cedes2012

I find it really hard to trust my fiance who is an addict after all he has done to me to betray my trust. Even when he is sober I find it really hard to believe anything that he says. If anything goes missing everyone blame's him. I've had to hide my wallet, checkbook, and all my cards away from him because I don't trust him I fear that he will steal from me again. This is not a healthy relationship. But I really want to make it work for our daughter, and because I know he is a great man on the inside. but how do you get past all the trust issues that this addiction has caused.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

cedes2012

I know i am a terrible selfish mother for putting her through this when it has always been my choice to stick around and be there for him when he is not there for us. I really feel guilty about that all the time.

Kindeyes

cedes
there are a couple of posts at the top of this forum that might be beneficial for you to read if you have not already done so.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I am concerned about you.

gentle hugs

dollydo

Yes, I agree you are being very selfish and unfair to your daughter however it appears that you have no intention of changing the situation.

With that said, can your parents take your daughter, she needs to be in sane enviorment, one where she is the priorty and not exposed to his toxic behavior because of your bad choices.

As for trust, he is an active drug user, a thief, a lier and so much more, there is nothing to build trust on.

I too am concerned, not about you, but your daughter.

meditation

cedes many of the posters here are in various stages of dealing with their addict loved ones. Some are still detaching and some are riding it out, it's personal journey dealing with addicts. I am a recovering addict, I can say that if my family had detached I might have sought help earlier. I finally came to my senses and got help. I had to reach a point that I did not want to keep on feeling the way I was feeling, emotionally. Families have to hit bottoms too to decide when it's time to move on and start anew. I hope you can get some relief and serenity. It is a hard journey. But the rewards for families and addicts are freedom and peace.

smacked

Thanks for saving me a bunch of typing.

Doesn't matter how guilty you feel about how you've treated your daughter, and neglected to protect her. Facts are facts, those are the choices you've made so far. I hope someone protects her.

MsPINKAcres

((cedes))

Hi & Welcome to SR -
Sounds like you are really living in a difficult situation -

A home with active addiction is a very scary life ~ I'm sure you must have all types of emotions.

I remember sleeping the same way, with my keys, cell phone & purse right next to me, it was the only way I knew to try to control the situation - but really I wasn't controlling anything - the disease was controlling me.

I learned a lot by attending Al-Anon meetings, reading & talking with ppl here on SR, and reading recovery literature - for me - It helped me and the God of my understanding find the strength, courage and wisdom to walk away to a new, happier and healthier life.

I do not know what is best for you or your daughter - but I do know that YOU have choices (something I didn't know that I had for a long time)

Please consider some of the things that are mention to help you learn more about the disease, the progression of an addict, how to protect yourself and your daughter and then give yourself the ability to look at what may be best for both of you.

After all both of you deserve to live Happy, Joyous and Free from the daily stress.

You are both WORTH it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Freedom1990

A gentle reminder to those responding:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html

meditation

Thanks for posting that Freedom. I know for me as a RA, that when I asked for help or needed help I needed love, encouragement, acceptance just like what PinkAcres gave to Cedes.

Pink you've got such wonderful shining recovery, such compassion and love and I think you deserve a kudo for your post.

nodaybut2day

cedes...why waste time feeling guilty for your daughter when you can put the past where it belongs (behind you) and start to take action to protect yourself and your child from an abusive man? I understand how horrid it must feel, but you CAN change things.

As the mother to a little girl, the former partner of an abusive alcoholic and drug user, I have to ask what you think your daughter is learning about how partners treat each other if you continue to live with a man who abuses you? Can you for a moment imagine her as a grown adult, engaging in a relationship with a thief, a liar, a drug addict who abuses her?

For me, that was the image that forced me to get off my sorry @ss, put on my big girl panties and leave my XAH. I may have felt like *I* didn't deserve better than him, but there was NO WAY IN HELL he was abusing my innocent child.

Have you called the National Domestic Violence Hotline to get some advice and perhaps some resources in your area?
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

There are ways to leave. You have options. Yon don't have to live like this. Your daughter doesn't have to grow up thinking that an abusive relationship is all she deserves.

DaisyBuchanan

I honestly believe you can't trust an active addict. I think they will do anything to keep their addiction going, so stealing, lying, cheating is always an option for them. The addiction comes first. They are chained to it. How can you trust a person whose #1 priority is getting high?

Cyranoak

She's 15 now. The worse thing I ever did was keep her in a home with her alcoholic mother for seven years.

Really? For your daughter you stay? You stay? He's a great man inside? Do you and your daughter live with the inside man or the outside man? I didn't live with the great woman inside. I lived with the outside woman. She was drunk, angry, resentful and destructive, and completely absent as a mother. Aaagh! Please read your own posts as if they were written by somebody else. You may be shocked by what you've written.

Good God. You are actually actually poised to make the same horrendous mistakes I did. You might be joining me in ruining a daughter's childhood when it could have been saved. The icing on the cake for me is that she's showing all the signs of being an accomplished alcoholic like her mother and a control freak like me. I also get to listen to her ask me why the hell I kept her in that environment as a child. That's fun.

I'm the best father ever!

If I had it to do over again, if I had the strength and power, I would get her as far away as possible as fast as possible and never look back. I pray every day she doesn't become an alcoholic, but I busted her last year smoking dope and having unprotected sex and it's not looking good. Now I pray it stays dope, and she doesn't get a venereal disease or pregnant. When I asked her what she was thinking she said she didn't know-- she just felt the need to do it and thought it would make her feel better. Sound familiar? Imagine that. Imagine that.

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..."

Cyranoak