Time4Me1

My bf of the past three years has landed himself in prison for the second time in his life for robbery. He is a drug addict and needed the money to support his habit as everyone in his life cut him off financially and for the first time emotionally as well. He was severely depressed for using again and as a result, lost me, lost his job and was about to lose his home. I was trying to detach from him but allowed dialogue between us to continue as I didn't want to abandon him. I tried to be supportive and encourage him to work on getting his life back under control. I needed to be away from him physically in order to do this. I ended up finding out that during this time away he was only using more and got himself into a relationship with a young girl. When i found out I let him know that I knew and although it was not really my concern any more, it still hurt and just proved that his promises of trying to do better were nothing but lies. He broke down and cried and said he was sorry and that he has just been in agony over our break up. I tried to be calm and forgive him, but that I just didn't believe him any more. The next day he decided to commit the crime and then proceed to disappear for three weeks leaving his family, myself and his daughter to agonize over his where abouts and possible death. The police found him in a crack house and he currently in jail awaiting trial. I have been devastated by this out come. It sounds horrible but I almost wish he were dead. I feel this way because I cant stand the thought of him rotting away in prison and me being the catalyst for his demise. Does any one out there understand how and why I am feeling this way?? I understand that he is ultimately responsible for his own actions, but I feel like I abandoned him and he was unable to deal with his broken heart and mess of a life. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

suki44883

You weren't the catalyst for anything. He had choices and he made a lousy one. We need to get over the idea that we are so powerful that we can cause someone to do stupid crap. He's an adult and what he did had nothing to do with anything you might have said to him. Don't lay that on yourself.

steve1840

i have been dealing with guilt in my situation and am still in a rough place. but in noy way are you to blame for anything. he did what he did on his own. he actually caused his broken heart and mess of a life, not you. these are things i am just learning myself. believe me, i am completely sympathetic to your feelings, but really you did not cause that to happen. maybe jail can help him get clean.

sailorjohn

Well, you need to decide if you're responsible or not.

If you are responsible, please get in touch with me, I could use your superhuman powers to get some extra $$$ together and get the h*ll out of Iraq.

Seriously though, try focusing on the thought, I am responsible-for my actions.

His life. His mess.

Freedom1990

If you had the power to be a catalyst in his demise, then you were powerful enough to get him clean.

My EXAH did three terms in prison. No one sent him there but himself.

There are resources in prison for someone to better themselves.

I know for a fact that AA was alive and well in the prison my EXAH served his three terms in.

Are you seeking any recovery for yourself from the effects of his addiction?

Naranon and Alanon are two excellent programs where face-to-face support among other loved ones is given.

I recommend two books for you-"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

Please keep posting. This is not your fault in any way, shape or form.

Ann

Doing drugs in a crack house is a lot riskier than being in prison. At least he will have a chance to get clean there and learn there are consequences for his actions.

This might be a good time for you to find a meeting and work on your own recovery. It will help you learn why you spend your emotional time on a man who is actively using crack and stealing and going to prison. You deserve much better than this, I promise you.

Hugs

Kindeyes

stacecakes
You need a hug....and you need to listen to what all of these very wise (and very experienced) people are telling you. You DID NOT cause it, You CANNOT control it, and you CANNOT cure it. You are NOT responsible for him.....he is.

As the mother of an addict who is currently (and newly) in recovery, I can tell you that he hit some pretty low spots......he lost everything......he has no possessions......his car is broken down.......he was homeless. It hurt me to the very core of my being to see him continue to use drugs and spiral downwards......but I didn't do it to him. My love couldn't make him stop......if it could, none of us would be here.

Your friend is safe. He is in a place where there is help for his addiction if he CHOOSES to avail himself of it.

Guilt is only good when it serves a purpose (makes us call our mother or stops us from doing something stupid) but when it's just there eating a hole in us, it is no longer serving a useful purpose. It's time to let it go.

gentle hugs

Time4Me1

Thanks to all who have shared! I guess Its time to go and get help. I need to find a way to believe that he will be ok in prison and stop feeling guilty for moving on with my life.

dollydo

He will have 3 meals a day, a bed and is not in a crack house, to me, he is in a better place.

You didn't do anything to create his addiction, he has nutured it, he has embraced it. He is now responsible to pay the price for his actions.

Hopefully, this will be a wake up call.

Work on you, move forward, you have no control over his path in life.

Babyblue

People have painful, difficult, horrible breakups every day but they don't all run out to commite crimes and hideout in a crackhouse because of their heartbreak.

He is in jail because he cannot get a handle on his addiction, not because you broke his heart.

myernie

I am sort of in the same boat as you and I am just realizing we are NOT responsible for their actions. Take everyone's advice and read the books suggested! I just finished "Codependent No More" and started on "Woman Who Love Too Much." It has been an eye opener for me.

Time4Me1

I have both of these books and have read them, and reread them. They are highlighted and ear marked!! I am an information, self help junkie!! I can give others the best, researched based advice.........but I cant seem to change...lol!!!!!!!!!I am changing, but its a slow process. I have learned from this and I will work hard to once in for all incorporate all I have learned from counseling, forums, self-help books and EXPERIENCE!! A tough nut is hard to crack!!! I am glad to be back here. I joined in Dec or Jan when I was sure I was DONE with my dysfunctional relationship!! well he managed to real me back in with his promises and sad desperation for me. Each time I reached out to this forum and books I became stronger. Unfortunately I was still unable to break free. It took a tragedy and God's will to sever the relationship. I wish I would have been strong enough to walk away the last time. Any way. I still have a ways to go. I am working on letting go of the guilt!! Thanks to everyone here I will be successful!!

Babyblue

Just remember that the feelings you have are because you are a caring, loving person. There is nothing to feel guilty about!

No matter how hard and painful lessons are that we learn from being in relationships with addicts, you are growing as a person and learning new things about yourself in the process right? I try to take the positive lessons out of painful things, that helps me.

Time4Me1

Thanks Babyblue! I am learning! I just wish I could learn not to be attracted to the people that I am. I know that part of it is because I am caring, but I also believe it is because I have never allowed myself to be alone and feel comfortable caring for myself!! So now is the time!!!!!

outtolunch

Well said, John.

Back when, I used to feel responsible for my daughter's outcome. I eventually realized that it was nothing more than my own ego and belief that I had the power to control my daughter. In other words, it was all about me.

All the "yeah but" was nothing more than my own ego and strong preference to focus on trying to control someone else, instead of working on my own rather long list of shortcomings.

Getting, really getting, that I was powerless over my daughter ( and anyone else for that matter) was some of the hardest work I have done on myself.

This guy is a criminal and that alone is what landed him in prison.

Time4Me1

Ahhh yes... The power of the old ego!! My question is: If we are unable to help other people, then why are we so compelled if not encouraged to do so???????

Kindeyes

Good question. When you fly on a commercial airplane and they explain what to do if those little masks fall down, they always say "Put your own mask on first BEFORE helping anyone else."

That's actually a good lesson for life as well......often the best way we can help others, is to help ourselves first.

gentle hugs

crazybabie

[QUOTE=stacecakes;2760928]I feel this way because I cant stand the thought of him rotting away in prison and me being the catalyst for his demise. Does any one out there understand how and why I am feeling this way?? I understand that he is ultimately responsible for his own actions, but I feel like I abandoned himQUOTE]

I have two AS and an AH I have called the police on one of my sons for stealing from me. He stays in jail alot. I understand the thoughts of not wanting them too rot away in jail or prison all too well. The way I see that is YES, in my case I have pressed charges against my own son, however if it had been a stranger that stole from, me I would have so why should I treat him any differently and send him the message that what he did is ok.

Honestly, I feel better when my son is in jail sad but, true. I at least know he is, safe. He is in danger on the outside from things he has done too people, one man ran his truck through a motel roommy son was staying in because my son sold him some fake crack. You didn't do this he did.

I didn't do this too my son he did. I was my sons victim yet he plays the victim.

My sons actions are what got him in jail just as you Abf it was his choices and actions. My no means your fault.

Hugs,