Denoraphy

For those of you that have filed for divorce, did you tell your addict ahead of time or did you let them find out when they got their papers served to them?

I have told my AH that I intended to file, but that was months ago. He probably thinks I was just blowing smoke, so to say. I am finally at the place where I am ready for it to happen. But, I am scared of what his reaction will be.

Kindeyes

Personally, I asked my ex to leave and he actually did it without much of a fuss (this was a very long time ago). It wasn't until after he was out of the house that the real gamesmanship kicked in.

I think we all do it in the way that we feel is best for us at the time. Above all, be safe.

gentle hugs

Denoraphy

I already tried asking him to leave. He said 'no'.

crazybabie

Is he abusive? That would be something I would like to know before offering any suggestions.

Ann

I agree with the above. In an abusive relationship the most dangerous time is when you leave. A women's shelter could offer you some good ideas if this is the case.

Either way, it might be good to have a plan where someone is with you when you tell him and when he goes. Someone who could help protect you should it become nasty.

Good luck.

Hugs

dollydo

I am the kind of person that doesn't tip her hand. I plan, move forward then let the chips fall where they may.

You need to do what is best for you.

Good Luck!

Callie

My xah guessed by the way I was acting. I would have told him anyhow though to ease the blow. He knew it was coming though. If you are in any danger at all, don't tell him until it's safe.

newnormal4me

I filed for legal separation (nearly the same as divorce)...I told him pretty much every step of the way. He was enraged from time to time, but when it finally happened (getting served) he took it better than I thought he would. I did however have a friend to go to if things went bad. I think if you have any reason to suspect it might not go well, then have a backup plan just in case.

For me, I couldn't not say anything. But that is just me. There are lots of ways to do this sort of thing.

Mine also refused to leave... He is still here actually. But things will move when the date gets here. Something has to happen!

Take care.

Denoraphy

I don't think he would be abusive, but he is an addict and can be unpredictable. He is more of a calculating vendictive person.

I like the idea of having someone here with me when he is served. Thanks for the input.

ThatLittleGirl

I told my exah before I went to file. He didn't put up much of a battle. I think he knew he was getting worse and that I needed to get out with the girls as soon as possible. I left about two months after I filed and moved in with my parents. I put the house up for sale when I left, but he stayed living in it and paying all the bills until it sold. We have for the most part been civil...which has been nice considering we have young children to think about.