Not feeling hopeful :(

Old 10-30-2010, 10:34 AM
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Not feeling hopeful :(

Hello SR friends,

I've been wanting to give an update on my AD. This past summer she went out to Hawaii, thinking she could get her life back together. Her plan failed, just as we knew it would. She admitted she wanted help, came home, went into detox, and is currently finishing up outpatient rehab while living at home.

Me? I am not doing so well and I need to admit it. We let her come back home thinking that as long as she was taking steps toward recovery (which it seemed she was), we would help her in this way. But IS she recovering...? While we are seeing no signs of drug use, and she goes to her group four mornings a week plus various meetings in the evening, an attitude of surrender and humility are nowhere in sight (maybe in the beginning but not anymore). Her mail (mainly bills) come to the house and are for the most part ignored and left unopened. She obviously has no means of paying them right now and needless to say medical costs are mounting and collection agencies will be calling soon. Her room is messy and sometimes stays in bed until 1-2pm. Bottom line - my gut is telling me this isn't going so well and that there is no standing still with recovery from addiction. One needs to keep moving forward or begin the slippery slope down.

On the other hand, I do not want to judge her unfairly. Who am I to say what work God is doing in her, and what timetable He is using? Am I just not trusting Him enough?

I do not feel responsible to change her situation. Her addiction has brought much damage to our family relationships and I have my own recovery to work on, and she needs to work on her own. We hesitated letting her come home... I had a feeling that "home" would not be the best environment for her (because she has hurt us so much and we have our own healing to do and CAN that happen with her constantly in our faces?) but it seemed the best option at the time. Now I feel we are moving toward a position where we'll need to tell her to leave again.

Since she has no car (uncertain whether she has a license, as well) or close friends (only a boyfriend who is lying to his family and friends about dating her and who we told cannot hang out at our house anymore until there are no more secrets) she sits around feeling bored most of the time. I admit I sometimes struggle with feeling responsible for her but I cannot put myself in the position of social activities director. We've been willing to drive her to interviews and to her NA and AA meetings, as well as rehab, but it gets kind of draining.

Here is my dilemma - do I ask God for more strength and wisdom to keep on or do I let go of what is pulling me under? Hmmm... perhaps the answer is "yes" to both questions.....

Thanks for listening.

Hope (who doesn't feel so hopeful right now)
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:45 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Oh honey I completely feel ya.I got 2 words for you..SOBER LIVING..not very expensive and the house mother rides their a%$ like you wouldn't laying around snoozing.I would be knocking on deaths door if I had my daughter (who is newly in recovery as well) living here. I am unable to detach that much, as are most parents.You almost cannot help but watch for signs of relapse, try to monitor their recovery, etc.My daughter and I are not getting along that well right now and I am so glad she is two hours away.Sobriety doesn't fix everything and certainly not immediately. For your own sanity I stronly suggest you look into sober living..possibly not even in your town, but a little bit away.My RAD is now actually LISTENING to other people in the house.Do you think she would listen to 1 thing her mother tells her..I think you know the answer to that!Just like we didn't need a front row seat to their self destruction, we don't need a front row seat to their recovery either.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:58 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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My AS said something to me the other night that I found very helpful. He said "Addiction is very selfish........and I know that I need to be just as selfish as I pursue recovery.......and I think I have selfish down pretty well."

Those wise words came from a guy who was detoxing from I know he still has brain cells.

I think I'll follow his sage advice and be very very very protective of my recovery and hold my recovery in the highest priority for myself and allow him the opportunity to hold his as his own priority.

Now let's see if I can do it;-)

I waffle all over the place with decisions just like you are doing....should I let him do ______, should I help him do ____________. Perhaps if I take my AS's words to heart, the answers will be there for me.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:21 PM
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Hope, I don't run a flophouse anymore. My 32-year old did the same thing when I took her in for a month 7 years ago. She's no longer welcome in my home.

I'd like to bring up a couple of my own experiences as a recovering addict, and not as the mother of an addict.

When I went through rehab in 1986, my parents cared for my then only daughter, and thankfully got my car to their place before my psychotic EXAH blew that car up on one of his drug runs like he had my last car.

I ended up moving to the little town where I went through rehab to start life over.

I hit the pavement the day after rehab to start looking for jobs. My parents refused to bring the car to me, and rightfully so. Dad had paid for it, and they had NO reason to start trusting me on anything yet. They didn't even bring my daughter to me for another month.

I landed a job at the nursing home on the far side of town, and I walked to and from work every single day for a month. I was a CNA, and it was often back-breaking work. It did not kill me to have to walk.

Fast forward to 2003, and my then 15 year old daughter ran away with a 24 year old she had been seeing behind me back, and SRS stepped in.

She spent 60 days in a juvenile lockdown facility that was a 360 mile round trip for me to visit her.

Then she was placed in a foster home for high risk teenage girls, which was a 240 mile round trip for me, and was there for a year.

I had a beater 85 Mercury that was already on its last leg. The valves went out on me Christmas Eve 120 miles away from home when I was invited to dinner with the foster family.

I had no money for another vehicle. I was struggling at a minimum wage job where they never gave me more than 25 hours a week.

Seven months I was out of transportation. I walked everywhere. I walked to work. I walked to meetings. I walked to the grocery store. If I needed a big bag of dog food, I got out the old baby stroller, and that's how I got it home.

This was from late December through July of the following year. I walked in a foot of snow. I walked when temperatures were well below freezing. I walked when it was hotter than blazes and humid to boot. I walked in rain.

I was 45 years old when I was walking everywhere that 7 month period.

I had responsibilities to take care of, including getting my butt to meetings.

There is no reason your AD should be sleeping half the day, sitting around being 'bored.'

She's doing it because it's allowed in your home.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 10-31-2010, 04:00 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
it is what it is
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thank you, freedom, for sharing your story - the strength of the human spirit is amazing when truly pushed to a new level - and it is something us mothers need to hear because we are so programmed to try to "help" our children - thank you
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:55 AM
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Thank you Freedom....for sharing
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:18 AM
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Freedom, from one mom to another I add my "thank you" for your sharing.

Recovery is not simply giving up drugs. Recovery means accepting responsibility for their actions. It means finding themselves again – they have literally been lost – and building new identities and friendships that don’t involve a druggie lifestyle.

Although my AS wanted to live with us, I chose to take him to the homeless shelter when he had nowhere else to go. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My heart literally felt like it was bleeding inside my body as I drove away.

I agree that you should look into a sober living facility or half or three-quarter house. Most have meetings right there or transportation to meetings. Also, when my son was in recovery, many AA members offered to give him a ride to and from meetings. All he had to do was call.

It is so hard as parents to know what is the "right" thing to do. You are getting feedback from those who have been there and that is always a good decision. I wish I would have done it prior to my last enabling stint!

I wish I could say there is a happy ending to the story, but truth is I have not heard from him in several weeks. But, believe it or not (I didn't before) life goes on. I miss him and pray for him, but I know I can't do it for him.

with love,
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Old 11-01-2010, 02:54 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
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Thank you SR friends for your words. I was enjoying a mini vacation with my sons over the weekend and was only able to glance at the responses. Freedom, thank you for sharing your story. Litehorse is right - it IS amazing. You all are.
And Kindeyes, I have been following your journey here on SR and am moved by your gentleness and wisdom. I feel like I need to gain my footing again, and peace, and will focus on that this coming week.

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