myernie

After not hearing from him all day I went to hang out with a friend tonight just to get out of the house. She convinced me to pack all his stuff. We came to my house packed everything I could then I called him. I asked him what he wanted me to do with his things. He was angry, upset that "it's going to be like that." He told me he would come get it tomorrow that he had his kids. Nice, driving around with his kids. I told him that I would bring it to him (apparently he is now staying with someone he met at his dealers house). He told me no he didn't want any drama in front of his kids. I told him no drama. He seemed mad but who really knows. We'll see if he even shows up tomorrow or if he'll ignore it all and think I'll forget, show up in a few days like nothing happened. My kids saw us packing his stuff and know I am making him leave. they are upset that he "hurt" me but I haven't let them in on the situation. They took all his stuff outside but of course I brought it all back in. I just have to keep hoping I can be strong!!

myernie

He came over this morning, supposedly on his way to work. He wasn't here long but told me to put all his stuff away. That he can't believe I was going to kick him out. And what did I do??? Nothing! He got in his friend's truck (that he is now driving) and left. I didn't put all his stuff away. The trash bags of clothes I dumped on my bed looking for something for him and they are all still there 7 hours later. I don't even want to be in my room, my house.....anywhere. He pulled out of my driveway at around 945 this morning, it is now 430 and not a peep from him all day. Addict or not an addict you don't treat someone this way.

My best friend called for her update. I gave her the latest and was talking to her about this site. She said she couldn't believe I was going through this. It's even harder to believe because I am smart, I know it is all wrong but I just won't put my foot down with him.

Freedom1990

Why did you bring his stuff inside after the children took it outside?

It hurts them to see you hurt. I think they had the perfect solution, setting it outside.

The only thing stopping you is you.

My suggestion? Set his stuff back outside. Let him know it's there if he wants it before it's rained on, stolen, whatever.

If he wants it bad enough, he'll get it, won't he?

dollydo

Your children understood what needed to be done...what about you? Your children know that you deserve better, follow their lead.

myernie

My friend had told the kids to put it outside so I told them we couldn't leave it outside since he wasn't coming to get it right away. I know they got it. They saw him when he came by this morning, they were up watching TV when he walked in. I don't know if or what they said to him. It really doesn't matter.

dollydo

To me, how your children are effected does matter. They hear and see everything, and all children internalize, it is their nature.

I am a self proclaimed advocate of minor children, those who do not have a say in what they are being exposed to.

I was raised in a home of an alcoholic, who was always hooked up with another alcoholic, most were abusive, and violent. Not to mention that all the two did was argue and fight, some fights were physical.

I deserved better but I never got it. It has taken me years to get over the trauma of my mothers bad decisions.

I was an observer who had no voice, I was a child, who depended on my parents to make the right decisions for me.

You deserve better and so do your children.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, it is not my intention, my only intent is for you to look at the whole picture, not just your part of it.

myernie

Good news is his stuff is packed up again! Not outside but it is packed up.

I know this sounds so backwards. I am a really smart woman. I know my kids are and have been subjected to so much dysfunction already at their father's house and the last thing I want is for them to see it here. But I always make excuses, and I know that is what they are, excuses, but I still do it. "oh, the kids are asleep they can't see him acting this way. The kids aren't here they can't see it." On and on. Thank goodness since last Sunday when he comes by they are either at school or asleep, except this morning but they only saw him for about 2 min if that.

His ex-best friend (I say ex because they no longer speak due to some things my ABF did to him thanks to our friend the meth) called me yesterday to check on me. He gave me the speech about him hurting my kids after he has already hurt his own enough.

When does the feeling of wanting to save them go away?? I still do everything calculated, even packing his stuff. I can't honestly say I packed his stuff because I want him gone. I wish I could but I can't. I did it because I was mad and hoped that the thought of losing me after all this time (in 6 years I have only packed his stuff once and that was years ago) may scare him to realize what he is doing. I know it is false and that won't happen but that is my thought process. From what I read it is a total co-dependent move, my mind knows this but still does it. When I don't call him all day (like today) it's not because I want to go no contact but because I want him to wonder why I haven't called, what I'm doing, miss me again. I feel like it has been so long since he actually missed me if that makes sense. I know he doesn't, he only misses the drug but I want him to miss me! I lay here wondering where he is, who he's with...is he at his dealers house yet again? Will he show up here in the middle of the night or will I not see him until Monday. Since he wasn't high this morning only tired, is he using today and tomorrow to finally crash then go right back to it in a day or so? I am sure it is yes to all the above and I know I shouldn't care but I do.

Freedom1990

You will have something in the mail by Friday at the latest.

Until then, check into Naranon or Alanon meetings and start attending.

His stuff is packed up again. That's an excellent start for you.

My personal experience was no man was going to fill that void inside of me regardless of what they did for me.

For 13 long miserable years after I left my abusive EXAH, I continued to seek out one unhealthy relationship after another.

Happiness and self-worth come from within. Once that is accomplished, everything else is just icing on the cake.

Live

It's normal to care about him. But for our own sake's sometimes it is in our best interest to love someone from a distance.

If you continue to keep up the actions, in time your heart will follow.
It is not easy but it is very do-able.

Babyblue

Dollydo has the right perspective on this: The kids aren't just affected by his actions, they are affected by yours and his together. Try not to involve them in any way, shape or form in this situation. Minimize the drama as much as you can. This isn't the kind of stuff kids really understand. Playing out any couple drama in front of kids has longterm effects. They don't have the capacity developmentally to process it like adults. It makes their own ability to be in healthy relationships much more difficult later on.

myernie

Thank you Babyblue. I am trying very hard to shield my kids from EVERYTHING regarding this situation. My children are subjected to enough at their father's house and his dysfunctional relationship with his wife. I know they see more than they should and they see me hurting which is just as bad as seeing the craziness.

Live- I am trying very hard to love him from a distance. I am doing what I need to do for myself.

Freedom1990- I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me!!!


He called last night at 2am, he called twice. I was sound asleep and did not even hear the phone ring so of course I didn't answer. I did call him when I got up at 930 this morning but he didn't answer. I got ready and went to church. He called while I was at church so I called him back after the service and he said he was calling to come stay here last night. I have no idea why when he keeps saying he has his own place. I didn't push the issue just told him I was asleep. We hung up with him saying he would call me later. I am NOT counting the seconds until later comes like I normally would. I am NOT preparing him a large meal for his football games like I normally would on a Sunday. I am NOT going to call him. I AM going to fix a meal for my kids. I AM going to watch football with my kids. I AM going to get my kids ready for Halloween and take them to the church carnival.

My church service today was "God is your number 1 source." Basically to let go and let God. I have to live that. It is time I let go and let God take him. All I can do is pray for him and pray that he wants help but I cannot make him want help.

Freedom1990

At least your kids will watch football with you!

I'm a football fanatic, and both of my girls hated Sundays during football season, Monday nights too!

An old roommate/EXBF and I have a yearly tradition for Superbowl Sunday. I make pork eggrolls from scratch out at his place (I learned from his mom as she is Japanese), and we stuff ourselves and watch the Superbowl.

dollydo

Sounds like a plan! Enjoy!