steve1840

i guess i just needsome reassurance here. its been a week since i have really seen her, more actually. i get teh urge to find her just to tell her i care. not to try to help or change anything. i just want her to know somebody still cares. i guess my fearis that she may think i am glad she is gone and ama glad not hearing from her, that i stopped caring.

i know i have brought this up before, but now that there is such a separation i obsess over that thought.

maybe she does know i still care?

steve1840

also, i realize this is only a week. in all liklihood not enough time for her to hit that bottom. i feel bad because i am bugging after just a week yet some of you have not heard from your loved ones in months or years.

suki44883

She knows you care but she is too concerned about her own wants and needs to care much. You are still trying to find that one thing to say to her that will cause her to do what you want. You may say you aren't, but you are. You have already shown her that you care about her. There is nothing more you can say or do that won't be enabling or wasting your breath. It makes as much sense as calling someone to tell them that you are going no contact. Totally unnecessary and defeats the entire purpose.

MsPINKAcres

what if she isn't even thinking about you
what if you have't even cross her mind

what if you have given all this time, thought & care about her and SHE doesn't care

what if
what if
what if
what if
what if

Steve - this is so hard - my friend - I truly know - please try to focus on something else - when she comes to your mind- remind yourself that you have given her to HER Higher Power and ask YOUR Higher Power to place some other thoughts there -

Read a book, take a walk, enjoy some outdoor activity - I know I have to replace my thoughts with something healthy

Slowly we can let go of the obsession of wondering about what they are doing and start to LIVE our own lives -

PINK HUGS to you!!
Rita

Kindeyes

Steve
I do understand your concern and desire that she knows how much you love her. As you know, I haven't seen my son for two months. It dawned on me this morning that when I did see him, he seldom asked how I am doing. He didn't come see me when I was in the hospital. He steps all over my boundaries but hits the roof if he feels his have been violated.

Until an addict can embrace recovery, they don't really care about us....they can't. They do love us.....and they do know we love them. But until they embrace sobriety and recovery, they will not fully understand the depth of our love for them.

gentle hugs

steve1840

i am soooo glad i have this board. sometimes i see myself as a whinely sap who cant move forward and i get a little emabarassed to post, because i fear i am reaching hte point of sounding pathetic. but, even though i may not get the answers i want to hear, your replies get me through my anxiety. it sucks that drugs mena more to them than anything else- including themselves

suki and kindeyes- yes, thank you. that is the reassurance i needed. knowing that she knows helps. i don;t know what goes on in the addicts mind. i fear she would forget all about me. but i dont think that is the case.

MsPink- aaaahhh. noooo. that's my fear! but i will have to take it as "what if"

if that is the case and she has not thought of me, i will findthe excuse to blame it on the drugs. i have been the only stabel thing in her life for a few years, so i have to have faith she will not forget me.

a bigger fear is that maybe she is in part enjoying what she is doing. that is when my stomach knots up.

cece1960

I doubt it Steve. Most addicts do what they HAVE to, not what they want to.

As far as your original post...you are what's holding you back, Steve. Not her actions, the thought of her, or the lack of contact. Until you're ready to make the commitment to take care of yourself, much like the addict, it will continue. There's really no shortcut to recovery (ours or theirs), and its a lot of work.

When you're ready, you'll get there

steve1840

thank you cece. i know i am my own worst enemy sometimes.

you guys pulled me through this this one.

MsPINKAcres

I couldn't agree more!!

I believe somewhere hidden deep within my ex - there is that recovery man, father, and grandfather - grieving because he can't be a part of his daughters and grandchildren's lives.

I saw him in recovery, I saw how much they meant to him at one time - He's not all bad - just a man badly affected by a horrible disease.

Steve ~ the fact that you keep reaching out for help is a great sign!!!

dollydo

Yes Steve, I agree, there is only one thing holding you back....you.

Please believe me, she is not standing on the corner worrying about whether you care about her or not. She is way too busy.

Life has so much more to offer you, you hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand. Put the key in the door, walk through it and begin your journey to become a healthy Steve.

You are a middle aged man, don't you think it is time to seek the peace and happiness you so deserve? I do.

Babyblue

I was driving home tonight and a thought crossed my mind. How much the addict wants and needs me. It is a very powerful position to be in. But then I thought, so what if he wants and needs me, I'd like him to be there for ME as well. As long as he was using/drinking, he couldn't. I know he cared, loved me. They don't forget that care or love we show but they cannot give it back Steve. And in the addicts haze, they are not thinking about us. They are thinking about where the next high will come from and when. That is it. She knows you care Steve but it means absolutely nothing to her in relation to the drug which means EVERYTHING to her right now. I just keep wondering what you are getting out of this so one sided 'relationship'. Maybe that is something you should think about. What does she give you now, in the state she is in with the life she has chosen for herself. What are you getting out of this?