Gypsy Feet

I am no stranger to these forums, I qualify for 9 or 10 12 step programs on any given day =). So I know someone here can help.

I lost my husband and best friend in august as a direct result of his drinking. He and I had been separated, I am 19 months sober. I loved him, but I couldn't live with him while he drank himself to death.

A few months before he died, I developed a crush on a 43 year old man who used crack for 15 years I think, and has been smoking meth since. He has been in NA/AA for 3.5 years getting 30 days then going out, had the same girlfriend thru the whole 3.5 years on and off.

The day after my husbands funeral, I went home with him. He was less than a week clean, less then a week broken up. I knew he was not dating material, wanted only to not be alone that night, told him so. We spent the next month together 24/7, and then the sh!t hit the fan as it was bound to do.

He is back doing what ever it is he does, I am finally mourning the loss of my husband. The problem is, I cant stop thinking about this guy. He is like a drug for me, in that when we are snuggling and happy, I dont hurt.

I have promised myself I wont date him anymore. I have not talked to him in 3 weeks, although I see him at meetings daily.

I have done step work, forgiven him, forgiven me, turned it over, and yet. . .

I am obsessed bleh.

any tools/suggestions you all have for me changing the subject in my head would be great

I have already given myself the "stand between him and his bottom and you might kill him" speech, I am a pro at beating myself up. I am trying to learn how to respect myself enough not to want this bad news anywhere near me

Dee74

Hey GF

As an addict, this line jumped out at me.
I have no experience with this, in any respect but I ask you as your friend - do you think maybe you need to deal with stuff you don't want to deal with and this relationship, and the obsession, cushion that?

Have you thought of counselling - specifically grief counselling?

D

Ann

I agree with Dee, GF, as you deal with your own demons, I think you will be able to choose a healthier relationship.

Therapy may help, Al-anon or Nar-anon may also help you deal with the sober side of a relationship with an addict.

A wise person here once told me that the only way to deal with pain was to look it in the eye and walk through it. It hurt, it really hurt to walk through that pain and work on fixing myself, but once I did the world became a beautiful place once again.

Hugs

sailorjohn

It was pointed out to me that my relationship with my ex-alcoholic/crack addict/? was more like an addiction than anything else.

You know what they say about 'switching addictions'.

Thankfully, there are bottoms even in relationships.

Kindeyes

Gypsy Feet
I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of an important person in our lives is so very difficult and heartbreaking. When my Dad died, I started playing Spider Solitaire on the computer. I used it as a tool just to shut down my brain for short periods of time to get relief from the pain for a little while. Silly but it worked for me. Anything that gives your heart and brain a little break would work......an art class, yoga (that's another one I like to use--it's good for the mind and the soul).

I agree that we need to face the pain and work through it but we also need something to divert our attention for short periods of time to give our minds and heart a break. Healthy options for that are important.

gentle hugs

Austinchica

I worry for you becuase you must consider if you do not work through the pain of losing your husband, and continue to persue this relationship, what would happen to you if this relationship did not work out? You would be left to deal with the grief of a break up, and once again face the emotions of losing your husband.
It is like when I went on a date a month after my ex addict and I broke up, I was still emotional about the abuse, felt really low inside and thought another man would fix it. I went out with a succesful non-addict and by the end of the date, and my refusal to sleep with him, he started telling me that I had a bad personality,and I wasn't the type of girl that anyone would take home to their parents, kicked me out of his car...ect..ect.
The same exact things that I had to deal with from my ex. And for it to happen to me again, even though he meant nothing to me and I didn't even like the guy, it really made my whole situation worse. I spent another night crying over what another man had done and said to me, and it made me feel like every man was a jerk and I mentally relived the abuse of my ex all over again when I was just starting to heal from it.
I would be careful with your heart right now and really find the suppport you need in friends.
I think dealing with one thing at a time and finding non-romantic relationships, with people that don't have ongoing drug abuse that you might have to go through again.

grateful2b

Gyps...I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend..

I am big on therapy, and through the years, when I find myself with a knot I can't seem to untie, I march myself off to someone I can sit and unravel it with....and as D says, grief counseling maybe..?

Please take good care of you, and be gentle with yourself

keepinon

What does your sponsor have to say? I think you are doing the right thing..can you keep on doing it or are you white knuckling?We obsessers really have to retrain our brains..ever read any buddihst philosophy?It really helps with detachment and the like.Have you read Codependant No More? If not, run don't walk and get it.

Freedom1990

I was an expert at self-sabotage for a long time.

How precious is your sobriety to you?

Gypsy Feet

I am suppose to be leaving for therapy this very minute. It would have been my third session. I am not going. My skin is crawling, and paying someone to listen to me seems pathetic right at this moment.

Or maybe I will, ionno, bleh

grateful2b

(((Gyps)))
I can't think of a better place for you to be, given how you are feeling right now

Kindeyes

Gypsy Feet
Then count me in as pathetic. I go to a therapist and she has slowly helped me find my joy.
gentle hugs

Austinchica

I know it was really hard for me to not be ok and "strong" even to my therapist, lol. I was so sick and tired of complaining about the same old situation over and over to him.

I started going to meetings and felt pathetic every single time I starting babbling and crying, becuase I had kept that emotion in check for so long. I sure do feel a huge relief when I go ahead and when I give in to myself and have a bit of time to "feel" pathetic, then I can move on. There is a huge difference between opening up to your emotions and feeling pathetic, and "being" pathetic. I thought they were synonymous but they are not. However, I don't find it useful to feel pathetic in a non-productive way. Meetings and therapy are very productive.

Gypsy Feet

I am sorry if I offended anyone, I find therapy, meetings, recovery, good friends, 12 step programs, all of it to be at least wonderful, if not divinely inspired.

I was specifically talking about how I was feeling. When I quit drinking, I went to see a therapist twice. After the second session I wasnt really sure what i was expecting or what i was getting from it, so I left. Same deal with this chick, went twice, and I just dont feel productive.

In the mean time, I realized that when I quit drinking, and meth 15+ years before that, and cigs, etc etc, it was because I made a decision.

I twist and turn between "gods" will and mine, between self discipline and self reliance, between doing my part and turning it over.

One minute I am positive that I will just stick by my guns, the next minute I am terrified of what happens if he comes by or calls

of course, all of this is in conjunction with the burning rage over my husbands death, the fight to live in faith over my lost job and new found responsibilities the husband left behind. I twist and fight like a fish on a hook, but I reckon that is better than giving up.

I have no idea how to establish self worth without a man attached to it, but I certainly will not find a healthy relationship while hanging out with this trainwreck.

forward ever forward. i did not go to therapy. I went to a noon meeting where I knew I would see him and made up my mind that no matter what I would not talk to him.

Hopefully that is the next right thing. Hopefully that is in accordance with "gods" will. because if it isnt, im $crewed anyway right?

Freedom1990

I didn't either, and so the dysfunctional relationships continued for 13 long miserable years after I first got clean/sober.

:ghug3

dollydo

It is said that history repeats itself, I do agree, unless we change our behavior, our choices.

How do we do that? My answer is therapy, lots of therapy, there is an underlying problem that needs to be discussed and resolved.

I am always amazed at how many women base their self worth on having a man. For me, my self worth has been fine, my choices have been bad, and, that is what therapy has helped me get under control...my choices.

You have been through alot, however, I get the sense that you are fighting with yourself. Perhaps you will reconsider therapy and meetings.

Dee74

I know I'm really bad at seeing things through - maybe it's the years of self gratification as an alcoholic but I get really impatient.

I am learning tho - it will probably take more than two pills for this new medication to work, it will probably take more than two weeks for me to feel the benefit from my new exercise plan, and it will probably take more than two sessions for me with a therapist to even start to think about opening up, let alone starting to derive benefit from it.

Maybe it is Gods will you do what you're doing L...I'm not making any pronouncements

But I know I don't like to see my friends 'twist and fight like a fish on a hook'...I can't really see that God as I understand him would like that any better...

Whatever you decide, L, I hope it brings you peace, and soon

D

Gypsy Feet

Thanks all. I had an amazing talk with a woman who obsessed over a not so great guy in the program when she first got sober, 21 years ago. She has been able to use her experience to help others, she helped me tonight.

I will reread the responses here again tomorrow when I am rested and fresh, beating yourself up makes a body tired.

Im ok, I will get through this. I will be stronger and wiser and kinder for it

bleh

coyote21

I some how ran across a thread last week where you mentioned your husbands death. You used to post on F&F and I remembered you from there, I always like your shares. Then, to get the "back story", I traced your posts back to his death and read all of them to present.

It was kind of weird, to get a 6 month snapshot of someones life in one sitting. Man, I swear I could see what was coming for you months before it happened just from reading your shares. I remember thinking, "Oh, no". I hope you can figure this out and maintain your sobriety.

I like the fact that you call him "train wreck", that's reality based.

BTW, no judgment here, I knew my axw was a "train wreck" going in, and did it any way.

Good luck, I hope you are able to pull yourself outta this. I rooting for you.

Maybe it would help you to go back and get the same "snapshot" as to how your situation has progressed to this point. IDK.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Gypsy Feet

I went back and read it all, what a trip. I am so spent right now. Off to process, thanks again