Seriously? Really? Wow!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
As a mom of an addict..no offense taken. Enabling is enabling no matter who is doing it. Good call on the meeting.It really only enhances your life and who can't use a little enhancing? Look how fast you are detching now
..that is huge in my book. We all slip, how quickly we get back to recovery is the key.
..that is huge in my book. We all slip, how quickly we get back to recovery is the key.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Yes, if I own that guilt and shame I do worry about what to tell them. - Just a thought to pass on Callie..."never explain...your friends and family don't need it, and your enemies will never believe it"... I actually got it in a fortune cookie once and I keep it in my wallet. I think it's a valuable piece of advice...sometimes, especially as co-dependents, we think everyone deserves an explanation...and we get in the habit of over-explaining ourselves...to justify, if you will. The truth is Callie, you don't have to explain your ex to anyone...he can do that for himself...and it's not the place of anyone else to make you feel like you have to...
Just my two cents anyway:-)
Just my two cents anyway:-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Callie 
To you mom's out there, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I guess for some newer people, you may not realize just HOW MUCH this woman has done.
You didn't offend me but you did concern me. I had to get to the root of my codependency before I could start to change it. I knew if I didn't, nothing would change except the people. I would still remain the common denominator. Avoidance is not recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thank you SR Mommy's for your support. I cannot imagine what I would ever do if this were my child. I cannot. I know that I would NOT handle myself like MIL has, but I can't imagine the pain of it being your child.
Freedom, I too hope my child is never an addict. In some ways MIL and I experiences are ALOT alike. Her husband (xah's dad) left her for another woman. My xah left me for drugs, or rather I forced him out because of it. She crawled into a hole and cried for about 10 years abandoning her kids. Xah and xsil were left to relatives to be cared for. I guess the difference that I see now is that I won't ever leave or abandon my kids. My kids NEED me the most NOW. Difference is I'm here, doing what I need too, should. She turned the other cheek feeling sorry for herself. There is ALOT of resentment on my part because of her lack of parenting. It's blatantly obvious, I know. My friends/family are amazed @ her antics. XAH started drugs when he was about the age of my kids (10).
Just a thought to pass on Callie..."never explain...your friends and family don't need it, and your enemies will never believe it"...
Spot on. I've been so use to explaining him and his actions for so long, it's become ingrained I think. I like the advice CeCe had...
If they do ask, just tell them that he's an adult and you've stopped keeping track. About the only thing he deserves is the right to fix things (or not) his way, without word being passed around town on his every move.
Simple, to the point and places his actions/choices on him.
I could start to change it. I knew if I didn't, nothing would change except the people. I would still remain the common denominator. Avoidance is not recovery.
Ah Chino, such wisdom. Avoidance is not recovery. Which is what both XMIL and XAH are doing. To each their own I guess.
In rereading what I wrote last night, it's obvious the panic/frantic in my words. The anger in my words because of XMIL/XAH actions. AGAIN. The same panic when he left rehabs prematurely, when the cops showed up @ my door looking for him, when he had wreck after wreck, the walmart incident. The panic when I had this monumental thread going last winter and every single day it was something. The thread shut down, 'cause I was so immersed in the chaos that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. It is ALL the same panic. You all know what that is SR. That what in the heck now? Immediately sail into damage control. etc. Today I feel more @ peace knowing that this does not have to be my problem unless I let it be.
Freedom, I too hope my child is never an addict. In some ways MIL and I experiences are ALOT alike. Her husband (xah's dad) left her for another woman. My xah left me for drugs, or rather I forced him out because of it. She crawled into a hole and cried for about 10 years abandoning her kids. Xah and xsil were left to relatives to be cared for. I guess the difference that I see now is that I won't ever leave or abandon my kids. My kids NEED me the most NOW. Difference is I'm here, doing what I need too, should. She turned the other cheek feeling sorry for herself. There is ALOT of resentment on my part because of her lack of parenting. It's blatantly obvious, I know. My friends/family are amazed @ her antics. XAH started drugs when he was about the age of my kids (10).
Just a thought to pass on Callie..."never explain...your friends and family don't need it, and your enemies will never believe it"...
Spot on. I've been so use to explaining him and his actions for so long, it's become ingrained I think. I like the advice CeCe had...
If they do ask, just tell them that he's an adult and you've stopped keeping track. About the only thing he deserves is the right to fix things (or not) his way, without word being passed around town on his every move.
Simple, to the point and places his actions/choices on him.
I could start to change it. I knew if I didn't, nothing would change except the people. I would still remain the common denominator. Avoidance is not recovery.
Ah Chino, such wisdom. Avoidance is not recovery. Which is what both XMIL and XAH are doing. To each their own I guess.
In rereading what I wrote last night, it's obvious the panic/frantic in my words. The anger in my words because of XMIL/XAH actions. AGAIN. The same panic when he left rehabs prematurely, when the cops showed up @ my door looking for him, when he had wreck after wreck, the walmart incident. The panic when I had this monumental thread going last winter and every single day it was something. The thread shut down, 'cause I was so immersed in the chaos that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. It is ALL the same panic. You all know what that is SR. That what in the heck now? Immediately sail into damage control. etc. Today I feel more @ peace knowing that this does not have to be my problem unless I let it be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Callie,
What I would like to say is this.
Holy Mother of......
Just kidding. The point of this site is like in meetings. You get to express your feelings. Let out as much as you are comfortable with. You are entitled to call anyone who is causing you grief anything that gets past the censors (he he).
Then, you are entitled to change and adjust your thoughts based on your own thinking and the contributions of others' E S & H.
You do not need to apologise. I do not like the comment referring to your childrens' future paths. That is a little below the belt. Noone wants anyone else to experience anything that we have found to be painful ourselves. We are here as support for eachother.
I sometimes get a little offended on the F an F sites as they can be hard on us addicts but I also was on the other side so can see where they are coming from.
I used to say to my friend who was great at making up elaborate excuses, "You need so much more detail when you are lying!" (I didn't think of that)
I suppose though, you could have some fun with it and say, "Oh yea, he is gone to Alaska fishing" Or, " He is gone to visit family in Sweden"
What I would like to say is this.
Holy Mother of......
Just kidding. The point of this site is like in meetings. You get to express your feelings. Let out as much as you are comfortable with. You are entitled to call anyone who is causing you grief anything that gets past the censors (he he).
Then, you are entitled to change and adjust your thoughts based on your own thinking and the contributions of others' E S & H.
You do not need to apologise. I do not like the comment referring to your childrens' future paths. That is a little below the belt. Noone wants anyone else to experience anything that we have found to be painful ourselves. We are here as support for eachother.
I sometimes get a little offended on the F an F sites as they can be hard on us addicts but I also was on the other side so can see where they are coming from.
I used to say to my friend who was great at making up elaborate excuses, "You need so much more detail when you are lying!" (I didn't think of that)
I suppose though, you could have some fun with it and say, "Oh yea, he is gone to Alaska fishing" Or, " He is gone to visit family in Sweden"
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
The consequences of his addiction do not constitute an emergency on your part..I kept telling myself that with myAD cuz EVERYTHING was an emergency, horribly urgent, MUST ACT NOW. I clearly remember the first time I didn't respond right away..I felt better and what a shock to her world.She was no longer pulling my strings. It felt plain old WEIRD.
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