Yep, I'm a codie!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Yep, I'm a codie!
It has been about 5 days since my wife left detox. So I thought a little update was in order.
What am I doing for myself since then? Well I have gotten "Codependent No More" and am about 2/3 of the way through it. Obviously no magical cure but quite eye opening. And yes, that is me! Didn't get to go to the NarAnon meeting on Saturday but there is a CoDA meeting close to work in 45 minutes today so I am heading that way as soon as I am done posting.
As for my wife, well I don't know...
When she came back, she gave this story that they were under-medicating her and that they didn't realize that she was on 8mg 2x/day and not once a day and apparently they almost had to take her to hospital on Tuesday (hmm). So now she was bumped back up to 4mg 2x/day and the doctor set her up on a new taper plan which she will get in writing when she sees him Wed. So yeah, considering how bad her withdrawls got, you would think the doctor would be more quick to seeing her considering they sent her home with no meds to continue the taper. Of course luckily, her last refill of Suboxone had been ordered so she has that to use at the moment.
The pills are in a safe and she asked me to dole them out. I don't plan on controlling them and will just comply to her demand for now. If she wants the whole bottle, she can have it but I can't guarantee her suitcase won't be on the porch the next day.
She has been going to the outpatient program so far. But of course complains of how boring and pointless it seems. Not a big surprise to me... She also came home will all the promises of how she would clean up the house, do the laundry, ... So far she still hasn't done anything...
So it seems like not much changed, likely on a break to ease me off until the next "pill attack" happens.
In the meantime, I am just working on myself and getting the tools I need to move on. One question though, in what way is setting boundaries different than using threats as a codependant? Is it the difference between a real action/consequence versus just an idle threat in order to get the other party to comply?
What am I doing for myself since then? Well I have gotten "Codependent No More" and am about 2/3 of the way through it. Obviously no magical cure but quite eye opening. And yes, that is me! Didn't get to go to the NarAnon meeting on Saturday but there is a CoDA meeting close to work in 45 minutes today so I am heading that way as soon as I am done posting.
As for my wife, well I don't know...
When she came back, she gave this story that they were under-medicating her and that they didn't realize that she was on 8mg 2x/day and not once a day and apparently they almost had to take her to hospital on Tuesday (hmm). So now she was bumped back up to 4mg 2x/day and the doctor set her up on a new taper plan which she will get in writing when she sees him Wed. So yeah, considering how bad her withdrawls got, you would think the doctor would be more quick to seeing her considering they sent her home with no meds to continue the taper. Of course luckily, her last refill of Suboxone had been ordered so she has that to use at the moment.
The pills are in a safe and she asked me to dole them out. I don't plan on controlling them and will just comply to her demand for now. If she wants the whole bottle, she can have it but I can't guarantee her suitcase won't be on the porch the next day.
She has been going to the outpatient program so far. But of course complains of how boring and pointless it seems. Not a big surprise to me... She also came home will all the promises of how she would clean up the house, do the laundry, ... So far she still hasn't done anything...
So it seems like not much changed, likely on a break to ease me off until the next "pill attack" happens.
In the meantime, I am just working on myself and getting the tools I need to move on. One question though, in what way is setting boundaries different than using threats as a codependant? Is it the difference between a real action/consequence versus just an idle threat in order to get the other party to comply?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something has changed, Sebby, and that something is you.
You are working on your own recovery and finding your balance again.
That's all good, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
Enjoy your meeting. CoDA was my home fellowship for many years and is a terrific program.
Hugs
You are working on your own recovery and finding your balance again.
That's all good, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
Enjoy your meeting. CoDA was my home fellowship for many years and is a terrific program.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
One question though, in what way is setting boundaries different than using threats as a codependant? Is it the difference between a real action/consequence versus just an idle threat in order to get the other party to comply?
It's not about controlling anyone else, it's deciding how we will live and then doing so.
There are consequences for those who will not respect our boundaries, and we each have to decide what we will need to do to enforce them.
For example, I have a boundary that I will only have conversations that are respectful. If they become heated or angry, the conversation is over and I will hang up/leave the room/leave the office or house or do whatever I need to do to ensure the conversation is over. I will only continue the conversation when cooler heads prevail.
People can respect my boundary or talk to the wind...I do not control what they choose.
Hope that helps a little.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Sebby, Glad you are doing these things. I think you figured out the boundary thing yourself.
Codependent boundary = trying to change her with them.
Healthy boundary= actual boundary stating what YOU will tolerate, and being willing to enforce them.
Also, do not bother with all the dosages etc. All addicts are obsessed with that kind of stuff.
You do not need that stuff taking up space in your head!
Best of luck. Keep strong.
Codependent boundary = trying to change her with them.
Healthy boundary= actual boundary stating what YOU will tolerate, and being willing to enforce them.
Also, do not bother with all the dosages etc. All addicts are obsessed with that kind of stuff.
You do not need that stuff taking up space in your head!
Best of luck. Keep strong.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Bounderies are set in place to protect you, not the toxic person you are dealing with. What behavior is acceptable to you and what behavior is not. And, if a boundery is in place it must be enforced...if not, the toxic person will run all over you. They will be in the drivers seat and you will be sitting in the back seat.
Bottom line, say what you mean and mean what you say.
I am glad that you are working on you!
Bottom line, say what you mean and mean what you say.
I am glad that you are working on you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Sounds like you are doing well Sebby!
Listen to Ann, she described boundries very well. My ex plowed right through all the boundries I set until I stopped trying to control his behavior and started working on mine. Once I started setting boundries on myself instead of him it all started coming together for me.
BTW stop listening to the quacking about dosages, tapering plans blah blah blah, thats hers to deal with, not yours!
Most of all, when dealing with an addict remember this, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Keep us updated!
Teggie
Listen to Ann, she described boundries very well. My ex plowed right through all the boundries I set until I stopped trying to control his behavior and started working on mine. Once I started setting boundries on myself instead of him it all started coming together for me.
BTW stop listening to the quacking about dosages, tapering plans blah blah blah, thats hers to deal with, not yours!
Most of all, when dealing with an addict remember this, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Keep us updated!
Teggie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Thanks all for the support.
The CoDA meeting was pretty good. Somehow I though it might be good to ease in and get comfortable with the concept. Just felt like NarAnon would be too "hardcore".
I am just sick and tired of being sick ant tired. So I have to do what I need to take care of myself. I will keep posting here, reading, going to some meetings and just try to take care of my health in general.
As for my wife, I don't sense a real will to change in her. Maybe it will stick sooner rather than later for her own sake and health. But even so, lots of damage has been done to our relationship. Even if she really got better and that I could forgive her, not sure I can forget... Although, I guess resentment would be a little codependent. In a way it's my own fault for not leaving earlier...
She hasn't done anything bad since she returned and seems to be following "the plan" (whatever that means). Hehe. But I still have to get the guts and set some boundaries. She needs to start stepping up and take care of her responsibilities around the house.
The CoDA meeting was pretty good. Somehow I though it might be good to ease in and get comfortable with the concept. Just felt like NarAnon would be too "hardcore".
I am just sick and tired of being sick ant tired. So I have to do what I need to take care of myself. I will keep posting here, reading, going to some meetings and just try to take care of my health in general.
As for my wife, I don't sense a real will to change in her. Maybe it will stick sooner rather than later for her own sake and health. But even so, lots of damage has been done to our relationship. Even if she really got better and that I could forgive her, not sure I can forget... Although, I guess resentment would be a little codependent. In a way it's my own fault for not leaving earlier...
She hasn't done anything bad since she returned and seems to be following "the plan" (whatever that means). Hehe. But I still have to get the guts and set some boundaries. She needs to start stepping up and take care of her responsibilities around the house.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by sebby1234 
One question though, in what way is setting boundaries different than using threats as a codependant? Is it the difference between a real action/consequence versus just an idle threat in order to get the other party to comply?
So glad to hear that you are focusing on yourself. Recognizing those co-dependent behaviors is great!
Boundaries......Ann did a great job of describing good boundaries.
My AS tends to try to employ guilt tactics and if those don't work he moves into a straight on verbal assault to get me to do what he wants me to do. I am learning that boundaries don't have to be emphasized with tone of voice or volume or body language or facial expressions. They just need to be stated clearly, calmly and firmly. And boundaries are about what I will accept......not about changing the addict (or anybody else for that matter).
As was said above.....say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean.
Good work!
gentle hugs
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