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Consequences have caught up with me...

Old 10-29-2010, 11:34 PM
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Consequences have caught up with me...

I started the process of having the child support modified by the boy's father - and he retaliated with going for more custody. This weekend he has an extra 3 days and will every other week have 6 days. How did he get away with this? Well yes- he is entitled being their father and all ... but the real deal is that he went back and checked on the boy's lives back when I was with my addict bf. Over 2 years of school - those boys were tardy 30 times! My eldest son's grades were suffering and it was a constant worry. My mom would tell me - I was spending too much energy on my abf instead of my kids. MY MOM saw it... and yet I suppose I did, too - but I didn't want to believe it. You here at SR would talk about the damage being done to our children - but we don't see it when we are in it.

I am now suffering the consequence of my actions. God I want to hate him - but like the drug I hate - I hate the disease of co-dependency!

Lately, I've been feeling beat down and totally tore up - losing time with my children because of my life when in throws of that chaos... man it hurts. But I have realized now it's not anyone to hate ... it's the pieces now I have to pick up - and I can't be weak for this - I must be strong!

Suck it up - own it - and keep on moving forward!

~ Peace ~

Every day I use my recovery - I have to!
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Old 10-30-2010, 03:22 AM
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(((Abs))) - consequences suck, no two ways about it.

I don't have kids, so can only imagine how hard this is.

When I first started dealing with my consequences, I was angry at a few people. I eventually realized that I was REALLY angry and disgusted with myself. I let myself get into codie relationships and, though I didn't see it for what it was at the time, with my new knowledge, I see that I brought the consequences on myself.

I'd blamed my XABF's, the judicial system, my geneticss..you name it. It all boiled down to...I did what I did, and now I have to pay the price.

Bigs hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-30-2010, 05:37 AM
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(((Hug)))
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:03 AM
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Hugs from me too, Abundance.

I'm not familiar with your ex's history, just your exbf'd addiction, so please forgive me if I am way off base here.

Could it be that something good may come from your boys spending more time with their father? Perhaps they can build a relationship that will make all of you stronger for this.

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Old 10-30-2010, 03:27 PM
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Thanks you guys...

Ann.. the boy's father is a normie... and the only guy I'd ever not been codie with. He is, however, exceptionally closed minded, extremely rigid and strict, and the boys fear him. So - I hope this brings them closer - but they have a lot of work to do - because the boys are totally confused about who they are when they are with him as they don't ever want to say the wrong thing - be the wrong thing - think the wrong thing... etc.

My exabf contacted me via hand written mail about 6 weeks ago - wrote about how sorry he was - that he was clean - nearly 300 memories he has of us that are good - that he loves me.... etc. I'm in such a different place right now - that I read it and put it away and didn't respond. I guess I'm mainly not responding because I fear that I would do so in anger because like Amy said - I'm feeling that same way. Or I was - I felt last night that I had a break through. Anywho - I really don't want to respond now anyway- I don't have anything to say - I want to just keep moving forward.
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:48 PM
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Old 10-30-2010, 06:55 PM
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Not sure how old your kids are but don't beat yourself up. Really. Maybe his grades dropped for other reasons, being tardy well, ok. I was always late as a kid and that was because I was (and am) a person that shows up late. Neither one of my parents had substance/drinking issues. Im sure I had way more tardys.

Point being, don't beat yourself up. Be aware of the fact that your life maybe was revolving around the bf more than it should of, maybe yes the kids paid some of a price but sounds more like a vindictive ex. The ex's vindictiveness is MORE damaging than mom dating an addict bf btw.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:10 PM
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Vindictive ex is right!

BUT seeing it all - in black n white... knowing that the reason why the kids were late those times were mostly because my nights up worrying or trying to figure out my abf.

I remember one day I was driving the boys and they were talking and my mind was on my abf... I didn't even hear a word they were saying to me.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd - I'm sooo glad to be out of that mess!

So - my ESH for peeps out there in these toxic relationships and do have kids and don't think their kids are being touched by it (cause I did) - they are! And I swear I didn't see it at the time. And now they are being punished for my recklessness...

My son calls me this morning at 8:45am and his dad says... "off the phone in 5 minutes - you have chores to do". I ask him what chores - and he says to clean up his little brothers (half brother) toys.

So - I figure I now have 2 years of clean attendance records to prove myself worthy again!

Blue - you are right - I know this because the boys see right through it.
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Old 10-31-2010, 12:53 AM
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Then try not to beat yourself up about it. I see what you are getting at, but who is to say that their dad wouldn't have found any other reason to do this custody thing with you? Meaning, his actions are more about him than a reflection of anything you've done. We've ALL made mistakes as parents. We've all made choices that maybe were not the best for our kids but that is part of the lesson in parenting. Your kids aren't gonna be out robbing banks (I hope) because of a mom's poor choice in relationships. If that were the case, so many more kids would be out robbing banks! Kids are actually quite resilient.
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Old 10-31-2010, 03:22 AM
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Abundance
Being a mother is a tough job. The toughest. We do the best that we can at the time we are raising our children. If we make mistakes (and we all do), we correct them the best we are able to and move forward....and forgive ourselves. Forgiveness.....that's a tough one. We can often forgive others but just can't forgive ourselves.....and we need to.

You are working on keeping your head in the right place and that is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your children. Keep using those recovery tools--they come in handy in all aspects of life, don't you think?

gentle hugs
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:24 AM
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Abundance,

thanks for having the courage to share this with us. I understand your feelings - having lived through similar days being preoccupied with an addict. You are sharing VERY real consequences with us and hopefully, they will serve to wake someone up. I wasn't aware of how terribly my preoccupation with a man affected my ability to be a present mother until recently. I thought that I was doing a good job - but I really wasn't. I haven't had my custody affected but I carry a lot of remorse and guilt. I am doing a lot of living amends.

It's amazing how sick and deluded we become when we are involved with an addict/newly recovering addict. You are right - it is a terrible and deadly syndrome (co-dependency that is).

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. What a nasty wakeup call...but hopefully, your courageous sharing will allow that call to come to another before the damage is done. Moms out there - listen to Abs........ If you have children from another marriage or relationship then you are in danger of losing your kids if you are involved with an addict. Your children are being affected a whole lot more than you might be admitting to yourself. I know that that was the case in my situation. I can't get that time back - I wish that someone had had an intervention on me at the time and that I had listened.
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:09 AM
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Hey Abs! Good to see you. I agree with lightseeker. Thank you for having the courage to share. I too am reflecting on the lost time because I was so wrapped up in saving my marriage.

Your children are being affected a whole lot more than you might be admitting to yourself. I know that that was the case in my situation. I can't get that time back - I wish that someone had had an intervention on me at the time and that I had listened.


I 100% agree....

If you don't think it's healthy for the kids to be with their dad can you just revert back to your normal cs arrangement? I'm all for kids having healthy relationships with their parents. Just hope your situation with the kids is healthy.

How are things going otherwise? It's been a while! Glad you're in a place where you don't have to respond to xabf's letter.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:19 AM
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Hey good to see you!

I'm sorry what happened. That sucks.

BUT I'm so greatful you shared this. Thank you. It's hard for people to realize that the disease of codependency has consequences. We get so focused on the addict, we lose control of our lives. And yes their are consequences for that.

Maybe this will touch someone and help them "let go and let god" take care of the addict in their lives, so they can take care of the things that really matter.

Not saying you didn't. You are a great mom. But bummer about the tardies. We don't really think about those kinds of things when we are caught up in our own problems. So often those kinds of things can be prevented.

For me, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting my addict ex pop in and out of his son's life whenever he was sober and thought about it. All I accomplished by doing that was setting my son up for disappointment later. It would have been so much better if I'd just let go when he was a baby.

Live and learn. We all have to deal with the consequences of our choices.
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