steve1840

i am trying to purge myself of the last shreds of guilt i am holding. as you all know from my postings, i am not one to easily let go of things and i tend to obsess and overthink. here is what is left in me:

over the last couple weeks, there were times when we would be hanging out and she would comment that i don't even look at her when talking anymore. partly true. that made her feel upset. then, again while hanging out, she remarked a couple times that she felt i did not like her anymore. this was not during any weird time, no arguing or bickering, just eating dinner or watching tv. i tried to explain that i do like her, but do not like the situation.

then she skipped out for a couple days, returned one night due to drama, skipped out again and showed up at my house while i was at work. i talked to her on the phone and i was rather distant and cold. she said she just wanted to talk after work. i said ok. i got home, she was gone.

so, me being me, i wonder, did i push her away in anyway. did i make her feel unwelcome or unloved. does she think i am against her now. or am i just being crazy.

i am not drowning in these thoughts as i would have been a month ago, but they are running through my mind.

suki44883

In my opinion, she senses that you are catching onto her using you. Of course, she'll try to make you feel guilty about it. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

BBD

Steve, I know how hard this is but you have to let go of the guilt. You have done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact~~you have hurt yourself by hanging on to that last thread that you can safe her. YOU cannot. You can only take care of yourself and leave the rest up to her HP.....Please!!! Its been quite a while here and you haven't seen any change in her. Your going to be stuck in this rut for years if you don't take hold of your life and go forward. You have to change something so love yourself, carry on and try to get on with your life before you get sick.......smiles, Bonnie stress can get the better of you eventually!

sailorjohn

It's just a game to them, what they do.

Not sure anything you could have done differently would have made any difference.

Have come to the conclusion that the denial thing is a two-way street, they deny their end, our denial revolves around our thinking that if we did something differently, it would have made a difference, and I think on most levels, that is what they would like us to think.

Denial feeding off of denial.

steve1840

Of course, she'll try to make you feel guilty about it

that is something i am wondering. was she trying to make me feel guilty, or did i actually make her feel bad?

one thing i am certain of- that there is nothing more i could have done, and that i could have done anything differently to have made a difference in her. i gave her food, shelter, companionship, money, support, everything. i do not feel guilty about any thing like that. nor do i think i can save her in any way.

it is just about how things have ended. the lingering guilt is about my actions toward her during the end. did i have anything to do with her disappearing. have i caused her to not like me (yes i said that). that is the last of my guilt.

suki44883

She probably feels bad that you are catching on to her. Does she feel bad for using you? I doubt it. If she did, she wouldn't continue to do it.

steve1840

maybe i am prematurely thinking i am in the clear. i was going to respond that she hasn't bee naround to use me for a week, but who is to say that couldn't change tonight!

keepinon

maybe you should just tell her that you no longer will be providing for her and it's best that you both go your seperate way. Then you will have been concise and honest..no guilt

BBD

I think your looking for closure here Steve and that probably won't happen with an addict. When and if she ever gets better maybe then she will feel the need to talk to you. At this point I wouldn't hold my breathe.......

suki44883

Well, that's the thing about dealing with addicts. It's such a rollercoaster. You never know from one minute to the next when the next shoe is going to fall. Taking yourself out of the equasion keeps you from having to deal with all that drama and anxiety.

MsPINKAcres

[QUOTE=steve1840;2746698
that is something i am wondering. was she trying to make me feel guilty, or did i actually make her feel bad?

[/QUOTE]

In recovery I have learned that I truly have the power over a lot of my feelings and OTHER PEOPLE don't -

I can allow someone to "make me feel"
and
I can try to "make someone else feel"

but everyone has a choice in the matter -

You can choose not to feel guilty because you have nothing to feel guilt about.

If she feels guilt, is it because she has actions that she regrets?

You can take back your emotional health at any time you wish - slowly but surely -

It's all about learning what is healthy for ourselves and detaching to allow others the same option - even if they don't choose it - they still are given the dignity to make their own choices.

PINK HUGS to you!
Rita

steve1840

it's so nice to have this board. even when i wasn't getting it, i was still getting help.

i guess with an addict, there are no real answers, at least none that are solid. for a while she was so reliable. called throughout the day, always was on time etc. now- nothing.

i hate the idea that perhaps she felt i was all used up and she had to move on. that sucks. even when i get annoyed by that, i still automatically forgive and blame it on the drugs. i need to breathe adn relax. maybe somethings were real. maybe somewhere in her she really does care about me, maybe i do mean something to her. maybe it wasn;t just one giant scam and that she is just very lost right now and will find clarity someday.

or, maybe not.

maybe i will find clarity someday

ThatLittleGirl

i hate the idea that perhaps she felt i was all used up and she had to move on. that sucks. - This may be true...this may not be true... But ultimately does it even matter? She is doing what she has to do to survive...whether that is consciously or subconsciously...she'll do what she needs to do to ensure her needs are taken care of...however that happens.

It's going to be up to you to make sure your needs are met as well...the only way to do that is to focus on yourself. You may never get an "answer" from her...and even if you don't get your "answer", you must move on and forward instead of being stuck trying to make logic out of irrational, illogical behavior... And remember, don't take it personally...it's hard not to do...but the disease of addiction is an equal opportunity offender...it's really and truly not about you... Now I just need to follow my own advice, right???

I wish you the best...:-)

sailorjohn

The only time in the last 4 years that I've had anything approaching serenity was when I was well away from her.

The only thing I really need to understand is my end.