steve1840

yes, higher power, i am powerless, i am completly powerless over this, over me, her addiction, my thoughts. i cant do this alone. i have been holding back a cry for weeks now. and now i am at the bottom i wish she could find, and i realize how messed up it is to even say that. i'm not close to anyone else i can share this with.

i keep trying to take every little step forward as a positive. even just looking forward to going home to eat and sleep is at least something. i've been reading books, going to meetings, talking to people from naranon, i re-read so many old posts and messages. work on you, work on yourself, what are you doing for you. aahhh.

how?

how do you do it. i feel so stuck. i feel like i am writhing at the bottom of something, maybe my bottom. but even there, even knowing this is my thing, i cannot come to peace with the situation. i dont want to live in this agony for long and deep down inside i know i will get better. maybe its a growing pain. i feel so lost and powerless. i cant go see her, i cant give kind words, they's mean nothing anyway, i cant be withthe person i liked/loved so much, i cant know how she is, how she will be, if she'll ever get better. then i think of everyone else's pain for their loved ones and i am about to blow.

you know i have learned some things. but not enough yet. i learned about being powerless over addiction, and about letting them find their way. i have not learned to totally let go. i can for a while but then thoughts come back. i have not learned how to not want to see her soon. i have not learned how to live my life like this isnt happening, or to live my life before this happened.

i need to vent my frustrations here, because i have no one in my life to share this with who "knows" i have to get to that point of thinking positive, but there is such a weight on the other side preventing it. i say i want to give up, but that leaves me in the same place i am. maybe chocolate chip cookies will help later or some lifting.

i whine and whine and ask questions over and over. my peace is fleeting. and accepting the reality that she may takes months or years or never find that bottom sets off this despair in me. not being able to check up on her fuels it more, knowing i cant know anything sustains it.

and then realizing the focus is not on me makes me question, why cant i focus on me.

here is a dream i had two nights ago:

I dreamed that it was a regular kind of day like yesterday. Clear. Comfortable. I was wearing my usual kind of clothes jeans, work boots, but would run from time to time. My leg muscles would totally tighten up so that I could not move. Then I’d be fine, then it would happen again. Then I was at train tracks, I have been to this place in dreams before I think. It felt like a familiar dream. There were about 4 sets of tracks. I attempted to cross but my legs stopped working. I had to use my arms to move and a train was coming in the distance. I could barely move and made no progress. I could feel the rails beneath me and realized that the train would pass on another set of tracks. I continued to struggle but had not an ounce of energy in me and was like a turtle on its back, nearly helpless. It seemed another train was coming. It was actually work trucks on the tracks and as I was climbing to get out of the way, they passed on the track next to mine.

tam

steve, have you seen a dr. maybe talk about some medication? it might help with anxiety, obessive thinking, etc.
I hope you at least will talk to one and consider trying something

steve1840

yeah, meds were kinda helping w the anxiety, but seem to have tappered off. seeing about an increase in dosage.

MsPINKAcres

((Steve))

oh my friend, I hear the pain in your post - my heart breaks for you -

this isn't easy, as tam suggested, our physical bodies do need professional help many many times -

we have been thru many tramas - mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually ~

just as a person needs many weeks to heal from an injury or surgery - we need the TLC to heal from this - Please Please Please give yourself lots of what is good, healthy and recovery oriented!!

H A L T

hungry
angry
lonely
tired

baby steps - at first - try to focus on these 4 things is what other suggested to me -

hungry - eat just a little
angry - journal or keep posting here
lonely - seek out healthy friends
tired - get the rest your body needs (especially see a physician if you aren't resting properly)

Just the suggestions that were shared with me as I walked a similiar path

PINK HUGS,
Rita

steve1840

thanks rita. i guess my feeling are "normal" in this situation. i dont know.

Kindeyes

Steve
You may be doing better than you give yourself credit for. For a long time, I had no peace--I was like you--obsessed by my thoughts and wanting to "fix" my AS. Slowly (very slowly) I began to take care of myself and I would get ten minutes here and there of "peace". Ten minutes......if I was lucky. Then I was able to get those ten minutes to be 1/2 hour. And so on. I still have periods of time where I am obsessed by thoughts of my AS.....what is he doing, is he ok, etc., BUT those periods of obsessing last ten minutes NOT hours.

It's a process. And you are new to the process. Keeping working on it. It takes time to change a thought process and redirect it. Give yourself a chance. You're ok. Breathe.

gentle hugs

laurie6781

Steve are you using The Serenity Prayer?

I use it a lot. I have found you cannot wear it out. However, for it to work for me I had to 'analyze' it.

God,

Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change. Hmmmm, the things I cannot not change are everything and everyone around me.

COURAGE to a change the things I can. Hmmmmm, that was just me and no one else.

And the WISDOM to know the difference. Yep, I can only change me.

Now throughout my recovery, both from alcohol and drugs, and from being a codie, I would say there have been days when I may have said that prayer 100 times. But you know what? Each time I have said it I have found moments, minutes, and sometimes hours of peace.

Like I said, I also found I cannot wear it out.

So ..................... when the self doubt comes, when the thoughts become obsessive, please try using the Serenity Prayer.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

suki44883

There's also this:

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

cherrie1

Steve I too have been where you are and still have bad days but slowly more good days than bad. I had to go to a Dr. and be put on an anti-depressant. It was the best thing. I was in bed for 3 weeks when my son got arrested, I could not face anything or anyone. It is also hard when we have to keep this secret from some because friends are the ones who get us through. Be sure to post here as much as you need to because we all understand and are going through things. I am dealing with two sons in recovery, one clean for 15 months and worked through his legal issues. The other newly into recovery and still has consequences to face. Lately I have not been doing great because I tend to hold everything in but I do know it will get better. Hang in there we will all get through this together.

wicked

Thank you cherrie1.
Steve, the medication is worth a try. I did not want to admit I had a depressive disorder, it seems silly now, but it was easier to say I am an alcoholic than I am depressed.
But, the medication, after I quit drinking, I had no idea what kind of life I was missing.
I did not know that I could feel "good".
I could feel, and get thru it without chemical numbness.
This kind of emotional hijacking, whether it is self-induced or other induced takes time to heal. Be easy and talk to a doctor.

Beth

steve1840

i am doing both- meds and therapy

MsPINKAcres

some moments when it all feels too much - I couldn't even say the full serenity prayer - I would just say
God
Serenity
Courage
Wisdom

and just focus on those 4 words over & over & over

it helped then
and it still helps now

steve1840

i narrowed it down to a two word mantra- please god