I'm here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1
I'm here
I don't know where to start. There are only al-anon meetings around me, and I didn't feel like that would work since my boyfriend was a morphine addict. So I am here. I can't talk to anyone really about my boyfriend and our problems because all of my friends now him. He is in recovery now, he started subhoxone almost 2 months ago. He has yet to go to an NA meeting though. The thing is, we've only been together a year. And actually, when we met, he had stopped using morphine for the first (or second?) time and was going to NA meetings. He stopped going to meetings a few weeks after we met. Then he relapsed and I didn't even know until it was too late. With the subhoxone there hasn't been withdrawal... except the first day he started it. But the point is, we've only been together a year. He's 33, I'm 24, we are both finally getting our bachelors degrees. I love him. He tries so hard. But I don't know... I do know that I didn't understand what I was getting into when he told me he was a former addict when we first started dating. If I did, would I still have entered the relationship? That is the ultimate question I find myself struggling with. I know I can't control him, I know I want him to get better, I know I just need to worry about myself. But every time I catch him in a lie it hurts the same. I guess that's what finally made me find SOMEWHERE to talk about this. He lied to me, again.
I've expressed my disapproval about the fact that he still smokes marijuana several times a week, daily if he can. He ran out of money a couple weeks ago (the university insurance doesn't cover much of the treatment expenses, and we are both living on financial aid/loans) and I figured he wouldn't buy any more. His dad sent him some money (his family knows about his recovery and how expensive the treatment is) but he expressed the fact that he had to make that last and there wasn't room in the budget for weed. Well yesterday he went down to our friends house who usually supplied him (with weed) and they were "just talking and playing music". He later told me that his friend "gave him a sample of some really good bud"-- GAVE him. Today I find more than just a sample in his drawer, that I know he had to pay at least $50 for.
I feel a bit silly even writing this on here. So many people are dealing with addicted family members that aren't even close to recovery. But it still burns finding out he's still lying to me. Sometimes it seems worse because he is "on the path to recovery" and yet I still can't trust him. It feels like one step forward, two steps back. If he's never going to change, will my life with him be just as good as it would be if I were with a non-addict?
Sorry this turned into a journal type thing. I would love any feedback. Thanks for reading!!
I've expressed my disapproval about the fact that he still smokes marijuana several times a week, daily if he can. He ran out of money a couple weeks ago (the university insurance doesn't cover much of the treatment expenses, and we are both living on financial aid/loans) and I figured he wouldn't buy any more. His dad sent him some money (his family knows about his recovery and how expensive the treatment is) but he expressed the fact that he had to make that last and there wasn't room in the budget for weed. Well yesterday he went down to our friends house who usually supplied him (with weed) and they were "just talking and playing music". He later told me that his friend "gave him a sample of some really good bud"-- GAVE him. Today I find more than just a sample in his drawer, that I know he had to pay at least $50 for.
I feel a bit silly even writing this on here. So many people are dealing with addicted family members that aren't even close to recovery. But it still burns finding out he's still lying to me. Sometimes it seems worse because he is "on the path to recovery" and yet I still can't trust him. It feels like one step forward, two steps back. If he's never going to change, will my life with him be just as good as it would be if I were with a non-addict?
Sorry this turned into a journal type thing. I would love any feedback. Thanks for reading!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hello, pieces, and WELCOME to Sober Recovery.
this is a tremendous site, full of insight and wisdom, compassion and periodic butt-kicking.
one thing i know, is that when i am questioning, i usually know deep inside what the truth is. sometimes i'm searching for a sliver of hope, for someone to "talk me out of it" or a straw to grasp onto to make it (the truth) not be so. i think the questioning, and then, the putting it out there (which takes courage) is part of the process....steps in a direction, ya know?
please don't feel even a bit silly writing all this. your confusion and worry is real, whether your life is a complete mess, or just a little messy. it is all valid.
you have an addict on your hands. yes, i understand the "if i knew what that meant..." thinking; i can relate to that most definitely. the reason i said that, is because of his weed smoking. if marijuana is a substance that alters one's mood, then your addict is still mood-altering! sounds like "duh" but i just wanted to put that out there, so that you might see that addicts use drugs for a couple of basic reasons: it starts out being about something that causes them to feel a certain way, whether that means feel happy, feel that they escaped, feel like the person they wish they could feel like sober.
then it becomes an addiction, and there is a need to use.
so...it does not seem to me that he's in a very good place. most, if not all, addicts try to work it so that they can still use some kind of drug, some of the time. it's the illusion of being in control of it, and of being able to at least do a little mood-altering. that's my belief anyway.
he's not on morphine. good. but, as with an alcoholic, once you've crossed that line into addiction, you cannot (again, my belief) use any substance, ever again. this board is full to overflowing with people who tried....and failed. it just escalates into something really ugly after awhile.
please spend a chunk of time on this site: posting, and reading, reading, reading. ask questions, solicite advice, and read other people's stories, being aware that you and your man are not unique stories. it is the nature of this beast, and it is all too common.
this is a tremendous site, full of insight and wisdom, compassion and periodic butt-kicking.
one thing i know, is that when i am questioning, i usually know deep inside what the truth is. sometimes i'm searching for a sliver of hope, for someone to "talk me out of it" or a straw to grasp onto to make it (the truth) not be so. i think the questioning, and then, the putting it out there (which takes courage) is part of the process....steps in a direction, ya know?
please don't feel even a bit silly writing all this. your confusion and worry is real, whether your life is a complete mess, or just a little messy. it is all valid.
you have an addict on your hands. yes, i understand the "if i knew what that meant..." thinking; i can relate to that most definitely. the reason i said that, is because of his weed smoking. if marijuana is a substance that alters one's mood, then your addict is still mood-altering! sounds like "duh" but i just wanted to put that out there, so that you might see that addicts use drugs for a couple of basic reasons: it starts out being about something that causes them to feel a certain way, whether that means feel happy, feel that they escaped, feel like the person they wish they could feel like sober.
then it becomes an addiction, and there is a need to use.
so...it does not seem to me that he's in a very good place. most, if not all, addicts try to work it so that they can still use some kind of drug, some of the time. it's the illusion of being in control of it, and of being able to at least do a little mood-altering. that's my belief anyway.
he's not on morphine. good. but, as with an alcoholic, once you've crossed that line into addiction, you cannot (again, my belief) use any substance, ever again. this board is full to overflowing with people who tried....and failed. it just escalates into something really ugly after awhile.
please spend a chunk of time on this site: posting, and reading, reading, reading. ask questions, solicite advice, and read other people's stories, being aware that you and your man are not unique stories. it is the nature of this beast, and it is all too common.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
You can go to alanon.We don't have Naranon in my town either.My daughter is a heroin addict and I have been welcomed there. I strongly suggest you go. Your boyfriend is an active addict. He is still using mind altering substances. It is very likely only a matter of time before he returns to his drug of choice.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello Pieces:
I don't quite understand. You said he is in recovery, but using MJ and not going to meetings. This is not recovery. If he is "dabbling" in MJ he is also "dabbling" in recovery. Nope, he is not ready to straighten out life.
Remember a drug is a drug! MJ is a drug! he is not on the path of recovery!
I think your life would be much better with a non-addict!
Hugs, Devastated
I don't quite understand. You said he is in recovery, but using MJ and not going to meetings. This is not recovery. If he is "dabbling" in MJ he is also "dabbling" in recovery. Nope, he is not ready to straighten out life.
Remember a drug is a drug! MJ is a drug! he is not on the path of recovery!
I think your life would be much better with a non-addict!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, Pieces. 
Smoking weed frequently does not constitute recovery.
Also, once an addict, always an addict.
I am am addict, albeit a clean addict for a few years now.
Addiction is progressive.
This may be as good as it will ever get with the two of you.
What do you want for your life, your future?
Smoking weed frequently does not constitute recovery.
Also, once an addict, always an addict.
I am am addict, albeit a clean addict for a few years now.
Addiction is progressive.
This may be as good as it will ever get with the two of you.
What do you want for your life, your future?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Addicts lie habitually...just a fact.
Usually only When they're working a program faithfully and completely sober,
do they get honest w/ themselves and their loved ones.
Yes, it would be easier w/ non-addicted boyfriend. (speaking from experience here)
Is this the man whose morals + values match yours. Is this the man to be
the father of your babies ?
Usually only When they're working a program faithfully and completely sober,
do they get honest w/ themselves and their loved ones.
Yes, it would be easier w/ non-addicted boyfriend. (speaking from experience here)
Is this the man whose morals + values match yours. Is this the man to be
the father of your babies ?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I'd like to recommend that you get as educated as you can about the nature of drug addiction and the latest wisdom on what it means to be 'in recovery' from addiction. I like to refer people to the HBO website because they did a fantastic series about the subject a few years ago and maintain several pages on the subject, complete with videos and updates.
Here's a good place to start: HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction: Addiction and the Brain's Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower
Stick around SR, sweetie... you'll learn so much and we're here to support you through this difficult time.
Here's a good place to start: HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction: Addiction and the Brain's Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower
Stick around SR, sweetie... you'll learn so much and we're here to support you through this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
pieces
Welcome to SR........I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but I'm glad you found us.
The sad reality about addiction is that there is no real cure but it is very treatable. But the addict has to treat it as seriously as if they had any other life threatening disease (and yes.....addiction is a disease and it's a disease that can kill). I think that when a person claims to be in recovery but won't go to meetings and is still drinking and smoking pot.......they are trying to deceive the people around them.......the truth is they don't want to go to meetings because other addicts can smell someone who's talking the talk but not walking the walk. And they'll tell them they know. And addicts don't like that.
Addicts will find any excuse they can NOT to go to a meeting if they really aren't in recovery-mode.
You are young and have a lot to look forward to in life. It's really tough to love an addict who is not honestly seeking recovery. If you plan to stay with this man, I hope you'll take the time to educate yourself and understand addiction and codependence.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR........I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but I'm glad you found us.
The sad reality about addiction is that there is no real cure but it is very treatable. But the addict has to treat it as seriously as if they had any other life threatening disease (and yes.....addiction is a disease and it's a disease that can kill). I think that when a person claims to be in recovery but won't go to meetings and is still drinking and smoking pot.......they are trying to deceive the people around them.......the truth is they don't want to go to meetings because other addicts can smell someone who's talking the talk but not walking the walk. And they'll tell them they know. And addicts don't like that.
Addicts will find any excuse they can NOT to go to a meeting if they really aren't in recovery-mode.
You are young and have a lot to look forward to in life. It's really tough to love an addict who is not honestly seeking recovery. If you plan to stay with this man, I hope you'll take the time to educate yourself and understand addiction and codependence.
gentle hugs
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