allaboutheart

Hi! This is my first post here; I'm a little bit nervous but I'm very glad that I found it. I need some advice, but the stuff that's easily available online doesn't really apply to my situation. Hopefully someone here has had a similar experience and can give me their perspective.

So.... I suspect my girlfriend of cocaine use.

There have been a couple of occasions in the past where I felt like maybe she was on it, but we've never talked about it. A lot of the "tell-tale" signs of drug abuse apply to her - she's in the bathroom a lot, can get moody, etc. She's also a heavy smoker, a pothead, and a drinker, and we've had long discussions about how we both struggle with addiction (i also smoke cigarettes and pot, and i too drink more heavily than i should).

Anyway, last night we were at a club and she went to the bathroom. When she came back, she started to furiously make out with me and I smelled that medicine-like cocaine smell on her nose. This morning I found a clumpy white substance on the ground in my bathroom, by the toilet seat. It 's cakey, like coke that's been cut with a lot of baking soda.

I saved the substance, and I ordered a drug detection test through the Internet.

For a period of a few months back in 2007, I was a cocaine user. I've felt the negative effects of it firsthand, and I definitely don't want bad things to happen to someone I genuinely love. I also don't want to be around a cokehead! She was kind of flighty and annoying last night, instead of lovely and adorable.

I also understand why she's hiding this from me. Coke users are typically secretive already, and she's well aware of how I feel about cocaine. I also understand her impulse to do coke -- after all, I did it too for a while.

I definitely don't want to be judgmental. I really need to talk to her, though, and start to work this out. I love her, and I don't think that drug users are incapable of recovery. I want to help her.

The drug testing kit will be here in a couple of days, and if I confirm that the substance I found is cocaine then I'm going to need to talk to her. In the interim -- can I get some advice on how to bring it up? Talking to her about this is terrifying -- I remember how much of a *JERK* I was when people who cared about me tried to intervene in my drug use. If people could share their experiences I would be so grateful.

Keep in mind that we use other drugs together, and I don't plan on that ending anytime soon (this is one of the reasons why the online advice isn't as applicable).

I really appreciate it.

Freedom1990

To be honest, that statement left me rather gobsmacked.

You don't want her using cocaine, but it's okay if she uses other drugs, including alcohol. Am I understanding that correctly?

allaboutheart

yes, that is correct.

i'm sure that my opinions about drugs are different than a lot of people in this forum -- all substances are not created equal, and there are different dangers and problems with each. i've casually used many different drugs over quite a while - i found cocaine to be particularly insidious.

So I'm okay with her use of other substances. I don't think that there's anything wrong with the moderate use of many drugs, including marijuana and alcohol. We've both been working together to reduce our consumption, and I readily admit that neither of us is currently as "moderate" as we ought to be.

My problem is with the particular drug, because I've witnessed how horrendous that drug is. I'd feel the same way if she were using heroin or meth. I'm also troubled with the secrecy. We've been in a relationship for a year now, and we're supposedly in love with each other. Hiding something like this is a pretty big deal.

suki44883

With all due respect, I don't think someone who uses drugs has any business confronting someone else about using drugs, especially when the two people do drugs together. The whole situation is ridiculous.

Kindeyes

allaboutheart
I'm glad you're here and I hope that you find some of the responses you get to be helpful.

As a woman, I can honestly say that I sometimes spend a lot of time in the bathroom and have been known to be moody from time to time. I don't do drugs or drink. But often I find that my gut is pretty reliable and for the most part, I trust it.

In a strong, healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss your concerns with your SO and lay out your boundaries. In turn, as long as those boundaries are within reason, they should be respected. This is how my dear husband and I have dealt with our occasional problems for the last 25 years (and yes.....I still love him, respect him and even like him!)

I hope that you find that the white substance was nothing more than baking soda she was using to brush her teeth or something.

gentle hugs to you

Freedom1990

Sorry but I just don't have any personal experience to share that would apply to your situation.

I don't know of anyone here who would.

allaboutheart

Thanks, Kindeyes. I still need some advice breaching this topic though!!

To suki: I realize that I'm new to this discussion board, but from reading its description I got the impression that it was supposed to be for support and not derision. Obviously we have a difference of opinion - I don't see drugs themselves as a "black and white" issue, and I know from my own experience that there is an incredibly large difference between weed and coke.

Anyway, if you aren't compelled by nuance that's totally fine. I understand that many people like hard lines and aren't into gray areas. Nonetheless, the sniping is quite unnecessary.

Freedom1990

With all due respect, this is SoberRecovery. Notice the word 'recovery' in the title?

People come here to seek recovery, whether it's from codependency, addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, etc.

Your basic dilemma has nothing to do with recovery, but rather with how do you get your girlfriend to stop doing cocaine while both of you are still using other drugs.

She is what she is, and will do what she does. You can't control her.

What do you hope confrontation will accomplish?

Hollyanne

Hi Allabout,
It is a little strange but if that is what your "boundaries" are, you just tell her.
"I know we do drugs and drink our heads off Sweety but I have done coke and it is a scary one. So, if you insist that you don't do it, or you do but won't stop, I am afraid we have to break up. I do really advise you not to continue with coke however as it is a very deadly drug and it frankly scares me"
You could also add;
"I also am afraid of meth and heroin so please do not think of switching to them"
And then maybe;
"Come to think of it Sweety, I don't like ecstasy or horse tranquilizer or poppers either"

cece1960

JMO, I would not appreciate one bit that the person I loved went behind my back and ordered a test to see if I was doing a drug he disagreed with. Why not just ask her?

And to be clear, this site is filled with many people who have come together over very painful experiences that center around the addiction of loved ones, and that includes addiction to all substances, including pot and alcohol. Please don't minimize the input of others who have walked their own path.

I wish you luck, and I too hope this is a misunderstanding between you and your GF.

allaboutheart

I don't expect to control her, nor would I want to. I do need to talk to her directly, however, so that I can figure out how exactly I feel about it and what I'd like to do. What I "hope to accomplish" is communication, as opposed to secrecy -- communication itself is valuable. Once we've spoken directly, I'll be able to think more clearly about this and its implications in terms of what actions I may take.

Well, this subset of the discussion board is for family members of people with drug problems, correct? To me, that made me think that there would be people here who had gone through the process of speaking directly with loved ones who are using drugs.

Do I need to be in the same position as the average user on this site in order to solicit advice from them? Do I necessarily have to be in agreement ideologically with you in order to benefit from your shared experience?

I don't think so.

Anyway-- this back-and-forth is fruitless. Apparently something about my post offended you, and apparently we think differently about this topic. I'm looking, however, for constructive comments.

allaboutheart

Hmmm... I guess this thread was a mistake. Nevermind.

Chino

Addiction is a black and white issue, recreational use and substance abuse is the gray area because of where it can lead.

If someone is an addict with a drug of choice, using another mood altering drug to get high is simply swapping addictions.

I suspect if you posed this question in the addiction forum, you'd get more of the same answers from recovering addicts, and probably a few questions about your own use.

Kindeyes

allaboutheart
I'm going to try to explain why some here are getting quite heated about your post. It is based upon their own personal experiences with drugs....some from the point of a recovered addict and some from the point of view of someone who loves an addict. Some of our addicts have died from their disease.....some have had their lives literally demolished. So there isn't much tolerance for moderated drug use because we've seen it go from moderated to distructive.....to deadly.

In trying to remain non-judgemental about your choices, I am trying to give you a response that is not triggered by my own personal experiences.

There is nothing that I can't talk to my husband about. Nothing. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree (politics often fall into that category). So I would simply sit down and be considerate, non-accusatory, but direct and express my concerns to my husband. I would listen patiently. I wouldn't feel the need to launch a strategy in order to speak with him. One thing I would certainly make sure of....that whomever I'm speaking to isn't under the influence of anything at the time I elect to begin my discussion.

But as you mentioned, talking with someone who is actively using drugs or excessive amounts of alcohol can be very difficult.

I wish the best for you.

gentle hugs

Freedom1990

Correct.

Come to think of it, I do have experience.

I spoke directly to my loved one, the man I was married to at one time, about his drug use.

It did no good.

The odd thing was once he was gone to rehab (court-ordered, nothing that I had done), there was nothing left between me and my own addictions.

I finally hit my own bottom and ended up in rehab.

I embraced recovery.

He didn't.

I'm still alive.

He's dead.

That's my experience in dealing with a significant other's drug use.

Ann

You may be looking in the wrong place here. Maybe one of the Substance Abuse forums might be more helpful to you or your plight.

You see, most of us here have been to hell and back because our loved ones are or were addicted to drugs. Too many here have loved ones who died because of drugs. My own son has been missing over 6 years because he is lost in his addiction somewhere.

There is nothing "constructive" I could tell you...except to do whatever you need to do to stop...and my guess is you would scoff at the suggestions, perhaps because you're not like "those" people.

I wish you luck, friend, really I do, but this forum is not for anyone who thinks using drugs is okay. Not on my shift, not while there is a breath left in my body. Because I have too much respect for the mamas who have lost their children, the spouses who have lost their loved ones, and the babies who grow up without a parent...because drugs were not okay for those people.

allaboutheart

Kindeyes: I appreciate that, and your advice. I suppose that everyone is different, and everyone's experiences with these types of serious "talks" is unique. I guess I just wanted a little bit of support, and also if anyone has any anecdotes they could share it would be helpful...

I, too, know people who have died, and others who have not died but have done incredibly stupid things with long-term consequences. Saying that I believe that moderate use of certain substances is okay was not intended to mitigate the experiences of others-- experiences that I understand are completely horrible... My experiences haven't been the same as yours-- as I said, I did coke for a few months and stopped when I realized that I was developing a problem; that was almost four years ago. I didn't require treatment and i haven't been tempted to do cocaine since then. My friends who were using with me all did the same thing.

I realize that the experiences of others have led them to come to different conclusions than I have.

But as I said-- difference of opinion or not, I think that it's perfectly reasonable for me to ask for advice from people who have been through situations that are perhaps not perfectly analogous but similar.

Anyway, I do appreciate your advice... I definitely didn't want to talk to her while under the influence or on the morning immediately thereafter, which made for a really heavy and uncomfortable night and morning... I'll be seeing her again after the weekend, and I'm hoping to have the conversation then.

I know that someone criticized me for buying a drug test, but I don't think it's too terrible -- I think it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that what I found is coke, so the drug test is less an invasion of privacy and more an attempt to be absolute sure... I mean, it's a little terrifying! I don't want to ask her if she's on drugs based only on circumstantial evidence...

Seren

When my A stepson's family finally all stopped enabling him during his fun-filled crack days, he became angry, beligerent , verbally abusive, denied everything inspite of all of the concrete evidence of his crack use, and threatened to kill one of his brothers, his sister, and his father.

If and when you confront her about her drug use, expect anger, denial, and blame shifting. You said yourself that you lashed out at people when you were confronted about your own use, right. Be prepared for the same when you talk to your GF.

Best of luck to you with all of it, HG

Kindeyes

allaboutheart
One more thing I will share with you because your situation is fairly similar to a recent discussion I had with my son. He was also terribly upset because his girlfriend is using some hard drugs and he sees her on a path that could turn out very tragic. He was, like you, using many of those same substances with her (plus a few of his own choice).

My advice to him was......show her how to do it. Be her role model.

He entered drug rehab last Saturday.

gentle hugs

cece1960

Ok...so I'll bite.
Lets pretend you said nothing about using drugs...let's pretend that you are simply asking "How do I approach the subect?"

You ask her. Plain and simple. I brought up the issue about the drug test because it seems that would imply that you would be accusing her, and would like to be sure, and not wrong in your accusations. No one like to be set up, and I can assure you she will feel set up. I can also tell you that the chances of her coming clean over simply the question is not likely, as you already seem to know.

Perhaps the bigger question is what will you do with the information?

While you make it clear that cocaine is not acceptable to you (and you have every right to feel that way) do you not see the irony of someone who uses drugs stating that using drugs is not acceptable? Gray area or not, I can just about guarentee you that is the path she will take with her response. Afterall, its an easy out, is it not?