jto

My wife has been taking methadone for 12 years, by prescription. No one informed her or me of the long-term impact of methadone, so we happily went along with it. She never really exhibited classic addiction/abuse behavior that I was looking for - lying, doctor shopping, etc. She never had to; the doc gave her EVERYTHING she asked for.

About a year ago things turned ugly and lights turned on. She has always been confrontational, eager for a fight, but it got vindictive and she started hitting the children. As I counseled with my ecclesiastical leader, he asked if I thought she was an addict (he has a prior career as a social worker; he had a educational/experiential basis for asking the question). She's told me for years "I'm a social worker, I know what addiction is and I'm not addicted. Trust me. I don't abuse, I don't lie, I don't 'lose my medications' or such". So I told him "No."

After a couple more months, I believed him enough to start researching. What I learned scared the beejeebers out of me. She's an addict, through and through.

Here's the thing: she has sought help, sort of... She denies the drugs have hurt our lives, but she wants to get off them. She's furious with me for referring her (dragging her) to an addiction center and for 'filling in the blanks' when they questioned her (like telling about hitting the children). But she's off the methadone, onto Suboxone and now she's trying to stop that. The problem is, I can't live with her any more. She's abusive, manipulative and she lies. Still. Come on, the drugs aren't out of her system! She spends money--never really anything big, but when she shops for groceries it costs about 2x what it does when I shop. She does nothing around the house--no cleaning. To fill that hole in her heart, she started adopting cats. We now are down to 5. They puke everywhere, so there's cat puke stains throughout our house. We moved three years ago and she won't let me unpack because she has "ADD" and can't find things if she doesn't put them away.

I am at the end of my rope. I wrote up a list of things I expect her to do - continue therapy, continue counseling, stop the confrontational behavior, and start doing one small chore daily. Her counselor has advised me to NOT share this with my wife. She (counselor) feels it'll push her (wife) over the edge.

I'm at the point where it's shape-up or ship-out time. For me the choice is divorce or live by the rules. But she *is* getting help. She sees the counselor weekly and she's sticking to her treatment. She refuses to admit any trouble beyond the inconvenience of her chronic pain. So I can't tell if she's really getting treatment, or not.

As all addicts, she's cruel. She turns everything into my fault, so talking to her is like talking to a wall, only worse - the wall generally only hurts when I slam my head on it. She dishes out pain in large doses.

I am a Christian man. I feel I need to give her the physical security she needs to complete the treatment, but I will NOT allow her to continue the current behavior. I don't want to throw her out on the street. The counselor things that, by kicking her out, it'll push her over the edge and she'll stop treatment altogether.

I'm torn between my Christian upbringing of mercy and grace, and my family's physical and emotional needs for peace, safety, cleanliness. Can anyone offer advice?

sebby1234

Hi Jto and welcome to SR.

I am fairly new myself here so may have limited advise but there is plenty of kind and resourceful people here.

What hit me with your story is the similarity with mine. My wife has been a "pill addict" for the past 6 years, 4 of which were on Suboxone. She is currently in outpatient treatment being tapered off although I have little faith in her recovery.

Although she is not violent or aggressive, I have been through a roller coaster ride over the last 6 years and have seen most of the standard addict behavior, lies, manipulation, ...

She has spent all the money we had and am barely living paycheck to paycheck now. Her only contribution to the household is cooking ~4 meals/week. We have too many pets (3 cats, 3 birds) and the house is a constant mess. I have abandoned making any significant effort in cleaning the house as she always finds a way to mess it back up within 24h.

I myself have also reached my shape-up or ship-out point. Getting my things in order and seeing what comes out of her treatment this time.

But as several members here will probably say, keep in mind the 3C's of addiction.

You did not cause her addiction
You cannot control her addiction
and You cannot cure her addiction.

She will only get better if and when she decides she really wants to get better. Love can't cure addiction unfortunately, most of us here have learned this the hard way. In the end, you have to look at your priorities and make a decision based on that. Especially considering she is violent towards the children, it is unsafe and unfair for them to remain in the present situation.

You need to think of the well being of your children first and then your own well being. Despite the addiction, she is an adult and has the right to choose the type of life she wants to live. And so do you whether or not you want to live in this situation...

Teggie

JTO,
Welcome! We are glad to have you, I only wish the circumstances were different. You will find alot of kindred souls here.

May I suggest you read some of the stickies up top? You may find the info there very useful.

First things first, get educated and start working on you. Have you thought about going to a Naranon or Alanon meeting? I can tell you, meetings have saved my life. Really, no joke!

This forum is excellant and a great was to share experience, strength and hope with others who know what you are going through.

When I took the focus off my addict and put it on myself things began to change.

Hope to see more of you! And remember the 3 C's that Sebby posted!

Hugs,
Teggie

jto

Wow - we could literally trade places, Sebby! I know what you've been living with and I'm sorry to hear it. Four years on Suboxone? We were told it was a wonder drug and it'd be a great step stool for her. It sounds like your wife's behavior is no different than it was before Suboxone. Sometimes I wonder why they call it 'practicing medicine' but most of the time I see enough that I KNOW why...

Chino

Suboxone isn't causing her to lie, abuse and manipulate. All it's doing is keeping her from withdrawals, and exposing physical pain along with existing character defects. Her confrontational nature predates her addiction, too.

Subs are different from methadone in that they only partially cover all those extra opiate receptors she developed. In other words, she's not feeling any joy from the subs, there's nothing masking real life. Subs allow her brain to slowly start producing endorphins again on it's own, methadone prevented that.

Then again, after being on methadone for so long, her brain may no longer have the ability to produce endorphins on it's own. That's a very real possibility of long term opioid use. She may not have been abusing her prescription but, since her negative behaviors were escalating, it sounds like her dependence on the drug escalated. Makes me wonder if her prescribing physician had been increasing her dosage.

Suboxone is an incredible drug, but it's not a cure all. It's meant to be used with a recovery program, not just once a week. She takes the drug every day, not just once a week. Since she doesn't think she has a problem, she's just going through the motions with counseling.

Please remember that her counselor is advocating for her, not you and not your children.

Please consider a recovery program for yourself. Work the program you wish she would.

MsPINKAcres

((jto))

Welcome to SR

hate your family has been affected by this horrid disease, but glad you are here seeking help for yourself!

I would like to share a little of my story with you -
I too am a Christian woman - I was married to an addict/alcoholic for over 16 yrs - it was mostly HELL on earth. I sought counseling thru my church leaders, Sunday School teachers, pastors, etc. thinking they could help our situation ~
what I HEARD (not saying this is exactly what they said, but this is what I HEARD)
if I prayed enough
payed enough
& attended church enough
my husband would get sober & all would be great
I did all those things and
true sobriety never happened ~

Today I know that they tried to help as much as they could, but they can't fix what was wrong with our family - they aren't skilled in that area.

I needed help from people who had walked in my shoes ~ I started attending Al-Anon meetings, spending time here on SR, working on my own recovery and reading lots of recovery literature. Together the God of my understanding & I found a better way.

They are tools for you to use in dealing with this disease - I hope that you will seek them.

Remember there is nothing you can do that can MAKE her use, just like there is nothing you can do that can MAKE her stay clean. She is going to do what she is going to do - The question is what can you do for YOU?

PINK HUGS,
Rita

smacked

I'm sorry to find you here, but glad you found us.

Am I right in assuming from what you wrote that you still live with the person who has (and continues to?) abused your children?? Am I (hopefully) wrong, and you ARE protecting them from continued violence?

Sorry, big giant fat dealbreaker for me. No one hits anyone I love.. not more than once, and never without criminal charges.

Kindeyes

jto
Welcome to SR.......but I have to add, as I always do, that I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

I hope you'll stick around. As you can see, there are a lot of other people who are dealing with (or who have dealt with) situations that are very similar to yours. All of us walk our own path and have to make decisions that are best for our lives but it is nice to have someone to bounce things off of. And just the knowledge that we are not alone in our trials brings comfort.

There are a lot of resources available here......I would certainly recommend that you find a Naranon Family Group in your area if at all possible. There is a 12 step process of recovery for "us" too........personally.......until I began "recovery", things were pretty icky. My recovery and concentrating on what was good for me was the beginning of improvement.

gentle hugs

hello-kitty

Wow. Welcome. (((big hug)))

Addiction is a family disease. You can't force her to change, but you can change yourself. I think you would benefit from a 12-step program as well - NA or Alanon. There's also a great christian based program that's called Celebrate Recovery - geared towards all kinds of addictions including co-dependency.

Work the recovery you wish she would work. if it doesn't help you, you can always go back to feeling like you do now.

meditation

I hate to read that all addicts are cruel. I would hate to generalize everybody with that statement. Your wife is beating the kids though and you are probably on the money. She sounds like shes in classic denial. I was not really able to see the forest for the trees until I went into a rehab center and heard other people's stories and heard them voice denial. It's easier to spot in other people, just harder to see in myself at the time. But that's with anything, it's easier to see other's issues than mine.
Sounds too like the counselor is enabling her too, she may need those rules to straighten up. Your rules are much easier than rehab rules or the stark reality of a divorce and losing the kids. I think the counselor is nuts, protecting her a wee bit and so what if she goes off the edge........ she needs to be locked up in a facility to get help sometimes going off the edge is what an addict needs to wake up.
I am so sorry for what you're dealing with and I think you are far more patient than I would have been.

tam

welcome to SR jto, sorry you had to find us and going through this. But you sure came to the right place for support. Please know your not alone. Keep reading and reading posts and stickies on here and keep posting.
I will tell you firsthand (like others on here) it truly saved my life. I was in a deep hole after my AH left in december 2009 (probaly before that as well).he is a prescription pain addict (dr prescribed but does it really matter?) and it was hell for me living with it. his behavior was horrible, just horrible.
this forum is full of knowledge, caring people and tools for coping as well. just keep coming back.

jto

Thanks for all the replies! Forgive me my ignorance--I'm just getting my head wrapped around everything that's been going on.

Chino (and others): what recovery do I need? What's available for me and what am I trying to fix? I want peace in my home and a safe environment (physically, emotionally) for my boys. Wife is welcome to stay if she can do her part to make that safe environment. As the spouse of an addict, do I need to fix anything else?

I'm afraid the response here will be "denial ain't just a river..." but I am open to learning anything I need to know.

Rita: I'm very happy that my Church has a strong addiction recovery program. It was co-developed with AA (and ironically my wife's senior thesis was a kickstart to that process). Church leaders are educated on what's truly involved in recovery, so prayer is a recommended step, but only one of many.

Smacked: yes, she still lives with us. I have divorce papers drafted and will serve if she ever hits another one of us. I'm embarrassed to say I did not act at either of the two instances. I allowed her to muddle my thinking and convince me it wasn't as bad as it appeared.

Kindeyes

jto
Our recovery involves the ability to find serenity whether our loved one continues to use or not. That can mean many things depending upon the individual involved. It's the establishment of boundaries and securing and enforcing those boundaries. It's changing ourselves which often affects change in others.

Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie is one of the most recommended books on SR because she does such an excellent job of describing the behaviors that "we" have that need to be examined. It's not so much that we are doing anything "wrong" as much as it is.......we can't change someone else......it is simply not possible. But we can change ourselves. We often have absolutely no idea what behaviors we have that need to change but even subtle changes in us can often cause changes around us (even in other people).

I'm not sure if that clarifies anything for you but it's very important to remember that you aren't going to change her. You can change things, places, where you live, and yourself........changes in any or all of those things can affect change in her but simply trying to make her change doesn't work.

Sometimes it's simply changing our state of mind so that the chaos can go on around us and we don't get caught in the vortex. We find serenity in the midst of the storm.

Read. Learn. And keep an open mind. I didn't get it for a long time. It took a while for my light bulb to turn on and sometimes.....even after dealing with an addicted loved one for so long, I still find myself in the dark or slipsliding backwards.

If she is hitting the kids and she's crossing your boundaries......what are the consequences for her? If there are none, then she has no reason to stop.

gentle hugs

hello-kitty

Addiction is a family disease. Whether or not you realize it, the whole family has been affected by her drug abuse and the whole family will need to recover from it.

What you are trying to fix (in your own words): You have allowed your wife to muddle your thinking and did not stop her from treating your children abusively.

That's your responsibility not hers. How are you going to prevent her from muddling your thinking again? That's where your recovery comes in. Learning how to act in your own best interest and the interest of your children, no matter how it affects your wife or what promises she makes to you about changing.

Recovery from co-dependency is about setting boundaries and following through on difficult consequences.

It doesn't hurt to look into it... right?

Chino

And anyone else that challenges your value system, your boundaries.

I had no clue how weak or nonexistent my boundaries were, until discovering my daughter's addiction. She's just the one who pushed me to my limit, my bottom. She was the final blow.

I've spent the last two years rebuilding my boundaries, sometimes replacing them with healthier ones, and gathering strength along the way.

You have a good foundation to build on

jto

OK so I think I'm starting to understand. The problem *I* have is that I am trying to determine *her* behavior whereas the correct approach is to define what I will tolerate?

But how do I enforce those boundaries? For instance, I will not tolerate a leech, which my wife is. She never lifts a finger to help. Do I simply say "Anyone unwilling to do their part will be sleeping elsewhere tonight"? And, if so, how do I enforce that? To force her out would be violence and would violate my other boundaries.

Sorry... I'm just totally confused although I can see what you're getting at.

Vent (and practicing "I feel" language): I am so sick and tired of my life and the way we live. I feel used because all I am to her is a thing to yell at--and a supply of food and shelter. I also feel used because I'm basically the sugar daddy. I work 50, 60 hours a week to bring home money and the very insurance that pays for her drugs. I feel angry because she refuses to acknowledge her sickness. When she's so happy and bouncing around the house (usually just after taking another hit of Suboxone), I feel jealous because she gets to be happy while I live in misery. I want her out of my life. At the same time, I feel torn - my religious upbringing tells me to remember that Christ showed mercy. My friends tell me to think of the risk that she gets custody in a divorce. I feel trapped because I can't find a way out.

tam

jto, I was born and raised catholic, married in a religious ceremony. we were married 26 years..addiction ruined it. I could not take living with it. it put me in a dark dark hole..I never thought there was a way out. in dec.2009 he left (the detaching and boundaries) were getting to him. I was devastated but I realize today it was a blessing. his behavior was exactly like your wifes, thats what addicts do.
he didnt physically hurt me, he didnt have to, the mental anquish and his cruel behavior towards me was enough. him sitting around high, happy, angry, drugged..lazy , all of it is exactly the same as other addicts.
I too supported the whole houseshold, I too felt like I was being used, I still feel that and I know in time I will get through that.
I am now going through a divorce.
please please document everything!! keep it in a safe place (I keep all my info at work) and do what you have to protect you and your children. I agree with getting all her medical info including prescription usage. start protecting your assets, put money away and call authorities whenever she threatens or hurts you or your children. do not be ashamed. this happens to many families, addiction doesnt discriminate.
there is a way out jto and remember you didnt cause this, our marriage vows are voided by them, not us..I know I can stand tall and be proud of being a loyal, devoted,loving and trusting wife, his drug use ruined it.
I hope you seek legal counsel and continue reading on here and attend some support meetings..

hello-kitty

Yes!

And you can have mercy on someone without allowing them to mistreat you and your children. It doesn't say anything like that in the bible. Christ never said you need to be a doormat for your spouse or allow your children to be abused. Never.

Don't listen to your friends. Talk to an attorney.

PS. These are some boundaries I have. How do I enforce them? I just do. I have values and I live up to them. And if others want to be a part of my life, then they will respect my values. Or they are totally free not to be a part of my life. That's their choice. And I will not try to control them.

I value honesty. Therefore I will not tell lies and I will not knowingly accept being lied to. If I suspect you are lying to me, I will walk away.

I value my body and my life. I will not allow someone to physically abuse me. I will leave the situation immediately, and if it warrants, I will call the police.

I will not use or abuse drugs and I will not tolerate drugs in my home or around my kids. If I suspect you are using or high, I will ask you to leave immediately. If you do not, I will have the police escort you off my property.

I value hard work and being self-supportive. I will not allow people to lay around on my couch all day and not contribute to the household finances. I will tell you to leave and find another place to live.

I value respect. I do not allow people to scream at me or my kids. If you do, I will quietly ask you to leave or I will leave the situation.

And so on and so forth... it's up to you to enforce your boundaries. If you don't feel strong enough to do so, that indicates a need for counseling or some other kind of support group. (Again - we go back to recovery.)

Chino

Please review 1 Corinthians 13.

You mention mercy, but not love. A marriage based on mercy is one of subjugation, master and slave. So far you've given no indication you feel anything even remotely resembling romantic love for her, not even a longing for the past. You've already checked out.

Please consider the honesty you have shown in your postings. You are standing at the crossroads with your own personal baggage in hand. Please take the path that involves honesty, integrity, and honor. All your lives depend on it.

johndelko408

I'm no professional or anything but I would make two recommendations. The first is Codependents Anonymous, CODA deals with relationship issues and childhood issues. Next I would recommend Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the family members of alcoholics. I know that alcohol isn't your wifes drug of choice, but it is an addiction none the less. It more or less will give you an idea of why she behaves the way she does, why she does the things she does. I hope all goes well for you and your family, you obviously have a lot of love for your wife and you want to help her. You have to remember that only she can help herself. She has to be willing to get into recovery in order to get it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. All the love and faith in the world won't help her unless she's willing to help her self. We have a saying in the program that goes like this "faith without works is dead". What it basically means is that she can have all the faith in God in the world, but unless she puts in the work (work the steps, get a sponsor and work with others) it doesn't help her in getting recovery. I hope I was able to help you.