lostdad3

Just signed-up today and posted the below in the wrong area, but got some good advice by those "one the other side" (not my words, but a nice gentleman in early recovery)

Little about my situation :

My wife is five months into recovery. Learned of her addiction to OXY in January, after 5-6 years of use. Learned a few weeks later of her prior use of coccaine during our 4+ years of dating. The bumpy road started about a year earlier when I learned of her promiscuity while we were dating. It seems like I just keep learning about my wife's secret life a little more as time goes by. We have been together for 14+ years, and married for 9 years. We have three young children.

Since she came home from rehab, it has been a difficult 4 months. While she was away, she was diagnosed with ADD and bi-Polar. I see that she is trying, but as she has told me, she is not at the point to "let me in." She goes to meetings pretty much every night and goes out after the meetings for hours. She finally has a sponsor, and seems to have a good support group. I say this from what little I know, as I am not "in." We talk very little and spend no time alone together. She doesn't want that yet.

I am exhausted and do not know how long I can live with this "roommate." I have more or less been a single father for the past two years. My wife does not work, so I am the lone provider for the family. I come home from work and get "report" from my wife on what has happened since the kids got home from school, and then she goes and gets all dressed up to go to her meeting and socialize for hours afterwards.

I have tried naranon and alanon, but it is tough to fit in while trying to be there for the kids everynight and weekend.

I don't know how long I can keep going as a "roommates," and not good ones at that.

Living moment to moment!

catlovermi

If the kids are school age and she is not employed during daytime hours, there is no reason she cannot choose daytime meetings, and share household tasks at night, and also free you up to get yourself to some alanon meetings for support for you.

That she CHOOSES conveniently to be gone all night every night is not recovery, it's enabled escape. (This is what addicts do - they escape.)

Now, you have choices to make.

There is no reason you must shoulder everything, while she gets a free ride.

Welcome to SR, and we know your frustration!

More will be along to post their thoughts...

CLMI

Chino

Do you have any family or friends who can help you with childcare? Have you looked for meetings that provide child care?

Kindeyes

lostdad
Welcome to SR.....although I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Although going to face to face meetings like Alanon or Naranon would be great, you've come to a great place to get a lot of support and understanding. The Friends and Family of Substances Abusers or F&F of Alcoholics are both great areas to air your concerns and begin to learn of ways that you can take care of yourself.

Stick around. Read the "sticky" threads at the top of the forums. Learn as much as you can. Share your story and others will share theirs with you. We get so much love, support, guidance, encouragement, and hope from each other. I don't know what I'd do without my SR Family.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve it and your worth it.

gentle hugs

lc1972

I feel your pain in the way you wrote the post. I myself feel that I am doing most everything all the time and I am tired everyday. I make sure to look and appreciate my children everyday, especially that they go to bed happy. I have not made it to any meetings myself because of taking care of the kids also. I am going to one this week when my husband gets out of detox. I have decided that is worth the $20 for the babysitter. I also know what addiction does to your finances so if paying a sitter is an issue then you should talk to your wife. If you want to go to meetings (it is a very good thing to do) then maybe talk to your wife and say on this night I would like to go to a meeting. I know that you are working really hard, but I also need to work on me.

I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers

lostdad3

Our youngest is in preschool 2 days a week for a few hours. During that time she goes to her therapist/psychologist. I support the meetings, but going to dinner every night after the meeting with her "group" is just a bit much. I have talked about it with her, and she just says that it is part of her recovery.

Hollyanne

Lost,
You need to toughen up I think.
That is really taking the pi$$! Give me a break.
Where is she getting all the money for this?
You need to get to a meeting ASAP! If you find one person who is giving that much "support" to the addict spouse, you can ignore my comment. Sobering up is hard but on the addict NOT the spouse/ sig. other!

hello-kitty

She sounds very selfish - which isn't surprising. Addicts are very selfish.

Unfortunately, there's only two things you can control - your actions and your reactions to other peoples actions.

It's up to you to decide what you what is acceptable treatment in your marriage. It's not just about her and her addiction. It's about the way she treats you. It's your life. If it's not acceptable to you, you have every right, as a human being, to set boundaries and make changes to your situation.

I know it's hard.

But thats all you can do. Actually, its your responsibility to yourself. And your children. They learn what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship by watching how their parents treat each other. What are they learning from her? What are they learning from you?

Freedom1990

I needed a lot of meetings too when I first got clean/sober. However, I was the single parent of an 8 year old daughter, and had daughter #2 two years later (and still a single parent). There were other responsibilities too. I didn't have the luxury your wife seems to have.

I could see going out to dinner/coffee/etc once a week maybe. I agree with Catlovermi, it's escaping for her.

Is it possible for you to get to one meeting a week for yourself, Alanon or Naranon?

You really need some support for yourself!