islandcat

Its not long till Xmas now and already I am working myself up. For those of you who have detached from your loved ones how do we tell them sorry you cant come home for Xmas? We are such a small family (5 of us) thats its so big a space without my son. I tried to be strong for Thanksgiving and ended refusing to cook. I gave in and cooked 5 days after and begged my daughters to let him come over, I had not seen him since he left rehab early. He came and it was okay but I knew. His sisters were disgusted with him. But I need to have Xmas for their sake without crying throughout it and I just cant bear the thought of him somewhere other than home. We had a hard time when he was in jail for Xmas but at least he was warm and fed. I dont think I will make it even if it means me sneaking out and meeting him somewhere. My poor granddaughter, she loves her only uncle so much and it will be so hard for her, he has missed so much of her short life. How are you all going to handle this?

Ann

I used to meet my son for dinner Christmas Eve and then we would both go to the church service. That seemed to make it special. He knew why he could not come home (he stole every time I let him in) and didn't play the guilt card with me, just enjoyed the get together.

Also, my gifts were things like warm gloves, scarves, hats and even a sweater or coat if he needed them. I knew he could sell them, but I don't think he ever did. Not with the winters we have here.

My heart goes out to you because I know how hard this is.

Hugs

Freedom1990

I think Ann has a wonderful suggestion.

Our family is small, and we haven't had a home get-together for probably 10 years now. My youngest daughter and I live about 85 miles from my folks. My 32 year old AD lives about 35 miles south of me.

We meet halfway in a city where there is a restaurant that serves a huge buffet both on Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

We eat, we go see a movie together, and then everyone goes their separate ways.

AD is not trusted in anyone's home, not for a long time.

keepinon

I think those are great suggestions.If your daughters do not want to have the holidays with an active addict or have that around their young kids I totally get it.I didn't want that either.My MIL wanted us all in the same room together for the holidays..no matter that we were all miserable, with a methed out, crazy SIL destroying every occasion. It was her fantasy of what a holiday looked like.
We no longer spend ANY time with her because of all the enabling she did. Your holiday is not going to be what you WANT it to be, but it can be what your family NEEDS it to be.It's your granndaughters turn to have a wonderful peaceful holiday.

Kindeyes

I think you've already received some wonderful suggestions. I have nothing to add except that my heart goes out to you. I know how difficult this is.

gentle hugs

sojourner

I'm struggling with this one too. About 5 years ago i had invited him for a meal here in the home. While here, he stole things belonging to siblings and has never paid them back. I told him then i would not invite him here until he was living a clean/sober life. One could say - "Gosh, 5 years ago - can't you forgive and forget?" My reply is, "well, there is some sort of forgiveness here - but not the kind where he is invited back into the home." Kind of, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Even though he may come to these gatherings not having used in some spit of time, his thinking is so foggy that he just sits on the couch and stares at the TV. If the TV is not on, it's pretty useless to try and get a conversation going with him. When he does try to start a subject, it is something silly like, "Well,you know, that whole thing about us going to the moon is a big hoax. Our government just staged those pictures." He's been bringing up that one for years. Otherwise, he just sits like a lump on a log and has nothing intelligent to say. And he eats a ridiculous amount of food and likes the attention he gets when people notice it like when he was 12 years old. Really, it's like his IQ has gone down 30 points.

It's hard for me to see him that way. Other people are confused by him. They think, "that's just the way he is. some people are like that, you know."

I'm not trying to hijack your thread. I'm just trying to share some of the details here so you don't feel so alone. My way of dealing with it is just to not invite him to my home and I remind him why. If the gathering is at somebody else's home, I offer them AS's phone number to make a personal invitation.

Addiction changes everything doesn't it?