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Meth roller coaster

Old 10-29-2010, 02:03 PM
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Meth roller coaster

Hi everyone, I have been lurking a few days and finally decided to post.

Here is my story.

I am a single mother of 4 children. I met my current BF 6 years ago as I was coming out of my 10 year marriage. We started out as just friends and gradually became more. I knew he drank a lot and smoked pot but he was a good guy. He held a job, worked very hard, loved his kids......

About 2 years ago I found out he was "dabbling" in harder drugs but I had no idea what. He and his friends swore it was under control. They all held good jobs, went to work everyday so me being naive to the world of drugs thought all was ok.

About 6 months ago BF lost his job. After the loss of the job he began to lose everything, his house, vehicles..... I thought this was all due to the loss of his job and never in a million years thought it was drug related. Two months ago he came and told me he was moving in with his sister because he was losing his house. By the end of that day he moved in with me and my children. Since then it has been crazy. Before he lived me with me I didn't realize there were all night binges that went on for days and days! We go a week where he loves me and want to marry me to where he can't even look at me. He would drive my vehicle all over town and people would tell me I was crazy but I still let him do it. Gave him money, supported him.

He finally got a job a week ago and things were going really good at first. He went to work and came home. Called and checked in with me during the day. Then Monday night I was at the gas station and he stopped as he was passing by. Said he had to run to his friend's house for a few minutes and would be home. So excited I ran home. finished up dinner and waited. Fed the kids, put them in bed and waited some more. After waiting for 3 hours I called him. He said he wasn't doing anything wrong but his friend's dad had just died. We hung up. I waited more. At midnight I called again. He said he would come home and give me my vehicle back and take his. He did, then he left again. Didn't come home until 7am to get ready for work. The next day we talked twice on the phone but it was weird. He showed up at home around 10, ate, we talked and he left around 1130p. Said he would be home that night, he promised. Of course another broken promise. Showed up at 730am grabbed some clothes and went to work. Wednesday called at 10 asked me to bring him some clothes and I hung up on him. He showed up at 1am. We talked, he ate.....I was laying in bed and he came over, kissed me and said he was sorry he was hurting me. Left at 230 said he would be back and of course never came back. Yesterday he was in and out of my house all day. I could tell he was on the verge of crashing. Talked to him at 930p last night and he sounded so bad I couldn't understand him. Never heard from him again. At 630 am today I called, he said he fell asleep in the chair. What chair? I couldn't understand anything he said. Called him again at 930 and said he was busy and would call me right back. It is now 4 and I haven't heard from him.

I realize I have enabled him for a long time and I really believe I am co-dependent after reading all of this.

I am not sure yet what my next step is. His family and friends all tell me to kick him to the curb. My friends tell me to kick him out but I melt when I see him. I have no backbone with him. I know he is in there somewhere. He has never admitted to me that is on meth but a friend of his that used to do it with him told me.

I am just tired of losing sleep worried about him, crying, not be able to eat, not wanting to do anything. I know it is up to me to take my life back now but I need to know how.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:11 PM
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You have children. They do not deserve to live in that madness. If you won't tell him to leave for yourself, at least have the courage to do it for your children. They have no choice in this matter. You do.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:13 PM
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hi-

so sorry to hear your story. i am going through a rough time too, but i am starting to feel a little better. the people here on the board will certainly be able to guide you. i am not sure if you know about meetings for naranon or alanon but i know they can be helpful. i really just wanted to say hi and tell you you are not alone-

the wisodom and expereince other others will be better for you than me!
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:31 PM
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myernie
Welcome to SR.....I'm so glad you found us while at the same time I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Loving an active addict is very much like riding a roller coaster......only there is nothing fun about it.

There is actually a lot that you can begin doing to help yourself. You have already recognized that you are co-dependent......it takes some of us years to come to that realization so that's a great first step.

I found that reading as much as possible about co-dependence and addiction helped me tremendously. Melody Beattie's book "Co-Dependent No More" did a great job of helping me to recognize some of my behaviors that were not healthy for me (and in turn not healthy for the addict in my life). Reading and learning from other's here on SR has been a life saver. And attending NarAnon or Alanon meetings has been very helpful.

I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is critical and I have also learned that although we can never love too much, we can love in the wrong ways.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. And let a grown man take care of himself.

I hope you stick around and share your journey with us. We all learn from one another.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:32 PM
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Welcome to SR, Myernie!

I can relate to your story in about every detail.

I am a recovering meth addict, but I was also married to one.

Five years of hell, and it was all about him.

I just knew he was a good person inside. If I loved him enough, cared for him enough he would stop, right?

Wrong.

If you think it's bad now, it's going to get worse, much worse.

The sad thing was during my marriage, I already had a daughter (not his) who had to live through those 5 years too.

Today she's 32 and an active addict. She makes extremely poor choices in men. She's been incarcerated multiple times. She lost custody of the kids (her ex divorced her after her first incarceration). She just got evicted from another place.

I was never there for her. In addition to my own addiction, I was focused on him.

Find and start attending meetings for yourself, either Naranon or Alanon (Alanon is more widely available) for face-to-face support.

Get your hands on "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I also highly recommend "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I think that one will really resound with you given your situation.

He's going to continue to chew you up and spit you out.

Unfortunately your children are along for the ride. They have no voice, no choice.

Please keep posting, and know you really pulled some heartstrings with this old gal. I've been where you are.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:34 PM
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Thank you both!

I have been looking for a meeting in my area, just for more support. I know my friends are tired of hearing about it. My best friend literally calls me and says "what is the latest crazy update?" a few times a day. She is really supportive but I know she has to be tired of hearing about it.

I have tried to shield my kids as much as possible. The good news is that he actually hasn't been around them since Sunday. He has been coming and going so crazy that they don't see him or know when he is here. This weekend could be different but I will guard them as much as I can.

I worry about his kids too. If he has them for the weekend I want them to have a safe place to come so that he doesn't have them at "friends" houses. I saw friends that way because he has no real friends left, only friends he gets high with or his dealers. He has been telling me for weeks that I am the only real friend he has left.

I want him to open up to me about his addiction but he hasn't yet. He has come close, talking about wanting to change his life, be the man he knows he can be, stay away from the "those people" but he has never came out with it. Now he is in the middle of a binge and he thinks he can do no wrong. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he losses this job. We live in a small town and he works in an industry that everyone knows everyone. It is everywhere that he is into meth, that is how I found out.

I have decided that I am not calling him, not looking for him, not giving him money, buying his cigs or letting him use my vehicle anymore but I know that is only the first step. When he calls I'm sure I'll answer. When he shows up here I will open the door.

I am just so angry. How can someone do this to themselves? How can people do this to each other? How can a dealer sell something that will ruin them? I just don't understand it!
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:43 PM
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Freedom1990-thank you for your reply! I do/did think I could love him enough to make him "better." I started that with the drinking. I blamed other things in his life and knew I could "fix" him. After 6 years I am coming to realize I can't fix him.

He actually told me the other night as he was leaving "Baby, there are just some things you cannot do for me." At the time I had no clue what he was talking about. Now I think he was trying to tell me this is something he has to do on his own. I see glimpses of him wanting recovery but I know he is just now there yet.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:45 PM
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Myernie, I am going to send you a PM, okay?
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:57 PM
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Freedom1990- I sent you an email!

Thank you!
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Old 10-29-2010, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by myernie View Post
Freedom1990- I sent you an email!

Thank you!
You're welcome!

I'm leaving to go eat Chinese, but will be back later to respond to your email, okay?
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Old 10-29-2010, 03:18 PM
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Welcome, sorry that you are going thru this.

I must say "Children First". I know that children hear and see everthing and that parents do not realize it. They are the ears and eyes of the world. Please make your children your priorty.

Your BF is an hard core addict, please do not keep your head buried in the sand.

He is an adult and is responsible for his choices, he is also responsible for his recovery.

Keep posting, read others posts, it will help.
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Old 10-29-2010, 03:30 PM
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Thank you Dollydo. I am just coming to realize what a hardcore addict is and that he is one.

I feel so helpless to help him and it hurts to know he would rather have the drug than anything else. My best friend can't believe that I am more hurt by the drugs than I would be if it were another woman. I don't know how to explain it to her.
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Old 10-29-2010, 03:36 PM
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Please please please protect those innocent children from the chaos of active addiction. They have absolutely no choice, and shouldn't suffer simply because you "melt" when you see him. So sad for them.
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Old 10-29-2010, 05:06 PM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through, but please understand that you do not have to accept or tolerate that kind of behavior. Especially being that he is living with you. I pray you find the strength to do what is necessary to get your peace and serenity back. I doubt it will be with him. My AH has the same issue and after 5 years of dealing with it...and it only getting worse, I am legally separating myself from him. We have been together for 19 years and have a lot to lose - and two beautiful children together. My kids should not have to live with this crap, nor should I. Nor should you or anyone else in a similar situation. At some point people have to face the consequences of their actions. And this drug is a horror.

My advice to anyone in this situation is don't stay as long as I have!!! Get out as early as possible! It only gets worse...
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Old 10-29-2010, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by myernie View Post
I want him to open up to me about his addiction but he hasn't yet. He has come close, talking about wanting to change his life, be the man he knows he can be, stay away from the "those people" but he has never came out with it. Now he is in the middle of a binge and he thinks he can do no wrong.



I have decided that I am not calling him, not looking for him, not giving him money, buying his cigs or letting him use my vehicle anymore but I know that is only the first step. When he calls I'm sure I'll answer. When he shows up here I will open the door.

me too, me too, me too.

i think i will never forget the words out of my man's mouth, "i want to be the man god intended me to be." and now i'm crying, dam it.

it's so weird, and so very very painful. i'm sorry.


the second part i quoted i can also relate to. i simply couldn't let the phone ring. i was about half as crazy as he was. even when i knew he was using the stuff, i still couldn't believe what was in front of my eyes.


welcome to the sober recovery forum, myernie.
this is a wonderful site, and it is filled with compassionate folks who will support you.
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:30 PM
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Coffedrinker- To think of the people that are wasted as a result of this is so sad but to see it happen right in front of you is 100x worse. Especially when THEY know they are not living the life they could be. I know he wants to be that man yet I'm not sure if he knows how to be that man.

I can't ignore the ring, like you. About two weeks ago I did put his number on "send straight to voicemail" (an option my phone has). It will still come up on your call log but it won't give you a chance to answer it. I left it like that for about two days and every time I would see him on my call log I would cringe knowing how much he hates going to voicemail. Finally he got fed up and sent me a text, I gave in, replied and so the cycle started again. I've thought about doing it again but it does no good if I can't stick to it.
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Old 10-31-2010, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by myernie View Post
I want him to open up to me about his addiction but he hasn't yet. He has come close, talking about wanting to change his life, be the man he knows he can be, stay away from the "those people" but he has never came out with it.

I have decided that I am not calling him, not looking for him, not giving him money, buying his cigs or letting him use my vehicle anymore but I know that is only the first step. When he calls I'm sure I'll answer. When he shows up here I will open the door.
HI Myernie,

My ExAH's doc was meth also... the words you are hearing are him telling you what you want to hear.... whatever it takes to get you off his back.... so he can get back to going out and chasing the next high. With an addict, it's ACTIONS, not words, that count. His actions show he is an addict in active addiction... he's not ready to change yet.

As long as he has a nice warm bed to come home to, food on the table, someone giving him money as needed (or eventually he may steal it from your purse if you stop freely giving it), there's no reason for him to change.

Keep reading and posting here... you will learn so much about addiction and enabling and setting boundaries. Stick to those boundries you set. Boundaries are for saving your sanity and bringing peace back into your life. THey won't change the addict, but they will give him consequences if he breaks them and you no longer tolerate that behavior in your life.

One of my favorite quotes I learned here:
Definition of INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.
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