself. I wish you luck and really hope you don't go back to this guy. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 11-14-2010, 03:12 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Mine progressed to beating my head against walls, smacking me in the back of the head repeatedly, throwing me down the basement stairs, body-slamming me to the floor and putting his knee on my chest, screaming at me so loud that the spit was flying onto my face, holding a knife to my side, and punching me in the back.

Your mind is trying to tell you it isn't that bad. Please please please contact the nearest domestic violence center and ask to talk to a counselor.
Oh my god i'm so sorry for what you went through i cant imagine how painful and horrible this all have been.
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Old 11-14-2010, 03:21 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Johndelko,Dollydo and wheredoiturn,

I really dont want to go back to him,i never want to see him again.i know i'm better off this way and that as long as i'm with him i'll never be happy or have self respect. the reason i'm telling you about my weakness towards him is that i once heard that an idea is like a virus you need to fight it wth another idea(anti-virus) i'm telling you how i feel(about him not meaning to hurt me ...etc ) because i'm hoping to get rid of these sick feelings of dependency and become more certain of my decision which is leaving him,trust me guys i never want to go back to him but i'm trying to arm myself against myself,does that make any sense? i dont want to feel any guilt or regret for leaving him i want to be convinced(both heart and mind) that its the right thing.
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Old 11-14-2010, 03:23 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Oh and forgot to say he's been calling crazy but i didnt answer any of his calls,he even sent me a msg asking for my help at a college project or else he'de fail!!!! he knows that back in the old days i'de be running to help him nomatter what he had done the minute he asks for help. its a way for him to get me to answer his calls but i didnt.
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Old 11-14-2010, 09:03 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunaaa View Post
Johndelko,Dollydo and wheredoiturn,

I really dont want to go back to him,i never want to see him again.i know i'm better off this way and that as long as i'm with him i'll never be happy or have self respect. the reason i'm telling you about my weakness towards him is that i once heard that an idea is like a virus you need to fight it wth another idea(anti-virus) i'm telling you how i feel(about him not meaning to hurt me ...etc ) because i'm hoping to get rid of these sick feelings of dependency and become more certain of my decision which is leaving him,trust me guys i never want to go back to him but i'm trying to arm myself against myself,does that make any sense? i dont want to feel any guilt or regret for leaving him i want to be convinced(both heart and mind) that its the right thing.
Well I'm glad to hear that you are sure that you don't want to go back to him. I'm not going to keep pushing the Codependents Anonymous (CODA), but you even admit to being dependent in your post I quoted. It won't hurt but might actually help you. And I know that the suggestions I made about esteeming yourself seem petty, but trust me from one codependent to another, it goes a long way. It's almost like what you mentioned about arming yourself against yourself. I have to honestly say that when I look in the mirror and start telling myself nice things like, "I am of value to this world/society", "I am a beautiful child of God and he loves me", "if God the all almighty loves me and thinks I am worth it, who am I to deny this". I feel that it is somewhat physiological, you're basically phyching yourself into a better state of mind, but it works for me. And don't feel guilty for leaving him, he should be the one that feels guilty for hurting you and treating you the way he did. you will find the right guy that will treat you with the love and respect that you truly deserve. Always remember there is nothing so wrong that you could have done to deserve to be treated the way he treated you, NOTHING. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers when I go to church this morning. Stay up and remember you ARE worth it and you ARE a beautiful person. :ghug3
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Old 11-14-2010, 10:30 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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yes, Lunaa, I remember you very well. I had missed you and wondered how you were.

So, you needed to see where the next step was...would it get better? should you give him another chance? was this the great, precious love that you were thinking about throwing away? how do these things turn out? what has happened to us in similar circumstances? what trade-offs are reasonable? what do we really know about love, passion, addiction? is it really abuse?

Your posts this week do not even sound like the intelligent, capable woman that you are. Honestly. You can reason that anyone badly wounded in an accident is not texting you. You can spot the manipulation in asking to save his college career. As if you are the only person who can help him. The only person who can save him.
So, if you can save him..why is he still doing drugs and has become more abusive?
Oh, wait, you are physically more fragile and it is your fault that it hurt you?
[email protected]
oh, wait...you are not really hurt.
YET.

Has anyone (even one person) told you that this gets better? Do any of the statistics say "this gets better."?

To me you sound like you are in a great deal of denial about this.
That's the very thing that gets any of us and keeps any of us in this kind of mess.
So, I am very glad you remembered SR and came here.
You have read my story. You know that I stayed to see how bad it would get because it was a grand, once in a lifetime passion. whew. I found better. I have better. I have a nourishing love, not a painful one, not a painful person. no abuse. none. not even a little.

I appreciate that someone here pointed out the intensity of violence and how it can create a false intimacy. That was one of the very things that kept me hooked in.

I care about you. I hope you are safe...and please know that SR is always here.
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Old 11-14-2010, 06:33 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunaaa View Post
I do believe we do have a connection! and i do believe that he wouldnt have hit me if i behaved in a different way!! i know its all sick but i need your help to stop feeling this way.
Hi there--
Domestic violence is exactly this -- please- I urge you to simply call a dv hotline in your area and speak with someone, it's all confidential.


Right now, your sense of self is shattered- he has emotionally wrecked you PRIOR to physically assulting you- this is why you are beliving you 'deserved' this assult. What you ae experiencing is called battered womans syndrome- this is not a 'connection', rather an illness.....

Please, I implore you to really truly seek help for this- please call a dv hotline immediatly.

No one here can adequately counsel you on domestic abuse- but we sure can tell you that NO ONE deserves to be hit- or spoken to in a way that is hurtful.

There is a little angel, a beautiful little baby inside of you (the one that your parents saw when you were born). This beautiful little girl needs you right now to take care of her-- don't let this man hurt that little girl.. (that is YOU honey). Visualize someone doing this to a precious little girl-- you wouldn't let that happen to an innocent baby would you? I'm sure the answer is no-- therefore DO NOT allow this to happen to YOU! Only you can protect yourself.... and there are people to show you the way in which to to this.
Hugs,
Cess
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:37 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Johndelko,
I was previously advised here on SR to attend CODA ,someone even searched out for a meeting in my country while i thought there isnt any CODA in Egypt . I had plans of going but lost my will due to his accusations,doubts and rage about it. as much as i needed CODA it felt easier to let it go and avoid his anger. Right now i think CODA is what i need. The words you said dont seem petty at all,they are how i need to feel.I will try saying that to myself.maybe i will come to believe them. remember the saying " Fake it till you make it" ?
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:57 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Live,

When i last came here ,he was only verbally abusive ,it was awful and hurtful but i never gave it any significance and i never thought it escalates as you all have warned me so i stayed giving him countless number of chances.
Even with the verbal abuse i needed to stick around and get my fix ,changing the way i treat,respond and talk to him out of dignity and hurt but still managing to get my fix nomatter what he does i'de still be talking to him,maybe not in a loving way or in any good way but i needed to stay hooked in,that was my fix.
You are right,this is not a precious love i'm holding on to,i'm just holding on because i'm afraid to let go,this precious love was only in my mind
You are also right it doesnt get any better. I realise all that now and i'm trying to reason it all with a healthy mind not a sick one.
i promise you i'll stay safe and wont let anyone hurt me ever again.
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:11 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Cessey68,

I googled up battered women syndrome ,reading about you and your sitiuation and knowing that all you feel inside has a name is strange!! it feels exactly like hearing the term " codependent" for the first time and reading about it and realising i typically fit the profile.it's scarey .
I cried reading your words about the little girl,i feel sorry for her i still cant believe she went through this awful sitiuation.she's gone long ago.
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:24 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Lunaa,

Like you I first thought it was his addiction, then I thought it was my codependency, and, like you I looked for information.
I really do understand.
It is still incomprehensible to me at many levels.
First I had to get out and away from him.
Then I spent alot of time learning about abuse trying to make some sense of this madness and what had happened.
Abuse does claim victims, so it isn't all that you were after "your fix"...
I know that you have been blindsided and baffled by all this.
It's crazy and crazy-making!
I am just very, very glad that you remembered SR and felt comfortable returning here when you were in a crisis and in need.
I hope you have found some help and hope here!
There is a much better life on the other side of this, I promise.
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Old 11-15-2010, 09:52 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Hi Lunna: I really have a story to tell you. Please listen very carefully.

I had a husband who was a heroin addict. I was naive about drugs that I had no idea what the marks on his arm were. When I would ask...he would tell me it was from working so hard in the steel mill. I believed.

He started getting very violent. I had his fingerprints on my neck from him choking me, broken ribs and blacked eyes from him hitting me in the head. Also, always thinking it was my fault. I mouthed off or I got mad because he was gone for two or more days.

I was working in a school district making a good salary to support my children (from a previous marriage) and supporting him. He was always out of work due to whatever he could claim with social security and disability.

He finally went to hospital for a recovery program on my insurance policy. I was so happy and supportive. It did not last long.

He had a counsler. He told the counseler that he was going to kill me. The counseler called the police and called me. Well, I didn't believe it and told everyone I would be OK.

Not so, the police came to my door and wisked me and my 2 children out of the house and put us in a safe house. The police did a search on the apartment and found a gun under the bed.

I was moved to another county and granted a divorce without ever seeing him again. I was able to get a darn good job and a nice place to live. I was 31 yrs. of age when this happened. Now I am 56 yrs. of age.

I have recently retired from my "darn good job" with a good pension.

My ex-husband died of a heroin overdose at the age of 38.

I married a wonderful man and we have been married for 25 years.

So the moral of this story....get the heck out of there!!!!
there is help out there. Just do it!!

You don't want to be like me.

Love and care about you,
Desertrose
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Old 11-19-2010, 08:15 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Desertrose,
i'm so glad you got the necessary help and was saved from this person before it got ugly,i imagine you thought he wouldnt do you harm and you didnt take those threats seriously but thank god someone else did.
and Live,i too am glad i remembered SR and glad i came here for help.
I thank everyone who posted in this thread and shared a story or an advice to help and support me. i came here weak but now i feel i'm starting to gain back my strength. you told me everything i needed to here and proved to me that i'm not the only one who has suffered and still suffering but also showed me the way out of this pain.i'm still scared but i'm working on myself and i'm still going no contact.
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