absurd
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absurd
i think i am afraid to move on for at least two reasons.
1. survivors guilt- if i move on, i get better but i leave her behind
2. i am afraid to start getting better and then have her appear again and have to turn her away. if i stay this way, i am likely to not turn her away.
I recognize the absurdity of this and recognize that this is not really who i am and it is not what i really want.
1. survivors guilt- if i move on, i get better but i leave her behind
2. i am afraid to start getting better and then have her appear again and have to turn her away. if i stay this way, i am likely to not turn her away.
I recognize the absurdity of this and recognize that this is not really who i am and it is not what i really want.
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
i think i am afraid to move on for at least two reasons.
1. survivors guilt- if i move on, i get better but i leave her behind
1. survivors guilt- if i move on, i get better but i leave her behind
Early on, just after I got sober I had that same feeling, but I haven't felt that in quite some time, almost four years now.
Their choices, the only way you can view it.
Maybe you should try to start looking at as who you really are now, but you can change that, if you do the work you have to do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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It sounds like you still have the idea that you can save her, Steve. You can't. She has to save herself. You can always come up with some kind of excuse to keep hanging on, but what it all boils down to is that you still think you hold some power regarding what she chooses to do. Again, you don't. It's either save yourself of go down with her.
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There seems to be alot of dwelling,rehashing, and perseverating. Are you working the steps like we have all sugggested? Are you going to meetings?Seeing a therapist?Have you followed ONE suggestion that has been made?
When you REALLY get tired enough you will listen to other people. That's what you want for your whatever she is. You want her to go to recovery, listen to other people, and follow their directions.Are you doing that?Work the program you wish she would.
When you REALLY get tired enough you will listen to other people. That's what you want for your whatever she is. You want her to go to recovery, listen to other people, and follow their directions.Are you doing that?Work the program you wish she would.
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Maybe you should try to start looking at as who you really are now, but you can change that, if you do the work you have to do.
thanks john, that is a good way of looking at it.
It's either save yourself of go down with her
suki- this it was scares me to some extent. i probably feel as bad and low about myself as she does. i have had years and years of shame and guilt living a double life. i think that is in part what attracts me to her, that we are both damaged. i know how difficult it is to change, to make serious life changes and for years and years i wanted to but never had the strength to do it. it was always easier to give in one more time and start tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. so, through all of this i know exactly what she is going through and always tried to supprt her and make her feel ok. as for me, because i have been stuck most of my life, i do not know how to come out ahead. i do not know how to experience life free from the baggage. i am the same as her in some ways and that keeps me from growing sometimes. maybe i want to grow with her, have us take that journey together. but the reality is that it is an individual thing. so i guess i am as stuck as her and our worlds overlap like a ven diagram. i have one foot in each world. one comfortably in the muck i am so used to and that she is in and one struggling to stay in the "normal" world. it is so easy to lose the grip and let go of hte normal one and fall back into what i am used to.
thanks john, that is a good way of looking at it.
It's either save yourself of go down with her
suki- this it was scares me to some extent. i probably feel as bad and low about myself as she does. i have had years and years of shame and guilt living a double life. i think that is in part what attracts me to her, that we are both damaged. i know how difficult it is to change, to make serious life changes and for years and years i wanted to but never had the strength to do it. it was always easier to give in one more time and start tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. so, through all of this i know exactly what she is going through and always tried to supprt her and make her feel ok. as for me, because i have been stuck most of my life, i do not know how to come out ahead. i do not know how to experience life free from the baggage. i am the same as her in some ways and that keeps me from growing sometimes. maybe i want to grow with her, have us take that journey together. but the reality is that it is an individual thing. so i guess i am as stuck as her and our worlds overlap like a ven diagram. i have one foot in each world. one comfortably in the muck i am so used to and that she is in and one struggling to stay in the "normal" world. it is so easy to lose the grip and let go of hte normal one and fall back into what i am used to.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Again, the only one stopping you from getting past this is you. We can't do it for you and we can't force you to do it...just like you can't do it or force it for your friend. Several months ago, when you first came here asking for advice, we warned you what would happen if you got involved. You thought you knew better, so now, what we warned you about has come to fruition. You can come up with as many excuses to stay stuck as you want, but that's all they are...excuses. When you have had enough, you will be done. Until then, you will stay miserable.
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We can't give away something we don't have.
You admitted you feel bad and low, just as she does.
How have things worked out so far with her, Steve?
1 sick person + 1 sick person = 2 very sick people
You can't make her feel 'okay' any more than you can make yourself feel 'okay' by deluding yourself into thinking you are helping her in any way, shape, or form.
You admitted you feel bad and low, just as she does.
How have things worked out so far with her, Steve?
1 sick person + 1 sick person = 2 very sick people
You can't make her feel 'okay' any more than you can make yourself feel 'okay' by deluding yourself into thinking you are helping her in any way, shape, or form.
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i know i am thick, or maybe dense. maybe slow. stubborn. but, whatever it is, your replies do make a difference, no matter how much they may appear not to.
i have realized that i am addicted to her. although i genuinely love her, on some other level she replaces my other addictions and i focus on her. (of course every realization i have i want to go find her and tell her).
i am going to the meeting tonight, but i need to try others to find a better fit. as i said, this one is very small and the people there have been involved for years as the parents of addicts. i would like to find a meeting where there are some spouses or bf/gf of addicts.
i also found a therapist who seems to be a good fit. i have my first meeting possibly tomorrow.
i am trying to get back into playing music.
i would like get back inot meditation, yoga, tai chi, martial art stuff. i dont want ot put too much on me at once, but hopefully i can start this stuff at some point again.
i have realized that i am addicted to her. although i genuinely love her, on some other level she replaces my other addictions and i focus on her. (of course every realization i have i want to go find her and tell her).
i am going to the meeting tonight, but i need to try others to find a better fit. as i said, this one is very small and the people there have been involved for years as the parents of addicts. i would like to find a meeting where there are some spouses or bf/gf of addicts.
i also found a therapist who seems to be a good fit. i have my first meeting possibly tomorrow.
i am trying to get back into playing music.
i would like get back inot meditation, yoga, tai chi, martial art stuff. i dont want ot put too much on me at once, but hopefully i can start this stuff at some point again.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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When I was addicted to my drugs, I justified how I needed them, I rationalized about why they made me feel good and sane, I blinded myself ( denial) to what was really going on that I was an addict that I loved my drugs more than anything else they were my false idol.
In order for me to escape the cycle of using drugs, I had to get really down in a pit of depression about where my life was spiraling. I was almost suicidal. Then I felt I would do anything to find peace and quit this business. I got help. I put myself in rehab. I removed myself from my addiction I cut all ties to my drugs, I told every doctor, every dentist, I got a therapist, I went to meetings, I networked. I stopped using.
For every addiction one must stop the cycle. Stop gambling, stop over eating, stop using drugs, stop drinking. The drugs, alcohol have to be tossed out the house, down the drain, all connections to it removed. All friends involved in it purged.
Standing on the fence whining about how addiction is messing up my life but not doing anything to fix it is basically just staying addicted, staying in the same mess nothing changes.
Maybe divine intervention is helping you bit by bit to not have cars and phones.
In order for me to escape the cycle of using drugs, I had to get really down in a pit of depression about where my life was spiraling. I was almost suicidal. Then I felt I would do anything to find peace and quit this business. I got help. I put myself in rehab. I removed myself from my addiction I cut all ties to my drugs, I told every doctor, every dentist, I got a therapist, I went to meetings, I networked. I stopped using.
For every addiction one must stop the cycle. Stop gambling, stop over eating, stop using drugs, stop drinking. The drugs, alcohol have to be tossed out the house, down the drain, all connections to it removed. All friends involved in it purged.
Standing on the fence whining about how addiction is messing up my life but not doing anything to fix it is basically just staying addicted, staying in the same mess nothing changes.
Maybe divine intervention is helping you bit by bit to not have cars and phones.
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Steve, I have no words of advice. I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your postings and everyones responses. I myself am feeling basically the same as you are with my AH. I have decided I am going to go to meetings I hope you went to yours tonight.
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so happy to read your going to a meeting steve and a therapist. there were a few meetings that were small and really not exactly my situation, but keep searching and keep trying others.
glad to see at least your talking about interests for yourself, your getting there. I remember not running/exercising for awhile, didnt do much of anything, but dwell 24/7 on him,but slowly started to do things I used to enjoy. it takes time, it takes work ,it takes courage. we all have courage,sometimes its just buried. I used to tell members at the meeting, see how crowded the AA meetings are? and see how small our meetings are? where are all of their family members? it takes strength and courage for us to reach out and get support, give yourself a huge pat on the back your going in the right direction.
glad to see at least your talking about interests for yourself, your getting there. I remember not running/exercising for awhile, didnt do much of anything, but dwell 24/7 on him,but slowly started to do things I used to enjoy. it takes time, it takes work ,it takes courage. we all have courage,sometimes its just buried. I used to tell members at the meeting, see how crowded the AA meetings are? and see how small our meetings are? where are all of their family members? it takes strength and courage for us to reach out and get support, give yourself a huge pat on the back your going in the right direction.
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