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Tough situation regarding older brother

Old 11-01-2010, 02:33 PM
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Tough situation regarding older brother

Hello all, I'm happy to be a new member of the community here. You all seem like a knowledgeable and supporting bunch which is why I chose to look here for maybe some guidance and advice from the experienced.


A little background:

I am twenty years old, my name is Troy(feel free to call me that). In my family I have two older half-brothers(through our father) who are 20+ years my senior.We'll say their names are Jimmy and Tommy.

Jimmy was the oldest and was very close with our middle brother, Tommy. Jimmy had his own demons in life and for a long time was a struggling alcoholic. Long story short, he eventually turned his life around and became an AA sponsor.

Jimmy passed away this past March at the age of 41. Towards the end of his life, our middle brother Tommy developed a substance habit. Jimmy lost money among several other things including emotional foundation, a potential marriage, and almost a job due to my brothers abuse.

Since then, Tommy had been abusing painkillers and god knows what else until he did a stint in rehab over the summer. He lasted 30 days and was supposed to be("supposed") sober when he moved back here to Ohio.

After he moved back in it slowly became apparent that he was not. My parents have found evidence of substance abuse throughout the house(an empty xanax bottle and syringes) and have confronted him about it. He got very defensive and left to be with his mother, who is in poor health. She lives in Virginia.

Now, here's where my dilemma lies:

My brother Tommy has been in charge of distributing Jimmy's estate since his death. We had a meeting with a lawyer here in Ohio this past Thursday when the amount of my inheritance suddenly dropped. I did not say anything at the time but have since talked to my mom about it, which prompted aforementioned situation during which Tommy left for Virginia.

My brother has all of the ingredients for addiction: a lot of money, a lot of friends, and even more money on the way from my brothers estate. My mom has suggested to me that since my brother has given me the power of attorney over his estate and health care, that I put some kind of stipulation to block the funds from Jimmy's 401k that are coming his way (We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars).

Doing this could possibly force him into rehabilitation and whatnot.

However, I'm facing a kind of moral dilemma. Tommy of course swears up and down that he's not on drugs. That the xanax was prescribed for his anxiety(does not explain why they are gone after two weeks) and that the needles were intramuscular and could not be used for an intravenous injection(my brother is an admitted steroid user). I'm not entirely sure what to believe. I know that addicts are manipulative and I try to keep that in mind but..forcing my older brother into rehabilitation and blocking access to his funds..just seems difficult for me to accomplish without burning some bridges and causing a lot of turmoil amidst our family.

I have already been in contact with a lawyer and am waiting to here what exactly I can do legal-wise. However I'm not entirely sure that if the option to send him to rehabilitation involuntarily is available, that I'll be able to take it.

Has anyone here had a similar experience? What did/would you do?

I appreciate your responses ahead of time, thank you.
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Old 11-01-2010, 02:44 PM
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Hello TWill, Welcome to this site. Let me start off by saying I'm very sorry about the death of your older brother Jimmy. That's very sad, and his age was very young. As far as your other brother goes, you are powerless over his addiction. The only person that can help him stop using drugs, is himself. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's so true. I have been where you are with my own son, who got an inheritance of $300,000 from my dad who passed away. My son was totally addicted at that time and spent alot of his money foolishly and on drugs. Being that he was an adult, I was not able to put a hold on his money in any way. The best you can do is try talking to your brother, and telling him to get help before he winds up dead. If he's shooting xanax, that's serious. I'm sorry your going through this. I know how tough it is. Keep coming back here. Others will be along soon to offer support. I sure hope your brother gets the help that he needs. My brother died of an overdose 12 years ago. Addiction is a disease. The brain keeps telling the addict to get the drugs, even when they are sick and tired of it. It's a sad situation. But there is help and recovery. Your brother has to want it. Not you.
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Old 11-01-2010, 02:50 PM
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I just wanted to welcome you to SR, there will be some people more knowledgable than I am come along soon. However I can tell you this if your hoping "forcing" him into recovery will work your way off base. An addict has to want help then they still have a very long road ahead of them.

Hugs,
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Old 11-01-2010, 02:55 PM
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Hello TWill, Welcome to this site. Let me start off by saying I'm very sorry about the death of your older brother Jimmy. That's very sad, and his age was very young. As far as your other brother goes, you are powerless over his addiction. The only person that can help him stop using drugs, is himself. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's so true. I have been where you are with my own son, who got an inheritance of $300,000 from my dad who passed away. My son was totally addicted at that time and spent alot of his money foolishly and on drugs. Being that he was an adult, I was not able to put a hold on his money in any way. The best you can do is try talking to your brother, and telling him to get help before he winds up dead. If he's shooting xanax, that's serious. I'm sorry your going through this. I know how tough it is. Keep coming back here. Others will be along soon to offer support. I sure hope your brother gets the help that he needs. My brother died of an overdose 12 years ago. Addiction is a disease. The brain keeps telling the addict to get the drugs, even when they are sick and tired of it. It's a sad situation. But there is help and recovery. Your brother has to want it. Not you.
Thank you for your kind words and I appreciate your condolences. I'm very aware that his problem is pretty serious. He was shooting painkillers before he went to rehabilitation the first time. Thank you for your advice and I eventually hope to find a way to approach my brother about it.

Originally Posted by crazybabie View Post
I just wanted to welcome you to SR, there will be some people more knowledgable than I am come along soon. However I can tell you this if your hoping "forcing" him into recovery will work your way off base. An addict has to want help then they still have a very long road ahead of them.

Hugs,


It's less about forcing him into rehab, I'm well aware of that. He went willingly the first time and that essentially got him nowhere. It's more about preventing him from obtaining an ever bigger sum of money than he already has to waste on drugs.
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:35 PM
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If he is misusing funds from your deceased brother's estate, you can charge him and have an estate trustee appointed by the court (not sure how the law works where you are, but that's how it is in Canada).

As for his life, any money he has or is entitled to and his choices (even his bad ones), if he's not breaking any laws, it's really up to him even though it doesn't look like he'll be making good decisions any time soon.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you find some comfort here. Most of us have found that although we can't change our addicted loved ones, we can make changes in our lives that let us live well.

Hugs
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:36 PM
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Welcome to SR. I am also sorry you lost your older brother.

I was thinking that if you try to put any kind of 'hold' on his money, it's just gonna create problems.

You can't, and in my opinion shouldn't, try to control his money. Besides, the 'brokest' of addicts will find a way to do their drugs.

I would just focus on you and protect what is coming to you.

This phrase always sticks in my mind: "Let go or get dragged"
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:13 PM
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Welcome to SR. For such a young man, you seem very mature and stable. You've contacted an attorney and that would seem to be appropriate. I would think that there would be some way to legally intervene on an executor if they are misappropriating funds. The attorney should be able to advise you.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by SlvrMag View Post
I was thinking that if you try to put any kind of 'hold' on his money, it's just gonna create problems.

You can't, and in my opinion shouldn't, try to control his money. Besides, the 'brokest' of addicts will find a way to do their drugs.
That's exactly what I was thinking, which makes sense. There will always be a way, I'm sure. I'm leaning away from taking legal action unless the things I am entitled to are endangered. He's already wasted funds and the wishes that Jimmy would've had for his life insurance money have undoubtedly been compromised.

This whole problem could have been avoided, but recently Jimmy's(and formerly Tommy's) workplaces switched insurance and Jimmy appointed Tommy to handle his estate temporarily until he could get around to changing it. Unfortunately that day never came.

Thank you all again for the compliments, condolences and support.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:29 PM
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Deleting due to double post. Sorry
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